Why after 8 months does being cheated on still hurt?

I was cheated on by my ex boyfriend, who I dated for 1.5 years. He messed with my head so much, and I realize he was very emotionally and mentally abusive at times. He cheated on me. I tried to forgive him. I couldn’t, and he left me in the coldest way. He would try and message me from time to time. However, I have tried to move on. I have been in a very healthy and loving relationship for the past few months now. I am with someone who is everything I’ve ever dreamed of, and makes me never want to go back to my ex.

However, sometimes i find myself thinking about how I was cheated on. I think about the day I found out, and how I wish I had left sooner once things started to not feel right. The pain doesn’t hurt as much as when I first found out. But, it has been 8 months. I wish I could just care less about what happened! Maybe because a part of me blames myself, and wishes it didn’t end that way?

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Things will hurt forever more if you don't lay them to rest. You have to find peace with what happened. That's how we process traumatic events. We remove the trauma from them so that our reaction to triggers isn't to lose our shit. When a memory is filed as being dealt with it is laid to rest. When it is kept as 'pending resolution' then it is always going to cause you problems.

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    • How do I make peace with something like this?

      My first relationship was very abusive emotionally and physically. That took me about 1 year to lay to rest... :/ just one day it stopped bothering me. Do i have to wait for that day to come with this, too?

    • You accept that you can't always control everything and that you are not always the reason why someone else acts like an asshole, nor can you necessarily do anything to prevent it. You can be the best looking, sweetest girl in the world and it still doesn't make you immune to cheaters and abusers.

      You forgive yourself any perceived mistakes and you accept that you did your best. You accept that you were wronged and you accept that this was just a bad person. You lay it to rest that way. It can't be undone and you just waste your own time and energy living in the past. The biggest crime would be letting an abuser steal your future by keeping you stuck in the past.

  • It's the fact that they made you feel like you weren't good enough. That's something that can hurt for years being made to feel like you're not good enough from someone you loved.

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    • Even before I found out he was cheating, he always made me feel hard to love.

    • That's sad to hear. No one should be made to feel that way.

Most Helpful Girls

  • Yes its because he hurt you and left wounds in your heart and spirit - injuries take time to heal - they aren't like benign events that can disappear faster. Remember how your relationship is in comparison to your old relationship and carry that with you.

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  • Being betrayed hurts, and just like any other pain, it takes time to get over. It's been years since it happened to me and I'm in a loving relationship but I still find myself being suspicious and over analyzing things to make sure I don't get hurt again. I believe being betrayed that way alters you. It messes with your self esteem, makes you question how observant and alert you are, and makes you yearn for a chance to undo it somehow. It doesn't mean you aren't happy, you were just mislead and mistreated. You'll be okay though.

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What Guys Said 22

  • It still hurts because you don't have closure yet and are in fear it can happen again. You think you are partially to blame and since you haven't changed something actively to repair that part of yourself you fear your current boyfriend will also cheat on you.

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  • I have been cheated on by a couple different people. I stopped dating for a while as a result. Honestly there isn't much you can do other than move on and dont dwell on the past.

    You live in the present, not the past. Here and now you have something good and you should enjoy it. Worrying about the past stunts the present and will most likely not change your future for the better.

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  • It still hurts, because you are human, and you cared. However, it is time to move on, and you seem to be having trouble with this. You may benefit by seeing a grief counselor, or personal counselor, to work through the feelings.

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  • Honestly, to put my own experience in. I was with a girl all through high school and even a little while after. My first love, but only to find out since around year 2 she had been cheating on me. Almost 5 years together, but 3 wasted. I hated myself, blamed myself for working too hard, being to far, or being too distant. I still blame myself. That was over 2 years ago now, i still haven't come to believe in myself enough to have another lover. It hurts because we feel we aren't good enough to be loved. I know i am, but everytime i get close i push them away, i dont know why. I dont love her anymore, but i still blame myself for all the pain caused to the both of us. It hurts because part of us still clings to the things we used to do. The love, laughter, and even the pain. We clung to it so tight we can't let go until we find somebody that shows us it wasn't our fault. Im pretty sure you're a great person. Dont let your ex get the best of you like i did, i threw away a full ride scholarship because she didn't like football players, only for her to cheat on me with a football player.

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  • Because you don't know how to let go. I was with someone for 2 years she cheated on me with the guy I wasn't supposed to be worried about. It is what it is. Move on. You can't change the outcome it happened. You can only figure out how to attempt to prevent that from happening. I say attempt because it's up to him whether or not he will do it again and you cannot change that he is his own person with his own mind

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  • Same here, been with my ex girlfriend 1 year. She cheated on me once and i actually forgave her, and she had the balls to cheat on me the 2nd time.. I still suffer from time to time.. there s really nothing u can do. Its just your brain realizing how important was that person to you and how he/she was basically laughing at you. It will pass.. i guess.. and hope

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  • anything that you dwell on will hurt untill you let it go. One of my exes cheated on me with my two "best friends" at the time (I walked in on them having a threesome) yeah it bothered me for years because I kept thinking about it and once day I just decided to stop torturing myself with it and I got over it

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  • Perhaps it may never stop hurting but the bottom line is you. Find out the true feelings that you have for yourself. When you are truly knowing that you are ok and a great person just the way you are then your ex will not matter any more. That is why it is really good to meditate and/or talk to a therapist because they help you discover these truths about yourself.

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  • time to quit stewing, learn from it, get over it and move on.
    there are far MANY more fish in the sea that are worth your time and effort.

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  • The hurt never goes away but it will get easier to live with. The problem is it is too accepted these days. Adultery is still illegal in some states but no one takes it seriously.

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  • I don't know some experience it differently, I had a friend that couldn't get over a break up after 6 years. Just try to accept that it wasn't you fault and move on

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  • Realize that what other people do is not your fault. It’s his problem. It’s not your fault he cheated. Cheating is not the answer to someone’s problems

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  • Ask yourself what hurts more the fact you're still living your past allowing someone who doesn't care you exist take over you. Or not planning ahead with someone who is actually there who deserves your attention and love and respect.

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  • Cheaters are the scum of this earth. There should be criminal prosecution for it, so that the victim can receive professional counselling at their expense. Also time before bars would be punishment for committing an act of betrayal. Religion teaches people to not sin, but they do it anyway because they are the devil incarnate :) they can all go to hell and burn.
    (Btw i have never been cheated on - i have however punished my friends for cheating on others and they hate me because the victim of cheating completely cut ties with them, im not sure if it hurt them more that I being their friend made sure of it, or the fact that who they cheated on never came back to them again).

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    • I agree 100%.

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    • oh and im not really much of a believer but since I've got older im seeing more and more evidence.

    • I hope the karma thing is true but I haven't seen any evidence of it myself. My ex cheated on me several times, the guy before me and the guy before that and a lot of people in the small town I live in know all about it but it hasn't hurt her in any way. She has a new guy now and living like a queen mainly due to all the child support I pay. I hope karma kicks her ass, time will tell.

  • It takes time for a person to recover from a former lover’s brainwashing & manipulation.

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  • Yes, and it should. That's one of those things that will come back around if the memory of it doesn't keep you vigilant.

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  • Time heals all wounds, the deeper the wound the longer it takes to heal

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  • You constantly relive your ordeal every time you meet and judge someone.

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  • Because some one you tusted has betrayed you feel that because you still like him
    I think

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  • Could be many reasons for it. No point getting yourself down and just forget about it. You don't know what was going on in his head.

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    • He doesn’t feel bad. He’s just upset he got caught. -_-

  • Because you trusted them

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  • It will hurt forever.

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What Girls Said 10

  • The whole process of the stages of grief lasts up to four YEARS. So don’t beat yourself up too much, you’re okay and normal. Think about it when you need; cry even. Don’t bottle up your emotions otherwise they’ll come out in any way shape or form sooner or later.

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    • Plus,... being cheated on and feeling dumb at the same time, HURTS. I get it girl. Hang in there.

  • Because it has impacted you greatly. When something very hurtful happens in your life it is normal to feel hurt from short to long time. There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re amazing and you are worth way too much to be worried/ hurt because of a person who does not have a good heart. Everything will be okay just keep trying in life. Work on what you are passionate in maybe even join clubs meet new people or travel the world. Be strong sister ❤️

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  • It hurts because you are human and you genuinely cared and loved that guy and sadly you can not erase 1.5years in 2weeks or 8months all i can tell you its that maybe at some point with time it will not hurt anymore.

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  • Be cause U feel like u did something wrong and u feel like you screwed it up and u thought he was the one

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  • U need to get your shit together. I'm sorry but yeah

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    • That doesn’t help...

    • You need a therapist. That's all I can really tell you bc it's going to mess up your future if u dont get help now

  • You have to get over it with time and accept it. But don't focus on it ya know. If you're brooding over it, do something else... read a book, paint, do your nails, anything to get it off your mind

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  • Well that plus the fact that he was abusive is very traumatizing. It doesn’t really take a certain amount of time to heal over it

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  • Because you were betrayed and you trusted

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  • Because u still miss him

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  • Sucks to hear :(

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