How can I be less intimidating to men?

I had an abusive childhood and was also raised militaristically, so I am unintentionally a cold, distant and aloof individual as second nature. It’s a working progress. Now that I am out of that environment and been taught how to be human, those traits have been tamed slightly but now I am also a dominant, prideful, straightforward and short tempered person. It’s like fire and ice. Those traits have strengthened when I have let men into my heart and they tried to break me in the past. This has been a barrier for me against the dating world because I scare men off with my no nonsense attitude, fire and aloofness. I can’t banter and cracking a smile or even chuckling takes tremendous effort. I feel like a failure of a woman when I see other women laugh, flirt or smile effortlessly while bantering with their dates. All my life I was taught to be a warrior and a leader, not to focus on seemingly trivial things such as friendship and God forbid, romance. Now I’m worried that it’s too late in my nature to at least soften it to make me approachable and warm enough for me not to terrify men. Even though I had experienced bad men, I am still willing to love again despite being wary.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • Well you don't have to worry about age here in my opinion (especially if the age on your profile is accurate). A pretty good way to find hidden emotion in oneself is to watch movies. I highly recommend the sillies and dumbest of comedies, and the sapiest of drama and romance films. Also try to hang with friends you have that might be a little odd at times. Humans tend to share traits with one another pretty hard when around the same people a lot. Also play video games try and act like a kid from time to time. Don't try talking like a kid though just do silly things like getting hyped over something you enjoy a little bit.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Honey there’s nothing wrong with you. I’m the same exact fucking way. I was born in a small town in Ireland where we were encouraged and raised to embrace honor, our Celtic, fighter heritage, etc. Nowadays I’m withheld, intense, and straight forward. And I’m with someone who loves me for all those reasons. If a man can’t handle you or is scared off: he’s not a man. A real man wants an equal, not an arm piece. Stay who you are, and a real man will find his way to you one day.

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    • At last, somebody I can relate to! Thank you for giving me hope that someone can love me for exactly who I am. It is not like I am masculine or anything, it is just the environment I was brought up and was taught how to be human in a very, very short amount of time. I love feminine things, have my little own obsessions and so forth. I know how to be a woman. I just don’t know how to be approachable to men. I don’t lack social skills; I lack dating/romantic skills.

    • Trust me, I feel you. Except I’m not very feminine. I have my moments - but that’s only after you’ve known me for a long time. I’m very gruff, blunt, and short fused. But then I got into the dating scene and as long as you focus on the right places to find people and meet people who go well with you, then you’d be surprised at how many people, even men, find that attractive. I’m a bisexual, raging nerd so it may be a tad easier on me; but trust me, you’ll find someone boo.

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What Girls & Guys Said

323
  • Well, you can either find a super submissive man who is into that, or consider psychotherapy. I’m not saying that to be dramatic, but therapy based on addressing life experiences has been the best aid for myself when addressing my behaviour.

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  • Judging from what you've said here, I'd say that you are damaged goods and a lost cause. At age 20, you can never change. However, your "dominant, prideful, straightforward and short tempered" personality would probably go over great with a submissive guy who gets off on being abused. That's your only hope for a lasting relationship. Just go with it...

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    • @BeesNectar At 20 years of age, it's very hard to change basic personality traits that have been established and reinforced since childhood. Maybe it's possible, but not very likely...

    • Nice reply! I can see that you're well on your way to self improvement! Some things will never change, including your basic personality traits.

  • Honestly, smile, use verbal language, make eye contact but also look away (it makes you seem demure). For some men girly things help, for example how supergirl eats in the tv show. Also making slight physical contact can help a lot. The light hand on sholder thing is a long standing technique.

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  • Look for "David Snyder" on YouTube. It'll all change.
    My girlfriend is EXTREMELY intimidating. After 6 months of being best friends, I was still intimidated by her (I never felt that with anyone).
    I overcame that watching his videos. Then she stopped being so intimidating to everyone watching the same videos

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  • Honestly that's a huge disadvantage cold and distant are the opposite of the traits a woman should have especially when women biologically are supposed to care for infants.

    I don't know what else you can do except develop new neurology to counteract what you have now. Keep fighting against yourself until you have the ability to smile and be friendly. Being cold is terrible for social navigation in the world.

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  • Bigger men are less intimidated. If someone has a problem with you being forward or outspoken then they need to feel domant to feel special. This is never a healthy dynamic to get involved in. Just be dominant. You'd be surprised how eaisily it is to make a relationship with a shy man that complements your personality. If they look away get nervous and can't form a sentance you could pretty much do anything you want to him and he'll like it.

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  • My opinion, first you should love and accept yourself (maybe you already do)... Accept your feminine attractiveness... Then you will understand you are approachable for men.

    First step would be just to smile to yourself, to like smiling... And admitting that smile does not show you 'weaknesses'... Only open the door for better communication.

    Well if you like I can think about smth more... :)

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  • Thanks for trying to be better. We are in a world where we preach love yourself, you don't need to change, if someone can't deal with you now, they don't deserve you later. We don't live in vacuum and we need to be considerate of the next person. What I would say is be tolerant. Don't fire up too easily, you would be surprised at the opportunities tolerance can present. So far as you keep trying you will get results.

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  • The most I can say is be honest with people and that harsh personality can be understood. Don't try to change yourself directly it will happen naturally as you find yourself more comfortable with someone.

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  • I’m sorry you were raised that way, it’s never to late to change, I think there are people who can help and want to help, I have a therapist and that really helps me. I also think that it’s important that you date someone who understands your mental state and wants to help, it intimidates them because they it comes across as “I don’t like you” which is why you need to make sure they know why you act in this way. There are plenty of good guys out there who would love you

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  • Although rare, there are guys who prefer cold hard bitches. Just thought you'd like to know. There's nothing wrong with those guys either. Change or no change up to you.

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  • Instead of being dominant, cultivate being willing to listen and be considerate of others.
    Instead of being prideful, cultivate humility and respect for others.
    Instead of being brutally straightforward, cultivate tact.
    Instead of a ready temper, cultivate patience and self control.
    Learn to put yourself in the position of the victims of the short temper, arrogance, pride, and lack of sensitivity. Would you like to be treated like this by anyone?

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  • U can try adopting a pet animal.
    Try bonding with ur dog.
    U can try the same with humans too... bcz we too are social animals.
    Try smiling more often.
    There's something called smile meditation. Just sit down for 5mins smiling nd record urself.
    It's a little awkward but i assure u it'll work. Make ur way to an if u can nd don't forget to record nd watch ur facial expressions.
    Keep smiling. Have a heart of compassion. Be the bigger person.

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    • Well, I own a cat and I have no problems being all lovey dovey towards her.

  • Sorry but I only read the title and have to beg you: dont try be less anything for men. The real man won't think you are intimidating. He will love you because he thinks you are strong

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  • Everybody has a partner in this world.

    For some it takes a short time to find said partner, for others it takes longer.

    Rest assured, one day, you will find a man that will love and cherish you to the fullest that you deserve.

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  • You... intimidating... BWHAHAHAHA!

    No seriously, you don't intimidate men. It's all in your head! Just don't pick the beta, pussy Soy Boys and choose men who can keep their pimp hand strong!

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  • You don't sound intimidating, but rather a bit unfriendly.
    If you keep a wall up, nobody is going to get through to you.

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  • You aren't intimidating. The men saying you are are being too sensitive and fragile.

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  • let them know straight off the bat, that you're not the nicest person, if they don't care then great. If they do, fuck em.

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  • I understand, now no matter what you do the moment you drop that military shit when you meet someone is the moment you make a bad choice in something

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  • Have your first date at McDonald's and start a mcfood fight

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  • Look at the other person's view point, and think of it in a way of how do you want to be dealt with.

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  • Believe it or not some of us like a take charge kind of lady

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  • you are cute and trust me I don't say it to everygirl...

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  • just listen...

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