He lied about waiting for marriage to have sex?

Hi community,

I am feeling like the biggest idiot on earth. Like it is killing my soul.

Met a guy online, and just feel totally led on for three months straight.

He claimed he was a virgin and waiting for marriage until sex, which I was really drawn to being that I am currently abstaining myself - maybe I am not waiting until marriage per say, but I do not want to have sex until I am in a serious and committed relationship. ( I am not a virgin though.)

So, this was the pull for me. It is really hard to find people who have these values, and I actually felt extremely attracted to him - liked him a lot for this, and other reasons... and over the course of the three months, I fell in love, and actually began thinking he actually might be the one for me.

So - over the three months, some things were really good, but some other things weren't exactly perfect - he was pretty flakey everytime it was time for us to hang out in person. we did end up meeting and even that was like pulling teeth. I guess I made excuses for this, because other than this chemistry was great and I really came to like him a lot. He works overnight, and has a difficult schedule working 6 days a week, which is why i even engaged for so long and made excuses for the lack of time we were actually spending in time together.

We communicated everyday , and spent an enormous amount of time over the phone. Over the course of the three months,
He told me he loved me, and a lot of really intense things - that he was looking for something serious, also.
(continuing post in next section..)
Updates:
Come to find out, after three months of me NOT Putting out. He asks me if I am ready to be intimate?

.

I was like WHAT?

he then states he has been "thinking about having sex" and asks me " if i was ready to be intimate."

I said what? NO. that is not what i said i was looking for. I was very clear that I was looking for a life partner, and abstaining until I was in a serious relationship.

He says, well that is what he is looking for now. SEX.
and basically i think either I ended things, or we both agreed to end things If i was not going to put out?

I Was just totally speechless, and pissed off. but in the moment - i did not show it.

Initially when he told me, I tried to be understanding. thinking well okay, he is a virgin, and sexually frustrated and changed his mind within the three months. maybe he wants to do it with me, or whatever i don't know. but i just feel DECEIVED. i just dont think if you have spent your entire life r

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Most Helpful Guy

  • You have the right to feel that way cause he lied or changed his mind.
    I'm sorry that happened but you got a good lesson that took me 6 months to learn. Which is look for red flags and run when you see them.
    Kind of the same thing happened only I still have to see her sadly.
    It is so hard to find some one who has the same values, faith, and love language.
    I dated a girl who could not show affection and who did not like to get it yet she said that she did. Also she did not have the same values that she claimed. She had her own twisted ones that she tried to force on me and make me sound like a fool for not thinking how she did.
    It hurt me deeply but we had to break up after she got weird talking about getting married and having my kid. Four months latter I'm over her but she still puts herself in my path and I still see her at church constantly. In my young adults group she makes sure I can always see her and she sits across from me. She lies regularly about our relationship and scares all other girls away from me.

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  • Some people lie about their age. Some people lie about their height. Some people... *sigh*

    OK, you were deceived. And kept the guy on his toes for 3 months.

    Maybe it's easier to moderate one's expectations and just let things happen whichever way they do happen.

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    • what do you mean moderate ones expectations? meaning as in mine? I did try... but the man told me he loved me, that we should be together forever and I should never leave him... we spoke about children, he said he was looking for a life partner. how do I moderate my expectations when someone is professing all of this to me?

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    • he did say his other girlfriends got frustrated because he wouldn't have sex, and pushed him for it or something. I really dont know. its just so screwed. Im just irritated at my dumbness. and How i really let my guard down. I didn't sleep with him which is great, but its just why do people feel the need to do such intense things? if he wants sex there are so many easier ways to get sex. he could just download tinder. why string along a good girl for so many months? there's other girls who are probably way easier and dtf. so i mean, i dont understand. could he really not have any other options?

    • I don't know, sometimes it's more about the conquest and overcoming limits and bounds.
      Psychology isn't just for quacks.

  • You're going to be in a world of pain if you're really going to keep going through with this time after time. I understand that's your own ideals and you have your values, but guys waiting for the same situation to have sex are in the vast minority (not including cultures where this is the norm).

    I don't really want to ask, but why do YOU put so much emphasis on only having sex in serious, committed relationships?

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    • because those are my values, and that is what I WANT for myself!

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    • I just dont think its that easy to change your mind about something as serious as that so Suddenly and quickly! If he changed his mind great, but he was not THOUGHTFUL and mindful or sensitive in how he gave the information. he just gave me an out of nowhere ultimatum out of nowhere after claiming he was waiting for marriage! THAT IS ABSURD! -- regarding your second part of your response, yes. I personally was not waiting for marriage, and i discussed those concerns with him and told him - the same things. I said if we decided to get married we would need to try things out before hand. that was my viewpoint. He is the one who said he was waiting, and I WAS THE ONE who said OKAY - i dont mind to wait at all! I will wait for you! BUT NOW HE TOTALLY FLIPPED THE SWITCH OUT OF LEFT FIELD, and ITS REALLY NOT COOL

    • my viewpoint is SERIOUS COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP. his viewpoint: MARRIAGE. then DUMPS ME FOR NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM. SERIOUSLY

  • "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face."

    I think he meant what he said. But not being in a relationship for a while then being in one you get the feelings and urges. I understand why you feel that way, but things like that do happen.

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  • You're a good girl with good qualities that met and a hole in her life, move on and understand the experience, that love on the internet does not ends well 90% of the time

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  • Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.

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  • You're not an idiot. You acted on what you thought was true.

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  • As i see it you're just an hypocrite.

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  • yes u better for get it

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    • CONTINUING QUESTION FROM ABOVE:

      i just feel DECEIVED. i just dont think if you have spent your entire life really living with those values, you could change your mind so quickly?

      I feel this is probably what he wanted from the beginning, and just totally lied about it? Which really upsets me.

      What if i did sleep with him? I would be totally devastated?

      ITs been hard, because i really fell hard for him. i thought we shared the same values, i was so excited about it.

      I was calm initially, but today (about a week or so later) I became completely irrate and confronted him and sent a huge amount of angry texts - asking why he lied about something so serious?

      My question is, why would a person do something like this?
      Lie about waiting for marriage for sex? and then midway claim to have changed their mind?

      DO you think he changed his mind? (ALl of a sudden and magically after living this way for 26 years?) or he was just lying to get sex from me?
      What do you think?

      I feel

  • You married him because he was virgin, not for personality or anything? He obviously is a douche, but your priorities are fucked

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    • i dont think you read my post - we are not married. I liked him for a variety of reasons, and one of the biggest ones were what I believed his values to be towards sex?

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    • You judge people on their view of sex. Not on things they, views on sex. You're shallow

    • again what are you even talking about - PLEASE POST the moment where i judged someone on their view on sex. ---- THE ISSUE IS LYING ABOUT YOUR VIEWS. THAT IS THE PROBLEM. THE LIES. you again, are misinformed please backup your statement with facts.

  • He probably played the long con and wanted tk put in half the effort. Best thing to do is find another guy who will actually want to spend time and is not like pulling teeth.

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