Are some divorced men bitter if the ex initiated the divorce vs. them?

Was having this conversation with a friend. Seems the divorced men we meet whose wives left them (initiated the divorce) are either bitter or traumatized. Not saying all divorced men... thoughts?

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  • I think divorce is a bit traumatizing no matter who initiates it. It's really sad when something that was so good turns so bad. In my case, I'm the one that initiated the legal process of divorce, though in reality she's the one that initiated the divorce by effectively withdrawing from the marriage by wanting to be alone most of the time and not really putting any effort into keeping things good. So I'm not sure who you'd really say initiated it.

    We separated by mutual agreement and it was peaceful at the time. I felt good the day I moved out and she even helped me with the move. Once the legal process got going it got a lot more unfriendly though. I suspect that it was her lawyer more than my ex-wife that was responsible for that but it was a very stressful and unpleasant experience for me with various false accusations, demands for unreasonable amounts of alimony, abandoning several promises my ex had made at the time we agreed to separate, a lot of money wasted on legal fees, etc.

    By the end of the legal process I felt a lot more negative about my ex. I'd still be willing to have occasional contact with her but she apparently doesn't want any contact with me at all. Her sister still talks with me, but my ex doesn't. We had both told our (adult) children that we wanted to be friends after the divorce, but she wants no contact now and I think her lawyer and the legal process are probably responsible for that.

    So I guess in my case, while there are some negative feelings because she just stopped trying in the marriage, more of mine came from the legal divorce process. Have you asked the guys you talked with how much of their bitterness is a result of the breakup itself and how much was a result of the legal process and fights over child custody and financial things (property division, alimony, child support, etc.)?

    My children were already grown, so this wasn't an issue for me, but I've heard of guys that weren't allowed to spend much if any time with their kids but had to pay a lot of money in alimony and child support. Who wouldn't be bitter about not being able to see their kids but having to send a bunch of money so that they don't have enough left to afford a decent life?

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  • Yeah people will often try to find ways to prevent extreme pain like that if they've experienced it.

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  • 75% of divorces are initiated by women.
    Men love idealistically.
    women love opportunistically.

    Women will pull the plug whereas men will tend to trod on hoping it will improve.

    If a woman cheats or bails on her man it's because he is an asshole. Her friends and relatives will ALL say so.

    If a man cheats or bails it's because he's a COMPLETE ASSHOLE. Just ask the same group.

    The burden of performance is on men. If they fail to uphold their stature, their health, wealth, and ability to entertain and proved, a woman will shut down sexually, cheat, bail, or any combination. And you'll hear the proverbial "I just wasn't haaaaappppppyyyyy.'

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    • Thanks! I’ve never been married and recently met a divorced guy. I sense he went through a lot emotionally after his 15-year marriage and subsequent divorce. Not sure he’s ready to date, even though he’s been divorced 4 years?

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    • Yes, he has a teenage daughter. No sure why they got divorced? Yes, I would imagine any Dad would put his child before anyone else.

    • Teenage daughters are the worst. Just know that dating is one thing, but if it turns serious figure you won't be marrying or moving in 'till she's gone. OMFG :)
      I know, I had two, and a step. Talk about oil and water, dogs and cats. Wow.
      But once they're gone, you can be his primary focus!

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