Should I continue with this relationship, and what likely is my partner thinking?

Me and my partner had a huge fight, which caused us to break up. I didn't want to break up with him, all I wanted was to have some space, but he saw things differently. After he explicitly stated that he no longer wanted to be with me, he told me that he is no longer sexually attracted to me, does not love me, and has no desire to pursue anything romantically with me. I try to apologize and beg him to see the good in our relationship. I try to make him remember why he fell in love with me in the first place, but alas it seemed like my efforts weren't working. Fast forward, he eventually tells me that he wants to try it again. So of course I go all in for it. I'm trying to make it up to him in any shape I can, have taken back the words I've said, apologized for things I did wrong, and tried to give suggestions on how to improve our relationship. There are times where he seems sincere but there's always a "if it's like this, I dont want to be with you. If you think like this' it's not going to work out..." etc. Its mostly negatives than positives. We start being romantic again, far from lovey dovey... Fast forward. We have a discussion about what we did in our break. He told me that I could do whatever I want, so naturally I go on tinder and do whatever when we were broken up. But whenever he told me that he wanted to take things slow again, I stopped flirting with other people, deleted tinder and stopped talking to potential love interests. I told him that if he wants to take things slow with me, that he has to do the same, and of course he tells me that I'm the only person that he wants to be with... Yet I caught him swiping on tinder. So obviously he's still looking around. Am I just a friends with benefits to him? Is he just using me to make himself feel better because he knows that I want him? Does he love me or is he just wanting to have sex with me? Should I keep trying and hope that it'll go back to how it was in the past? Any advice would be helpful.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • I think what's actually happening here is that you're starting to see who he truly is. You've been with him for a while and through one big break up with him, if the things you are talking about were bump in the road kind of things that you just needed to break out the negotiating and understanding skills, I'd say to start communicating and be prepared to take some constructive criticism from him. That's not at all what it sounds like from your description.

    1 - He sounds unwilling to negotiate in the relationship. He actively shuts down that give-take dynamic with "if you're like this I'm leaving", going straight to a demand, an ultimatum, so that he doesn't have to negotiate with you. Relationships don't work with demands from either party. Yes, both parties have needs that MUST be met by the other for things to work, but the framework for taking care of each other has to be negotiating for those needs so that both parties needs are acknowledged. Demands leave no room for your partner to have expectations of you too, they put all the responsibility on one person. Essentially your boyfriend is saying "you're going to think/give me what I want, and I'm owed that so I don't have to give anything back to you to get this from you." That's not how this works. Generally I think people who threaten to leave, ought to be told by their partners "there's the door. If you're going to stay, I'm willing to work together. If you're going to issue threats and make demands, then you really only leave me the choice of take it or leave it, and I'll leave it if those are my only choices."

    2 - He's on Tinder, and you're busy trying to make everything up to him! You've taken every single bit of responsibility for the break up on your shoulders. That's not right. He said and did things that hurt you too, clearly, and break ups are almost never entirely one party's exclusive fault unless that person is truly self centered, which you do not come off as being.

    He's not taking responsibility for his part of this relationship with you nor for his part in the breakup. He's showing himself to be willing to take all of the benefits and power in a relationship without offering anything in return. I'm saying this as a very Dominant person myself. I want a lot of power in a relationship, especially in the bedroom, but if I want that I have to be willing to take a tremendous amount of responsibility for my partner's happiness and well being. One without the other is really just using someone.

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  • Wow, you are so 20!!
    First-you broke up for a reason. Unless that issue was solved when you reconnected then the relationship will return to that issue and you will break up again
    Second-much easier for girls to get sex than guys-choice vs. chore. He has sex with you but it is not loving or tender-its sex. He doesn't want to commit emotionaly (take it slow) and the sex is not loving. Figure it out.
    Third-Most guys learn that when they break up with a regular girlfriend that they no longer can get reasonably steady sex. Thus they are reluctant to release until they have a replacement
    Fourth-Many guys would keep having sex with you even if they started something up with someone else. Men like variety (Even see that calendar for married men? Same picture every month) and most would not mind a piece on the side for variety and spice. If there is a reasonable likelihood his activities won't be exposed (to his new squeeze) then he would keep you as a side dish (explaining to you he is "taking it slow")
    Fifth-the fact he wants you off Tinder but is still on himself is telling. He wants himself to be your priority and you to be his option.
    Sixth-The person who cares the least controls the relationship.
    Open your eyes. It is amazing how we cling to hopes in the face of evidence to the contrary. Don't fool yourself. Take back your dignity. He is NOT the only one out there.
    Good luck to you!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • He's manipulative. It's more like love your body needs, but not your soul. Well, he always plays with you. He doesn't want to be with you, like he said, he's no longer attracted to you and whenever you start flirting with someone POOF! He's there again and saying maybe we should try again. He is with you because of the memories or like... addiction. One day he will find someone and leave you, then you'll be heartbroken and won't have anything by your side. I would suggest you to end up things as fast as you can, you can't live with memories holding you. He's there for you, because it is difficult to be lonely.

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What Guys Said 8

  • My first thought reading this was those things he said, "doesn't love you" etc, might have just been said in anger, or, did he really mean them? Did you ever discuss that with him when he came back? Because this is pretty serious to say. He either means it and it's true, or I question his "love" for you to say them and hurt you like that. But we can all say things we don't mean in anger.

    I think you need to sit him down and have a heart to heart with him and find out exactly how he feels, because he seems wishy washy. Tell him how you feel, but also get him to tell you how he feels and what he thinks. Him saying things like "if it's going to be like this" suggests to me that maybe he isn't happy, but doesn't want to leave either?
    Also, you've apologized and "begged him to see the good in your relationship", apologizing is fine, but you shouldn't have to beg him to see the good. And did he say anything back about how he felt? Or was it all 1 sided (yours)? I question how invested he is in the relationship at all honestly, and it shouldn't be 1 sided, which it sounds like it is. Maybe this isn't right for either of you?

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  • Pack up and leave... I don't really know much but you do need break from all this. You are young so you need to focus on yourself. All the problems highlighted stem directly from a needy relationship. You might have missed out some wrong doings from your side but you guys should be more direct. Ask him these questions directly and seal the deal ;)

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  • I think it's a little less than friends with benefits, he does like having you around but he feels something wrong and would more likely look for a reason why YOU aren't making things work even if you didn't really do anything wrong. If it takes little for him to lash out then he's not as serious as you are

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  • Keep on trying for other men, bcoz you know he's looking for other companion too.
    Have a little backup, don't just wait for the D-day off breaking up.
    I would suggest let him see you swiping tinder on your phone. This may trigger some feeling that you are also looking for a better option.
    If he changes -- well and good.
    If not & breaks up with u - feel happy as universe saved u.

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  • Sadly, the power in the relationship lies with the one who cares the least about it. Know your worth and never settle for less. If he's a true man and cares about you he will show it.

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  • you're an idiot for trying so long. He obviously doesn't love you, you're making him feel bad so he's staying with your ass

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  • move on

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  • As someone who is currently rekindling with an ex I can tell you this much-- it's not easy. So you have to ask yourself, is this person worth how much time and effort in going to need to put in for it to work? Also, and this is something I'm struggling with too, understand it will be a slow process if it's going to work. When a break up happens feelings are hurt and trust is broken. Trust is so important in a relationship, but it is something easily lost and difficult to regain, that's why it's so valuable. I do think he might be playing a little hard to get, and the tinder thing could be to just possibly keep his guard up and options open. However, if you two are going to work out, you can't be begging for him back and bending over backwards, he won't respect you if you do. Tell him how you feel, and see how receptive he is to it. If he's unsure, that's ok, don't force anything, but if after awhile he still isn't sure it may be best to just sever ties.

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What Girls Said 4

  • That is a MESS. I would cut ties and run.

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  • NO HIS PLAYING GAME IF HE SAID NO SEXUAL DONT LIKE U HE ALREADY HAS ANOTHR OR IS LOOKING FOR ONE DUME HIM ASP UR BETTER THAN THAT

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  • Move on

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  • Leave him! he's using you and manipulating u

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