I cheated on my boyfriend, but I love him. I don’t know what to do?

Should I tell my boyfriend? I’m afraid to break his heart. I took his virginity and I love him. But he just isn’t all he used to be to me. He gets on my nerves and he doesn’t sex me like he used to. Doesn’t call me like he used to, it’s annoying. But I still would pick my boyfriend over any dude. He broke up with me last month because he said he thought he would be interested in other girls, and I think he actually emotionally cheated on me. Then ran back to me, I swear everything changed. I just don’t trust him , and now apparently I can’t trust myself. I feel remorse, but I have no feelings for the dude I cheated on him with. He was pawn, and he wasn’t anywhere near as good as my boyfriend.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Sounds like what you need most here, is perspective. Whoever told you that the core reason relationships exist is purely for recreational sex, lied to you. Let's get that out of the way right now.

    I'm in an LDR with a gal that has little reason to stay with me, and I have little reason to stay with her. We're an ocean apart, and you can only imagine the temptation that brings. But the commitment, in some ways, is its own reward.

    Is your man:

    1. Bringing you closer to God?
    2. Someone you would count on to pick up your medical bills if you have to not have a job for a while?
    3. Determined to have you legally be a part of his family?
    4. The kind who'd stay faithful to you, even if you killed someone in a freak accident and face manslaughter charges?
    5. The type to bring moral and emotional support, even when you face your greatest fears?
    6. Willing to do all this for you regardless of how or how soon you are able to reward him?

    Are you wholeheartedly convinced you could be all that back for him?

    If a shortcut to pleasure that you're not even entitled to (1 Cor. 6) is the only reason you can think of for being in a relationship with him in the first place, then you are in a relationship for the wrong reasons to begin with. As such, it will never bring you what you truly seek: fulfillment. The most you can do is get a few cheap thrills; but orgasms only last a few seconds and are gone. And if there is nothing behind them, they betray you to a horrible emptiness.

    Others on this site will scream bloody murder that I'm telling you this; but it's true no matter how much they shake their fists at it.

    Your compulsion toward infidelity is because you desire fulfillment, of a sort you will never get from sex. But that's all anyone bothered to tell you. You sense that your man may be able to please you bed; but that there's nothing behind the sex machine and the curtain.

    You're hoping cheap thrills with another will fill that void. But if you seek to fill the void that way, you will make a fool of yourself. You'll only find more emptiness down that path. And more violations that you'll have to make excuses for. Excuses that will also never make you happy.

    We can PM about it some more if you're interested. First thing I would suggest you do, is ask him what future he sees for his family through you. Then ask about contingencies...

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    • If you ask him what future he sees for his own family through you, what you want the kids to believe about their own souls, how you'd want to raise them, and what he'd do if a tree fell on you or you got cancer, or if you hit a mailman by accident; be mindful of how he responds.

      If he is willing to amuse your hypotheticals and think about his reactions, there may be something there. If he gets angry and doesn't want to talk about it, then that's a red flag.

    • He is the person that I can depend on for all of those things. He doesn’t get angry but he never goes into detail when we talk about future family. I didn’t have sex with the other guy though, and I don’t have a compulsion for infidelity. I’ve never done this before, it was a one time thing! I’m not looking for pleasure through sex either! You all have the wrong opinion about everything... NONE of you addressed what I asked in the question.

    • Words convey particular implications. So you made out with someone else? If that's as far as it went, bury it. Tell the other guy to bury it as well. Speak no more of it. And focus on being the best woman you can for the man you have.

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What Guys Said 86

  • No remorse? Yeah you guys just don't want to put the effort into finding something new. That relationship is over. Or at least it should be. Cheating is never the answer it's absolutely disgusting.
    Shame 😔

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    • Before cheating on him you should have talked about having an open relationship. Could have been what your relationship together needed to work.

  • > "I cheated on my boyfriend"
    > "but I love him"

    In other words the sun burns bright but it's ice cold in the summer.

    https://i.imgur.com/14JEqAw.gif

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  • You already broke his heart by cheating on him. As much as this may suck to hear, you consciously made the decision to be with someone else other than your boyfriend... So, my honest opinion is, if you care about him at all, you will let go of your selfishness of keeping him when you don't really even want him... Give him the opportunity to find someone who will make him happy and well be honest and faithful to him like he deserves. While he's doing that, and you're now single, you need to do some self reflection... What it that you want in a relationship? What were you unhappy with that caused you to feel the need to be with two different people? What were you missing in that relationship? Are you actually ready to be in a relationship? Or do you just like the idea of being in one?

    There's no shame in not wanting to be in a committed relationship as long as you disclose that up front. Then you can be with whoever you want or multiple people if you want and no one can say anything about it.

    Until you figure out what YOU want, you're always going to find yourself in a relationship that will be missing something you need or that you're not happy with, so you're going to try finding that in someone else at the same time.

    You've already created a habit. It was validated because you didn't get caught... Now it's become an excuse to do it again whenever you're not happy instead of talking to them about it.

    That's why people always say "once a cheater, always a cheater" because it worked once, or twice, or 20 times, so why won't it keep working? It's become a coping mechanism whenever something gets tough or doesn't go your way in your relationship... You need to stop that now and actually start reflecting on why you felt the need to cheat in the first place and figure out how to get what your missing from your partner or be strong enough and respectful to your partner and end the relationship and try finding someone else who gives you everything you need so you don't feel like you have to fill in the blanks with someone else.

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  • Apparently you didn't love him enough to be loyal. Well, that being said and the damage is done. Seems you both have some soul searching to do. Go your separate ways and take some time. If you are both really meant to be with each other, over time, perhaps it will happen. But with all the red flags I see in your lengthy question. You both have a lot of issues to contend with to maintain a healthy loving relationship. Good luck.

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  • It sounds like you've got some real issues.

    First, inlike some people, there's no such thing as emotionally cheating in my book. There is flirting, but unless you actually physically cheat then you should be forgiven.

    Second, it sounds like you're not mature enough for a relationship. We as menare sick and tired of being treated like dancing monkeys with tamberines. We are nit here to entertain you or your boredom. We are grown men. Find a passion. Find a hobby. More importantly, do fun things and adventures with your boyfriend. Everyone gets boring in a long term relationship and so does the sex. But once you lose the familiar you miss it the most.

    You must have a bond thats deeper than sex.

    Lastly, never ever tell your boyfriend that you cheated. But if asked be honest. It will ruin you forever. Be the most amazing girlfriend in the world. Its better to have him ask someday and you have 2 kids together and answer, "yes. 20 years ago i cheated. I had sex one time. But I realized then that what i had for you was real. I haven't cheated on 20 years and never will again. I love you. "

    That sounds better than, "I fucked a guy 3 weeks ago. Oops. But i swear i love you! "

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  • You both need to break up and figure yourselves out, or you're going to keep hurting each other, even if you aren't trying to. You already wronged each other and neither of you are really ready to be together again so be alone for a while.

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  • End the relationship now! I would advise against telling him unless you want to continue with him, which you shouldn´t do. Just leave and think hard and long what kind of a person you are becoming. Change your thoughts before you become a regular cheater. Something´s wrong inside of you and you need to fix it before it starts to control your life. I´m not saying this because I´m a hater or anything, I´m just worried that you will go downhill and hurt other people + yourself in the future.

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  • what he doesn't know won't hurt him but it seems like he is trying to branch out. He was a virgin right? meaning he hasn't been with other girls, his curiosity is taking over, he wants to see what else is out there.
    I would just be straight up with him and just ask him. "Do you want to fuck other girls"

    As for the cheating aspect... what he doesn't know won't hurt him. and you let that shit go too.

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  • You should have talked to your boyfriend long before now and explained and talked about your feelings, sex life, etc so you guys could've worked on it and maybe you would have been far less tempted to cheat. But now it's done. You're going to hurt him, there's no doubt about that but you should tell him. Love him or not, it doesn't sound like a very good relationship you have with him, even without the cheating.

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  • Seems to me like you ate dealing with a lot of confusion and some hurt. I think it would be wise to not be with anyone for a while and just be you. Distance and time always clears things up.

    And it sounds like this guy isn't really for you.

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What Girls Said 32

  • If you loved him truly, you wouldn't have cheated.
    At least your guy broke up because he might have felt the same way. Follow his example and tell him the truth.

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  • No you don't love him, and I don't think you know what love is or how it really feels yet. you're 21, young people a lot of times can't tell the difference between love, lust, or infatuation these days and just assume it's love. Love, isn't betrayal, love isn't backstabbing, love isn't disrespecting your partner, love isn't breaking up then running back when there aren't other options, love isn't getting in a relationship out loneliness or boredom, and love is definitely not cheating. Does that sound like love to you? You're just two people shacking up cause you're bored and don't have anything else to do. If you don't trust him or yourself then why are you wasting each other's time? You're obviously not that into each other, you're cheating and he's looking for other girls, you're not in a relationship but you are in a relationshit. It's a mess, do yourself a favor and break up until you're actually ready for a real relationship, you might as well end it now cause you just dragging a necessary break up out. Focus on you and let that guy go do his own thing.

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  • If you can't trust your boyfriend, your relationship won't last. Besides the fact that you already cheated on him, you don't feel the same, you are doubting the relationship. You've broken up once and expect it to be the same but it won't be. It would be better for the both of you to go ahead and end the relationship. You might love him and miss him, but it'll be easier to do it now than try to wait.

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  • It sounds like you have both outgrown each other and The Relationship.
    There is always comfort in going back to what you know but if you are both seeking something more outside of each other, then its time to let go and do your own thing as single people.

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  • Everything you said from start to finish indicates to me that your relationship with boyfriend is not near as strong as loving him would dictate. There is the trust issue, you think he is annoying in with some things, among the other things you said and breaking it off with him just might be the best choice for both of you.

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  • Well, you say you’d pick him over any other guy.. but the fact is you didn’t. You chose to please some other man with your body.. instead of your boyfriend. The damage is done now.. no matter what your reasoning was for cheating, it’s never a good reason. You could’ve broken up with him and that’s it. There will always be this lie your hiding. And even if you tell him, he sounds like the type who would get back at you for it. Not a healthy relationship in the least. Move on from it..

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  • maybe you guys need to decide if it is worth going on with this charade. It is what is becoming... a charade.

    He doesn't know if he wants other girls so he breaks up, then he returns... but you didn't ask him what happened to make him think this so you dont trust him cause you think he cheated.

    because you dont trust him, and you took him back and see things are not the same, now you cheated on him. And now you want to hide the fact and hope things become better how?

    Shit hit the fan. A long time ago...

    More talking needs to be done. And you have to be honest with yourself. Do you really want him or are you afraid of how you will feel when you let him go?

    Also, is he worth it? And if so, I do advise putting things in clean plates... or maybe it will just get worse with guilt eating away at you and you not being able to have an honest relationship with him.

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    • He is worth it, he is the guy who brings me closer To God , the guy who will pay my phone bill if I need it. The guy who thinks I’m beautiful even when there’s snot and tears running down my face. The guy who will drive me to the hospital if I get sick. Give me money if I’m broke. And I’m that girl for him. The other guy, I didn’t sleep with him I just layed with him. My boyfriend was honest with me and told me that he thought he wanted to date other women and he’s never lied to me, I want to keep this a secret bc it’s not that much but as the same time it scared me that I could lay there and cuddle with someone else. I was thinking and wishing it was my boyfriend. I have no feelings for the dude that I laid with. I want to be with my boyfriend for the rest of my life. He chose me over any other girl and he chooses me everyday. And laying with the other guy made me realized that I couldn’t be here without my boyfriend.

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    • I did tell him and were working on it but the laying with the other guy made me realize he’s the one I want to be with through everything

    • ok. Good luck.

  • If you loved your boyfriend then you wouldn’t have cheated. It’s best to leave.

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  • "But I still would pick my boyfriend over any dude"
    Its funny you should say that cause you ended up picking another guy over your dude anyway

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  • Sounds to me like neither of you are exactly happy in your relationship. His first instinct was correct - you two should break up and find people that make you happy because it's not each other anymore... that's evident.

    Tell him what happened - and see what happens.

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