Is this equality or laziness?

My boyfriend and I live a ways away, so it's only about twice a month that we physically get together. Usually, we went out to eat - where we split the check. We're both strong believers in equality in relationships; but these days he's not wanting to "spend much". So, he'll buy groceries (which he keeps at his place), and has me cook and do menu planning (because I'm 'better at it'). I usually buy a bottle of wine for us to split which is what I usually did on our old dates anyway. To him, he feels it comes out 'equal'. I don't know, it feels like I'm doing a lot more work here on dates: trying to come up with a menu (he wants to 'try something new' all the time), and I'm having to learn a new kitchen, and I feel kind of lonely too. Especially because he leaves me in the kitchen to go watch t. v. shows and/or play video games until it's "ready" which could be hours. He'll come to my place about 3 times a year. I'm going to his all the other times. Are we still breaking things up equally, or is he taking advantage?

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  • So he is buying all of the groceries with his own money and not splitting the cost with you? That's got to be a hundred dollars a week, especially if he's buying fresh ingredients that you're able to cook decent meals with.

    The average bottle of wine is $40 apparently, cooks typically make $9/hr where I live, so if it took you 3 hours to cook, that'd be another $27. Times two since you visit twice a month, is $54. Your total value of contribution is $94, and even if you added your gas expenses for driving, there is no way that it would reach, let alone exceed the ~$200/mo he spends on the groceries that are used when you visit.

    So numerically, he probably contributes more than you do, and don't forget that he had to work for the money he spent at some point. You just aren't seeing it because he isn't doing it in front of you. However, if you are unhappy with the way the tasks are split up, you could offer to pay half of the groceries and in exchange he does half of the cooking with you.

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    • Actually, if you're going to measure HIS contributions out of it - it's about $27 because I only get the ONE meal - he keeps the groceries. So really, I'm spending by your calculations $94 to his $27 per date.

    • I see, well if that is the case, then it sounds like you need to renegotiate your division of chores.

  • But in all seriousness, I can’t really make a judgement off of this, he might be lazy and trying to get out of doing tasks, or he might legitimately believe that because you “are better at it”, which I would take as a compliment but that’s up to you, and he just believes he should stay out of the way and let you do your thing. That also being said, you say that you aren’t able to meet each other a lot so I do believe that he should be spending the little time you two have alone, together. Find some way to spice it up, maybe wine guessing, I don’t know I’m only 19, but that’s my opinion.

    Just a side note: Equality in a relationship is good and all, but both of you should take pleasure in doing things for each other, I do believe that’s why more traditional marriages and relationships have things split up with one partner doing all of one task and another partner doing all of another, like one taking care of the house and children and the other with money and work. This order has been set out of balance by the majority of women taking up and keeping jobs (whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing is up to you) but that is generally what men take care of and are good at, so the main benefit of getting with a man has been somewhat nullified by women having jobs. It is also why they traditional pay for meals.

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  • U guys are so caught up on equality u would accept being sad as long as it was equal

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