My parents don’t approve of the man I’ve chosen to date... I don’t see an issue. are they being too judgmental?

I’m 23. I just started seeing a guy who is 34, move here from a Spanish country years ago, and he’s recently divorced with a 2 year old kid. When we first met, I had felt nothing like it. I am SO interested in this man and happy. I love talking to him, I love his face, his personality, etc. I have had such bad experiences with guys, nothing has ever worked or felt good. Something was always off. Then I just met this guy and it was just fire. He felt it too, and told some of his family. My mom is super mad about it and is like what do you see in him? You have nothing in common since he’s 34. I’m upset because I haven’t felt like this ever. Our their concerns legit?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • They can't get past that there's an age gap... in their mind, they prolly can't get past that when you were a minor he had a wife or was a potential predator.

    Age really shouldn't matter, yes there's an 11 age gap, but if you click... it just means ur souls are connected, so what does the material world/body have anything to do with it?
    As long as he can make u sexually happy still, and he's healthy, and he can start up a family with u too... I don't see a problem.
    Sometimes families care for us too much that they end up ruining something good for their kids just because of convention or tradition.
    Don't let go of him, tell him the problem and hopefully u two can work it out. If they don't come around to it, then do what u think is right and let them catch up to u later.
    They'll soon come around when they see how great he treats you. They are also prolly just worried about the first wife and the kid... which does tend to complicate things (they are right about that). But seems like he wants nothing to do with her, and he still wants to be involved in the kids life so that just seems like he's a great father tbh.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well there isn't enough information.

    1 - Why did he get a divorce? Your parents probably are concerned because they see divorce as "he must not be very good" so they might be protecting you

    2 - What's the relationship with the ex wife?

    3 - What does he want from you?(as in-- casual relationship or something serious)

    4 - Did your parents meet him? it holds more weight in what they say if they already got to know him a little bit.

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    • 1- his wife cheated on him. He tried to make it work but she kept cheating on him bc she is crap

      2- he only sees her to exchange the kid. She has him 5 days a week.

      3- he wants something serious

      4- they have not met him or even seen pictures or know anything about him otherwise

    • In that case, its very likely that they are being judgmental. Might soften up when they meet him

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • Who gives a shit? Date who you want.

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  • My best relationship that I wish I could get back was with a bit younger women. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 24. We didn't break up because the relationship went sour. I got locked up for a stint... The last young women that I was in a relationship was 24 and I was 32, last year. We seen each other at least twice a week for 3 months. Then her father hurt himself, so she moved back to Texas to help him... It is extremely normal for young women to be attracted to moderately-older men. Almost every man will tell you that turning 30 is a huge milestone for us. We party less, focusing more on a career, family, financial-security... The average 20-something year old "might" have a job, probably drives a junker, and probably has roommates. But by the time that same young-man turns 30-35, he could very possibly be profitably self-employed, own a house or at least has his own apartment, drive a $50k truck, be able to afford to take her places. We are often more mentally mature, and emotionally stable... Women want security. The average 30yo is more stabe than the average 20yo.

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  • If he moved away from the mother, then he is doing that child the kind of disservice which screws them up mentally for life.

    Your parents are right. His priorities are wrong.

    Instead of being selfish, he should be looking after his child's needs better

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    • I used to think the same until my mom asked me what do you thi nk is worse, parents that separate or parents that don't love/trust each other and are fighting all the time.

      That kind off opened my eyes, fighting parents are worse to a child than them being separate and living different lives.

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    • Oh then tell your mother to stop being so judgmental. Especially if she's Christian that kind of hypocrisy means she'll go to hell if she doesn't change her attitude

    • Hahaha yeah I spose so. But yeah super judgmental. I was surprised since she normally isn’t. She does she says Christian as well so 🤷‍♀️

  • Yes they are... they see what you don't... you should only be dating someone 10 years older if he's got money... and not grape picking or lawn mowing money... he's thrilled because he's got some young pussy to stab but your parents see him for what he is...

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    • Lol, sounds like the bitter truth though.

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    • I never even mentioned his money situation. You’re Disgusting.

    • No you and your baby daddy are disgusting

  • Yes, just because he has a kid does not make him a man. Consider the aspect that he is 10yrs older than you and his ex wife was probably around his age. Who knows, he may be saying stories about him being the good guy, but people will say anything for others to follow and accept them.
    Be careful with who you trust because even the best people in life can have the worst intentions and actions.

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  • Perhaps they do have the best intentions for you but good intentions do not make them correct. This is your choice so just think of their disapproval as telling you to think it over carefully before making the choice. If you disagree with your parents, you don't have an obligation to listen to them; you're an adult so you make your own choices.

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  • -Are you ready to be a stepmother?
    -Are you read to deal with his ex-wife?
    -Are you ready to sacrifice certain freedom to be with this guy?
    -Are you ready to settle down?
    -Are you ready to accept that you will be second to the kid and not his number one priority?

    If your answer is yes to all of the above. They your mother concerns are not valid.

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  • I would talk to your mother more about why she doesn’t like him and try to get the two of them together to see if she can accept him after getting to know him better. The way I see it, either your mother is judging this guy too quick, or she has valid concerns but you’re blinded by infatuation so you can’t see them, and I think the only way you’ll see things clearly is if you do what I mentioned above.

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  • That he has 2 kids should be a red flag. If you choose a life with him, you are also choosing a life with his ex-wife.

    If you are not ready to immediately be a mother to his kids (doesn't matter who has custody), then you should find someone else.

    If all that baggage is fine with you, then fine. But don't complain about it in 5 years.

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    • He has one kid. He is 2 years old.

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    • I’m not competing with a kid. I just dont view it that way. He’d love us in different ways. He sees his child 2 days a week. I just don’t really see an issue.

    • Then your parents are right. You are VERY naive. You are not going into this with your eyes open.

      And what about the ex?

  • From my experience, it is best to completely ignore your family's input when it comes to relationships. Although my siblings would have been better off if they had listened to me...

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  • Listen... your parents are not going to tell you if u can date him or not they are being to quick to judge... you are the one that makes that decision you r grown. you don't let them do that to u.. . yeah they can give u opinions and what they think bug they can't separate y'all to either..

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  • The main thing in this that makes me see where your parents are coming from isn’t the age gap, but rather the maturity gap; he is a grown man, with a child and an ex wife, whereas you are a young adult just starting to become your own person. The thing that always comes to mind for me when I hear about couples with large age gaps is “what does the older person want out of a relationship with someone so young?”
    If you ask yourself that question objectively, you may begin to understand how they feel. Also, as others have stated in comments, there’s the obvious concern of him already having a child; your parents are probably wondering if you are truly ready to be a parent, even if it would just make you a step mom. That is a huge step, and they don’t want to see you jump into something you’re not ready for.
    Another issue that may concern your parents is a possible cultural gap; they may be worried about traditions and ways of thinking that they are not familiar with.

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    • All this being said, I do believe that if you truly have feelings for him, you should stick it out, and your parents will come around eventually, especially if they meet him. But BE CAREFUL; you might learn something about him that is harmful to you

  • Most parent worries for their kid in every aspect of their kid's life. You are a grown woman who is free to make her own decisions despite of their feelings and reactions. You have to live with your choice, not them. Live your life for you, not them

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  • Well i would be concerned about the kids part and the age but its not your parents life its your own and if your happy and in love with the man you chose then if i were you i would 100% go for it

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  • Your mom probably has pretty bad critical thinking skills. Age doesn't reflect what people have in common. That makes no sense to me.

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  • From just the straight facts you're relayed about this guy, I'd say he's unreliable and poor dating material. You can't expect someone divorced with a small child to commit to you; he didn't do it last time. The only good thing I see about him is your feelings about him. Keep in mind that you're probably in love, and that being in love tends to blind you to the person's weaknesses. Overall, I'd advise extreme caution. If there's some special reason why you can expect him to act better with you, then this stuff shouldn't be a deal-breaker, but I'm skeptical.

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  • It' a bit risky realtionship when one side is in early 20s and the other is in their 30s. But if you enjoy each other's company and feel comfortable, then don't give a crap about what others say.

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  • They're just being parents. No one is good enough for their kids Until they allow themselves to warm up to your partner.

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  • Usually they are experienced in relations. So they do stuff, by only thinking about you, and your future. And unfortunately most of the time they win. Because they are right. If you can prove the opposite, then you win

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  • Yes it's your life u should choose not your parents cause they have already live their time and now it's your time

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  • Sometimes age isn't a big issue. Maybe just tell your mom the way you feel about him. My best friend's mom is 15 years younger than her fiance.

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  • Do not go so fast... it's good that u finally meet a man that u like... keep it going date with him a few times more get to know him more.. sometimes u become so excited and happy that u ignore many things.. your parents concern about u.. it's natural and yes they not want u in pain... they love u too... so think rationally and think why they stopping u? They may be thinking of the kid and how u handle that kid... the guy seeing u.. what he want from you? How serious he is about u? So many things... the phase of ur relationship is called honeymoon phase where everything is lovely and wonderful.. secondly u had a bad experience in past so do not rush in everything.. be careful and analyze everything.. I suggest to understand what ur parents thinking and how u proceed in your relationship...

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  • You're 23. Its your life so do as hou please. I will say though to be careful, know where you stand with this man and know what you both are wanting in the long run. Good luck.

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  • Age is a number. Saying that someone young has nothing in common with someone 10 years older than them is complete bullshit.

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  • Being your parents they're concern is justified but you're of age so do what makes you happy

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  • 11years is a bit on the large side plus the responsibility you would have caring for someone else's child.

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  • Honestly I'd listen more to my friends than to my parents when it comes to this.

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  • Their concerns are legit. You'd be much better off finding a single guy closer to your age who is not a father already.

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  • In my opinion maybe he has a kid, he's 34 and that's why your parents ain't approved him..

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  • You are 23 for fuck sake... Decide for yourself, don't let parents tell you what to do whole life.

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  • If you are happy and he makes you happy it doesn't matter what they think

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  • I think age is just a number. And life is short so I'd do what makes me happy😄😃😁

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  • People are always judgmental , some are often biased towards certain people based on looks , quite an unfair concepts I must admit , but it can't be helped people's first impressions do stick however you can still change how people think aba you but proving yourself , whether that's appearance wise or even based on personality as long as you show that you are talking in their opinion and they see you making an effort to probe yourself worthy their parents can't hate you , and if they do still that's just unlucky not all people can be liked. It's not saying you aren't meant to be so don't let them stop you show them that you guys are made for each other and never let them get in your way

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  • Ehh that's a hard question. But I would really stick with my parents if I was in your place because at the end of they day they know more than you. And the feeling you are talking about is common and you can feel it with anyone else but you just haven't found the right guy. I dont think he is the right one for you! He's too old for you and had a kid and you are a young girl and you need to live life. Like come on when are you guys going to get married? It just looks bad but it's your choice. Know there is a lot and plenty of better guys out there. And in my opinion he is not the one!

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  • Hmm. I’m conflicted here.

    I felt similar with my first boyfriend. I was so attracted, we were draw together. My parents weren’t negative but they were going through a divorce. My dad was negative when he regained focus. His parents liked me.

    Long story short he turned out to be a paedophile.

    I can understand why your parents are pessimistic. But I think you also need to be more focused why you like him more than “on fire”. Your parents want more than physical attraction and neither of you are proving much connection otherwise.

    How long have you been together out of interest?

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  • I think that they probably don't like that he has kids. This would usually mean that he doesn't want anymore and your parents may want grandbaby's

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  • I'd be more worried about the recent divorce. Major strike against. There may be something flakes that you haven't seen yet.

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    • What’s your reason for why’d

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    • Timing. Just moved here, and recently divorced. Why? I'd let the dust settle in his life.

    • And you might not be seeing clearly. Just for one example, there's this old movie "Better Off Dead." Hilarious. And there this french girl in it that always got they guys talking. But it was all an act, and when we saw her in other roles there was no magic. It was all because she seemed foreign and mysterious I guess. Perhaps your cure might be to go live in Mexico for 6 months, surrounded by people of the same culture... might help you see things differently. All a guess if course.

  • Knowledge comes with age n experience. N parents always wish good for their children. So u should listen to ur parents n at least see what happens.

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  • I can understand your parents but you are a grown up so you can make your own decisions and if he makes you happy our parents need to accept it

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  • Yes because he was divorced and he is a 11 years older but what do I know my mom is 41 my step dad 30

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  • I don't think it's the age difference that your parents have a problem with. 10 years it's not an uncommon difference (at least in my country). It's the kids part that makes it difficult for them to accept. One good argument you could possibly use to solve this problem is following. Tell them, "What if I was the one who had a kid from a past relationship and then you saw most men I met after that rejecting me because I would be a single mom?" "In that case you as parents would say that I need a man to accept me as a single mom... Well, now I am the one who needs to do the accepting for a single dad..."

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    • I actually haven’t told them about the kid yet... imagine their reaction to that!

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    • Yeah I totally agree! And I see so many people dating and marrying others that much older than them. I just feel like they’re being close minded.

    • Yeah... I mean I can't tell if your parents are close minded because it would be ignorant to say something like that since I don't know them. But... the fact that 10 years of age difference is nothing is certain. My grandparents had a difference of 12 years!!! and they met during the German occupation of Greece in WW2 (my grandpa was in the resistance and the father of my grandmother used to hide him in the cellar of their house!!! :P). If back then it was so normal to have such an age difference why now it considered a problem?

  • Well, having not felt the emotional connection you have with him, they only see his circumstances, which admittedly doesn't seem so good. If it's a matter of them knowing little about him besides a few bad things, then their concerns may not be fully justified, but if you've had many long conversations with them about this and they still insist that he's bad for you despite knowing how he makes you feel, then you may want to reconsider things. Trust mw, emotions can blind you, it's happened to me many times.

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  • Yes, their concerns ARE legit. He's recently divorced, and has a kid. He's 34 and you're 23 - 11 year old age difference. He's from a Spanish country where he came from years ago, and you're 5 years out of high school. You said yourself you've had bad experiences with guys. What makes him so much different/better than the other guys you were with? This fool you like is just as clueless as you, for a person his age. Or he just doesn't care. So, yes - I can see why your parents are upset with you. You may be happy with him now, but that won't likely last long. Why did he get divorced? That's a BIG red flag to you - or should be.

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  • They only care for you. Have them meet the guy sso they could changed their minds

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  • Your 23 fuck them unless your into money and they have a lot. Grow up.

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  • Just do what makes you feel happy and dont listen to people in the end its your choice

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  • Parents are usually pretty good judges of character, they have been around longer and seen all types

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  • Yeah... go for it.

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  • You're old enough to decide

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  • You're a grown woman.

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