Why is it so hard for me to trust my bf?

I always say to myself “it’s okay to trust him. He is a good guy. He isn’t going to cheat or hurt you”. And, sometimes i can be trusting towards him and secure. But, other times. If he mentions a girl, like a friend of a friend or something. Like, if he asks about her, i get jealous and insecure. I think to myself “why does he want to know her name, or if that guy at the party was her bf?” And sometimes i will get an attitude because i feel jealous. And then he gets upset that i am thinking badly - like, thinking “oh, he likes her.” Or “oh, he thinks she’s cute”. Also, he is in a lot of group chats on whatsapp and his guy friends send pictures of girls and their body parts (I’m assuming my boyfriend doesn’t). And the photos save to his phone. He was trying to show me a picture on his phone, and i saw some of them in his gallery and i got upset. However, he explained it to me that the groups send SOO many messages and pictures, he doesn’t see them all that save. And he has to look through his phone later to delete them. After he explained it, i said “okay. It’s ok” but the damage was already done.

I think this stems from my last relationship. Where, with my boyfriend i was conditioned to image every girl as a threat. My ex would always flirt with girls in front of me/text them behind my back, and eventually i found out he cheated/tried to cheat a few times. And in the end, my ex broke up with me by never talking to me again and dating a new girl.

I know my boyfriend is different, but at certain i cannot Control my reactions and thinking. The fear and danger seem so real and strong :/

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  • Trust with anyone builds over time, so, date-to-date, you can learn to trust your new partner. Do they call/text/show up when they say they will? “Actions speak louder than words” is a cliché, but it’s so, so, so true when it comes to dating (and non-dating relationships, too). But, if your new almost partner is following through on things they said they’d do, they’re taking steps in the right direction to gain your trust, one trustworthy example at a time.

    Yes, a very bad thing happened — you were cheated on. But for every person that’s cheated on you, there’s someone out there who won’t. Actually, there’s probably plenty of someones who won’t. You have to stay positive, though, and keep the faith.

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    • Yes. We have been dating for 1.5 years. Sometimes i am calm and secure - but, other times i get really jealous and paranoid about things. My boyfriend is a good guy, i have never seen him approach another woman at parties/clubs/bars. I have never seen him text other girls either. Some dumb things have happened in the past - but, i can see he had made some effort to better his ways and not do dumb things that are meaningless to him, but have a lot of meaning to me (negative meaning, i mean). I just feel bad after i accuse him, because then he explains to me how his actions aren’t bad, and i just wish in the heat of the moment i can remember that he is a good guy, and things aren’t always what they seem.

      And yes, my ex cheated on me a lot. It was very hurtful. He would pin me up against other girls (celebrities usually) and that is not fair to compare us two :/ but yeah, my boyfriend said to me yesterday “it isn’t entirely your fault you think negatively - the people in your life and ex made you...

    • “... made you this way. But i am trying to show you a different and positive experience so you don’t have to worry about those things. Being cheated on or hurt”. Maybe i can try harder to believe him and trust him.

  • As far as I know, any image you receive on whatsapp will aitomatically save to your phone in a folder called WhatsApp Images. If the images are not located in that folder on his phone I would wanna know the explanation for that. Like if the images are in the download folder it would mean he actively downloaded them.
    Apart from that, it's hard to tell whether he's just being curious when he asks girls names and if they have a boyfriend or if he has other intentions. I would recommend talking about all of the issues you have and tell him exactly how you feel and the concerns you have due to your trust issue, but leave your emotions out of it. If you approach him calmly and he becomes defensive or angry, that's a big red flag.

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