Should a girl ever ask a guy the "what are we" question?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • There is no need to ever ask that question. Just tell the guy, "I prefer to date in an exclusive relationship so, when you are ready for that, let me know." His response will answer the question that you did not ask.

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    • That is the scary part. But very true.

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    • For him, it must be (hard to go on dates). I personally am more for a relationship than a "FWB" situation.

    • I think this is really good advice. It makes you seem self-assured, not needy or insecure. It makes it clear what you want, so he doesn't have all the pressure to decide what the relationship is on his own and then hand you an answer.

Most Helpful Girl

  • You should ask if you want some clarification. However if you already up to the point where you guys did everything a couple should do, yet he have not call you his girlfriend, the answer from him usually is something you don't want to hear like, "I want to take it slow" , "Its not time yer", "Im not ready" etc. But its also good to ask as you can make your decision early on instead on keep wasting time and end up hurt even more. in my opinion, a good relationship shouldn't involve those kinds of questions literally. But it should have a very smooth transition and his actions would prove that he wants you and you should always know what he wants from you by discussing the future. You should feel safe and secured around him. :)

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 47

  • As a married man who was in many confusing relationships before I met my wife, I'll say this...

    If it's not horribly obvious where your relationship stands, you most likely have nothing. Obviously there are exceptions to this and these things need to be communicated.

    It sounds painfully cliche but the saying holds true... When you meet them, you'll know. You don't have to ask. You don't need to wonder where things are going. You just have a mutual understanding.

    I don't recommend asking "what are we" as that could come across as confrontational. Simply communicating your thoughts and feelings is probably the best way to go.

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    • I'm not sure something like that is in my future. I might be dating wrong? Lol. I don't know. But all I have met are guys that just want sex. And that's not enough for me.

    • Well dang... You might be looking to meet guys in the wrong kinds of places? Either that or you just have really terrible luck! Just know that we aren't all pigs.

    • Thanks. I just want to find a guy to date damn it. Sex is great. It's just not a priority for me.

  • Verbatim? No I don't think so, just because it's kind of a weighted term like "we need to talk".

    Better to just have a conversation about what it is you want and what you're looking for out of dating in general and let him do the same. Because you both may not have the same thing in mind. I know me as I guy i'm completely fine with getting to know a girl, have fun, have great sex and all around just experience her over the course of months and never have that conversation lol. I'm more about expressing what I feel and what I want through my actions and how I treat her, rather than have a logical conversation about it.

    I remember dating a girl exclusively for 6 months, without ever talking about it when she randomly introduced me as her boyfriend one day and I was like "huh. I guess that works. Yes, I'm her boyfriend now". Lol. If you want to know then you need to talk about it, but I would argue that if you don't already know it's because it doesn't feel like a relationship to you and you want an agreement before moving forward with him.

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    • Yes. It feels like fuck buddies and I'm not okay with that. And he said that he doesn't want any pressure and wants to keep it as friends that see each other. So disappointing but I wanted... dates... more...

  • i don't think it hurts if it is at an appropriate time. like the question should be reserved for a truly needed response as opposed to perhaps just to reassure insecurities constantly...

    but i think it's also good to ask this question along with conveying what you see you two as or what you want the relationship to be

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  • Yes - I believe in full and open communication between partners - If one person has something on their mind they should speak up, get it out in the open because doubts may cause issues further down the line

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  • No. Because if you have to ask that question then your nothing. If there is ever a question of what your relationship status is, it obviously isn't where you want it to be or what you thought it was. So better to sit down and talk about what you both want and where you expect to go then ask a question you already know the answer to.

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  • No she makes a good point. Because one date could be everything special and to them it could have been just another date. I like when the girl asks me what we are, I like to know where her mind has been knowing we're getting closer to being an "item". Yeah ask him he won't give you a hard time he might just ask for your opinion why or why not you thought you were or weren't a couple yet. Give him a nudge knowing myself it wouldn't be so bad. Lol good luck

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    • He said he doesn't want any pressure. It was bad... I'd say...😳

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    • Aww. You sound like a nice guy! Damn it where do I find one? I'm sure if she doesn't need to ask then you two are you know... more than words can express? Something like that? Good luck! You might just... I don't know ask her? I'd love for that someone to ask me what we are! 😞

    • You find one from family that tells you little hints about him. Thats how it started for me. They told her about me and thought it was a good idea, I'd always ask my dad things to bring up and to let me know what was happening. He told me once that the girl needed a new computer screen her dad saw one in the trash and when I heard that I cleaned mine up very well and took it to him and wouldn't except cash. I wanted her to have a good monitor.

      We haven't gone out and she knows I care. I couldn't find anyone if I tried bc i wouldn't try I'd think of an excuse and a lot of guys never admit it but they come across girls they would date but worry what people will say. Which tbh is terrible. I wish you luck you're very kind, the only man i know that's single is my dad.

  • would be awesome if more women did it, tired of women always expecting men to be the one progressing the relationship

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  • Of course its good to ask girl! Dont listen to these other guys. They dont understand your context.

    What are we implies youve had a dating or sexual relationship that is casual prior to declared committment.

    Thats how I started sating my ex of 2 years. We were coworkers having sex in secret for a few weeks. She finally asked what we were. It made me reevaluate my feelings for her. I realized that I wasn't in love but I liked her as a person and the sex was amazing. So we started dating as a couple. A year later I told her i loved her.

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    • Wow. That's so sweet. I wish that was the case for me. I asked him where we stood. He said don't worry we're friends that like to hangout. I said I'm not worried I want more I want to date. And eventually a relationship. He said he didn't want any pressure and that I'm free to look for my happiness elsewhere. It hurts. But I mean. I can't change how he feels and I'm glad he was honest. He wants to continue hanging out. I'm not sure that I want to. Can I continue having sex with him and not feel anything? I'm not sure I can do that..

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    • I meant in general. Not you. You go girl! Not giving a shit about having a guy is the best way to get one.

    • Lol that is some twisted s***.

  • My friend asked her now boyfriend that after spending time with just him for months. At that point, he said I consider you as my girlfriend. So, after dating for awhile, you can if you want.

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  • This is one of the few areas in life where the attorneys know what they're talking about: you should never ask a question to which you don't already know the answer.

    You should always be upfront about everything so that you're not twisting in the wind needlessly. Always better just to get it out in the open.

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    • Yeah you're right. I just didn't want to risk losing what little we have but... I don't want to just have sex I want more.

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    • I just mean that you can't hide from the truth.

    • Yeh I know... inevitable.

  • Well if you are confused with what you are... why would'nt you to begin with?

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    • I'm scared to ask. I'm not sure he even wants to date exclusively.

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    • Fair enough... just be cautious and take care.

    • I scared him away and I can't stop thinking about him but he seems to be fine living his life going out and stuff... all I got left is that he at least looks at my Snapchat. Lame. Lol but thanks!

  • Communication is always good, but you need to be waaaaay more precise with it. It's such a vague and subjective question.

    State what you really feel plainly, and ask what you really mean to ask, don't wrap it up in ambiguity.

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  • If you have to ask, then you aren't anything.

    You are putting him on the spot, because he will be trying to figure out what it is you want to hear.

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    • He actually didn't care. He said we're friends he doesn't want the pressure. He didn't care about what I wanted to hear.

    • Good for him.

    • Yeah. Good for him 👌

  • Yes... If she doesn't KNOW, LOL.

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  • Why not? It's important to clarify our relationships

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  • No. Just enjoy what it really is rather than putting a label on it. You can call it whatever the hell you want - doesn't change what it is.

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  • If you think the relationship is going nowhere. But don't do it out of the blue when you two are having fun

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  • Rule of thumb if you hold hands and kiss your dating and your boyfriend and girlfriend if you got a ring on your fourth finger rather engaged or married and if you have sex once or twice three times that it's probably just booty call

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  • I always felt that question kinda forced the issue rather than just letting a relationship develope naturally...

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    • I knew one girl who *compulsively* needed to quantify and clarify and categorize us, and we were constantly breaking up because as soon as I said "I guess we're gf/bf" she would start treating me like an asshole, and it would progressively get worse until I dumped her, and I'd try it again (because so long as we weren't labeled she was fine), and almost immediately she would start with the "what are we" bullshit again and again...

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    • Until I asked for advice and people started telling me these things.. I guess you don't realize these things sometimes.. until later?

    • Glad we could help then 😊

  • sure. if you wanna ruin whatever it is you had, go ahead.

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    • Well we had nothing to begin with... it started off with sex... I dunno how can one recover from... just sex?

    • Well if you wanted more than that, it would have been better to make him know in advance xD well I mean if that's what you want, you could ask him if he wants to be more. Not "what you are", cause that's just such an awkward question to answer.

  • Why not?

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  • Ideally, no she won't. But I can understand her perspective as well and why she would ask that, I suppose.

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  • you should make it clear from the beginning, not by asking directly but by explaining what are you looking for in your dating life, this way both of you would be relaxed...

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  • After a reasonable amount of time, you can ask.

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  • Yes that should be asked by both of those that are in a "something". Men are stupid. We need concrete. We need to know where we are and what this is. Because we can't ever figure y'all out

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  • Ya it's a pretty viable question. I think it comes up naturally, after enough time has passed.

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  • yes IF their relationship seems stable enough (so at least after 5-6 months of relationship)

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  • Yes its better to know then to wonder

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  • Ewwww

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  • Yes why not

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  • More from Guys
    17

What Girls Said 17

  • I asked him "do you want me to be your girlfriend?" he said yes and that was that. He kept on hinting at it though, then he kept on hinting that we should or will be married soon, so I asked him "are you proposing" and he said yes.

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  • If you're not sure then of course you should ask. If you can't openly communicate then it's not working.

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  • Of course. Not on the first date or even the 4th but at some point it's only fair to know where you each stand and what the feelings are.

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    • I'm just scared. Of getting the answer. I wanted more.

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    • @Tacoma530 I second that.
      Good luck to you girl.

    • Thanks.

  • I would say only if you've been in a solid, comfortable relationship for several months. Of course situations vary and everyone should proceed differently.

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  • Absolutely, especially if he hasn't even brought it up yet. If you been seeing each other for a really long time and things have gotten serious between you then i think its okay to ask.

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  • I've done before sometimes i flat out will ask because i want to know what we are official or not if not i don't have to waste anymore time with him but if he's serious then good cool

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  • You shouldn't be asking, you should have made it clear that you only want exclusive relationship, start striaght.

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  • Hmmm.. it's not the ideal conversation.. but it clears things out

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  • What I learned in this short life of mine is that if a girl feels the need to ask and get an answer to that question for assurance, it is mostly because she is insecure abo

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    • Oops accidentally submitted. I was saying "... about what she has with he guy and she knows she is nothing more than a body for the guy, mostly"

      Having an exclusivity talk is different that questioning "what you are"

  • If it's not clear enough, yes you should ask. That way you know what to expect and not waste your time.

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  • Tbh, I have never had to ask. It just sort of naturally fell into place

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  • Sure why not? Unless the question comes up logically it makes sense to ask.

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  • Yes. And if the guy is put off, you have your answer.

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  • I think it's better to communicate and ask, because communication is the key to any relationship :)

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  • If you want to know then yeah. If you dont care then no

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  • Yeah it's good to know whether you're wasting your time on someone who doesn't want the same thing as you.

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  • Not for awhile. I would see how it goes first

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