What's wrong with this new guy?

I like this guy at work. He's in a position where he does things for the whole building so I've gone to him for several bogus issues that could mostly wait but it gave me face time with him. He seems friendly but also a bit shy and withdrawn so I've been doing all the work to get to know him better during small times here and there. I made an excuse to talk to him more regarding my job. He suggested we chat during his lunch because I asked for a time that he was free to give advice on a certain topic.

I don't know about anyone else but that's girl code for "ask me out" and I've been more assertive with guys lately. He suggested the following day during his lunch and I told him I couldn't do it that day or for the next two because of meetings scheduled and being in and out of the office during lunch. I didn't say that though I used the word "booked".

I gave him two dates in the middle of the week to choose from. He didn't respond. I saw him at a office get together around lunch time as I was sitting by myself looking on my phone. He approaches me saying "you call this busy?" with a sour look on his face. I was kinda shocked that he would talk to me like that and and I felt the need to explain myself for what reason I don't know. I told him I was at the get together because my boss asked me to.

I believe he thought I was blowing him off. We had small talk and he walked off when I was going to ask him about scheduling. Ever since then there is no mention of lunch and I've caught him trying to avoid me. But since we work together I've made it my business to still be friendly and engage. It's like he put a wall up and a part of me is annoyed that he is treating me different but also sad because I thought he was a better guy. Why is he being rude and withdrawn now? I literally did nothing to him. Is he crazy?


Most Helpful Guy

  • Guys can be quite dense when it comes to picking up signals. Sometimes our shyness comes off aloof, assholish, even downright rude. Little do you know, that guy may have kicked himself in the ass for some of the things he did or said but feels like he ruined everything. Then it just makes his guilt and shame worse, hence why he avoided you. Add to that insecurities, like "she is a coworker, it will never work out" and "I am not good enough for a woman like her" running through his head, and you have a recipe for paralyzing anxiety.

    Sucks, but a lot of men AND women have these sort of thoughts. They could be awesome partners once they open up and trust you, but in the short term, their jerk brains (ego) takes over and becomes their worst enemy. It sabotages their happiness (and yours by extension). That is why the ego is an infection of mankind. It is pure insanity.

    After re-reading your story, maybe he did think you blew him off. Maybe he is so used to rejection that he is hypersensitive about it.

    It isn't your responsibility to reassure a guy, especially one who is still pretty much a stranger. But I think for both sexes, it does help to put ourselves in each other's shoes. Miscommunication, false assumptions, automatic thoughts, our energy in the moment, so many things come off to make our impression on others. We make mistakes all the time and we pick ourselves apart more than anyone else ever could, and little do we know, that the mistakes others make that we easily overlook, they are also overlooked in us.

    And our pasts don't define us.

    If you still think this guy has potential as a friend or more, I would just tell him that there was a miscommunication or you got off on the wrong foot and you'd like to start over. Then ask him if he'd like to go out and have a few drinks after work some time. It doesn't have to be a date. Keep it friendly. The key is to judge his energy. If he seems sullen, even after extending your hand in "truce", then I wouldn't suggest meeting up at all. BUT, if he does seem optimistic and a bit relieved, then maybe you just made him trust you and be comfortable.

    For shy guys, it is all about comfort and trust. You give him that, he will open right up for you.

    Trust me, I know I would if I liked you.

    • Thank you. I'm shy as well but I got tired of letting experiences pass by. I've struggled with low self esteem too. Now I make it by business to put myself out there and connect. I saw he needed help so I thought I would meet him 50 if not 70 percent and create the space for him. Which worked because he suggested lunch but it fell flat there in that email. I told a friend we are all blueprints of experiences and events in our lives. I've been rejected and hurt by guys but I also I wouldn't make others pay for past experiences. And he didn't give me the same courtesy. But asking out a guy at work and having it go the way it did Im hesitant now. If I want to date at work this person needs to be secure and professional enough to associate with good or bad. Judging how he acts now has me nervous. I'm trying to keep the peace, keep it cordial and find someone else who is a little more confident and mature. I'm growing in a way that I need that. It's sad cause I really like.

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    • Makes sense. It is good to have boundaries.

    • Thank you. And thank you for your insight. It brought my closure.

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What Guys Said 4

  • I don't know if he's crazy, but the way you put it might have been "blowoff-ish" I think he's interested in you, he just didn't want to come off as too flirty and possibly thought you just didn't like him. If you like this guy, go for it, and if he's still mad about what you did just explain yourself. Honesty is the only way to bring the truth out. Ask him why he might be mad too. He may be going through some shit. If he still isn't willing to talk after that, then it's his loss.

    • Thank you for your comment.

  • He probably thought you were blowing him off, which will have annoyed him. You should tell him that you like him. If he says he likes you back then arrange a date 😊

    • I know he likes me. I should have been more upfront with my intentions so that was my fault, I figure he had some bad experiences as have I but I wasn't trying to lump him in with a bad bunch. And I offered other dates to choose from. This wall he has built pushing me out is a huge red flag.

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    • Hope it helped!

    • It did. Thank you

  • You have to be careful with us guys were tought not to show emotions so wen we get an attachment and the feeling betrayed we get pissed it might pass just wate

  • He sounds a bit hypersensitive. Perhaps he thought you led him on and then blew him off.

    • Thank you for the comment.

    • But also I would say if someone didn't want to go to lunch at all why would they give you dates? And he knows I work off site a lot. Hypersensitive indeed.

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