I've met the perfect man.. Except he has a serious girlfriend.. Help?

So I've met my dream man.

We met by going for a weekend away with our mutual friends. This involved going to the spa together, going for dinner/drinks, and then sharing a common interest.

He impressed me in every way but turned out he was living with his long term girlfriend.

However, after the weekend, he messaged me. We continued to message each other and it became increasingly clear how perfect he was for me.

Things started to get more and more flirty, although we had an agreement that it would stay at banter and that's it. I respect that. I know we shouldn't even be flirting really, but I can't help myself.

We've flirted with the idea of meeting but not in any serious manner, although recently, he's seemed to be getting a bit more serious about the idea as he told me he was in my area the other day. Not with the intention to meet, but it seems to be heading in that direction.

I've come to terms with the fact we aren't going to be together. I don't want to be his bit on the side or his rebound. I know I shouldn't be flirting with him or talking about meeting. I genuinely just can't help myself. I love talking to him, it makes me happy. If it went any further I know I wouldn't be happy so I really am going to try to refrain from that. I'm just worried I won't be able to help myself.

I'm just so angry that life is like this. I can't explain why he's so perfect due to confidentiality but he really is 100% my perfect man. We would work so well together. Why have I been presented with him but not allowed to have him? What should I do?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • What you went through darling was A honeymoon phase. I can tell you right now... this guy isn't perfect... and isn't "perfect" for you either.
    How long ago was this? its still a honey moon "get to know" phase.

    You don't know how he is to someone he is dating. Just take a knee.. enjoy your time... find another guy.

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    THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
    • I absolutely agree

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    • It sucks haha. It's just so different to anyone else.

    • It takes time @Asker and i know EXACTLY what you mean...

Most Helpful Girl

  • My 2 cents... you’re just infatuated. You keep saying you know you shouldn’t be doing this and that but yet... you keep doing it. He keeps flirting with you while he’s in a relationship and even talking about meeting you... but let’s not forget the huge ass elephant in the room... he has a girlfriend... that he’s living with.

    Can’t judge their situation and if they’re together for the right or wrong reasons but they’re still dating and that’s all that matters. You don’t know why this guy is even entertaining you... his relationship could be almost over and he’s interested in pursuing you, they’re going through a tough time and using you to feel better (which never ends well), or he’s lustful and greedy. You’re falling for the way someone texts you and I assume talked on the phone a few times. I once had the “perfect guy” until his true colors came out and he was everything but.

    You’re already in too deep because you came on here asking about it. There’s really no “good” outcome of you continuing this situation because unless you walk away, there’s a 95% chance you’re going to just end up being the side piece whether that’s what you wanted or not.

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    • It's not even infatuation, that's the thing. It's the fact that I recognise our compatibility. Yeah we keep flirting, but 90% of our interaction is genuine friendship which I value. I'm not falling for him, I don't fall in love easily. I highly doubt that either of us would let it get that far. I don't want that and neither does he.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 12

  • First off, you only think he's dream man because you can't have him. Trust me, if he were single you would look for 1000 reasons that he could never work.

    Second, you should cut that "I can't help myself" bullshit. That's a lie. You don't WANT to help yourself, even though you know you can.

    Third, you're right, you shouldn't be flirting with him. If you don't think you can act like a grown-ass woman and conduct yourself around a taken man then you should probably just leave him alone.

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    • Thank you for your opinion, but you don't seem to understand the situation properly enough to have such strong convictions on the matter.

      First off, he genuinely is my dream man. Not because I can't have him. It's as if somebody had asked me what my ideal man would be like before I met him and then manifested him.

      Yes I can help myself, again, apologies for over dramatising. I enjoyed talking to him, he's a good friend. He helps me out a lot and gives valuable advice. We have common interest we enjoy discussing and have a laugh together.

      I can conduct myself around him otherwise I would have tried to jump his bones by now. I've also tried to leave him alone, but he messages me and I can't not reply. It's rude and as previously said, I enjoy talking to him.

      I think I should maybe just drop the flirting and try to be just friends.

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    • Yeah, I hear ya sister... I felt the same way about her. Crazy thing about the girl I was with was that her fiancé and I found out about each other at the same time. My advice; just leave it. You will only feel your heart get slowly beaten to a pulp.

    • I've accepted I can't have him as a partner but I really value his friendship and think I can be happy with that.

  • " I'm just so angry that life is like this" what a bunch of bullshit. you can meet and get other men in no time. LIfe is great for you. I am an autistic male, and lived ( if my experience can even be called living) and undiagnosed and untreated until recently. I never had ANY ONE throughout my entire YOUTH. LIfe is infinitely unfair. some complain because they can have that perfect one, while others rightfully complain that they never had anyone at all.

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    • Forgive me, that was overdramatisation to some degree. I am happy with my life, although you have no idea what I have been through. You shouldn't jump to judgments, as everyone is fighting their own battles. And everyone is entitled to their own feelings. And personally, I would rather not have something entirely than have it dangled in front of me but just out of my reach.

      I'm happy for you that your autism has been diagnosed. Now you know what you are dealing with. I have a lot of respect for autistic people. I know it can be difficult but those living with autism can have a lot of strengths.

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    • Look, I appreciate that you've been lonely growing up due to your autism, but many people grow up lonely. Many people have noone. I can guarantee that people have had it worse than you. Also, people don't have to be autistic to be lonely. There are those who have severe social anxiety for one, among many other mental health issues. I'm not going to argue about it.

    • @Danielstairclimber it's called asd for a reason: it's a spectrum, unlike gender, so that means we all have these issues to some extent. I didn't have girlfriends when younger for the same reasons. I have never formally asked a girl out on a date. I have never been on a date as you are thinking. The only way I ever got anywhere with women was by getting completely drunk and relying on my looks to attract predatory women. The first one who took advantage was 8 years older than I and became my first wife. Spending my 20s in solitary confinement would have been better than the 10 years I endured with her.

  • I've "stolen" girls that had boyfriends before. It never ends well - there is something in the universe called karma, God's justice, whatever you want to call it - and it will get you if you do wrong.

    I suggest you just forget about this guy, and find someone else. I know it will be hard, but you have to do it. Cut off all contact with this guy, and join a dating site.

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    • I'm not looking for a boyfriend, so I don't want to join a dating site. I have no interest in stealing him from his girlfriend, I respect their relationship. I don't want to cut all contact as I value his friendship. I'm just going to stop the flirting.

  • Masturbate 6 times a day for all weekdays, you'll get over him.
    By weekend you be wanting to do some real productive things.

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  • That's life, sis... I don't know if there's anything you can do, other than just tell him "look if somehow things don't work out with your girl, I would be interested in you romantically." Not much else to be done.

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  • You met the perfect man except he isn’t perfect. Lol.

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    • I know there's no such thing as perfect. He's my ideal life partner if he were single.

  • You might not be his perfect match. Think about it.

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    • You're probably right and I'm not in anyway hoping for a relationship with him. Just a shame that I can't see where things go with him.

  • then he is not the perfect man, find someone else and nobody is perfect.

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    • No, noone is perfect, but people can be perfect for each other. The only issue is that he's in a relationship already. And I respect that. I don't want to get in the way of that. I don't need to find someone else, I'm happy on my own.

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    • he said it nice, short and sweet... Mho right there.

    • It's also oversimplification

  • In this case it is very difficult to do anything too drastic but the best option would be to see if he has a brother, cousin, etc. that you can connect with as well, not sure if it would go over well with him but at least you aren't betraying your standards. If he truly is your perfect man and you can't help yourself the other option is patience. Calm, enduring patience until he has either married, broke up, or divorced her. Then even more patience to wait for him to rebound on someone else, and hope she doesn't sink her claws in. Best thing to do though is keep looking! Keep trying new things with new people! There are enough men out there he can't be the only perfect one!

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    • Thank you. He's not very similar to his family though. And thank you fir the advice. I appreciate it. The issue is I wasn't even looking for someone. I'm happy on my own. He just got dropped in my life all ideal and shit lol. Think I'm gonna drop the flirting and stay friends with him. If he ends up available then I'll be there haha.

    • Toughest think about love is if you're looking you hardly ever find the ideal man/woman that's why marriage rates are dropping in my opinion. And when you do find the right one they're taken!

  • You'll regret not trying. Put that snatch to it's proper use and go for it!

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    • I couldn't. I'd literally die of guilt for one. And I've got too many feels just to shag him. I'd be incredibly upset when he doesn't choose me 😂

    • People on their death beds always regret chances they didn't take rather than things they actually did.

    • I'm usually a yes person but I'm not going to ruin two other people's long term relationships over this.

  • Find soneone else homewrecker

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    • Read the comments and stuff. I have no intention of breaking his relationship up. But I value him as a friend too. I don't need anyone else so I don't have to find anyone else.

  • Find another guy... How old are you?

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    • I don't need to find another guy, I'm fine on my own. 25.

    • Typo.. 24

What Girls Said 10

  • Move on, you have no shot at anything meaningful

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  • Let me speak from the viewpoint of the guy. I have been in his situation before.

    I was with a long term boyfriend and started a new job. I met this guy (M) and we got on so well. he knew I was in a relationship and we were close friends. However it was obvious he did have feelings for me and a lot of the things he did looking back was inappropriate whilst I was in that relationship. I never cheated though.
    I ended up developing feelings for M and leaving a relationship that was mostly happy for him as clearly I didn't love him as much as I thought if I was wanting to be with M.
    M seemed perfect to me and everything my boyfriend wasn't. We connected well. After 5 months of dating I learnt what M's personality was really like and our relationship didn't work out~ I have never argued so much in a relationship with someone.

    I wish that M had backed off and stopped making so much effort with me at the start of our friendship, so I'm suggesting that you should limit your contact with this guy and keep it as a very casual friendship not talking super regularly. You need to wean yourself away from him and distance yourself a bit~ he will not be as perfect as you think he is. Respect his current relationship, how would you feel if your boyfriend had a close female friend who obviously wanted him?

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    • I 100% respect his relationship. I have accepted that we won't be together I'm just upset I can't see where it goes. I don't want to ruin his happiness, be a side piece or be a rebound. I'm in no way trying to steal him away. I think I'm gonna stay friends but cut the flirting.

    • Definitely cut the flirting.
      I think the guy is playing with fire as well, just be very careful. I wish I had stopped the casual flirting with my ex when it first started :/

  • I'm sure he's the perfect man right now... until you guys are living together and he becomes perfect with someone else, that is. I wouldn't trust someone who messages me while living with their significant other. Although it may be difficult, I would steer clear of this guy. Also, sometimes when you think that you'll never find someone else who has a previous lover's good qualities, you find exactly that.

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    • The thing is in my eyes he's not actually doing anything particularly wrong. He is flirting with someone he shouldn't be flirting with but he's established boundaries. I wouldn't be overly upset if I found out my partner was flirting with someone else.

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    • Thanks. Should I stop the flirting and try being just friends?

    • I think it is the less dangerous route yes. Because even just being friends can go wrong.

  • I even think talking to him is not a good idea. Why? Because it may get out of control and you may not help yourself too when the oportunity presents itself.

    So if you dont want to do something untoward, dont keep texting him.

    also, even if you dont know... those flirty banters, can really mess up a relationship. Especially if he starts spending too much time talking to you. More than the normal.

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  • Just stay a supportive and loving friend. Perhaps they'll break it off and you'll get to be together.

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  • Simple kill her
    Haven’t you learned anything watching yabdere anime
    Only way to get and keep your man is killing every girl that looks at him

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    • Haha I just saw this comment and it made me laugh! :P Have you played the demo of Yandere simulator~ it made me think of that ^_^

    • Other games exists other than Yandere simulator?
      I love it so much

    • Not sure about any other games

      But same, it's so much fun~ I can't wait until it's eventually completed :)

  • He's not your perfect man if he's with another woman. Just leave him alone and you'll save yourself a lot of heartache.

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    • I actually really value his friendship as well though.

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    • You said that he is your dream man and that you may not be able to help yourself. If you accepted your friendship, there would have been no need to post this question.

    • I just wanted people's opinions on the matter. I can control myself in terms of not letting things go further, I just don't want to not talk to him. I'm gonna drop the flirting though.

  • two words, move on

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  • Well he is not perfect for you because he has a girlfriend a long term girlfriend... long term thing makes a difference
    Don't be their joke
    It happened to me and my boyfriend once
    A girl told my boyfriend that she loves him but my boyfriend told her he is already in a relationship and sometimes when we joke around I tell him " shut up otherwise I'll throw you to Anna " let's say her name is Anna lol
    It's hard to break a strong bond and expect things to go smoothly find a guy who's already free...
    I do blame him though he spended time with you , maybe he was bored

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    • We only spent time together as part of a friendship group. We've just stayed in touch through messaging since. He doesn't know how I feel so I'm not their joke. I doubt she knows about me tbh. I really value him as a friend and we just have a bit if flirty banter from time to time. I think I was just a bit confused recently as he blurred the lines talking about meeting.

    • I certainly don't love him anyway lmao.

  • Every thing can be broken

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    • What?

    • Every relationship can be broken

    • I don't want to break anyone's relationship.

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