Is it true you need to love yourself before you can be with someone else?

I’ve never been in a relationship before and I’m currently working on trying to love myself but I was just wondering if you have to love yourself before you can love someone else?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Hmm, I think it depends on what you don't love about yourself. Also depends on the guy you are with. I think that generalization comes from the fact that people think "Oh, nobody wants to deal with all your insecurities while you're dating, blah blah blah" and though it may be true, it depends. Here's my example. I love my life, I love who I am and the things I do. I'm proud of myself, the way I dress, etc. However, I do feel insecure pretty often (Perhaps a physical trait, or something that's pretty minor). It doesn't impact my life in a major way though, it's just kind of there. The guy I'm talking to right now (though we are not dating) I feel like he can deal with my insecurities, and he knows how to make me feel more confident in myself. Keep in mind, I don't have gigantic life changing securities. Nor do I make him reassure me every second of the day. I feel like these are the ones that cause many people problems. The small ones are the types of insecurities that people think are adorable. Many guys love to reassure girls and help them see what they see, and that's great, but I don't think anyone would appreciate a girl who was always insecure. That's annoying. Everyone has insecurities, but as long as it's not stopping you from being the person you wanna be, then I feel like it's manageable, and will not get in the way of your relationships :) Hope that helps! There is a subtle art to loving yourself, I recommend you read "The subtle art of not giving a f*ck" it really helped me and I've only read half the book so far! Loving yourself doesn't mean forcing yourself, it means you've reached the point you can accept yourself and be yourself in a carefree kind of way! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBUOrsz3aRA

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Most Helpful Guy

  • If you do not love yourself, you will expect to get self-worth from your relationship. That puts an unrealistic burden on your partner.

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • It helps, otherwise you are likely to be too needy and clingy with your partner.

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  • No. I met my current boyfriend two weeks after running away from (literally left in the middle of the night, walked to the next town over and never saw or spoke to him again) an extremely absuive relationship. I did not love myself at all, I didn’t feel worth anything, I dropped out of college, quit my job and hated the universe. It did not stop immediately when I met the guy I’m dating now. I still really hate myself some days, and even 8 months after leaving that relationship I still have a lot of learned behaviors to get over. I’m sure some of those are very hard on my boyfriend. Constant need for reassurance, and feeling like I need to micromanage myself and never make any mistakes towards him for fear of leaving. Those are all MY issues tho, and don’t stem from anything he is doing. If anything he works overtime to try and convince me he loves me and isn’t going to leave me over forgetting to buy milk, or blocking his car in. He is 100% the calm after the storm for me. Even if I don’t always love myself, I love him to know end for putting up with my healing process, and listening without judgment when I talk about it, giving me advice, and mostly not pushing the subject aside if it’s uncomfort for him.

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  • Yes and no. As humans, we tend to have complex, love-hate relationships with ourselves and others. It's not so simple, because you may be focused on the ways in which you hate yourself, but not as aware of those ways in which you love yourself, or vice-versa; it all depends. Your own perception is sometimes the least trustworthy thing in your life.
    I think it’s more helpful to just focus on love. Loving others, loving yourself; just the feeling of love, really. When you feel love, you're loving both yourself and others. When you feel disdain, anxiety, upset, you're not, or you may be actively disliking yourself and others. It's true that how you feel about yourself colors how you feel about others, and how you feel about others colors how you feel about yourself. You see yourself and others with the same mind, be it a loving one or a hating one, or a vacillating one.
    Just love. When you turn the light on, everyone in the room lights up. Not just you, or just them. We're all capable of love, whether we're in the habit of loving or hating ourselves or others.

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  • I think to an extent, yes. You don't have to be fully there yet, I think most people struggle from time to time with self-confidence and self-love, but I do think it's best to be sort of... "at peace" with yourself before you get into a relationship, you know? Because if you don't love yourself, you're more likely to continuously question why everyone around you loves you, or wonder if they're lying about it. That's definitely something that will seep into the relationship at some point. It's harder to believe that someone loves you when you can't see why you're worthy of it. In return, that puts a lot of pressure on your partner, because they might feel like you're not taking them seriously or trusting them enough. I feel like a lot of insecure people also get into the relationship almost only because of the potential validation they can get from it, which is not healthy and certainly not fair to the person they're with. Being with someone who doesn't love themselves is like a constant uphill battle. I've seen quite a lot of relationships destroyed because the self-loathing one in the relationship would constantly try to pick fights about stupid things, because they need constant reassurance but at the same time do everything in their power to reject it. It's quite a vicious circle.
    Working on yourself and your confidence is therefore definitely important before getting into a relationship. Like I said, you don't have to be perfect or feel like the most confident person in the world, everyone is at least a little insecure to some extent, and it comes and goes in waves. But letting someone love you for you is definitely a part of loving yourself, and that's the most important part that has to be complete before getting into a relationship.

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  • I believe so. If you don't love yourself, you'll not know your own worth. So you're more likely to just settle for anyone, and tolerate being mistreated because you'll believe that's all you're worthy of.

    Loving yourself means you won't accept less than you know you deserve. And that you'll walk away from anyone who doesn't treat you with respect.

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  • I find that if you don't love yourself enough, you become dependent on the approval of others. So yeah, I think it's important to love yourself. Because in the worst case scenerio, sometimes you need to walk away from a bad relationship. But it's hard to walk away when you feel that only their love is valuable and forget to consider your own love for yourself.

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  • No, you *can* love someone else even if you don't love yourself.
    However not loving yourself is bad for the relationship and it's hard to make it work if you can't love yourself.
    And long term it's hard for others to love you if you can find it in yourself to love yourself (hard does *not* equal impossible though, mind you)

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  • You cannot work on loving yourself. If you are messed up or lacking in confidence you need help to achieve that state, a qualified therapist can help you, you cannot do it on your own. You are too biased and lack the skills. http://www.webclairvoyant.com

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  • Very true because it leaves you open to all sorts of bad people.. someone of no self worth will seek out love from someone unsuitable..
    Someone who loves themselves very much will know their worth and avoid bad people..

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  • Trying to love yourself? What it means for you?

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  • I think you need to be emotionally stable before you love someone else, otherwise, there's a good chance you'll lean on that other person to be your emotional crutch, which is going to be very hard for that other person to bear. That's not to say they can't be your crutch from time to time, everyone has bad days, but if it's frequent or constant, I think it's damaging.

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  • I think tjats the right way to go, BUT u can not love ur self and love someone else. But you will find ur self putting them b4 u all the time and forgetting to take care or ur self. Thats why people say to love ur self first and then, once u get urself together, u can love others.

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  • It’s not like relationships won’t be happening but they can be really bad if they do, depending on your self love you get your self esteem and respect and that’s how you measure what you can and can’t take, someone with no self love can get in an abusive relationship. However, always work in yourself first, you’ll be a better partner and have a healthy relationship, you’ll radiate good energy and get good things back!

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  • No it isn't true. It makes things easier if you are happy alone / like who you are. If you lack self-esteem men will take advantage of you.
    Sometimes the you that you love is who you are with the other person. People can challenge you to be more and to do better.

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  • love yourself in the sense that you are secure in who you are... yes.

    it is really really hard to have a happy and successful relationship if a person is overly insecure about yourself

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  • I don't really need to, but it's recommended. Highly actually. Because if the person u decide u love and are dating leaves suddenly it can be a heavy blow and something u might not recover from if u don't have self worth and self love first. I hope that helps as someone who is like this myself I don't mind talking to u about this. But that's up to u

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  • Yes, that is how you learn to truly love. That is how you give and get the best love is when you love your self. You can't expect someone else to love someone that you hate or kinda lukewarm about. The more you love yourself the less likely you are to put up with someone who mistreats you and the less likely you are to mistreat someone else.

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  • Yes. You need to understand yourself before anyone else can. If you don't know what you want for yourself or have any standards then you have nothing to hold your partner to. If you don't treat yourself right then you can't expect them to either. Love yourself enough to where you can correct them if they aren't treating you right. They have to love you at least as much as you love you. You have to know where that line is.

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  • Loving yourself helps in bringing confidence you feel good about yourself and it helps in know what you love or like so the relationship you end up into wouldn't waste time & enegy or the things are clear.

    Ps. Find someone with same niche it helps to talk about what you love or else it will be i love to talk about tech & she likes something else. Good luck :)

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  • Load of crap. Just a popular cliche, if you ask me. Do you love your family? Do you love your friends? Yes. Yes. What is true, however, is you sure are a lot better at giving and receiving love when you have self respect. In this silly phrase, "love" is not as much a feeling but more about how you treat yourself. If you treat yourself like crap you will allow others to treat you like crap including those you love. I hope this helps!

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  • Nope. There is a psychological myth going around that you have to love yourself before someone else can love you. The real truth is that many people learn to love themselves by first being loved by another. Appropriate affection from another person may be the magic touch you need to actually believe that you are loveable.

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  • Nah, there's nowhere its written that loving yourself is a prerequisite for a relationship. That being said, if you depend on someone else to make you feel happy then you might not have the most fulfilling relationship if your partner sucks at fulfilling your needs. Then again, if you're not with a partner that makes you feel happy, then should you be with that person in the first place? 🤔

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  • If you can be happy with yourself then it's more of a security. I'm just like you. I'm trying to love myself, but I love others too much. I help people because it helps me avoid my problems. I place my happiness in people, so when they leave; what happens? I fall back into hating myself and sink into a hole.

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  • well if you can't love who you are flaws and all then no one else will. So yeah you do need to love who you are. Does that mean you can't change no everyone can change if they want but you do need to love who you are.

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  • definitely yes, you dont need to love yourself to the point of being a narcisist but if you dont like who you are you will always be looking for validation from your partner and that will wear them down

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    • ps: I was really insecure in my teen years and that made it unconmfortable to even aproach girls so you can see that this is an issue from the get go

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    • @PrivateJim just accept the fact you can't change everything about yourself. You can improve certain things like your physique by working out but you can't change who you are, i hope this makes it clearer

    • Yeah that definitely makes sense. I think I'm just a bit lost within myself right now if that makes sense

  • Yes, it is completely true. You can have a relationship but it has a greater chance of failure, but sometimes if they are a really special person they can help you learn to love yourself.

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  • No unconditional love exists. But you need to grow too what nobody knows since we are not aware of it that we do. But we do. I think to many marry to soon but if you do not marry soon for the money you have to wait long in our society. :)

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  • You can fall in love at any time, but your relationship is going to be much better if you and your partner are happy with yourselves. You won't rely on them to feel good about yourself, no one likes a partner who constantly needs validation

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  • In my opinion i think that yes yes and yes if you love someone shouldn't you ve giving them the best version of yourself and thats where it comes to be the best version of yourself you must like or love that version feel great and satisfied with the person you are

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  • It's rather important that you at least like yourself. Generally when you start developing feelings for someone you start to share yourself more and more. If you already have your love for yourself it makes it easier to share it with others. It also makes it easy to stay relatively together if a break up happens. Living yourself first ensures you won't define your love by the person you're loving. If that makes sense.

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  • Yes, very true. Which is why i don`t want to be with anyone. Subconsciously i want to be unhappy because i hate myself. A lot. Altough there is someone who always makes me happy who i`d be willing to risk everything for.

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  • Nope.. i mean not so necessary. When a true love comes you will never expect it always but some have this true love from early stage of relationship too.
    A true love loves you for who u are and what have you been through.

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  • It's true, I actually have a tattoo of those words. When you recognize your worth, you can be in a relationship without being needy or distant. Insecurities can be very unattractive, especially when you need constant validation.

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  • Yes. You can fake it. Like a lot of people do, but then end up destroying there lives and the lives of those that they are with because it ends badly for them... so at the end of the day. You need to love and accept yourself first before you can think about others.

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  • Yes. It is a problem I have had. I place too much importance on romantic approval. If you don't love yourself though... it don't attract a good relationship. People can't make you love yourself. They can help, but in the end you will push people away, or attract people that don't want you to have a great self image.

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  • Honestly I didn't love myself at all until I met my partner. He actually boosted my confidence and made me more happy with myself. And it wasn't because he went out of his way to assure me. It was just something that happened over time because I started looking at myself differently. He had no clue until I told him. And I haven't been clinging to him for self-worth at all.

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  • Generally, I think this notion is overrated. It's become a sort of new-age axiom that people parrot mindlessly, but that doesn't make it so. Nobody has higher self-esteem than me, and it doesn't make me some kind of commitment superstar.

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  • Yes; the reason being that people get tired quickly from dealing with your insecurities.

    Love yourself to work on yourself. That will allow people to see the light that you see yourself in and appreciate it/help them see themselves in a better light.

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  • I guess? Right? Thou it can can depressing being single and lonely for a long time.. I really don't know how it works to some point to understand how a person can keep that balance of continuing to love themselves..

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  • Without first loving yourself, you will give yourself to any guy who loves you. Without that self confidence, people may not want to date you because you may be deemed "high maintenance". You should not identify yourself by who you are dating, identify yourself by how you feel about yourself. You are the most amazing though, don't forget that! There is no one cooler and more awesome than you!

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  • Yes an no. You will find that when you have good regard for yourself, you attract mates who also respect you and hold you in high regard.

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  • I don't think so, I don't love myself and I did love someone, you just need to know that if he loves you back it's how you are, so don't let your selfsteem get in between of dressing pretty, hot sexy gifts or flirting, cause even if you are not hot at all, he loves you and choose to be with you

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  • Yes and no. You need to "love" yourself in that you need to understand your value and your goals. You need to experience everything so you can grow from it and learn. And sometimes it takes someone coming into your life for you to learn new lessons

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  • It's most preferable if you love yourself before you love someone else, me quoting RuPaul, "if you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else?"
    But learning your self worth in a relationship will be the happiest day of your life. Your spouse will love you back and your self confidence will grow and progress as it happens.

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  • You dont NEED to. If you dont like yourself, find someone who loves you for you. I myself didn't start realizing how pretty I am (or at least thats how i look at myself now) until i started dating my boyfriend. He would tell me things like "Your amazing" and "Your the best thing thats happen to me" or "Do you realize how happy you make me" or "Your the more beautiful girl I've ever met" and it made me feel good about myself!

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  • You don't have to love yourself, but you certainly shouldn't hate yourself. Be content and accepting of yourself and always strive to make yourself better

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  • I don't believe it is necessary. I think also having the right person to support you positively is very healthy and a good way to build self love. For example if you don't like the way you do something or the look of a certain body part than having a loving partner who can openly and easily tell you they love how you do that or how beautiful that body part is helpful for loving yourself. Be with someone who loves you for who you are.

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  • I think so, yes. Not loving yourself can lead to insecurities and trust issues. And trust is a vital part of a healthy, stable relationship. You need to be to accept yourself before you trust your partner. An insecure partner is never fun.

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  • It definitely *can* work without you loving yourself first, but its way easier on you and your partner if you do love yourself. You'll just be happier overall.

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  • No, not really. If anything, people who love themselves too much don't love other people enough.

    You can definitely hate yourself, and love other people.

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