Would this be a red flag for you?

I told a guy I needed to focus on me before we could date and he was cool with it, and I was keeping him open as an option for when I was ready to date anyone.

in a completely different conversation he mentioned he would get back with his ex (from 4 years ago) in a heartbeat.

I told him it was sketchy and called his character into question and he didn’t seem to understand why, and tried to wave it off with “she lives in China now so it’s unrealistic.”

But it kind of left a bad taste in my mouth and I’m unsure whether to write him completely off or not
Updates:
I don’t wanna keep repeating myself to morons: I did NOT ask him to wait for me.

By “option” I meant I wouldn’t friendzone him so I may pursue things with him when I figured my own life out if he were available

Good fucking lord.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Yeah, definitely a red flag. Any girl giving a half excuse like "working on myself, right now" and keeping you on standby, wouldn't be worth it in the long run. You should ditch her and go for the one in China.

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    • Except he doesn’t know he’s on standby and I gave him no pressure to wait for me to figure myself out.

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    • I’m literally not even looking for anyone else I’m just focusing on me? By option I meant when I am ready to date I wouldn’t friendzone him in the meantime.

      But carry on being a troll my love.

    • Gladly, my dear:

      -Cover yourself more. Your dress is falling off in your profile pic.
      -You're leading on a dude and you called his character into question for not being opposed to dating an ex he left behind in a different country. Truly laughable (I did)
      -There's not even pressure on you to look. Guys approach. Not even looking is empty words from girls.

      I troll, but you're actually a pretty horrible person.

Most Helpful Girl

  • No. I mean the reality of a lot of relationships is there's still some unresolved feelings. They don't just disappear. Doesn't mean he'll be disloyal to you. Him telling you that actually kinda shows he trusts you a lot. Your reaction to it might be considered a red flag to him tho.
    Likewise, you're not even in a relationship with him either, you're actually kinda keeping him as an option right now so even if it would be disloyal, I don't think he currently owes you any loyalty if that makes sense. You're currently not loyal to him.

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    • I’m not saying it’s a red flag cause he owes me loyalty. It makes me consider what he would do if she did move back to America, or maybe they keep in contact with texting - I would not be comfortable with that, if we dated.

      I’m not controlling but it’s disrespectful for him to keep in contact with a female he said he would go back to in a heartbeat.

      I’m just uncertain on how loyal of a person he would be, I guess, because of that comment he made. Not necessarily when it comes to just his ex. Like in general.

    • The thing is I would say most people are generally like that, both male and female, where there's someone they'd take back or go out with if given the chance. Most of them are just looking to replace that feeling for another person with someone new, I'd say.
      And again, in most situations, if you and him were both together for a while and she moved back to America and things were going smoothly with you, he'd probably remain with you. Only if she came back like a week after you two started dating might I see that being a problem for you.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 21

  • Just read the question and some opinions and have to say if it were this black and white in life it'd be easy. Unfortunately it isn't though in my book it is a red flag not that you need some you time, thats perfectly normal, but actualy telling him "look i like you but its just not happening" no matter if it was your intention or not.
    Then him say he'd get back with his ex in a heartbeat is a bit cold but, for one he probably won't do it in a heartbeat and second you pull his character into question on loyalty when the "from 4 years ago" is the prime axample of loyalty.
    Ihave an ex that i lost 7 years ago and i'd still take the chance if i would get one. Ok i don't know the guy and can't judge his character but if you like him and wan't to date at some point don't write him off on this one comment and ESPECIALY DO NOT TREAT HIM AS AN OPTION, he wil notice at some point and you wil lose him as an option.

    This is purely how i would perceive it. If he likes you he'll wait for a bit. But the question is not wheter you have you life figured out. You need to as yourself wether you like him and would date him yes or no and act on that answer. Cuz in my experience if your waiting to be ready to date you'll be waiting an awfuly long time.

    Ps: it's quite normal for guys not to know you don't want them to wait for you. Doesn't make us morons. Infact you telling him in any kind of way he shouldn't wait sais he doesn't have any chance in hell of ever getting you. Again how i see it.

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  • I would probably be turned off if a girl said she would get back with her ex in a heartbeat. I would interpret that as meaning she still wasn't over him and is only considering me because she couldn't stay with her ex.

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  • Well if a female to me that she has to focus on herself that is away that she is telling me that she is not interested and didn't want to hurt my feels. That would be the red flag.

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    • Nah we have talked further and I told him I’m still interested but I’m just not going to be a dick and selfishly ask him to wait while I figure my shit out

    • Ok well there should no flags all.

  • I dont know how to put this, but you kept him as an option for when you needed, and he kept his ex as an option.
    Similar

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    • She’s not an option though. I don’t care if he has options that’s not what’s wrong to me in this situation, and I don’t think you’ll be able to help me as you don’t clealry see what’s wrong about what he said.

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    • Most definitely, I don’t want to be perceived as a plan b. Like he hoped to spend his life with this girl and it didn’t work out, and now he’s just settling.

      Doesn’t help he’s previously mentioned in a totally different conversation she was a 10/10 for him and had made a quip I was about an 8/10 for him.

    • I hope I have gotten it right so that I dont keep on blabbering about something unrelated.

      I think that his words and behavior based on whatever you have said reek of him being disrespectful towards you to a point where he is completely fine stating that you aren't at par with what he could achieve.
      If and when a relationship were to happen, it wouldn't be enjoyable emotionally to you because a relationship is doomed to collapse if it laced with lack of respect.
      It does work in some cases, but that requires the other partner to have low self esteem.
      You don't seem to be one of those fortunately.

  • Definitely a red flag. Means he still has feelings for her and even if it's unrealistic what if she happened to move back in the future then it sounds like he'd drop you for her

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  • So... it's OK for you to put him off, but if he's not willing to wait for you to sort your stuff out, he's trash?
    Yeah, sure, that makes sense.

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  • People have the tendency to get back to their exes cuz they were already intimate and it feels like its charted territory meaning it looks safer and more comfortable.

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    • Plus you left him as a chance soo can't really blame him

    • Not blaming him for anything, I get the feeling you didn’t fully read or understand. It’s ok though.

    • I feel like you shouldn't take this as a red flag, since its just something he regrets and was saying to you as a friend

  • "I was keeping him open as an option for when I was ready to date anyone."
    Thats your quote !!!

    What a bitch !

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    • Yeah? A private decision. I didn’t ask him to wait for me lmfao.

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    • you either stupid or you are playing one !

    • You’re the stupid one, honestly.

      I said I had to focus on me. AND LIKE I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I did not tell him to wait for me.

  • I mean, we all have several girls we kinda fancy, at least he honest

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  • The red flag is you he should be 100% free to date who he want YOU dropped him.

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    • Try reading again and if you fully comprehend it the 29th Time, come back.

  • Red flag: He's still in love with his ex

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  • He might *think* you were dropping him?

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  • I'm confused. Who's the red flag for?

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  • Well, you made in an option.

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  • Yeah

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  • everything is a red flag to me

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  • No she lives in China lol

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    • It’s not even fully about her, it’s about what that says about his character.

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    • Yeah in my book there is. Shows he’s a creature of comfort and is afraid to take risks. Shows he may not be someone who knows how to let go of the past. Shows he may not be fully loyal.

      But at the same time I enjoy his company so 🤷🏻‍♀️

    • Yeah well we’re all weird but good luck hopefully it works out in you’re favor ✌🏻

  • Its fine, only a pathetic loser would bother with the likes of you

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  • Reverse the situation and see how you'd feel as an "option". You degrade him without giving a definite answer and want to complain about him having "options" kinda selfish

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    • He doesn’t know he’s an option, it was a private decision. I didn’t ask him to wait for me to figure myself out.

    • You didn't give him a definite. You might aswell of said "maybe down the line" he doesn't know what's in your head and maybe is using the ex as a way to get a reaction and make you jelous. Maybe as way of making him self more appealing or "hot commodity". If you don't want silly behaviour like this give definite answers, be they tough or not. If he's genuinely interested he'll come back or wait

  • It could be a response to your '' I need to focus on myself''
    Leave him and date me

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  • You can keep him as an option but he cannot? Double standards much

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    • He can totally decide he doesn’t want to date me that’s fine with me. As far as he’s concerned we’re just friends and he’s not an option, I made it a private decision to keep him as an option and not fully “friendzone” him. That’s what I meant by keeping him as an option.

      It’s just weird he would tell me he would go back to her in a heartbeat when a day or two earlier we had made plans to go on a date the day he told me that.

    • I didn't know about the private decision.. That's a very red flag indeed... how do you plan to proceed now?

What Girls Said 3

  • Not sure if it would make me end it but it potentially could. Although he says it's unrealistic it's kinda like damn I guess I'm his second choice kinda thing.

    To be fair to him that's an ex that he's been with for a long time compared to you who he hasn't properly dated yet and had the chance to have such strong feelings - but would still kinda make me feel a bit shitty. I guess paired with insecurities you'd kinda feel like you were being compared to her and have the pressure of being 'as good' or 'even better' than her.

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  • I'm leaning towards yes. He seems to not be over his past.

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  • Definitely a red flag, some guys think that just because the girl they want isn't an option that we should just be happy about it. I'd want to feel special and irreplaceable you know? I don't take well to being a second choice. If it were me, I'd have nothing to do with him after that.

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