When is it okay to open up about the more darker, personal things in your life with your partner?

So I've been dating this guy for 6months and it's fair to say he thinks I'm this amazing, happy, super fun girl but I'm not nearly what he thinks I am sometimes my smiles are fake and I'm really down but keep it hidden because I don't want to put my emotional baggage on him.

I've let off subtle hints to him before that my life's not as prefect as he thinks it is but I've never told him the whole story. For example when ever he brings up his school days and asks me about mine, I just say "I just want to forget about the whole thing I hated school" as I was bullied for having learning disabilities and was extremely shy but he doesn't know I was bullied or had problems with my confidence for years.

I also had a massive mental brake down before we met as I was fired from my job and my grandma died and he doesn't realise he was a massive part of making me get my life back together and making me feel happy again. I really have a massive amount of appreciation for him being in my life, if it wasn't for him I would probably not be hear telling you this today, 6months before meeting him I hated my life and was considering suicide but he has no idea and I don't want to make him feel overwhelmed or trapped to stay with me if I tell him this.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This sounds like my ex boyfriend.
    He was bullied through school and had problems with family but would always keep it brief with me.
    It frustrated and was draining to me because he would bring it up and dwell on a situation of the past but not tell me what it was. It wasn't until after it ended that I realised how tough his childhood was.
    Anyways i'd say tell him because you're not only living a lie for yourself, you're living a lie for him too. If he can't handle the darker aspects of your past, do you really think he is worth your time? Relationships aren't all sun and roses and most guys are aware of this.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • There is an interesting answer to your dilemma. Which I propose. Write down everything you would like to let go physicaly on paper. In a list or a letter or whatever you think is the best way to get it out. DO NOT concern yourself with how it is written only what you need to say to yourself to let those things go. Seal it in an envelope and give it to him. Tell him when he is ready to hear everything about you. Read it. But only of he's willing to accept with everything. You may already feel somewhat better after writing your feelings down

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  • You've created a complicated situation for yourself. However, six months isn't too long in the whole scope of things. The best thing, in my opinion, is to open up early on in the relationship. That way, if they are not going to feel the same about you afterword, you get it over before you become too deeply attached. Often we misjudge people and their willingness to overlook imperfections in their s/o. The best advice I can give you is that you need to figure out how to get it all out in the open ASAP. Full disclosure is critical in the building of a strong, stable, and healthy relationship. To hide your true feelings from your partner could be devastating to the relationship down the road. If your partner falls in love with a false persona, eventually the real person comes to the surface and they might not like that person, or even feel as though they've been mislead or tricked. You need someone who loves you, as you are, not someone you can project yourself to be. I would explain to him your dilemma, openly and honestly, along with your reasons for not telling him sooner and make it clear that you don't want him to feel trapped because you love him enough that you'd accept loosing him in order for him to be happy. 99% chance this won't be the case, but by you acknowledging it and stating it, you will create a situation where he can be comfortable while processing it all. Once transparency is achieved, not only will your heart and head feel unburdened, he will be better equipped to give you what you need. I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck in reaching a resolution.

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  • So first i want to say im sorry you were in that state. As someone whos been there, i understand and it sucks.

    Now here's my opinion. First, acknowledge that, while you're grateful for him being in your life, you will be okay even if he isn't. And that while he makes you happy, he being with you doesn't define your happiness.

    The next thing, i would do is tell him all of what you feel as open and honestly as possible, but make sure he knows that while he makes you happy, its not his responsibility to keep you happy. .

    here's a list or reasons for why i think this.
    1. You need to know you'll be okay. If you dont believe it he won't either. And telling him that you were suicidal at some poing will likely make him feel responsible. I've been on both sides of that.
    2. Accept that he could reject you if you tell him, and know you'll get through it even if he does.
    3. If you dont tell him, eventually he will reject you. Not because he knows but because relationships are about getting to know one another, understanding, growth and pain. That means the shitty parts that we dont like need to be known and accepted by your partner as well. If you hide your true feelings forever he will sense it eventually, and it will most likely cause a rift. The longer the rift exists, the more his imagination will work.

    Ultimately this is all my opinion from an internet stranger, but i wish you the best

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  • I've seen a lot of variants on this question over the years, and I've started giving the same answer every time: show him what you wrote here. Like, literally open up the app and show him, unedited.

    Everyone has turmoil below the surface. Most people have dark times in their history. It's not something to be ashamed of, and more likely than not he's got his own list of things he's nervous about sharing with you too. Break the ice.

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    • @tlgannon has the greatest idea. Show him this and tell him what he means to you and how great he is as he helped you out in the most difficult time of your life.

    • Good one !!

  • I think now being 6 months in is a healthy time to start to open up a little more about these things. Do it little by little and naturally. By “naturally” is if the topic of conversation comes up. He may also reveal parts of himself you might not have known. This also has the potential to bring you both closer together

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  • Sounds to me that your life is now on the bright side. There is nothing to big that you can't get over. Remember that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Don't ever go there, let alone think it because everything happens for a reason. Everybody gets bullied in their life at sometime. Let it go and enjoy what you have and be happy for what you have. Just remember that very few things last forever. If a rosebush loses it's flower it grows another one and such are relationships. Sorry about your Grandmother and I'm sure that she was a wonderful person, but human life is not forever. Just be thankful that you had her for as long as you did. Don't look back because you can not change what has happen, but you and you only can dictate you future. As for your boyfriend, he really doesn't need to hear your dark side at this point. Someday in the distant future you may want to tell him but I don't think now would be the right time. You want him to like you for who you are now with no guilt trips. Just be the person you are right now, because it's working. Hope this helps and good luck !!

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  • Six months? Wow usually that ends after six weeks.
    I would not throw all of that at him all at once. But tell him a little at a time like start with your school days were not so easy but you got past all that. Bit only if you did. It he really cares for you. He will be there for you. Also , remember. It's not all him who got you over that bad spell. You had a lot to do with it. You chose to get over it also. Give yourself credit hun !

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  • What a heartfelt, lovely thing to it would be for him to hear this from you. He might be feeling confused and this just maybe what he needs to hear from you. If he truly loves you, he knows that you hide pain deep down. I think we all do in some way or another. Thank you for sharing such a personal part of yourself. It took courage to write that. If you ever need to talk anything, send me a pm.

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  • The fact you are asking means, to me, you feel ready to tell him but scared of the consequences.

    I would tell him. He deserves to know, you deserve to know if he can handle it.

    I told my boyfriend I was raped a few months before meeting him before we dated. I felt he deserved to know.

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  • A little at a time but you don't have to get down to the details; it can be an overall executive overview, " I was in a dark place, but you helped me out." You can tell him about your grandmother dying and that you were bullied.

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  • It doesn't matter on how long you're dating him. It depends how close you both are, are you both comfortable with each other. Will he understand you. Does he share secrets with you which he don't say to anyone. Just start by opening up with some little darker, personal things and see how he handles it, if then you think he can handle those things, then open up about more things gradually. Maybe ask about his secret, be the someone he can share secrets with.

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    • True, if you are Friends and not only a couple you should be able to talk about those things. Also it is not something to be ashamed of, those things you mentioned, in my opinion.

  • Just show your self as you are since the beginning but only telling your "dark side" when you feel confident and comfortable.
    If you don't, the future could be a big mess for your and you and your boyfriend.

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  • Im so sorry girly :( but dont ever hold back on who you are❤❤❤ good things or bad things💚💚💚 i understand i couldnt open up my boyfriend on things but you know what the right person will love you for the good and bad. If he can't handle you at your worst he doesn't deserve you at your best❤❤❤ we're all human :)

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  • There is a bad thing about opening up to people, is going to hurt a lot when they cross you, i would rather keep my mouth shut and mind my own bussiness for at least a couple of years

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  • I feel like if you feel that you can't tell him then it's not the time. As a person who has a lot of issues you can tell if a person is ready for your crazy or not.

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  • Not after 6 months. Way longer. You can't just dump everything on him like that. Dropping hints is stupid. Talk to a professional about your issues don't drop them on your man.

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  • Communication AND honestly are the two foundations most important for any relationship to thrive and succeed. If you are expecting a future with him, the sooner you open up to him, the better.

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  • That is a lot at one time. if you love him don't fake life. How you feel is how you feel deal with that honestly. Depression hit most people at some point.

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  • Hey the things you are describing are normal, everyday issues people suffer, if your still unsure how to talk about it, just wait for a better time.

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  • Never anymore. Cause I did that and the next argument we was in, he threw it back at me. Called me a liar. So fuck that shit.

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  • I have learned to be honest early in the relationship.

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  • Story of my life. Bullied in childhood, lost someone close, got fedup went nuts and quiet my job. Right now I am wondering what I do with my life.

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    • I know it's easier said then done but just hope for a better day and realise when one door closes another one opens and when it does you will realise how beautiful life really is.

  • As long as you don't mind others eventually knowing when you break up. Your not obligated to tell him what you don't want to.

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  • There really is no definitive answer for this question. Things like this are really determined on an individual basis and can inly be determined by the parties involved. If you really feel as though you need to open up with him, Id suggest you do so at a slow pace and in bite size pieces. Take a moment when its just the two of you and share a little with him. If he reciprocates, tell him more. You need to realize that at some point, you're going to have to truly open up to him othwrwise your 'hidden ' emotions and agendas are going to rise to the surface and he's going to be clueless as to why you're upset unless youve already filled him in. And if he has no clue and only sees you getting upset without reason, you may very well scare him off. That was kind of jumping ahead on my part but, it is a reality. Like I said, bite size pieces till he opens up. Hope this helps and best of luck!

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  • When both of you already becoming grandma and grandpa, sitting in a bench, seeing your grandchildren, and you're happy and appreciate everything

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  • You are his girlfriend, he's ready for whatever is weighing on you.

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  • I don't know if there’s generally a time frame it’s good to tell. I mean if you feel comfortable telling him then tell him. It seems to me your ready to tell him but your still nervous which is understandable. You’ve been through a lot of stuff and that stuff isn’t easy to talk about. If the conversation comes in that direction I would let it go there if you feel ready. Maybe talking about it in pieces can help too. Like don’t over load but just I didn’t have a good day type of thing and when he asks why tell him. You got this sounds like you’ve got your self an understanding boyfriend ♥️ Keep your head high!

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  • girls usually do that with me in like the first few hours of meeting them so I dunno xDDD

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  • If you love him and trust him. And if he truly loves you then open up to him.

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  • There's no reason to throw all of that onto his lap.

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  • You dont need to talk with him you should seek a psychiatrist

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  • When you trust them and feel comfortable to do so

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  • Its all in how you pick your self

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  • In my experience never tell them.

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    • My heart cries for you.

    • Show All
    • Hope find someone you can trust in the future.

    • @TongueInCheek thanks

  • I only trust anyone

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