Do you really have to play games to get someone to like you?

I'm a 30 year old good looking, single female. I've been reading a lot of dating books about how I should act towards men by being unavailable and hard to get. While I get the idea, I just want to be me! I put a lot of effort into my work and hobbies and the idea for me to work even more to find a mate seems exhausting. Can't I just be myself and find someone who values me for me? I get the obvious of waiting for sex and the basics of dating (like not being needy) but it seems like to a lot of these dating "gurus" it requires a lot of mental work and calculations. Thoughts?

Updates:
Thanks everyone for your feedback. I'm just going to continue to be myself (I think I'm a pretty ok girl). Life just feels better that way! And I ultimately don't want someone who doesn't appreciate me for me or my feelings. Can't do fake.

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What Guys Said 65

  • Hi,

    Please, please, PLEASE grab every single magazine, website, leaflet or other form of communication that gives you Cosmogirl-type garbage advice. It is made to keep people dependent on their garbage, by constantly buying into the shitty advice.

    In the end, the only true thing that matters is you. Who are you, who do YOU want to be and how do YOU feel comfortable. It is irrelevant what people around you think, as those people who are worth fighting for will also appreciate all the little quirks that you may have.

    So what if that makes you different. Good, it makes you worth the time. It's so good to see someone genuinely being themselves rather than a clone of societal expectations smothered in teenage insecurity.

    If you want someone, go for it. Take a leap, put your foot forward and show them through being yourself without any pretense or masquerade, that you're wonderful. But do not start the infantile games of "oh god play hard to get that'll help". Many men will literally just walk away and write you off because you aren't interested or simply come across snobby if you would do that.

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  • Here's the thing man, if you play, you cloud your personality and come off as another person your target would favor. Once you date, your behavior will fade out like a cheap perfume and the person will realize you're not the one for them.
    The only advantage in being yourself is that even if it takes ages for you to meet that person, the person can possibly stick around for way way longer and perhaps, even forever.
    Choice is yours, break your biscuits into little pieces or have patience and eat the whole.

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  • If by "Games" you mean lie, pretend and hide all of your intentions. No. No you don't have to do that lol.

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  • I'd strongly disagree with what those so called "gurus" are saying. Be you! at the end of the day those "gurus" need to make £££££.

    If I saw you and you looked into my direction, I'd come and approach you. I tend to read body language when I'm out and about.

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  • How can someone value you for yourself without knowing anything about you?

    The most important part that people don't usually get is understanding the other person. It takes time and effort to express yourself and it also takes time and effort to learn about somebody.

    Most of the 'games' are for you to get the hooks in. At the beginning, neither of you have a clue about each other so you guys send out the probes and hope for the best. The 'games' are designed to bypass the probes and give a different impression which would affect the afterwards relationship.

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  • Not at all! After many negative experiences I actively avoided women who played any mind games. My girlfriend was always just honest with me and didn't play a single game and I've never been in a stronger relationship! She admired me for being myself and vice versa

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  • If you can understand the basic psychology of the stupid monkey, see why stupid monkey games can work but have no interests in playing stupid monkey games. Congratulations, you are one if the greater apes. You need to find yourself another great ape, one that has no interest in the exploits of the ignoramus.

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  • Read the comments. Guys don't do the mind game bullshit. You like us? Straight up tell us. Don't drop hints, don't automatically expect us to make the first move, take some damn initiative.

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    • Devil damn right! It can't be any more simpler than that. We work like mechanical devices. Operate us as you'd wish to.

  • Fuck mind games but more importantly fuck people who play them and think your worth and value is hinged on how well you understand their mind games.

    I can't read people's minds any more than people can read mine. And anyone who thinks I have issues because of that can fuck right off.

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  • You my friend, are a unicorn. I have so much trouble finding a woman because the simple idea of "talking and getting to know eachother" is obsolete. Every time I talk to girls they are always "busy" or some other crap. Or they'll read my messages but not reply until I send another one the next day. It's freaking annoying. This is why so many relationships fail because you have to be fake af to actually get anyone. I actually just posted a question similar to this.

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    • If they wait a day to reply back they are probably not interested. It's happened to me before. When a person likes you they will answer back within 24 hrs.

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    • Or I have to solve some stupid riddle or game

    • I know it happens. People are stupid. Don't worry it happens to girls too. I want to get to know someone but they stop replying or ghost me.

  • Yeah don't play hard to get or act unavailable. The guy will just assume you're not interested and move on. Contrary to popular belief, guys don't like "the chase"

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  • Don't play games. It's really not that complicated for women. Be hot, express interest, get to know them, click.

    "Playing hard to get" is not understood at all in my opinion. It's meant to be flirting. It's for when you've already been 'got' but are just having fun with your partner. You're acting coy about your interest even though you both have big smirks and know exactly what's happening. The whole point is *playing* at being hard to get. What most women imagine when they conceptualize "playing hard to get" seems to be just straight up being hard to get. No, you're doing it wrong. You're meant to *play* at being hard to get, not actually be hard to get at all.

    Being a little coy after you're entirely on the hook is fine. But "acting unavailable"? Guess what, you look unavailable, surprise surprise. I'm not going to take interest in that. If you come across as hard to get then well why am I going to invest effort in someone who values the effort the least?

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  • no you don't and if you have to play games to get someone to like you in my opinion they are not someone you should be with.

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  • Wow it not that your "playing games" that a entirely different thing. "Playing games" is a term for messing with someones head and only being in it for you self.

    Dating about being playful and fun. keeping things fun and interesting. no one wants a easy conquest because it begs the question of is this a fling and fosters feelings of being used, a lack of respect and WOW if she is this easy I can probably do better. But on the other hand playing to hard to get. May make you seem like a prude, impossible, like you don't know what you want. Or not worth the effort.

    Anything these "gurus" tell you is the is the fundamentals of dating and should be taken with a grain of salt. As not all of us fallow them to the T. Nor Should we.

    So these books "WILL NOT WOULD FOR EVERY PERSON I EVERY SITUATION!"

    "The dating books is more like guidelines, Miss Turner."

    Lol

    The most important thing is to establish a bond and make a connection. Not just throw your self at him and hope for the best. I'm not saying you'll send him 🏃 but it would make things awkward the next time you meet. And it may not last. But it won't be as fun as it could have been.

    Good luck on your Hunt and hope you bag a good one worth keeping.

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  • Seriously, as a woman you could do anything you want and as long as you are decent looking, you can get guys easily. Unfortunately it's the women that want games, a huge list of things for a guy to do and a partridge in a pear tree so that a man can attract them...

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  • No, you don't have to play games at all. You shouldn't have to work to get a man.

    Try to meet a man through your hobbies. I'd write more but I have to get ready for work.

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  • Must be only super hot guys you need to play games with. I don't see why women have to play games at all.

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  • Certainly it's can be considered an art... it's a gracefully act...
    They say the so called 'spark' we so often speak can actually be created if you know what to put out there

    A spark consists of
    A balanced power struggle during the conversations, banter
    Sexual attraction

    either way, use those as tools... such as be yourself but incorporate some of those things just to give you an edge at times... that's all lol

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  • Those that do , find ones that are !! Funny how games attract game players.

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  • Playing games _CAN_ give you initial bonus attention. That kinda attention will fade though and most likely backfire.

    What you really need to do is socialise. I the end its a numbers game and the more new people you meet, the likelier it gets to find a partner.
    Obviously socialising for your own interests sake and not on sone desperate manhunt. The getting to potentially find a partner is just a positive sideeffect

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  • I get flirting and chasing and showing interest and that. Fucking about pretending your not interested when you are then the guy who likes you slumps his shoulders and skulks off gutted that you don't find him interesting. Your like wtf he's meant to be even more keen now. The fact is just like some big words you use in speech, whilst they sound great to you, not everybody will know what they mean and you'll cause confusion. Similarly most guys don't know your playing games and just give up, especially these days as guys are so fragile egoed. Keep everything in life simple and straight forward

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  • Maybe you will attract someone if you try to be a different person, but over time when you become comfortable enough with that person you would become yourself, the mask would start to come off. Maybe after that the person wouldn't like you anymore because he liked the person with the mask. It is always better to be yourself and attract the kind of guy who likes you for the person you are, who finds your flaws to be cute and perfect, who would respect you for who you are.
    These dating "gurus" give you tips on how to pickup a guy or a girl from a bar and not someone substantial.

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  • If you play the dating game, how do you expect someone to be serious about you? And why do you ask yourself this only now? People sell lies from the beginning of time...

    Let's say you are looking for a job that fits you. But you can't just choose the job. The boss has to be the one who chooses you, and only then you have to agree with the job as well. So you make your CV and send it out there for everyone to see it hoping that someone will choose you, but in the CV you put lies about yourself. Let's assume you tell them you have an electrical engineering degree, but to actually majored in psychology. Let's also add that you have experience, when you actually have no damn clue how the current works.
    Now... Who do you think will be interested in hiring you? Someone who wants you to take the role of the electrical engineer. Makes sense, right? Also, what do you think he will expect of you? I'll tell you. He expects from you to know what an electrical engineer is supposed to know. Don't be shocked yet. Now let's say you are giving him a hard time on the negotiating your salary. Well... He won't be pleased with that, right? If he has other candidates that know what they want better he will consider them over you.
    Ok, but let's say you somehow get the job after that harsh negotiation... He will expect great things from you... After all, you were really hard to get. But you don't even know the basics of what you claimed. What do you think your boss will do? He will get mad at you for lying... He will fire you and hire someone that knows. Eventually send word to the others too that you are a liar.
    Ok, so let's assume that you have some idea about this job of electrical engineer. But you're not happy with it... It's not that you wanted. You wanted to get a job in psychology. Huh? But you put on your CV that you are interested in the position of an electrical engineer. How do you expect your boss to know that when he chose you if that's not what you said? And you're not even doing that great as an electrical engineer... Your boss is probably looking to replace you quite soon.

    So what do you think now? Should you play games with your work? Should you play games with your life?
    If your answer is no, then why would you choose to play games with your life and the life of others? A relationship is not a game... It's something serious that requires work, trust and understanding. If you are not true to your relationship, then you can't have trust there.

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  • "being unavailable and hard to get" That is just going to make guys disinterested and move on to the next girl.

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  • That's probably the worst advice ever. If you're playing that hard to get, most of us men are going to move on real quick to something else.

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  • I've never been with anyone ever so I never developed a sense for "the game" to me If I see someone attractive who also shares my interests I will develop a friendly relationship with them (because I can't flirt to save my life) and hope they steer it more towards a romantic thing than like a brother thing. The game fucking sucks and makes stuff difficult so I will not participate and neither should you!

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    • You are someone who should not be giving anyone any advice on dating and realtionships if you can't even talk to a girl lol

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    • You did, re-read your post

    • Yeah because it specifically states that I've never had a conversation with a girl. Fuck outta here

  • At your age dating is difficult period because men usually want women younger than 30. That doesn't mean you can't find a man it's just going to be difficult. If you're doing online dating I suggest you stop because those sites usually doesn't help. I have read plenty of people on pof. com on there for many years. They would be a few relationships to only go back.
    If you're seriously finding someone PM me and I'll give you coaching one and one. I know what men are up to and how men are behaving.

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    • I an use the same suggestion i need coaching one on one too can I pm as well?

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    • What is your advice?

    • it's coaching I can't do it here.

  • " being unavailable and hard to get " ... That will backfire , big time , because men , being more logical & also more used to being rejected , will assume zero interest.

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  • Be yourself, those articles are written a type of personality. Their ways might not be your ways. Your way of doing things is just fine.
    Make sure you listen to yourself and not friends, family or internet stuff.
    At the end of the day, they don't get you laid at night.

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  • You get what you give, meaning, you'll attract what you show, if you're you, the people that are interested in who you are and what you're about will be attracted to you, and right now it seems like everybody is trying to be somebody else so people will like them, fake or photoshopped pictures, fake profiles, you name it, good things come to those who wait, just be you and the right person will find you

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What Girls Said 14

  • I'm with you, I have no interest in playing games and acting any differently than the way I am. I know what I want and I have no issue asking for it or pursuing it.
    Even if it doesn't work the way I had wished, upside is, I didn't sink a ton of time and effort into it.
    To me, Id much rather "lose" fair and square by being me. Saves a lot of trouble later with the questions
    "Well, what if I had done _____? Maybe it would have turned out differently."
    Screw that!
    He didn't like me, he didn't want what I wanted, or whatever else it was.
    It's done and over, I can move on.
    I dont enjoy it when guys play games so it's only fair that I dont either.

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  • I’m not the type to play games but if I’m attracted to someone a lot, I will get too nervous to approach them first or give off “signals” that invite him to Come speak to me. This happened with the last guy I liked and of course, he ended up with someone else. If it’s the courting stage and the two don’t really know eachother, what comes off as playing games can be something completely different. You don’t know how someone is thinking , what they’re going through, etc. Now if it’s the actual dating stage and they’re purposely trying to make themselves seem unavailable then yeah, nobody has time for that.

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  • Quite honestly, you're right.. You just need to be yourself and just how you naturally are as a person. Mind games work for SOME people.. But that doesn't mean that it's for you. The thing about mind games is that for the people they work for, they're already naturally doing that sort of stuff. Meanwhile, a lot of people either can't do that sort of thing or flat out refuse to play along. Quite honestly, the best thing to do is be yourself and eventually someone will come along. That's what happened to me.. And I think that it's the most honest, and clean cut shave when it comes to finding people of a particular interest. Because you're just being how you naturally are and someone is attracted to that. Another important thing is to not rush. There's no rush in finding love.. But most people rush anyways.. Just take your sweet time and someone WILL come along. I hope this helps! :)

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  • First of all, no. Second of all, either they like you or they don't. You can't "get" someone to like you.
    Be yourself and make an effort to be pleasant and show your interest. Playing hard to get will just make them think you're not interested. If they want to, they might work a bit harder to catch your attention for a short while. But most guys are actually very bored of the chase and will not continuously pursue someone who shows no interest in them or plays hot/cold.

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  • The right guy who likes you and has interest to pursue you for a serious relationship will not play games to have you.

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  • No, if you have to play games he won't be right and he won't stay for long. I believe if someone really likes you you actually don't have to do much.

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  • I feel like you do. I'm done pretending to be anything or anyone to anyone else and since then I've been single. So *shrugs*. Just tells me that people like mind games.

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  • I got those books and I threw them out. I can't be fake to myself.

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  • Just wing it, if you really like him then act like it.

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  • No because the guys I don't want that like me I'm myself with... However the guys i want i never act myself this this explains why they almost never like me back.

    BE YOURSELF 100%

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  • Stop trolling on my birthday, have some respect for your savior.

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  • Sometimes.

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  • and men need to be "alpha" and indifferent and cool. welcome to the superficiality of the western world... .

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  • I am good looking, successful, intelligent woman, with good education and well-paid job. I have a lot of hobbies and I travel a lot, hike a lot etc. Finding a mate for me is also hard since my last breakup three years ago. I like to put effort into relationships, so I am nor scared to make the first move, plan dates, and take a guy out. I did it in my very last relationship because I really like the guy. But it ended up with me being used. He led me on to become something more and suddenly ended everything. He was clearly a good player I never noticed because of zero red flag he gave out. But the guys i dated and always seemed busy to not see a second or third or fourth time because I didn't like them for some reasons, but they kept coming and asking out and showed a lot of interest. Looks like guys only like women who play hard to get, or at least only value them. But still even if I die alone, I won't change myself putting effort into a relationship, asking out first, being available when a person needs me, and showing interest.

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    • u sound like u have high standards though. a good man doesn't have to be some magical white knight unicorn. i married the simple wood carver. but still for me he is better than ten bungee jumping and everest climbing phds

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    • @bad_luck no it takes me about 6-10 dates which is about 1.5-2 months at earliest. I know friends who had sex on the first date but they never had problems like this and got married happily. It is the mentality of a guy i can't change if he thinks a woman's worth is based on how early she has sex. But i am definitely not one of early ones among American women i am sure.

    • 1) i never talked down about my man. its prased it like that cause for women like you he is inferior. you said yourself you want someone with a degree. well he didn't hae a degree. i have a degree but i dont care about him not having.
      2) no need to get so butthurt and defensive over my assumptions, they are what most people would assume. you said yourself you want someone adventurous that travels a lot. this alone narrows your pool of men to a miniscule sample.
      3) i dont attack you, i just deduct some things about you. yes i don't have adequite information but just your introduction about your self and your incident with the player later indicated a person that has its issues. and i repeat, its not random at all that you attracted this man. when you will realise that, you will thank me, until then, its you that will live in her dream bubble... .

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