What to do when you make more money than your partner?

My boyfriend is still in school and will be for a while longer. I have a small business--nothing crazy, but I do ok for myself. He's quitting his job to focus on school full-time. It's going to be summer soon, and he already let me know we can't really do things that cost money. That bummed me out, as it means that unless I pay for everything, we won't really be able to do anything. I don't mind splitting the tab or even paying for all of it at times, but I ain't no money bags sugar mama either lol and have a lot of my own expenses I need to cover. I also have a weird fear of being used for money. What should I do about this?

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Most Helpful Guy

  • It really depends on how the imbalance impacts you, I’ve always been very sensitive towards this topic. However, what that sensitivity ends up doing, is simply makes me cautious about meeting a new girl, dating for example, but I’ve never experienced a girlfriend I felt took advantage of me, in fact, they were all just as cautious, and never made me feel weird, which in turn, just made me more generous, because they were all students and it is what it is, it really depends on how he reacts, it should bother him a little and make him a little uncomfortable, but so long as he isn’t trying to take advantage, I don’t see how it could be an issue

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Most Helpful Girl

  • We don't usually do anything that costs money (except buy food). I don't really find it to be a problem, because we enjoy doing free things. If you really want to do something costly, pay for it, and if you don't, come up with free things to do. Especially during the summer just hanging out outside, going to the beach, going swimming, going hiking etc is fun and free.

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    • I used to jog around 17 Mile Drive and park in the boondocks where there’s free parking. Can’t beat the cliffs or the Carmel sand.

      PSA: Rich people didn’t become rich by spending a lot when they couldn’t afford it. My grandmother’s friend would drive across town to use a coupon or for cheaper gas, thereby negating the actual savings with a show of savings and a show of money wasting. (When someone becomes rich, they’ll understand ostentatious money-wasting is a fashion: driving a car that’s expensive to maintain and breaks a lot, spending half a million on booze at a party, outbidding for some art, commissioning a stupid-expensive, ugly, outdoor sculpture, wearing a Versace shirt once and giving to Goodwill... because they can afford it.)

    • @shots-shots-shots. I'm live in the area described amongst some of those you've mentioned. There's a difference between new and old money. Spending beyond your means is foolish , just the same as spoiling yourself with a false image. Those who can afford to remain in that area , buy into the communilty lifestyle and it's offerings. Although , you don't have to be rich to enjoy the area at large as you've mentioned. Santa Cruz was my play ground when I was young , then back across the bay I went. a lot of people when i was young thought i was single and homeless , the image that reflected for some. There's a eloquent balance between an artifitial image that prompts some to feel as if money is what makes them happy or happy makes them money. Then agian , state of mind and stable conquest forward over state of status or false imaging , especially in search of an s/o , is what differentiates those concerned with an agenda of attraction for monetary purposes vs the upright.

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  • Have dates that don't involve going out, if you can. If it's the summer by the way, I don't know why he can't at least get part time work and set up a small picnic or something. At the end of the day, this is a temporary issue, is it really worth being that upset over?

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  • Relationships are a two way street. The fact that he said that you guys can't do anything that cost money is a good indication that he doesn't want yours. I understand that he is going to be a full time student but that doesn't mean he can't get a job. A lot of times schools have work programs for students. He should probably look into that. he can also consider seasonal and part time work. That should help aliviaré the money situation without infringing into his school work.

    As some of the others said, this is a temporary situation so what you really need to ask yourself is "Can I deal with this situation all the way through?"

    As for you paying for everything that's on you. If you start paying for everything then it will become the norm, he'll get used to it and expect it. If you only pay during some special occasions and what not it won't be the norm and he won't expect it. A word of caution, be careful with how you handle this because if he feels emasculated he may react negatively.

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  • Seems like trial and error 1. He's already unwilling to put you through things that costs money 2. He's trying to better himself not be a lazy bum, he has ambition 3. Many things to do together don't require much money but creativity and effort. 4. Trust your instincts but let observation be your guide

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  • Seriously, he shoudnt quit his job, as a man his job to take you out to programs and to keep you. Keep in mind im not saying he has to pay for evsrything. IF he has no other choice but to quit his job he should find another shorter job (hourswise). If he has no choice but to quit he needs to be creative and instead of "we won't do anything" he needs to say "lets go for picnic to the park it only costs a few sandos." There are always more than 1 ways to handle problems. I would suggests give him like a month or 2 where you pay when you have to and you will see how he's acting in this 2 months. Like a test. Then if you think he's taking the piss, leave him. Or tell him you leave him if he won't change. doesn't matter his young or his school, as a man his job to make programs for both of you. If he's doing them by waiting for yozr money.. thats fucked up. Its ok for a short (1-2 month max) time but not as basics. If he's creative and has the will to make you happy there are no limits of what you can do.

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  • hopefully he has saved some money so as not to be a huge financial burden on you. but you basically just will be the person to decide how finances go. it is a burden to be the sole bread winner but understand that it's temporary and just do your best not to over extend yourself

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  • You need to talk to him about your concerns, and really listen to what he is saying. If things don't sound right and your gut tells your something is wrong, pay attention to these feelings.

    But I will tell you something right now that is setting off alarm bells for me, he is quitting his job. Already sounds like, he has plans to use someone to cover his expenses.

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  • money bags sugar mama lol haha. well you already do enough. most women wouldn't even do what you do cause we are used to men paying. if it displeases you that he can't afford to take you out, just break up with him. or else be patient until he makes his own money.

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  • In case of just paying for everything its like being an affectionate parent - giving the child everything they want.
    We all know that it ends badly.
    If focusing on study is his true reason then you might sponsor him, so to say. Create a motivation, mb like give money when he achieves something in his study.
    My point is that just giving somebody money and dont control it or the person doesn't control themselves then support turns into spoiling the personality.

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  • Well honestly my opinion is he shouldn't quit his job if he has no means of income and on the flip side you shouldn't support him do not feed into that habit it's good you make your own money but it seems like he is gonna be riding on your coat tail for awhile dont let him

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  • If you are living together, then this is a decision he should have made with you. If not, then he's decided to get an education, which long term, is a very good thing. The question is, do you want to wait, or not?

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  • Get a new guy. Seriously. This never works, a guy feels inadequate and the girl never respects him, always thinks he could do better or more. So it's a fail. You're already 'bummed', which is a giant red flag and a fail.

    But you won't, you'll say, 'but I love him' and you'll keep trying, but eventually it will implode. You even already have the 'weird fear'. So there it is.

    Good luck.

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  • Keep your money to yourself. Have activities, that don't cost much if any money at all.
    Don't let yourself be taken advantage of. It's dangerous because those disgusting and treacherous scum, that we call gold diggers are everywhere.

    Instead encourage him to work part time for something.

    Welcome to feeling like a man: When you're never sure if she loves you for you or your money bags 💰

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  • He'll cheat on you one day definitely & that fear of being used for money is very much rational, I'm NOT GENERALISING ANYTHING but have come across many cases where the female partner earns higher than the male partner, the male partner is likely to cheat/ break it off/ hurt her. Has happened to my close friend too.

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    • @Ravennea True that and also a part of my whole point, that is, There's no point in wasting any time & efforts over something having potential to "use you" "hurt you" or "make you feel regretful".

    • Truuu, although that doesn't necessarily mean they will cheat on you.

  • Learn to enjoy life without spending loads. It isn't that difficult if you really enjoy spending time with him.

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    • Maybe she needs to become more capital-preserving by negotiating better deals, asking for favors to borrow vacation homes, etc?

      Spending money requires making it... it’s a whole lot easier to stack it away when you live cheap. I went from six-figures $20k/yr in dining & entertainment expenses alone to under $15k/yr absolutely all-in, baseline expenses. Won’t find anyone else here doing anything close, even if they make $20k, they’re just wasting half of it on junk.

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    • I wish money weren’t necessary but it’s vital nonetheless. Enough money brings potential freedom and ability to respond in life... that’s all. Nothing good, nothing evil, it’s amoral.. people’s behavior around it is the underlying concern of honorable to sinister dealings that is “source of all evil” popularly shifted onto inanimate concepts.

      Emergencies can be expensive. Hhit sappens.

      Solid retirement planning also needs more than people think. My mom indicates running low on retirement saving and it’s implied that I’m the only breadwinner in the family... so it’s all on me to hustle and kill some brontosaurus bacon slabs. No worries really. Neohippie hacker-hustler workaholic will deliver.

    • @shots-shots-shots yeah, I'm more inclined to just save enough money for a one way ticket to Dignitas... That's my preferred retirement plan, especially when it comes to my parents. I've been helping them out long enough, they can buy their own plane ticket! Ha!

      But you're right, money itself is nothing... But boy do people get crazy over bits of paper and promises from the bank...

  • he's being honest.. He has to concentrate on his studies.. nothing like walks, and netflix , free pron and sex , they will take the place of a lot .. Also you can cook at home, together, find hobbies, have friends over..

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  • Let me see if I fully understand this. You want to spend money, he doesn't. But because you want to spend money doing things he said he doesn't want to do, because of a lack of funds, you feel used.

    Simple, do those things alone or find cheap alternative is the both of you can afford.

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  • As a guy who is in a similar situation, try to make it so that you guys are having free dates. Some of the best dates I had didn't cost a thing. Get creative and you'll still have fun.
    Also, make sure he understands how you feel about this. Money causes a lot of problems in relationships and open and honest communication can help prevent that. Let him know your expectations so he isn't surprised by them later.

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  • This is something you have to figure out for yourself. You know your boyfriend better than any of us. Do you think he's using you? If so, then bring your concerns up with him.

    It doesn't sound like he's using you to me. It sounds like he's told you he's going to focus on school and so you both have to be a little tight with your money for a little while. If he was really using you I don't think he would care at all about penny-pinching both yours and his wallets.

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  • Shit hook up with me. No seriously he got jacked up priorities you don't quit your job to go to school with no money income. I'd love more details but seriously bro don't do things that cost a lot of money. I'd get outta that relationship. But then I don't know his record or personal characteristics. Does he help out those who help him out. Does he put people down or whine a lot

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  • You should reevaluate why you're with this man. If you believe you have a future together then put the unimportant things aside. He is making sacrifices now to improve both of your lives in the long run. Also, it's not like he is just unemployed.

    If you do end up paying for most if not everything when you go out, don't make small comments about spending money or how expensive things are. It is hard enough being the man and having your woman pay for everything. I've been there.

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  • Just do fun free activities...
    Also you could consider making him make non financial contributions to the relationship so he is still pulling his weight: chores etc...

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    • A fantastic museum around here is donations-only, so put in $5 or nothing if you’re a cheap bastard like me. And there’s a rose garden with benches in the center of campus surrounded by a massive tear-drop shaped field and more flowers.

    • @shots-shots-shots Or if you even cheaper ass like me an ancient 1c no longer in circulation ;) :P
      (Haven't actually done this but have put a 20c piece in a donation colection box one time.. lol the puppy statue for the spca lol

  • I truly don’t understand all the people automatically saying “break up with him.” It sounds to me like he quit his job so he could focus on school more so that he can eventually be able to support you; he feels insecure about the fact that you are established in your life, and he isn’t, therefore he’s doing something about it.

    Also, everyone on GaG always say how important it is to talk to one another, and that’s exactly what he’s done (he had a very candid conversation with you regarding finances, I think that’s great!), but now everyone is just saying you should break it off... so hypocritical 🤦🏼‍♀️

    But, my advice to you is to just be candid with him in return; tell him about your concerns and find a way, with one another, to assuage your fears.

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    • Yup. It’s typical
      entitlement, short-term gold-digging thinking any sensible man screens out.

      Through the law of hypergamy: If he doesn’t make more than her soon, she’s going to “spontaneously” “fall in love” with a richer guy for “love.” If he doesn’t make more soon, he may get more and more insecure and force her away anyhow.

      That’s what happens. It’s not her fault or his fault... it’s what’s in our own, long-term, best interests is what we should gravitate towards. It’s brutal, efficient, necessary and unavoidable, except by naïve people whom choose to settle in balance sheet paucity and wonder why they can’t afford health insurance or good schooling for their kids.

  • Well you both should never be money bags. I understand schooling costs a lot of your time. Dont pay for everything. Make the best of the your time with each other. Dont always have to spend money to enjoy life.

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  • It will sal come out in the wash! Im in a similar boat now. My girlfriend doesn't have a job right now and i just work more to pick up the slack. I lost my job back in the winter and she paid my rent for 2 months, now we live together and i pay all the rent until she has a job.

    Unless you think your bei g taken for a ride don't worry about it or make him get something part time.

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  • And what will it be like when he's done with school? I wouldn't worry about it my mom always said it all comes out in the wash, meaning it equals it's self out in the the end, and what if he made more money than you wouldn't you find a why to spend it

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  • You share. There is always a sacrifice to be made in any relationship. Relationships are socialist things. Everything is to be shared and that is just how it is. I've been in my relationship shop for 6 months and he makes more but he has more bills and so I contribute any spare cash that I have to him to help with his bills. You are a team... There is no "my money" it is just "our money"

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  • It all depends on how much you love the guy or even like him. I don't know if he lives at home with his parents but if he doesn't then he is surely depending on you to support him and you're going out your social life is going to diminish.

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  • He's trying to get done with college so he can get a better job. He does t want to be one of those people who takes a 1 or 2 classes at a time and goes to school for 10 years like so many people do these days.

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  • Pay for everything. That's what a lot of women expect men to do.

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  • You can always do stuff that doesn’t cost a ton of money (movie nights, picnics etc)

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  • Tell him that you ain't no moneybags. Gently. WOMAN. COMMUNICATION!

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  • One of the reasons I have against having a relationship with a girl who has more money than I do is the fact that in many such cases:
    "Bad temper, insolence, and dispute hold sway
    When the wife supports the husband".

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  • I don't see how he's in a position to forfeit making some type of living. Who's paying for his food and housing?

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  • I do school full time and still manage my job working in elementary. He can manage a part time job at least a few days a week.

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  • My wife comes from money. Money is overrated once you have it. I mean it's not an issue. My father-in-law hooked us up w 71K for our first home. I don't worry about money. I worry about pills and cocaine running low before my cash flow. Bud.

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  • Well you should talk to him, tell him ok. I understand your going to school and stuff, but your not always busy now you can find a job, I don't want to be rude but honestly only me working isn't going to work

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  • Well what I just think is that you can only help your boyfriend if you think that is normal for you to do that but not for him to force you on that I think... But its normal for you to help him if you really feel like doing

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  • Set boundaries, talk to him about it. I already do earn more than my husband but I dont mind paying for everything

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  • Nothing? Just don't do things that aren't expensive.

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  • Why would you date a young guy? While you have between 30-35 years old.

    And sorry to say. But I've seen way more women using their asses to get money from men than men doing that.

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  • Seems you don't trust him. relationships aren't always about the money. It's all about how it's going to end and you wanna be in the side who didn't commit any mistake

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  • Don't pay for everything. He should have a job. Simple as that.
    You should make sure that he's quitting to actually focus on school and not because he's lazy. Lazy dudes suck.

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  • Well you do things the two of you can afford. There are lots of things people can do for free.

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  • If you Love him and he Loves you, don't worry about it. Who's 2 say when he finishes school he won't take you to France. On the other hand if he's a leach, drop him like a bad habit.

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  • Tell his ass to at least get a part-time job.. Other then that dont waste your time at all

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  • I suggest you dump him and find a boyfriend who has already made it.

    And if you are in your 30's, you really should.

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  • Oh man, this is creepy. I think you deserve better. Anyway if you spend your money on a man or would be it must at least be someone worse it and not somebody that use you for it shamelessly and tell you what to do as if he is boss while it is your money he then is using. He is not worse the whole you because you do great but you need someone that is worse to have you and not just use you as he would others so tell him he can go out to try to find someone else to use but not you since you ain't-a fool. That will teach him a lesson that you are not somebody you can fool around with.

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  • Go buy really nice things for yourself to show off in front of him to make him jealous and realise he should get a job again hahaha

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  • Well in this case you rub it in his face lol. Jokes there is nothing to do. Just wait until he finishes school and makes money too.

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  • If he's a keeper, you can indulge him a bit in exchange for support and more affluent times later.
    Otherwise, you're wise to be cautious.

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