Is it bad to have sex with a guy too soon if you're looking for a relationship?

I've been dating this guy for 3 weeks now, not official yet. We met off a dating site, and he's a few years younger than me but says he wants a serious relationship. I've been putting off having sex with him because I'm worried that that's all he'll want me for after. I'd feel better if we had a strong mental connection first, but he's not much of a talker (shy? idk) so getting to know him has been going really slow.

I had a conversation with him last week where i said that I wanted to take things slow in the physical aspect, and he agreed and said it should be special. But then he keeps trying whenever we hang out. The last time we were together, I was tipsy and gave in a bit, and we exchanged oral.

I don't know what do you all think?
Updates:
Update: he flaked on our date at the last minute so I'm leaning towards he's not interested.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • I think he sounds like a manipulator, thought that as soon as you shared him saying, "It should be special." Why? Yeah, if you have a deep mental and emotional bond it can become special the first time but as he does not put the effort into the relationship to share who he is, it's not that. He uses the term special to add a label to something in order to make you mentally and emotionally dwell on those words, because who doesn't want to be special? It's a topic you feel something on and the more you dwell on the words, the more you think about it and try to convince yourself you are overthinking it and dump your walls. The fact that he keeps trying proves that he is staking out your perimeter, looking for the weak spot to attack. Sorry, but you are dealing with a narcissist. Approach with caution.

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  • Maybe shy. I used to be and sometimes still am shy around new women. I have to hang with them a little before I get comfortable enough to talk about myself and or other things... Probably good to hold off on sex yes, because if you give yourself too soon then, he'll think that's what your like with all men your attracted or hanging with. He would always question your loyalty and faithfulness for a very long time. It might even consume his mind and have him think of you as just a slut he'll fuck with till he finds something better...

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    • Very true, but you don't have to Phycoanalyze if she just talked with him. If he can't communicate his feelings and thoughts back then she should end it. It's fucked without that.

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    • He did, but I'm not sure I buy it. This is the second date he cancelled at the last minute.

    • What's a good last minute excuse?

Most Helpful Girls

  • I've had a situation similar to yours. We met on tinder, dated for 2 months. Gone official and agreed we both wanted a long term committed relationship. I decided to wait a while before taking things further, and only after 1,5 months let him take my t-shirt off. He proceeded to ask if he could take the rest off too, but I said no. He turned out to be a manipulative piece of shit who’s been cheating on me since day one. Despite saying he had deleted his account he had matched with one of my friends and flirted with her. Suddenly all last minute cancellations and strange ‘bruises’ on his neck all made sense. I was just a side chic the whole time. Be careful. If you withhold sex for long enough you can get to know the person better and see if you can trust them enough to go the whole way. Is just safer that way. Also if they are purely looking for sex you will eventually find out if you’re not letting them have it - like I did when I realised he’s cheating. Better be safe than sorry

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    • That's tinder for you sweety don't look for anything on there other then sex. Because the app is based on looks alone and brief massaging before you meet... If you want more than just sex stay off that app

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    • Well yes I mentally prepare myself for the worst and I don't trust. But I try my best to let them in and try trusting. It's a way I keep self control if something did go wrong in the future

    • Thanks for MHO!

  • From personal experience if all a guy wants is sex it doesn't matter how long you wait. That's all he'll ever want regardless.
    It depends if you want to risk it, I have waited 6 months to sleep with someone and he left me days later.
    Yet I've slept with someone after like 2 weeks and we're in a committed relationship.
    He's there for me no matter what and always puts me first, we met online. After some very bad experiences I knew which red flags to look out for, he'd never had a girlfriend and seemed very nervous. Didn't try to kiss me or make me feel uncomfortable and we spoke for 6 hours straight on the first date. Trust your gut, it rarely lies.

    Also see how much effort he puts in on dates, in regards of travelling to you and how he speaks about other people and treats them.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 45

  • Yes, it is. He may lose respect for and trust in you, assuming 'if she gave it up so quickly to me, imagine how many were there before me, and how quickly she must have given it up to them!'.

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    • I mean I have had casual sex before and I won't lie to him if he were to ask me. I just realized it wasn't my thing and it's not what I'm looking for this time.

    • @Asker my point exactly what. There is no need to keep repeating past mistakes.

  • Sex creates feelings! If you don't feel like you are getting to know him, that is a red flag. It's a recipe for regret. I'd stop with the oral because it does the same thing. Take it from a guy, if he can't open up without getting you to open up your legs or mouth, it's a problem

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  • do you seriously mean whether its bad to have sex as soon as you did with all the other men you didn't thought seriously about?
    honestly, you would willfully put the one guy in a temporary celibate that you are really interested on the long term?

    I met this phenomenon a lot of times. be unique, stop doing that.

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  • The fact he is always trying suggest to me he just wants in your pants.. if your after someone who will talk to you and respect you, find someone who will, don't settle for a guy you like who doesn't like you as much in return in the way you desire.

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  • It depends on the guy. I personally think there's no better way to get to know someone then by having sex (seriously). I've slept with a woman on the first date and I would've definitely had a serious relationship with her, but she didn't want it.

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    • For me, sex doesn't change if I want a serious relationship or not. I either want it or I don't. So there is no "too soon", and it's a fantastic ice breaker and makes me a thousand times more comfortable with her and I'll open up quicker. But that's just me.

  • You should be very careful with guys you meet on dating sites. Take double the time before sex cuz they usually just say what you want to hear. Obviously if you want him just for sex go for it. Anyway the point is better safe than getting used you know if a guy starts ghosting you or sending messages really slowly he only wanted you for something you didn't give

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  • Once the sex starts, it tends to slow down the growth of other aspects of the relationship.

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  • I think in my opinion that you should wait a couple of months and see if. he. sticks around and hang out and try to talk with him as much as possible if he sticks around the its not for Alex and he's actually mentally connected to an extent but honestly go with you gut feeling

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  • Sometimes it can be too soon if you're wanting a serious relationship. But if it is, the guy won't let things go that far

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  • Have sex when you're good and ready. There will never be a "too soon" it's just about how comfortable you are with them. If you feel ready to take the next step go for it if you don't than don't. I would recommend not having alcohol involved for the first time so you can both be honest with each other and your intentions. Wish you guys well. If you want an example from my life it was a couple months til I had sex with my now ex but we were together for 2ish years after the first time

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  • If your worried that all he wants you for us sex don't be with him. But also be aware all guys want sex most of the time immediately. To answer your question, I think it is a good thing you are taking it slow so he knows you are not a slut and probably wouldn't cheat, at least that's what I would want.

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  • Yes it is, there's studies showing that the level of serotonin (the compound of "love") drop in men when they orgasm, but increase with commitment.

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  • No, I don't think so. I think sex is an important part of a relationship, so would be sad if you found out later on that you are not sexually compatible.

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  • You should definitely wait or not talk to him at all if all he's been doing is pressuring for sex but if he isn't and he's just hella horny then you should wait until you guys connect mentally, then you should connect physically.

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  • I think he's in the same mindset as you but when it comes to being in the moment where the opportunity arises he wants to make the move. This could be because like you said he may just want you for sex, or is just a shy but horny dude.

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  • If you are not official then it’s likely he is dating other girls. Do you want to sleep with him while he is having sex with others? It’s too soon.

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  • he's most likely just lookimg for sex. If you say no and he isn't bothered by it, then he might actually be looking for a relationship.

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    • Yeah, if he started ignoring you and didn't show up for the date, he was just looking for sex. But maybe something really did come up. I dont know its your life ill let you decide. Not that what I say matters. But good luck.

  • Hell no. Having sex with the person your attracted to breaks the tension by a ton. You both will definitely feel more open to each other.

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  • You're over thinking it. If you give him sex one day you can say no the next. Witholding sex because you fear he'll only want that after is a baseless fear. Sex doesn't ruin relationships, people do. If you believe that he'll leave because of shit you've been told or your past then what you're doing is pardon Retarded! He's not the guy you slept with and left the next day. He's a different guy. Why don't you actually tell him how you feel about sex? Like, I don't want to have sex because I think that's all you'll want from me after.

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    • Go with your gut though. If 3 weeks is too soon for you and you don't trust him then don't.

  • I think you should dump him and find someone else, someone with experience. You will be glad you did.

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What Girls Said 17

  • Everyone will say no, but the truth is: a lot of guys will dump you if you fuck too soon. You stop being girlfriend material and go to being a pump-and-dump - the girl who was "too easy" who is subsequently boring now.

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  • If he keeps trying after you specifically told him you want to wait and he agreed, he only told you what you wanted to hear. He is going to keep trying until you give him what he wants. Is up to you to "have fun" and see what happens next... if he stays or goes with the wind to never be seen again

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    • Everyone wants sex in a relationship. Fuck. Otherwise I will think that you're either nuts, or your pussy has fallen off.
      A few more days of celibacy from my girlfriend who told me "she wants to take it slow", and I WILL BE GONE LIKE THE WIND

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    • If your roommate getting laid makes you jealous enough to act like you have Tourette's you're kind of a petty little bitch huh? I'm going to have to revoke your man card.

    • @Maxim245 You need to break up. She's probably fuckin another dude!!! If she's not in the mood and you love her then go out for a date. If she's just there for sex then you better leave!!!

  • Nothing wrong with this and honestly if you’ve met and been hanging out for 3 weeks then I’d say it’s a sufficient amount of time, if all he wanted was sex and you hadn’t given it up by now he still wouldn’t be around. So I think it’s safe to say that he’s on the same page. Good luck.

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    • The question was not asked how many times have you seen him in three weeks, how much time do you usually spend together. His behavior says narcissist and he tried to professionally prove her defenses, he knows what he is doing and is pushing his ideal of sex off on her. She's just another notch to him without the respect.

  • I think you should try having the conversation again and tell him everything you’re thinking and not just pieces of it. Include the part about how you’d feel after sex. If things continue to progress where you feel uncomfortable you may have to put your foot down

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  • Yes. It really isn't good at all. Giving him sex, is like basically already giving him everything. Cause after sex, what is there more to want? (In a guys mind).

    You gave him what he wanted way too quickly, and now he's either probably bit turned off or their is just nothing else more to chase.

    Remember guys like the chase, they could say no all they want, but that's why they end up leaving when you give them everything they wanted right then and there. Let him earn the prize first.

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    • The only guy's that like the chase are the ones afte4 the treasure and they'll leave when they get it. Guys that care, hate the chase. Sex isn't everything if we actually care about you.

  • personally it doesn't matter if a guy wants to be with you he will be with you whether you sleep with him the first time around or after a couple of weeks or months.

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  • This is utter crap. My fiance was pretty much my sugar daddy before we got engaged. You should do what feels right. If th

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  • Yes It's Bad. He will think you are easy and won't give any effort in the relationship anymore. See he bailed because he did get what he wanted and moved on

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  • No. I'm in a similar boat with you. I met a guy off a chat app and met up with him. We been seeing each other since than same as you about 3 weeks or more. We met and talked for a little bit. We talked and we had good conversation. And on the first day we met in person we exchanged oral and even had sex in the back of his car. Tbh I wasn't concerned about him just wanting me for sex I just wanted to enjoy the company and chat and chill whatever.. Since then we have sex but he's kinda the same as you. He want to talk and hang out with me and seems to be looking for someone to be in a relationship. So he's just trying to figure me out and learn more about me. Dont worry too much about it. There's no perfect method when looking for a relationship. personally it's best to find put if your both sexually compatible too.

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  • If you want to wait, wait. He needs to respect that and if he can't then cut that man off

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  • Go at your pace. If he is interested he wouldn't mind going slow

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  • 3 weeks is enough, not too early

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  • ... of coouurse it isss

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    • Remember.. if you enter into something too fast.. it can likely end just as fast... what you tend to also put into a relationship.. is also what you may get out of it as well.. you reap what you sow effect...

  • Yes.

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  • Your just sex for him.

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    • Thought that too since he agreed and said it should be special. No one says that but 18 year old virgins with no opportunity to get laid so they give themselves an excuse.

  • Sounds like it is about time if you like him and see long term thing with him.

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  • I would wait a little while until the sex. Get to know each other better. Talk about what you like and what you don’t like. Don’t go straight to sex. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship.

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