Is a guy who’s insecure about his looks a red flag?

I’m going on a date with a guy next week.

Basically, he can’t handle compliments and calls himself ugly and that nobody likes him. But FUCK, he is SO HANDSOME. He jokes about me possibly being high on drugs for even finding him good looking.

Apparently he was bullied at school as a kid and beaten up really bad. And he suffers from really Low self esteem. He also had an abusive Long distance relationship (girl would tell him never to talk to or meet with girls) whereby the girl was actually who ended up sleeping with guys.

Should I avoid this type of guy for his own good where he can be on the road of self-discovery? He’s such a sweet guy though, when I criticised those bullies and cursed karma on them, he was like “I wouldn’t want to hurt them, I feel guilty if I hurt people”. 😩

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Well first if being insecure about your looks is a red flag, every woman I've ever known is waving one lol

    If you like him you shouldn't take that as a red flag. Really its probably a green flag because if he thinks he's a bit undeserving of you or lucky he'll probably treat you better, since he won't think you'll stay around just for the looks.
    Also if your worried about him finding self esteem, you'd be helping him more by saying him and showing him that his current self image has wrong.

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  • I feel like I can relate to this guy all too well. I don't think there's anything wrong with him so far.
    He may be "broken" but I bet he's truly selfless and will treat you amazingly, as though you mean the world to him, because you will mean just that, and he'll likely be afraid to lose you as long as you treat him well too.
    He probably has a very realistic outlook on life, which is actually very healthy.
    As for the self-discovery thing, he can still do that in a relationship. Speaking from experience, it certainly helped to have that special someone with whom I felt closer than even my immediate family. And I was devastated when I lost her.

    The only possible downsides I can think of are that he may be depressed (not to a suicidal extent), but having someone by his side may help with that, and he may not be very close to his family. That may or may not be a red flag, but that really depends on the family.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • My guy was the same way. And all it took was to help him build himself back up. Sometimes a woman can make a huge difference in making him realize his worth.

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  • I would stick it out with him.
    He's obviously aching and in need of tender loving care.
    Be that for him, give him complements, but tone them down. The key is too not give complements so much that they become meaningless. Give him a small but very meaningful compliment every know and then. And don't let them be all on his appearance. Complement his smarts, tell him how kind or how funny he is, or if he lends you a hand, tell him how much you appreciate the gesture.

    You can't force him to love himself. You have to show him love. Gradually, he will grow in himself and the past and its hurt will be just a memory.

    Best wishes and much love! ❤

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 49

  • You seem attracted to him, both physically and for his personality, so I say go for it. It will take time for him to realize that he has low self-esteem that has distorted his view of himself, so you will have to be a bit patient with him.

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  • This is not a red flag issue. Hes' just not sure were he falls into on the grand scale of things. It happens at different ages or stages in life but most people have questions about their looks or appeal. If you have read comments on this site, women are full of doubts about their looks, behavior and social skills. Don't avoid him for these reasons. You may be part of his self-discovery.

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  • He sounds like a genuine nice guy. Experience caused him to be like that. If you can change his perspective about himself motivate him, that would be the best thing you can ever do to a person. He'll be The best S/O if you treat him right.

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  • He could get over the insecurity with time, he just sounds like someone who didn't get complimented a lot growing up and it makes him feel uncomfortable like the compliment is working up to an insult.
    Sometimes its also caused by lack of affection.

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  • On here, it's obviously not a red flag because... well i'll let you figure out why lol.

    In actuality you have a real possibility of ending up with one of those people who walk around with a raincloud over them everywhere. They sucking the fun and confidence out of *you*. Insecurity might even lead to jealousy the moment you don't reassure him.

    Question is, how much patience do you have?

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  • Is this secretly me? Lol.
    Similar backstory but I'm not bad, I don't like compliments but I don't cut myself down either.
    But I remember after I asked my girlfriend out and she actually said yes it was a huge confidence booster and then over the course of our many dates I got more and more confident where I was like "this chick actually fucking likes me. Jesus I'm actually doin' it, I'm doin' something right". We've been together over a year now.
    Anything is possible. Don't write it off.

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  • No its not necessaryly red flag. He could just need a confidence booster. i find myself unattractive sometimes and want people to tell me im handsome hot or sexy. Its just a confidence thing. But nah it ain't a red flag in my opinion

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  • No, woman would ever like a guy who is overly insecure. Okay, it's fine to have insecurities and everyone has some or the other insecurities but they should know how to handle those insecurities.

    Hence if a guy has too many insecurities and instead of handling them effectively he only keeps showing them, that will surely put a woman off.

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  • Every human on this earth is insecure about his looks, so no its not a red flag.

    "Basically, he can’t handle compliments and calls himself ugly and that nobody likes him".
    He is trying to be humble. But he is going to such a extent that it makes him look stupid instead.

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  • He sounds like a decent guy but that last sentence made even me want to kick his ass (and i'm not a bully). He needs to toughen up a bit for his own good. low self esteem is one thing. Finding not value in yourself whatsoever is another.

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  • Exactly me, only i'm Never bullied.
    Don't avoid him

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  • I think you should help him out. If you let him lead his road to self discovery it will most probably make his situation worse. Keep complimenting him and try explaining to him about how the horrible things that has happened to him lowered his self esteem and his opinion of himself...

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  • "Should I avoid this type of guy for his own good where he can be on the road of self-discovery?"

    NO. You ARE already part of his road to self-discovery, and you SHOULD BE a better part of that.

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  • No. The red flag is the guy who is secure about his looks because then he is going to be an alpha douchebag who is likely to cheat on you or leave you for the next piece of ass (who looks better than you) that he feels secure that he can get.

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  • Every one has a flaw his is obvious if you want an actual lasting relationship you're gonna face these kinds of obstacles and if you want to make something out if it you will have to give effort and time into it with him and try to help and you're gonna face obstacles in any relationship by the way

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  • He is suffering from childhood tramua for lack of a better term. I wouldn't say avoid him, just occasionally compliment him and encourage him to think better of himself.
    Possibly even ask some random people to say something nice about him to him.
    Maybe in a few months look into asking him to see a psychologist

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  • No, it's not a red flag unless he doesn't make any progress. I was the same way, grew up overweight, bullied, etc... Then I meet this girl, and she was so nice and supportive of me, I started to change without realizing it. I ended up losing weight, and I'm confident now, we never dated or anything like that, but she's one of the most important people that has ever been apart of my life

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  • Well I am/was like him. Don't know if I'm "handsome" or something but I know I judge myself hard.
    What you can do is trying to help him knowing that it will take a lot of time and patience or let someone else do it, because he will never be fine by himself

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  • Why should it be a red flag? Surely he is handsome, like everyone who doesn't fit in society because they go for nice and honest instead if false and beautiful

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  • If you like him be there for him, amd build him up, be his rock. Avoiding this could also help but you could get something more out of this. I know because im in his position, even tho im not handsome. Be his girl who thinks the night and day of him

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  • He needs to grow some balls. If you like masculine men, then, for your sake, I would call it a red flag. It's a red flag on his masculinity. He might be a really great guy. But that's only half the equation. If you want to be the one wearing the pants, go for it.

    It sounds to me like he does need to go on the road to self-discovery. If you want to be on that road with him, you can try it. But, if you plan to leave if he doesn't change, I would tell him that up front.

    But don't think that you will bolster his confidence by continuing to compliment and support him. That needs to come from inside him. The only person who can fix someone is themselves. Other people can help, but it needs to come from them, mostly.

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  • he wants to make sure everything is right to make sure your happy with it

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  • No it's not a red flag I understand what he is talking about he just needs you to be there and yeah it's going to be hard but you need to be there for him

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  • I'm not entirely sure if it would be a red flag... but ask yourself a few questions... let's talk in private (message me)

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  • I'm one of those guys. Feeling like damaged goods cause every relationship I've been cheated on. He's probably a really nice guy. Go for it

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  • I feel his pain i have been bullied and have a very low self esteem but i can't go thro the battle alone we all have flaws.

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  • No, don't breake up with him, if you really like him, that would only hurt him more. But somehow convince him about how good he looks. He will start to believe you, and his confidence will grow.

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  • Well, maybe not the best idea to be in a relationship right away. It could intensify the emotions. Tell him to get some support, and that you think highly of him.

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  • It would be more to worry about, if a guy thought too highly of his looks, or other attributes.

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  • It's one of those situations where you want to save him (in a sense), but its neither your responsibility nor a realistic solution. He needs to become comfortable with himself, by himself

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    19

What Girls Said 17

  • I would PERSONALLY steer clear, he sounds damaged and like he needs to work on himself first. I feel like it'll negatively impact the relationship.

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  • Wow! It’s almost like your talking to me about someone I know! You need to help him work on his self esteem. Keep telling him how nice he is, not just his looks but him as a person too

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  • Insecurity is a self destructive thing. If he isn't easy to be consoled and won't come around to being validated if his insecurities... than you can possibly be looking at a relationship where you will constantly feel like a therapist to him. How much are you willing to help him see his value?

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  • Nope, but being patien is great in my books! He might come around eventually... once both get to know each other. Its possible.

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  • help him fam, guys go through these things and people ignore them never wanna help them or be there for them. Be "that" girl the one that actually cares about guys and know that they ca go through things too. trust me you will win his heart. ( i speak from experience)

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  • It's fine, some guys just aren't very confident, he will open up once he becomes more confident. My boyfriend was the same, he's a big guy and had zero confidence when I met him but now he's the most outspoken weirdo ever haha wouldn't give him up for the world though

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  • Well then a lot of girls would have red flags waving too. I was pretty insecure about my looks in high school and therefore had bad self esteem issues.

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  • talk to him, don't let him joke about his looks. reassure is key, maybe one day you can help him see himself the way you do. if you do avoid him, please, do not do this suddenly. it can completely destroy his ego and tear him apart, it would have to be slow distancing in a mutual way. he's damaged, that means there's only time to get better.

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  • Hmmm its a sign of years of being told he was unattractive. Self hate is bad and unhealthy, but he is clearly suffering. Maybe try and help him as much as you can

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  • no i 'll give him an another chance to grab my attension if nor again if he fail again i'll give then ill leave him and let him know that he have missed the given chances

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  • Maybe stay friends with him for a while. You can help build him up

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  • Insecure people tend to ve very jealous and controlling with their partners.

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    • be".
      I bet the guy has good qualities. I think you should take everything on account and make the balance.

  • No it not a redflag

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  • It's fine.

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    • He's a keeper. Just go easy on the attention as it seems to upset him. I can relate. Almost exactly. Dump him and it will reinforce his beliefs.

  • Nah. I want the second best finish project!

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  • Not really but I don't see how cheating is abuse.

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  • Find someone more confident

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