Why after 3 years does it still hurt a lot?


Its been over 3 years since I've seen this girl. We dated for almost 4 years (living together for 2.5). It was my first serious relationship and it started off kind of complicated.

She was dating my best friend. We became friends from hanging out together with my best bud. When they broke up it was in the summertime. I had just finished HIgh School. A friend of mine was driving from Nova Scotia to Alberta and detouring through the US. I needed something cool to do that summer. She decided to come too. After spending 2 weeks together in the back of a van traveling we fell in love I guess.

We lived out west for a awhile and moved home.

I lost my relationship with my best childhood friend for this girl. She knew what I was sacrificing to be with her.

She was my everything. She would send me emails while I was at work to say how she couldn't wait to see me. I felt alive back then, I felt like I had meaning

When we broke up I lose even more friends. Good friends. Well friends that I thought were good. When I found out she had cheated on me, my reactions were very mean. (it didn't matter any way she had her mind set on leaving me). My so called friends judged me this way and didn't bat and eye at her for cheating on me after such an intimate relationship.

Ever since then I've been stuck in this perpetual lethargic state. I literally wake up at night. I will be having these nightmares that I'm at a party and she's there somewhere and every room I go into the crowd tells me she just left. Some dreams ill see her driving away from me or waving bye. I wake up instantly feeling so empty and alone. I hate that I ever met her. I wish I could feel good about myself and my past.

I said a lot of really mean things to her when she moved out. I didn't know how else to deal with it besides anger.

I haven't really seriously dated since then. I've slept with a few people but it felt empty. I'd like to think I'm not alone in this. But I don't want to be jaded, bitter and angry for the rest of my life. I don't know what else to do anymore. Should I seek therapy ?

Am I doomed to live in a state of dark cloudiness forever?



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What Girls Said 1

  • Dear Aaron,

    It sounds like because this was your first serious relationship it was probably your first love. And first loves are supposedly the hardest ones to get over. After that first relationship...you compare all your other relationships to that and your expectations are now set too high.

    My advice would be to try and remember the bad things. When you look back on a relationship people tend to look only at the good memories and the good times. There had to have been a reason why you broke up in the first place. Remember that.

    You are not doomed to live in a state of dark cloudiness forever. You just have to set realistic expecations for your next relationship. And keep in mind, that it was not meant to be! You will find your true soulmate when you least expect it.

    Good luck!


What Guys Said 1

  • You got me beat. I can't even begin to say I have the experience to answer this question with the wisdom of someone who has been there. I'm only 24, I've only had one relationship, and it only lasted 1.5 years, and the breakup was only 2 months ago and I'm still right in the thick of the pain and the missing limb feeling.

    But where I might start is do you consider yourself able to enjoy certain aspects of your life at all? Would you consider yourself able to say that you are happy about who you are and what you do (not with respect to relationships, just solely you)? These are the questions that everyone I talk to keep hinting at or directly ask me. It seems that the basic idea to recovery from feeling like you, and to some extent how I feel, is to find yourself in a state that you approve of. Without any regard to the people you associate with, you need to be happy with the things you do.

    Sure the entire time that you are trying to achieve this state, you can feel like life sucks every now and then. And you can also fling it up, or date around. Life has this lame habit of popping good things into your life at the most random of times. And the best day can turn to crap, and the worst can prove to be the best. So you (and myself, man I wish I could listen to my own advice) need to focus on living your life, one step at a time, and your body and mind will conform to your will slowly but surely. The best phrase that I try and remind myself of these days is to keep moving foward...always. Even if they are baby steps, just keep doing them. They add up.

    (I realize that you are going on 3 years now feeling like this, but think really hard. Was it that EVERY day you felt like crap? To be able to hook up with women, usually you need to be on your game and giving happy confident vibes. I'm betting there are times when you feel better. Focus on those and trying to recreate them, and don't give up when you can't, keep trying.)

    • Thanks Guys and Gals :)

      Anna - Yeah there were some bad times. But we were young. I just kid of feel like if we had met now instead of before things would be different... We all need that time machine. Does setting realistic relationships mean settling with less?

      Khellendros- the good new is it gets better, but it never goes away :( I'm trying to find things that make me happy, But as you know the heart wants what the heart wants... THanks for the kind words. Ill try to keep my chin up!