How to become more feminine psychologically when you're naturally masculine?


So, this is a pretty intense one...

I was abused by my dad. Physically, but more so psychologically and emotionally, very severely.

It has affected all my relationships and left me with severe anxiety and a mistrust of people.

I don't do well with guys.

I am told I'm physically attractive and feminine-looking (5'0, long auburn hair, very slim but curvy) so I never have trouble attracting guys, and I'm very smart and nice as well.

My problem is that I feel I am internally male. Not in the sense of, "I need a sex change" male, but as in - I think and reason like a man. I am analytical, fearful of expressing my feelings and action focused.

This is because I dealt with the abuse by becoming extremely self-sufficient, knowledgeable, a survivor and immensely independent.

Furthermore, I made the massive mistake when I was younger of confusing what I was attracted to and valued with what people generally were attracted to.

My self-confidence (a lot of it faked), my protectiveness of others, my assertiveness, my pride, values, work ethic etc. All this stuff I love in guys and they seem to pride themselves as good character traits, but were turned off by it in me - I didn't clock the concept of polarity until very recently.

As I reach my late 20s I'm starting to tune more into my femininity. The part of me that can relax without always being busy/doing/planning. The creative side. The "I'll do this for fun even though it has no logical purpose" side.

Men seem to respond better to it and like it.

This, however, makes me sad because it's not my default, and especially in times of stress (which are often), I'll revert back to my pragmatic male brain.

Furthermore, the past year I have been working in a male dominated profession and the guys loved me there and found my jokes hilarious (and some of them thought I was hot), but even among all men I couldn't gain their romantic affection and I think this may be why.
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Furthermore a part of me doesn't really like polarity.

I have an analytical brain and I want guys who can challenge me and be similar to me intellectually.

I want a masculine guy who is unafraid of such character traits in a woman and we can grow together. Challenge each other.. not to challenge his masculinity... but, as people.

But I don't think I'll find this... so I have to accept that I have to change as feminine men don't turn me on.
How to become more feminine psychologically when you're naturally masculine?
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