Why do I always sabotage my relationships?

There’s a guy that I’m into and he has told me he loves me. We started off dating, and I’ve known him now for four months. But I haven’t told him I love him back, even tho I do. I push him away, and I get distant half the time we’re together.

I don’t want to get attached because then it’ll hurt when he leaves. Everyone leaves eventually.
What is wrong with me?

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Are your parents together? Probably it's a bad model from your parents. Not all relationships fall apart. My parents are pretty old and live together rather in balance.

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    • My dad passed away before I was born. And my mom left me at my grandmas when I was 12 and just never came back.

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    • Turn you brain on. You are sabotaging your relationship because of your past experiences.

    • Sure. But that still has nothing to do with overcompensating.

  • Look at your past: someone obviously made you feel abandoned, and so you live in fear of losing anyone - to the point that you'd rather not have anyone than risk losing them. But you can't have success unless you're willing to risk losing - and, yes, sometimes you'll lose, but you'll survive and move on.

    Anyway, what you're doing/feeling is fairly common, especially for girls who have lost (or never had) their father/father figure, but it could be anyone in your life. The answer is the same, though: you have to risk to win.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • It can be a coping mechanism. Maybe you have been hurt badly, betrayed and/or traumatized in the past and you don't want it to happen again. That's completely normal.
    Talk to your partner, explain how you have been feeling lately. Do it in baby steps, you don't have to tell everything at once. Start for example by "I'm sorry if I act so distant, I do care about you but I have a hard time showing it". I'm sure he'll understand. Don't lose hope about this, I'm rooting for you

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  • Same girl, same.
    Honestly you just have to let go at some point you have to let go and take the risk. Know that you do not need to fear attachment because you can choose whether to become attached or not using sense, knowledge and intelligence. If you’ve lost someone before and that’s the reason you have a fear of getting hurt then maybe consider councelling. Nothing is wrong with you. You’ve just got a fear of commitment and you recognise that which is a good start. You just need to work on yourself more💛

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 21

  • Sounds like low self-esteem from previous bad relationships (not only with boyfriends, can be with your Father as well).

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  • 1. a woman that finally acknowledges that they ruin their own relationships...
    2. a woman that needs the Church of Diesel in her life
    3. "Everyone leaves eventually"... omg... thought i was the only one. Thats why the Diesel System was created... so people dont leave.

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  • Not everyone leaves. But I'm dealing with someone that's similar too the way your feeling.. and i feel like leaving because of a fact that she won't let any on in. Me being almost 27 I'm gonna give her 3 years. To let me in her life or i will walk. Not gonna spend the rest of my days trying to get someone to open up. I want a family and a life with one person. By the time I'm 35 I'm giving up all together on relationships. Work work work is my alternative

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  • I don't know what issues you have. Fear of intimacy? commitment? etc? For your current and future happiness, you ought to go to a counselor and sort through your issues, so you can form good, long term relationships. You will be happier just from what you will learn, and of course, even happier with a mate.

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  • Iktf, but i like to think maybe its because i never felt it for real and that one day, with someone else, i will. I mean if they always feel like im distant its probably because i am, because i dont really feel it with them despite if im telling myself otherwise. Not sure if its the best way to think though, maybe i shouldve opened up more. Yours sincerely Not Sure

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  • Yes - You very likely do, otherwise you would not be asking yourself this question.

    Honestly, why are you putting it out like this? You could be doing some introspection instead of this worthelss (for yourself, and everybody else) attention-seeking.

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  • So from what I can tell your solution to your problem is also the cause of your problem. If you stay distant he'll get the idea you're disinterested in him and leave. You keep your distance so when he leaves you won't be hurt as badly. Relationships require you to open up and be vulnerable. If you're not able to do that then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship. If you can manage to open up more you'll have a much easier time keeping guys around.

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  • Fear of commitment. Will you say you will never get a job cause ur afraid you will get hurt and fired. Lol its sama idea. Life is full of surprises. Biggest losses is not getting to try. Worst decision to make is not taking the falls when you're young because life gets harder as you get older. Mistakes and heart breaks is what makes us more mature. Life lessons. Is what we all need. But don't let it stop you from moving forward.

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  • Nothing, security is something everyone desires, my advice is talk to him let him know what is going on. The only way you can stop the self sabotage, people always ask how older generation relationships last and talking is how communication with your partner is key

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  • Look, the truth is... anybody you'd ever meet will hurt you somehow. You got to take risks to get reward, and sometimes you don't even see it...
    But out of all of the people that are going to hurt you, you gotta find the one worth suffering for (;

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  • No pain, no gain. Often the greatest triumphs require taking great risks.

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  • > Everyone leaves eventually

    This here's gonna cause a lot of problems. You're never going to fly if you don't jump, even if it's a risk of falling.

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  • Don't worry if you know that someone really loves you hi will never abandoned you 🤗 i hope you will be get better.

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  • You are perfectly normal. More people than you know do the same thing. As sad as it is. Most everybody will get hurt. But I couldn’t imagine going through life never knowing love. The kind of love that can only be when you let go and trust somebody. What if they are the one that was meant for you and you pushed them away. You will know when it’s the right time/person. Besides, there is always the chance that you may never be hurt like that. Maybe because your more cautious. Maybe your lucky. Who knows. Let life lead you down paths of wisdom, happiness and love. Everything is possible.

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  • You've got issues. Work through them or expect the same results

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  • 4 months isn't enough time for feelings of love. Sorry but your insticts are doing you justice

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    • I’ve known him for two years. We’ve been friends for two years. I’ve been dating him for four months. My instincts are perfectly fine. And even then. My grandparents knew each other for two months before they got married and they’re still together. Not everyone is like you.

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    • Your comment made no sense. I didn’t realize you had a head injury too. Sorry to hear about that. Bye (:

    • Head injury? Who has the abandonment issues here lady fam? Play dumb all you want. I can do this all day

  • Fear
    Of
    Abandonment

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  • You should listen to the song tragic endings

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  • Just say to him that you love him, simple as that.

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  • Fear of commitment

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  • Just break up with him

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What Girls Said 11

  • someone hurt you. someone taught you to love this way. nothing is wrong with you, you just have areas you have to heal within yourself.

    read the four agreements. this book is very powerful and transformational tool.

    regardless of what your past tells you, you deserve and will find someone who will stay

    💛

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  • I'm rather the other way round I always believe that someone I like isn't gunna like me or that they're too good for someone like me. I've liked a couple of people in the past and then didn't ask for their number just because I'd thought they're too good for me. It's only lately I'm getting out of that mindset.

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  • I’m the same you’re putting up a wall it’s probably for your own benefit tbh cause your prob like me if you’d start loving someone and allow yourself you’d love hard and honestly with passion and as openly as your heart could ! I’d say don’t say it until u know for certain the man is all in and he would be the one to assure u and put down all your walls love him but at the same time protect your heart say it back but control your emotions

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  • I always do the same, there isn’t anything wrong with you some people are just scared of having no control over their emotions because it allows another person to hurt you. It’s only know that I’ve gotten that but older I’ve been able to control my emotions and not overthink to every little thing. Just take one step at a time and tell him if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

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  • No there's nothing wrong with u. I feel the exact way. I'm terriblly afraid of heartbreaks 2 Because every thing doesn't last forever😊

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  • Tell him you love him before it’s too late. You can’t fight your feelings. Shit he might be the one girl.. you never know

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  • Your mind is wrong get a doctor. Im not one so I can't give you help.

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  • Maybe you got pain bcs of your exes

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  • Dunno

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  • Girl I do the same thing. It’s something that I can’t help even when I try to hard not to. I think it has a lot to do with my troubled past. So once you figure out how to not do this let me know. Because this is something I want to fix

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  • Everyone will leave if you keep it up, and you'll blame them rather than your own behavior. I'm with a guy who has this mentality and I've almost left him several times. We could be happy but that mentality fucks it up. Be happy. You're going to be hurt more often than you're not but if you keep this up, you'll have only unhappiness with no joy at all.

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    • I never blame it on the guy. I know I’m fucked up. But thanks for assuming shit.

    • I apologize. Re-reading my response, I realize how heartless and accusatory I was and I'm sorry for that. I feel like I pushed my issues into your question and that wasn't fair. I think I more so intended to share the other side of being in a relationship with someone who seems to act as you've described yourself and it is a painful role to fill. It wasn't fair of me to assume anything. I apologize again and wish you the best.

    • Okay. No problem.

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