Can you still find someone if you aren't self confident?

Everything always says the way to get a guy/girl is to be confident and love/be yourself, but what if you just can't do that? Are you just doomed to die alone?


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You are not doomed if "you just can't do that", but think about this, let's say you're on your deathbed (morbid, but hear me out), and you're thinking about your life and how you went through it without confidence or loving yourself, you ask yourself the question and reflect, "Did you live the way that you wished to live?" and if you didn't, "What would you have changed?" How would you see others describe your impact within their lives? Did you like what you imagined? IF not, then something has to change.

    Being in a relationship while not being confident in yourself or loving yourself, isn't bad, but is that how you would want to be in the relationship? Would you be happy with yourself or mad at yourself knowing that you have settled down while not being able to fully live the life and relationship that you wish to experience? This is situational, as if let's say you found a someone who is really fully in love with you and will die with you when you two are old, that's fantastic, but what if otherwise that isn't the case? What would you do?

    Nobody is doomed. It's how you think and perceive the matter that makes it seem doomed. If you think you can, then you can, but if you think you can't, then you can't. If that makes sense. Anyone can develop confidence within themselves. It's a skill in it own self, and with any type of skill, it can be learned. It just takes a FIRM decision and a growth mindset to want to improve on yourself to get things going. Set up a personal development plan for yourself to grow. Everyone has the potential to do this, but not everyone does it. Why? Because it's easier to sit within your comfort zone of less than best version of self, thinking that the world needs to change to have your life better, but in actuality if you want things to change, then you have to change. This in itself, sounds simple, but it's actually a lot of work, hard work, time, consistency, and accountability to yourself. And It's a choice that you'll have to one day decide. Be the same and average like most people or be someone better so that the world can see how bright your actual shine is.

    Confidence isn't about being cocky, but being sure of yourself to take on any of life's challenges that's being thrown at you. You will be more stable - mentally and emotionally. You'll know what you want and how you want to live your life. It's super worth it than having other people telling you how to live your life. Be a master of your own music strings of destiny.

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    • I know this is maybe a longer response than regular, but I'm actually hoping to add value to random people such as yourself. Also, this is just my perspective, don't take it fully if you don't want to.

      First off - I'm not better than you nor am I a super guru. I'm just some dude going through my own personal development phase to one day have a major impact on many many lives. I've realized that being mediocre in society will not give me the life that I wish to live, and I'm doing something about it.

      Personal Development Plan (Once a Day or more):
      Read books that works with success, confidence, spiritual, or communication principles
      Watch motivational videos on YouTube
      Listen to Audios that teaches you something
      Stay away from negative influences
      Associate with people who encourages and uplifts
      Find a hobby, meditate, or yoga
      These are some things you can do if you want to develop yourself

      There is so much more to say, but hope this helps you out
      You have potential to GROW! =)

Most Helpful Girl

  • It'll be harder in my opinion.

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What Guys Said 112

  • A lack of self confidence certainly isn't a plus, but it's actually something else which often (but not always) comes with low self confidence which is the real deterrent of dating.

    This is, that you still expect that someone else can fill the void inside you, and only if you're with someone else, you can finally start to feel different about yourself. Being panicky about the future "do I have to grow old alone" is another part of it.

    When people are like this, others don't want to date them, and these people can't approach others either much because rejection would be too crushing.

    However, if you learn not to care much about your future (fuck it!) or what happens, and really don't expect anyone else can fix you, there just aren't any big stakes or risks anymore. Others might sense you don't feel that great but they're also assured you're not putting it on them to solve it.
    People with low self confidence who functions this way actually do get dates and into relationships, in spite of their self image problems.

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  • I'm not giving a final word on your life with my response, it's not advice, just a few observations that need to be properly contextualized to generate the right attitude, which is the correct solution to the issue your bringing up. Confidence in 'being yourself'.. This sounds like self esteem obsess mumbo jumbo: you can be unsure about many things and still appear level headed, humility is the key to an authentic confidence: many people are so inwardly unsure they can't even notice they are surrounded by characters that are similarly self-absorbed in their internal drama and patterns of senseless lack of sensibility. It is important to have your eyes open so you don't end up in a co dependent relationship, it's better to be alone than divorced soon after marriage.

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  • Yeah. Finding someone is a lot less likely if you're being passive about it. Plus confidence is attractive in its own right.

    I often have the same thoughts as you about not loving myself or being confident. I'm trying my best to be a person that I like, but for myself not for partners. When depression has gotten the best of me I've sabotaged relationships because I feel like they don't deserve to be with me.

    Also confidence can take many forms. You don't have to be a typical extrovert to be confident. Being able to talk about topics, having a passion, or being comfortable in unusual situations are just some examples of confidence. Just not what most people think of in their mind's eye

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    • Ah.. well I'm not really good about any of those things... I've been told that the only thing I get passionate about is Lord of the rings and I always seem like I'm at a constant low which is true but well I don't know how to fix that lol

    • Do you do any physical activity that you enjoy? It's a go to solution for helping deal with depression, but will work for all people. Group activities might also help, you fancy Larping?

    • I've always wanted to try..

  • Funny, I just replied to guy that had the same question about self-confidence. I'll just give you the same reply. I had a pretty jacked-up life growing up. When I was in high school, I didn't do ANYTHING, got bullied around, and I didn't even TALK to girls, because I didn't know what to say to them, and I was simply afraid of them. By the time I graduated, I was considering suicide as an option, because I was going nowhere, career-wise or relationship-wise.

    A couple of years later, life started getting better. I got a new job, moved away from my parents (I NEEDED to get away from them), did a lot of growing up, learned and did things I wanted to do, which expanded my life, and gave me a feeling of self-confidence.

    This picture was me when I was a scared high school nerd, and then me, many years later. The biggest difference is that projection of confidence. From the time I was 20, until the time I was 30, I had transformed into an entirely different person.

    What you need to do is just get involved in activities that will expand your horizons, and give you a feeling of self-confidence. I personally took up ice skating lessons. After a while, I could skate around and talk to somebody, or if they weren't interested, I'd just go back to my skating moves, and keep expanding my world. In my twenties, I had a couple of relationships, and eventually ended up getting married.

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  • You should look into therapy to fix your confidence because while you CAN get a guy, in long term relationships insecurity leads to various problems. For example if you’re moping around ALL the time it’s going to get old for him.

    No, you won’t die alone but you’ll be way happier if you deal with your issue.

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    • Honestly the problem more likely to arise would be jealousy. Insecurities derived from a lack of self worth will lead one to comparing themselves to others and convincing themselves of all of the reasons why they're not good enough for the person they're with.

  • Not at all. Sometimes all it takes is finding someone you live to make you self-confident. Just stay clean and well dressed, find something in your life that makes you happy and focus on improving yourself. That's how you find someone or how someone will find you.

    If you're just feeling desperate and looking around for someone to live you it's not going to happen. You have to be you so that someone can love it and take an interest in your life.

    For someone to want to be a part of your life, you have to live a life to be a part of

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  • Oddly, no. but it may not matter. Sometimes, falling in love (unlike crushing) can be the confidence boost you need.

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  • I think the most interesting and long-lasting relationships come about when you least expect it. That's what happened to me and I am so thankful that it happened.

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  • Yes go for someone who is your opposite lol. Learn to love their optimism and enthusiasm before you know it they will have you out of the rut your in. And you will be left speechless when you look back.

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  • It makes it harder but not impossible, the the best thing is not to try too hard take things as they come. You'll feel more confident and it will seem a lot easier when you aren't stressed over it.

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  • If you're a woman and at least half good looking then you've got a shot. Otherwise no.

    That said confidence can be worked on. A few years ago I had social anxiety. Now I'm able to approach women in all sorts of places and do about 30 per week.

    In what way are you lacking confidence?

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  • You can! And you will. But you have to be willing to open up to some one you are interested in. They too might be feeling self conscious and insecure and afraid that you may reject them.

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  • It's okay to be not so confident. Sometimes the most confident and robust person becomes disillusioned and low in confidence if he/she suffers a major set back in life. It's okay to be lose confidence at some point of your life but what you should always have is faith. Have the faith in yourself. Know your limits. Know where you come from. Be realistic. If you accept your true self in front of a girl then most of the time you'll get appreciated. It's better than showing off and making an ass of yourself. Just be yourself, don't have to throw cheesy pick up lines. Make eye contact, be simple, crack jokes, share your music tastes, ask about her favourite stuffs and there you go you have started a conversation. And yes approaching a random girl in public may give you goosebumps if you are low in confidence. But you have to push yourself. Don't think too much. Just go and introduce yourself simply. 80% of the time it works by saying "hey I'm (your name) how you doing?". Because the most important thing a lady wants is something genuine, something she can trust and someone who's reliable. This is personal what I feel. So you don't have to be a stud all the time to win over girls and get there attention! (:

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  • If you're a girl yeah if you're a guy no

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  • I'm certain everyone is approachable... Just gotta make yourself like that. Let the guy start of the work, and let it flow! As long as you can hold a conversation you should be fine 😎

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  • Yes you can tons of people get guys/girls and they have no confidence. Some of them act like they do and fake it hard. Others are damsels in distress and guys think they are all manly for getting a girl like that. Girls see the guy as aww he is so adorable like a little puppy etc etc.

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  • You could become an astronaut if you wanted now. I don't get how you can't teach yourself to be confident if you think it's bothering you that much.
    You just seem very lazy. Instead of fixing your problems, you want to be in your own little comfort zone.

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  • I believe if you are in that zone then you should just dive into something like dancing. If you travel to hour away places then people will definitely not care who you are and you can just make a fool of yourself and enjoy yourself. Next thing you know your building your confidence fast.

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    • good idea. i did that with theater. i traveled to another city once a week for a work shop where no one knew me. it was awesome.

    • I used to have a place in Raleigh, NC called City Limits. It was an hour away from base so they could not recognize me and they just thought I was one fit guy instead of a douchebag soldier.

  • Plenty of guys who are the same as you. Don't worry about it. Being a girl I would feel quite protective of you, boys don't like confidence in a girl as much as girls like it in boys.

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  • Yes you can. You just won't be behind the wheel in the relationship.

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  • nah. never think that i'm confident.
    not even got the guts to do any presentation, or ask a hot passerby for their name/ number.

    mobile phone help a lot for that. coz i get less shy when talk on the phone / text message? need to try hard to ask friends for her phone number though.

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  • Yes but, more than likely they'll find you. Trust me that yes it's good to possess self confidence but, not a necessity. You're only 22, a little early to be wondering about dying alone.

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  • Indeed, you can.

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  • Yes but they may be wrong or bad for you. I married someone when I was lacking confidence. It ended badly and I was abused. That's just me though. Other people get confidence growing with their partner. Learn to understand what a healthy relationship is.

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  • Confident isn't everything, sometimes it can work against you. Grace and humility shows a lot of strength.

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  • I'm not confident and consider myself pretty insecure. But I believe maybe one day someone will genuinely like me for me and vice versa. There are no rules when it comes to love. I dream of that day.

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  • If you can't love yourself, you'll never be able to love someone else because you'll never be able to trust that they love you for you - after all, even you can't love you for you!

    If you aren't self-confident, my best advice is fake it until you make it. Confidence is a habit and practice makes perfect. Forgive yourself for mistakes, that also helps.

    Its easy to find someone, even if you don't love yourself or aren't confident. The hard part is keeping someone.

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  • Sure you can

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  • You sure can! I found someone this past year and I wasn't self confident at all. They helped me and made me feel more confident in myself. I asked them out not long after. (Update: we broke up 4 months later 😢)

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  • Just be you, be completely yourself. If you accept and love yourself the way you are, everyone will accept you.

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What Girls Said 39

  • No not at all! Honestly, the best method to earn people's trust and affection is simply being genuine. Genuine to others and yourself. This means being honest, polite, and even open and trusting. You get what you put out, so to say. You don't have to be loud or "out there" so to say.. just be you and don't hide away your personality from people. You'll find someone being yourself.. and that's the best way to find people. But I know people who're extremely shy and quiet, yet they can still find partners. So it's honestly got nothing to do with that! I hope this helps :)

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  • No you're not doomed but self love is the key to a healthy relationship. Otherwise you might cling to the other person and crave their attention which is toxic and will get you hurt. So.
    Self confidence is not the way to find somebody (although it makes it easier). It is the way to not get broken when rejected.

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  • Yes you can, but why does that matter? If you're not self-confident then you are pretty much doomed to a lame life. Will you just lean on that person and let them take care of you forever? Even if you find your prince charming, your still not gonna be fully happy until you gain self-confidence. Because, in the end, the only person who matters, the only person who can make you truly happy, is you. Confidence is our best friend.

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  • Not necessarily but in my opinion, thinking of dating someone when you are insecure about yourself is a terrible idea. You need have a life you love and put value on yourself before even thinking about involving someone else because that means that you’re happy with being single, that you’re emotionally independent and you understand that your happiness doesn’t depend on someone else. This is important because if a relationship fails, you know you’ll be alright because you know your worth and you know that you’re not defined by this kind of life events. When you invite someone to be part of your life, that’s what they should be... a part of your life, not your life. Unfortunately, when you’re too insecure you can end up putting more value to your partner than to yourself and that’s not a good thing.

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  • Me and my boyfriend were friends for a long time before and even if I am not really self confident, he's mine now ❤

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  • Who you date is determined not only by attractiveness but also by luck. I once met a guy who would stutter about 30 times a minute during presentations and his wife was the smartest, most intelligent, tallest, most beautiful, most supportive, and most loyal person ever. You wouldn't expect somebody that insecure to secure such a wonderful relationship. Also look at Priscilla Chan - she is like a 3 out of 10 in beauty and she is married to one of the richest billionaires in America. She's not even a good person! Look at posts she's made online!

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  • Yes. But the only problem is it will be a very unhealthy relationship with a lot of problems on the one who has insecurities about their confidence. That can later become a turn off for their partners.

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  • Yes, you can find someone, but it will be harder to maintain a healthy relationship if you are a deeply insecure person.

    Not impossible, mind you, but very challenging.

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  • Honestly that's a bullshit concept I have very little self confidence and have to ask my friends of multiple years if they still like me or if it's just a prank sometimes and I have a girlfriend. But sometimes you love someone so much you can forget what hating yourself feels like.

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  • Being confident sure helps with just about everything in life, that definitely includes finding someone !!!

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  • I have to lack confidence to get a guy lol. People hate if you know you are good looking, you have to point out flaws and say "oh no one likes me" (which is true if you don't say that because they think you are stuck up). They want the pretty girl that doesn't know that she's pretty... Like blind girls, if you are blind you're in XD

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  • no not at all! just because you aren't confident, when someone likes you, they will bring out the best in you. especially in a relationship, you will become more comfortable and confident. just don't give up !!

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  • I should think so

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  • Yeah of course

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  • Of course

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  • You can find someone, but it probably won’t be a good relationship.

    How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.

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  • Yes, I have 0 self esteem and I found a boyfriend who loves me and I love him. He tells me how perfecct and beautiful I am but I refuse to believe it.

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    • Why would a girl refuse that? I'm dating a girl and she's so handsome and sweet, but everytime I say that to her, she won't believe it or say that's not true.

  • The point is not about being confident but about being true to yourself and not pretending to be someone you aren't. Plus, finding someone will probably boost your confidence.

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  • Yes. I know plenty of insecure people in relationships.

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  • Nope, I think you can find someone if you're not self confident. There always will be someone who will see you even when you're invisible for others.

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  • I don’t think finding someone is related with confidence. It can happen anytime anywhere. It doesn’t need any reason.

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    • I think it certainly is related but being insecure doesn't stop you from finding a relationship

  • Yes you can find someone if you still aren't confident

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  • Possibly

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  • Of course you can,

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  • Yes.

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  • No, someone can love you even when you can't love yourself.

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  • Of course. There is someone out there compatible for you

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  • I sure hope so.

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  • Yes you can but try to be confident anyway

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  • I have no self confidence, 30 yo and still single so... I think it's very difficult.

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