Do you need to be happy with life to find love?

Everywhere I look for dating advice, they always say that if you're not happy by yourself, you can't properly love someone. Is this true? I'm not happy with my life right now, so does that mean I'm unlovable and I'm incapable of loving others?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's a trap. You start being happy with your (single) life and then all of a sudden you realize you're doing so great that you don't even need a partner. And before you know it, you become this awesome person who achieved so many things because you focused on everything but love. You become a God practically. The happiest person in the world. It's like realizing that Santa doesn't exist, there's no turning back. And people will be attracted to you that way, but you just won't care.
    I think in order to find love you must want it. You can't find something you're not searching for. You can be happy with your overall life, but there must always be an empty spot that aches for love and makes you a little depressed for not having it, in order to really appreciate it when it comes. In my opinion, if someone is 100% happy with their life even without love in it, chances that you will even want love are very low.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • The overlying message one can extrapolate from all of the comments is that it's definitely true if you're trying to find a female lover, but that it isn't true at all if you're trying to find a male lover. It sucks that only men have to force themselves to be happy no matter what to stand a chance of being loved by the opposite sex, but I guess that's just the way it is; some things'll never change.

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  • Its harder to find somebody when you are not happy and you are more likely to get used and taken advantage of by people who know you are in a position of weakness and easier to exploit. I also think its a bad idea since unhappy people attract abusers most of the time.

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  • It does not make you unlovable nor incapbale of love. However, whether you're happy with life seems to have a lot to do with your outlook on life. Some people have what psychologists say, "an internal locus of control" and others have an "external locus of control."

    The internal locus of control (ILOC) essentially is the idea that you have control over what happens in your life, and when grief or disaster strikes, you realize that you have control of the situation and can say, "I'm not going to let this get to me or bother me, or I'm going to take charge and resolve this."

    On the other hand, the external locus of control (ELOC) basically means the opposite. It is the idea that you do not have control over whatever happens in your life, and if shit happens, you may think things like, "Maybe I deserved this," "I can't do anything about this," and "It's so and so's fault that I feel this way." These, also, tend to be the same people that wake up in the morning thinking, "This is going to be a shitty day and I have no control over that," so then they turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy and subconsciously make it a shit day because of their outlook.

    So, maybe the old saying is more about your outlook on life and how that might spill over into your relationships. As in, "Oh, we have a problem. Well, guess we can't do anyting about it." (ELOC) Or, "Okay, so we have an issue. We have control over the problem. The problem doesn't own us, so let's work it out." (ILOC)

    Even so, it does not necessarily imply that anyone is unlovable or incapable or love. Just describes how our outlook on life spills over into relationships, whether romantic or not in context.

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  • It is simple as that.

    If you want to find happiness you will not find it cuz human are greedy.

    Love can bring happiness and happiness can bring love. Each of them.

    But the most important part is to understand what is the contract of love and relationship. What it means and what you need to give in and receive back as both genders.

    Relationship are messy process, tiring and need time to form, just like taking a piece of rock from a mountain and carving something like a statue out of it. It is not thr rock that make the status but the carving and ability to carve and patience.

    Last point: it takes a good sailor and a good ship to thrive through the rough sea of relationship. If one fails , both fails.

    But sadly the world is selfish and think just about me and me... that why love never happen between most teenagers.

    Helping someone is the most selfish thing, cuz the joy you get out of it is just not comparable.

    So I disagree with everyone that going to just "say" to people that you need to love urself, but instead give him and show him the reason.

    "You are what you do, not what you say"

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  • Yes, but only if you're not just looking for someone to fill up an emptyness inside you. In my opinion a romantic partner should be someone that adds something to your life you didn't even know you needed/wanted and someone you want to be an addition to.

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    • Exactly what I was gonna say. I'm happy, just... lonely...

    • @Cronoforge Great minds ;)
      If you're lonely, why not try to make some friends? join a club, do a workshop, go to a weekly gamenight.. stuff like that :) I joined a choir when I felt lonely (this was right after I graduated and wasn't able to find a job and all my friends were either working or still going to college) and it worked so well! not only did I make new friends, but my self-esteem got a enormous boost out of it too

    • I really should... I'm dumping all my time in to finish renovating my house that way I have it complete for when I meet someone. My ex said my house was "depressing" but she couldn't see the final product in her mind. Thanks for the input, I may try some of those.

  • I think we have to be happy with ourselves before we can be happy with somone else or in a relationship. I've found that when I was depressed or not emotionally stable at certain points, or if I had low selfesteem that I was no good in relationships. If Im not happy with myself, how can I expect to be able to make somone else truly happy? When I started respecting myself more, and doing the things in life I enjoyed no matter what other people thought, I became a better partner.

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    • Same experience and couldn't agree more.

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    • You have a very good point. I agree to that. But it can happen other way also. But at the end it all depends on the partner and how they treat you.

    • Yes it does. If your in a healthy relationship with someone who respects you, values you, and loves you, you will most likely be happy in life.

  • I can't explain it very well, but you attract what you believe you are/deserve. It's a subconscious thing. Of course you can experience feelings and love, but your attempt to be with that someone will be flawed, full of pain and problems, because of your own weaknesses. You have to love yourself first and then the other of course.

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  • Yes and no. You can be perfectly capable of loving someone else... But what if it fills that hole and you are over the moon never having been so happy and complete... and then it ends... you are setting yourself up for devastation. You simply can not rely on another person to make you happy. In the immortal words of Rupaul "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?".

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    • That's pop psychologizing nonsense. If you're completely happy, you'll have no desire to enter a relationship, since nothing could improve your life.

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    • Ah, yes, so there are ONLY TWO TYPES OF SITUATIONS! Of COURSE! How could I EVER be so STUPID as to think that anything other than the TWO EXTREMES could exist?

      And you have very blithely (and stupidly) ignored the plain fact that if you have ANYTHING AT ALL, you ALWAYS have something to lose.

    • @HereIbe what are you talking about? I gave my 2 experiences... I said what my advice is based on MY experiences. Will it apply to every case ever? Absolutely not. You would have to be an idiot to assume that. But it is a sound rule of thumb to live by and I stand by it no matter how you attack me. I don't know why you are being so rude and taking out your aggression on my opinion but I have just as much right to say what I think as you Do, and if someone takes my advice then it is their choice, clearly you don't agree with what I have said so why are you wasting so much energy attacking my point of view and saying its stupid, instead of stating and defending your own?

  • no that's not true. here's the thing, you need to love yourself. you need to know your boundary's so that men/women won't walk all over you. you need to pick yourself up if someone knocks you down. if you do not love yourself you can't be with someone else because all you will do is cause harm to them and bring them down. i'm not happy with my life, but i love myself, my boyfriend knows this and he makes me the happiest girl ever.

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  • I would say that’s somewhat true. I think you stand an increased chance of finding love if you are happy with life, as that positive outlook naturally attracts people towards. Also, being happy with life can increase confidence and mental and physical health.

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  • You need to be stable in order to love someone. Love gives you lots of good fibes. But what will happen is that your problems, or what it is that you are not happy with, will unconsciously ruin the relationship. When you love yourself its easier to keep a relationship sincr you are stable and therefor have less problems that can ruin the relationship.
    doesn't mean you aren't capable of love tho. As long as you dont depend on the relationship for your happiness.

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  • nah, that's BS. you usually notice the love people demonstrate to you better when it's during bad crysis of your life. but if you're talking about starting a romantic relationship, then yeah, going in full while still holding to emotional issues will sabotage that relationship, fast. good luck and take care.

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  • Not necessarily. I think the message it's trying to convey is that you can't put the pressure of your life's happiness on another person. That attitude of "if only I weren't single, I could finally be happy." A person can sense that desperation and they're more likely to flee because that's way too much pressure on a person you barely know.

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  • I do think it is indeed true that you need to be happy with yourself first to find love, because honestly majority of the time when i see someone who isn´t very happy with himself and his own life these people tend to be clingy and very needy and these relationships doesn´t tend to go anywhere, unless the person who wasn´t help with him/herself improves this aspect.

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  • It is not that unhappy people are unlovable but they settle for less because they are searching for happiness in their partner.

    The partner feels pressured to create that happiness and it becomes burden. Fixing your life is important before going into relationships. They way you interacts will be effortless

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  • Doesn't mean your un loveable I see it as, your going to love someone else but you can't love yourself 1st? When you don't love yourself first it's easier to be maniuplated and controlled so being strong in who you are before hand helps when that special person comes along (bc not everyone is good and even when u good everyone has a little dark side) it's easy to loose who you are or what you want to be

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    • What is the actual psychiatric evidence behind that crap of "you have to love yourself first"?

    • Look man try it out, I did it it's true to me at least or ask some higher knowledge person

  • I am not happy with my life because I am single lmao.. Does this mean I am screwed? I don't think so. Even if I live with war and terror everywhere, if I see the woman I want, I am wanting her just as much. Nothing can prevent you from finding love. Misery loves company, find someone who gets it, someone else with a similar struggle. You'll make a good team. So yeah, My opinion is that just isn't true. Don't believe a psychologist haha, they don't teach love in school. :P

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  • Its not true, but its a good start. I fell in love with my ex while i was depressed (1 year ago and we broke up 4 months ago due to some things). so yea you can

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  • No not really. I wasn't happy with myself at all and I hated myself. But when I found my girlfriend she was the one that brighten my day every day and made me love myself. And it's almost going to be our sec year and I'm IN LOVE WITH HER. So go out there girl and get someone who can love you and show you love!!

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  • I can answer that in two ways:

    1. No.
    2. HELL, no!

    I was certainly NOT happy with life when I embarked on my search for the woman who is now my wife. I was dissatisfied. I was a little lonely. I was not at all happy. I was functioning, but that was it.

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    • What is the actual psychiatric evidence behind that crap you just wrote?

  • Depends on what is your definition of happy. happy can mean different things to different people, for instance i am happy knowing i can do better the next day and how i can be more mature. it makes me feel happy when i act mature and makes my hubby feel proud of me... and no you don't need to be happy i would say most people are not happy with with their lives.

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  • no, I don't think you need to be "perfect" to find love. I was not perfect when I found my husband. No one is perfect ever, we all need to work on ourselves until we die. Those who think they are perfect are delusional.

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  • Thats a lie.

    Plenty of people find loving relationships though not fully self stable.

    Its just luck.

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  • Yes sometime its right but sometime may be not because loving yourself is best way to express the love to others and if you are unlovable so its on your hand how you see the world if you see the world as good then you are capable of loving others if you not see the world as good then you can't be love others.

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  • No. That does not mean you can't find love or for someone to love you back. Happiness comes from within. Finding love will only cure that aspect of your life. Other problems will continue to exist until you do something to solve them. Otherwise, eventually they'll affect your relationship. So the question should rather be "Do you need to be happy with life for a successful relationship?"

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  • No.

    You need to be happy in life to KEEP love.
    If you aren't happy without love, you'll kill love. Whether by starving it, or smothering it to death.

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  • No cause sometimes love is what you are missing and its what would make you happy so it wouldn't make sense if you have to find love to be happy but you can't be happy until you find love

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  • It's more of a cliche saying.

    It's just about being comfortable with yourself, you could not love yourself and find someone who loves you.

    Take dating with an open mind and see where it takes you. Meet people and get to know them.

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  • No it doesn't mean you can't find love :) But it means that if you bring another person close into your life when you're in a bad place yourself, you will, no matter if you want it or not , infect your relationship with negativism.
    I was in a relationship with a very depressed guy, and it made our relationship unbarable sometimes. But I did really love him, and I was prepeared to stay with him through all the bad times. It was him who broke up not me. So I, for instance wouldn't mind being with someone who is in a bad place :) It just makes things more difficult.
    You should be yourself anyhow, so don't try to hide how you feel in order to get love right now. If you won't get it now, you will later :)

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  • Its true. Don't bring your mess into someone else's life. No one can truly heal you. It all starts with you.

    If you're miserable now, you'll be miserable later with someone.

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  • You know something? I've never been in a relationship, but I have also been miserable my whole dating eligible life. I think there might be some truth to that.

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  • No, you can find love.. but to keep the relationship will be hard if your unhappiness leads to issues regarding your partner.. like jealousy, clinginess, temper tantrums etc.

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  • Not necessarily. Sometimes two miserable people can find each other.

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  • If you’re not good with or to yourself then there’s no use adding someone else into your life to love if you can’t even give the love you should, but aren’t giving to yourself

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  • No that's not what that means.. It means you don't need to rely a relationship or another person to make you happy.

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  • You do need to be happy with life (YOURSELF) to properly love someone. Let me give you myself as an example, I currently dating my boyfriend which I have lots of feelings for and I continue to develop more feelings for him. He wants things to go to fast (to another level), but my past (fear of love/deeply heartbroken) is holding my heart back. I wanted to tell him I love him but I feel so scared for some reasons. I can tell he "likes" me "a lot". But since I have so many stress from family and the past, I am afraid I will "lose" him and lose the chance of hearing him saying he loves me. We haven't said to each other that we love each other. I know it's confusing how I phrase it, but believe me you need to be cleared with yourself and happy with life (accept what life is) in order to feel your love for that person; and the love from that person to you.

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  • Yes you need to love ypurself first before you can learn to love the world. And before the world loves you back.

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  • Hm yeah.. It's hard to love someone who do not love themself.

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  • So not being happy with yourself does not make you unlovable and it does not make you incapable of loving others but it makes it so difficult it is hard to put all your effort into someone while you're falling apart yourself it also puts a strain on them because they have to not only deal with the relationship that they're in it they also have to deal with making sure that you're okay and then it puts a strain on them making them feel not okay and it isn't impossible it just makes it really hard and it puts unnecessary pressure on everybody and that typically breaks relationships up while it is not a deal-breaker it does make it difficult so I recommend finding your own happiness in life and being okay with yourself before trying to share that with other people. But to reiterate in no way are you un lovable

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  • No but it helps.

    No one has complete inner peace and happiness about their life , it’s more of always trying to be closer to that perfect state of mind. You can be decently happy with your life and find your soulmate as if you were upset.

    Don’t get me wrong , being in a positive state of mind with your life reflects in your behavior and presence which is what people want to surround themselves with than negative.

    So if you’re happy, girls notice and you seem more approachable/acceptable

    Not happy? More difficult attracting them and keeping them around

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  • No, happiness only comes sometimes , if we all waited for happiness then there wouldn't be any relationships lol

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  • Yes , it’s better to be whole and happy when you enter in a relationship the happier the person the happier the relationship will be

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  • Don't listen to dating advice bullshit. Find someone that makes you happy and treat them right.

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  • Tackle some of the "issues" first: why am I unhappy? Is this something I can actively change? If I cannot change the situation do I have the ability to change how I look at the sitiation (s)?

    By handling those Qs, you will bring less stress to a relationship. in my opinion, if I see a person trying to work on themselves that's a person worth being with and eventually loving.

    people shouldn't enjoy you just when things are going good in your life. However, when things get tough don't make it tougher on the other person by dwelling on the bad, not accepting help, not looking for the silver lining, only seeing the negative. These characteristics will push the most loving person away.

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  • There's s difference with being happy with life or being happy with yourself.
    Life often seems not fair or not going your way. That's life...
    But if you are happy with yourself whatever happens around you won't affect you as much cause being happy with yourself makes you more positive and better equipped to handle things.
    People who aren't happy with themselves can be more prone to have depressions and have a more general negative look on things cause they often experience the ups and downs in life more negatively.
    This will reflect in your relationship as well. If you are happy with yourself you are typically better equipped to have a more positive and more assertive view on things and can handle situations in a more positive way. You feel better and that projects upon whomever is near to you making things more relaxed and open.

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  • I think that you do not need to be happy in order to love someone but it is harder to find someone who will love you back if you are unhappy with life... unfortunately many will just see an unhappy person as a potential burden rather than appreciate the idea that they can bring that person happiness
    However when you are happy with life you do not really need anyone which is a big part of why so many relationships fail... if you think life as a single is good you are less inclined to make compromises and be accepting of another person in the long run

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  • I keep hearing that and I don't know how, because the way I feel I can't be happy without a woman to love

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  • For the most part you need to love yourself for someone to be able to love you. So I’d say yes

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  • Im in the dsame sisturation as you man and i feel the same i just bring myself down a lot more then you i bet.

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  • Yes it true in my opinion... first you need to be happy yourself. Then only you can keep ur partner happy.

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  • The better question is if you're unhappy with your life how do you make it better?

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