Was my best friend my rapist? What should I do?

One night after a party my drunk friend forced himself on me. I kept on saying no. I was kicking him and screaming but he hand me pinned down. He force my clothes off and well the rest happened. I left in tears immediately after it happened. I was unsure if I was supposed to go call the police or not because I've known this guy for a really long time, we've been good friends for a really long time. He claims he doesn't remember what happened because he was drunk and has apologized a million times. I never saw this coming as I said we were very good friends, close to being best friends. I'm blaming myself for it because he was drunk and I was around him.. I must have sent a wrong signal.. led him on.. something.. I felt like I probably could have fought a little harder. I just don't know. I dont know what to do. I don't know how to deal with this and I have no one to talk to because I'm very ashamed. I feel really violated and I'm at a standstill in my life right now. Most nights I wake up crying. I feel like my life is falling apart.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Assuming this is not a troll posting...

    Intoxication has nothing to do with guilt or innocence. He wasn't too drunk to pin you down. He wasn't too drunk to get his pants unzipped. I doubt that he doesn't remember; he just doesn't want to admit it.

    For a lot of people, alcohol reduces inhibitions. It doesn't change their core personality. When he gets drunk, he does the bad things that he knows are totally unacceptable. But he will just claim he was drunk, so he didn't realize what he was doing.

    He may not be able to see himself the way he really is. I think shrinks call it denial. But he is a predator waiting for his chance to get away with it again.

    Just my opinion, based on your description of events.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Tbh, he probably remembers—someone who is drunk enough to not remember loses a lot of control over his body and wouldn’t have been able to be coordinated enough to pin you down and undress at the same time. Report him.
    And I know you feel guilty, but you shouldn’t ok? There is nothing more you could have done. He raped you and that is not your fault. You should probably talk to a professional to debrief from the situation and maybe consider attending therapy/group therapy sessions for a while... you are not alone and we support you, girl!

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Its not your fault at all. If he was drunk - or not drunk - he raped you. That is inexcusable. What I would have done was file a police report and blocked his number.

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  • This is pretty cut-and-dry, here. You said no, he forced the issue. That's rape. There are no qualifying factors that make this okay. You simply being around him doesn't change anything. Him being a close friend doesn't change anything (side note; close friends don't rape each other). And you didn't lead him on.

    Being present while he's drunk doesn't make this okay. You not "fighting hard enough" didn't make it okay. There's no minimizing or sugar-coating what he did. He violated you, he took advantage of your friendship, he forced himself on you. He raped you.

    Even if you might have been showing interest earlier on, that doesn't matter. The moment you said "no", that's the end of it, sex is no longer okay at that point.

    This is not a person that deserves your sympathy. Whatever you think you know of him, this action has shown his true colours. He is not a person who respects boundaries, your friendship, you as a woman, not even does he respect you as a human being.

    You should most definitely be reporting him, there is no right answer here that doesn't involve you talking to the police. And please, for your own mental health, and future well-being, talk to a therapist. This will definitely have negative effects on you and all future relationships that you won't even see coming until it's too late, and a trained mental health care provider will be able to help you before those negative become overwhelming.

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  • Yes, from what you have said, yes he did. And you have nothing to be ashamed of and every right to be angry. Confide in someone about it, the police have counsellors who can help you discuss it. You are not alone. Be strong. You may have the opportunity to save someone else by confronting this.

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  • Oh no.. you are not at fault, and it was definitely rape. Doesn't matter that he was drunk. You could've been prancing around naked and flirting with him all night. As soon as you say no it's rape. what you want to do at this point is completely up to you.

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  • Ok this is what I don't understand. You were raped, you are the victim. Do not feel ashamed if being a victim. He did rape you as it was against your consent. But is he really remorseful? Do you believe he was? Does he believe what you told him?

    I think this is what's important on how to follow up in deciding this matter.

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    • After reading others comments and taking their points into account, he was drunk but not enough to where he couldn't remove his clothes, your clothes and muster up enough will power to force himself on you after you tried to fight him off. Call the police.

  • Yeah, you need to report his ass. Doesn’t matter how long you have known him rape is unacceptable and unforgivable.

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  • When it happened to me it was by someone I thought I could trust. I felt ashamed and guilty, it took me 20 years to tell someone. Don't make my mistake.
    You know the answer to your question. He raped you, but that does not defined you. Tell someone, someone you know will be supportive of you. Someone who knows this is your story and when you're ready to tell others you will, when your ready.

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  • Yeahhhh... I'm pretty sure what you just described is rape. leading someone on is a terrible thing. I have been led on multiple times but even so, it doesn't excuse rape. You can be upset about it and even cut the person out of your life but not rape them! Holy Shit! O_O

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  • You were raped. You've made bad decisions before did you wake up weeks later in tears over them? NO... You didn't. If you press charges or not your stuck until you deal with the fact that yes you were raped and make him deal with the fact he raped you. NO SETTLEING FOR I DONT REMEMBER BULLSHIT. YOU ALWAYS HAVE THE RIGHT TO CHANGE YOUR MIND AND SAY NO. IN THAT POSITION AGAIN USE YOUR NAILS GET GREAT DNA EVIDENCE GO STRAIT TO POLICE OR HOSPITAL. forgive yourself it wasn't your fault.

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  • He k ow what he did and you need to call the police. If you say no it stops immediately!!! Do nothi g and it will probably happen again. To you or someone else. NO MEANS NO!!!

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  • Its not your fault. Go to the police. Drinking does not make you rape your best friend. That fcuker needs to be locked up. Talk to someone close to you about this. Maybe your parents or a friend. You dont have to go through this alone.

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  • That is unacceptable and is rape. Doesn't matter if you've known him for a long time and he's a "good guy"

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  • He either did it on purpose, or he was totally so drunk he did not know what he was doing. It is us to you to learn the truth and forgive him if it is proper.

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  • You said no. Then he raped you. You should have called the police immediately.

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  • Yeap friend or no friend he raped your ass better go report

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  • Don't feel ashamed. Report him, so he doesn't do something like this to someone else.

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  • Sorry to say this, but you were raped by someone you think is your best friend. Let me tell you he's not your friend.
    You should report him and stay away from him.
    No one however drunk will do such a thing if he didn't thought of it. He maybe several time imagined to do that with you when he's sober. He just found the opportunity after the party as he was drunk.
    Better stay away from him and talk to someone who's close to you, maybe family especially sister or any close friend.
    Before reporting him to the police, go and talk to him and ask him to explain in detail what happened and why he did that and record it secretly on a camera. Keep the video to yourself. When you report him, if he confess on his own to the police, then don't say anything about the video and if he rejects the accusation, then show them the video, keep the copy of video with you someplace safe.
    Keep yourself strong, make new friends and move forward in your life.
    All the best.

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    • A video recorded without knowledge and consent is inadmissible, but the rest of this is good advice. Being drunk doesn't make you forget what no means, it doesn't make you think tearing someone's clothes off as they struggle is OK, it just lowers inhibitions. He did those things because he always wanted to, and just forgot all the reasons he doesn't when sober. You have been manipulated by a sociopath. Don't let it continue, and DO NOT try to manipulate in return; he's better at it than you, he has far more practice. Report him to the police and don't talk to him at all.

    • If he feel the guilt, he'll tell the truth to the police when reported otherwise he'll tell it's a lie and he hasn't done anything and there's nothing to prove it.
      Report him before he does that with another.

  • Report him. You did nothing wrong. Please put the blame where it belongs. . . on him!

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  • you're not at fault. He's a rapist and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Some people are bad. he's one. You are not.

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  • So proud of the men on here, thank you :)

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    • That's not proud stuff that's just being a man. Real men wouldn't treat a woman that way. Men stand up for women. Most have a sister or a daughter and were raised by a mother. I think rape should end your ability to e we do it again. Weak ass excuses bout how drunk he was he's apologizing because he knows he raped that girl. My mom fought me that personal responsibility is a botch and that's what that guy should be for the next couple decades in prison.

  • Yes he RAPED YOU report him!!!

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  • I'm also very proud of men over here

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  • You should report him

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  • Can you tell if it was on purpose?

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  • He has planned it from the beginning

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  • What scares me the most is he got drunk blacked out and acted like this. Some people change once they are drunk. And he is one of them types and he truly probably does not remember what he did. The problem is that he will continue with the behavior and rape other unsuspecting women. He needs treatment and to be arrested and be taken away from the public before he does more harm.

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  • Those pinks commenting about being proud need to get over themselves. What a patronizing comment to make.

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