He stood me up, do I message him?

We had already met up for drinks 2 weeks prior so this was supposed to be our second meeting. He has a history of being flaky and changing plans.

We had made plans to met earlier in the week and we were supposed to get drinks again. I told him I would meet him in town after I had a quick drink with my friend who had recently graduated univetsiy.

This was all ok with him however he said something along the lines of “it would have been nice to see ya” and I questioned him on the use of past tense and then asked if we were still meeting? He goes yes we are. However, somehow in the space of 30 minutes he begins to say he had no plans to go out that night and was already in his pjs. I’m like?

He asked to change our drinks to the next night, he wanted to have “real plans” this time. I freaked out a bit because I was literally in the bar waiting for him and all dressed up. I asked him to come in to town and expressed my disbelief that he was going to stand me up at such short notice. He accused me of being drunk when I wasn’t and said he’d talk to me tomorrow. He never did.

Its been 2 days now with neither word between us. I feel there was great miscommunication but I’m also hurt that despite my asking he knowingly left me alone in a bar.

Do I message and ask “What happened the other night” or do I not message and cut my losses?

part of me is really hurt and disappointed in him, like he could have been a lot nicer and followed through with texting me the next day. Another part of me isn’t sure what to make of the situation, he did try making plans to see me on a different day and said it would have been nice to see me but then he gets mean and accused me of being drunk then dismisses me. What should I do?
  • Reach out and message him
    Vote A
  • Cut my losses and not message him
    Vote B
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Updates:
Ok everyone so this guy has been sending snaps to me every 3 days for the past 2 weeks. What is he doing? I’ve been mostly ignoring him apart from telling him to get lost

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Most Helpful Guys

  • So you had a date with a guy, and then you texted him that you were going to meet someone else first. You expected him to just stick around and play second fiddle? I don't blame him for standing you up. He's hopefully found a decent girl by now.

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    • Just so you know he told me he’d meet me after his rugby practice at 8. He told me he was taking a shower at 8:30. My friends graduation finished at 6:45 and I was with her till 8. He was supposed to be on his way into town at 8 and he suddenly decided to change plans. So no I wasn’t expecting him to wait around and that wasn’t the situation at all

    • If that's really your picture in your profile, you shouldn't have any problem catching a dick. Find another guy.

    • As stereotypical as it sounds, he's a jock. Drop him. He obviously values his popularity over you.

  • Disclaimer: I also do not drink in bars for various reasons. One of which is that I only drink hard liquor.

    Note: The following is based on pure speculation and should be discussed in person with him.

    “it would have been nice to see ya” To me seems like he accepted you'd be unavailable, went home and started getting drunk gaming with this friends. At least that's what I would do in that situation.

    Honestly "real plans" means he wanted a date. No alcohol, just a good time.

    P. S. I've ruined plenty of these moments when they came to me, so good luck.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • if he is into you he would not be flaky. that is a truth, not an opinion. if he really likes you he will say "ill be out of town for 2 weeks. i will make plans when i get back". ie. NOT flaky. reaching out makes you look deaparate and like a stalkerish loser. why does this matter now with this guy? it probably doesn't! he doesn't give a flying hoot! BUT when you come off as a desparate loser it WILL effect your self esteem and this could effect the aura you send off to your next date who really might end up being someone of true potential. so I would not message this cureent guy who is clearly a dud.

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  • This hit the spot of flaky people who we unfortunately like and wanna see again. RED FLAG. Dontttt go after him!

    As much as you want to go after him, it’s just gonna hurt you more. He’s alreDy showing red flag signs. Is that boyfriend material? Nope. If you already knew of his flaky history, take that as another red flag he’s not gonna be looking for something real soon or easily. He def caught your attention and that was it. He’s a douche. He made you waited last min. Love yourself enough to go after someone who will also chase you. If he’s not tryna make it up to you, he’s def not for you. Even if there is a misunderstanding, if he wanted you enough, he would clear it. Save your potential heartbreak from him and give your effort and time for someone else who is worth it.

    One day you’ll look back at how confusing it was, but you’ll be happy you dodge this bullet. (: Its how I look back at all the wrong guys that I’ve never worked out with and this is one of them for you.

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 50

  • Being flaky alone is a turn-off, but straight-up standing someone up? Complete fail. Don't contact him and move on completely.

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  • From reading this you guys didn't have set plans like Graduation at 12, drinks with friend at 3. Meet you at X place by 4:45pm.

    Sounds like they were more general loose terms thrown around like, "I'm going to chill with my friend for awhile and I'll see you after". Then no real time and place is given. That would explain him saying having "real plans" vs the idea of you just swinging by for a quick drink after your actual real plans.

    That's about the only way this makes sense to me. Like maybe he has a history with people who drank to much and you drinking before meeting him for more drinks wasn't a situation he wanted? Not sure there. Either way there was obviously some miscommunication. You need to decide if he's worth the call in my opinion.

    If overall he's been cool, with this one hiccup then maybe contact him? Personally if someone acted like that last minute, when we agreed to meet, even if there wasn't an exact time set I would be put off. Like it would be on them to make it right for wasting my time the first go around.

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  • Look, you don't need or want a flaky guy. Even if you go out again this dude he's a flaky bastard that stood you up.

    Have some self respect and flush this turd of a guy. If he contacts you again ignore him or tell him fuck off.

    He's really not worth your time.

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  • This guy sounds like a real flake. Other people (including you) apparently don't really exist for him. Nobody else's needs or feelings matter. He apparently is irresponsible. Do you want a boyfriend like this? You'd never know where you stood. His word means nothing. And if things moved farther (I don't see how they could) what sort of husband and father would he be?

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  • It reads to me like a mutual miscommunication. Neither of you handled it particularly gracefully. I'd say give it one more shot, but if he continues to let you down when you need him, move on. Either he's a little self absorbed, or he's just not that into you.

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  • I feel like you should be straight up with him. But guys react like girls, meaning, if they feel like the person of the opposite gender is being “overbearing” or “needy” they may consider it a turn off. Personally, if a girl stood me up like that I would be pissed and ask her wtf?

    But if I did go through that with a girl I’m assuming she would just ghost me because she either a) doesn’t want to deal with me anymore or b) yo ashamed to talk to me because she knows what she did is wrong which might be what this guy is thinking.

    Worse case scenario, he’s not into you and he doesn’t care for flopping then just realize this is NOT a guy you should consider as a potential boyfriend. There are many single guys out there who use dating apps like Tinder who are handsome, cute, decent looking, who are smart, funny, charming and they can’t find girls. Remember there are better guys out there, and don’t look meet guys in places like bars or clubs. I believe majority of the time the people you meet in there just want sex.

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  • The fact that he blames you for his absence is reason enough not to see him again. I would maybe send a final text that if he’s making excuses not to see you then you’re moving on. That leaves it open for a “big gesture” from him, but my guess is hat he will not come through.

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  • Standing up is 100% red flag, if I was meeting someone I liked and couldn't make it, I'd ring them beforehand, not leave them hanging, and if I was forced to leave them hanging, I would think I'd have informed them of why before they made a post on here, suggesting he hasn't even told you why yet, or said anything, so yeah, walk away, or perhaps run. Your worth an explanation at the least, something he won't give

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  • I can see this all being a huge misunderstanding.

    But you should wait and let him message you to be sure.

    See, if he wants to be with you, he won't let this misunderstanding stand, he'll fix it himself as soon as possible. If he just waits, then he doesn't want to be with you, he wants to play games with you.

    Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

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  • Reach out, I get a feeling he was unsure and thought you were gonna end up with your friend for the night. If he seemed ok otherwise why not make a firm plan (19:00 on Friday at...) And see how it goes. Maybe open the text with something like 'I think there was some miscommunion the other night. Why don't we?'

    f you were looking for a way out anyway don't bother.

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  • Well generally speaking I think people should have a second chance
    Though it here sounds like it might not be worth it
    I think though yes contact explain to him how hurtful it was and hear his defence and then decide if it is worth trying again

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  • I think he has a resentment because you went out with a friend that night, and he wasn't your major focus. He sounds like he has problems in general. If you feel generous, send a short note asking what happened? Then tell him if he feels like getting together it's up to him to figure out when.

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    • this is what girls do, its on purpose, they take another 'guy' friend first and let you know to see how you will take it, its called a shit test. I found myself in this position and because im not desperate i ignored and blocked her. She didn't expect this and approached me but because i showed major disinterest, she blocked me.. but i then approached her and called her out, now we're alrite again. Why shouldn't us guys have resentment over this type of shit test, its outright normal behaviour to feel like we're 2nd best and to ditch. If she wants this guy back she needs to stop playing games and wait til he's calmed down. The girl i know gave me about 4days to calm down, i still hadn't and thats why 'shit tests' are the joke of dating.

  • Time to move on. He clearly has decided not to spend any time or effort on you. Dont waste your time on worthless and find someone great like you deserve

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  • Look here's a thing if a guy any guy stoods you up like that then he does 't deserve you, he should show interest in you which he didn't from what i can tell, so i don't think you should message him wait for him to make the next move or not.

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  • I would say contact him and ask why or what was the reason for him not meeting up with you.. or in your mind it will definitely niggle away negatively at your thoughts of him

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  • Three strikes, he's out. Cut your losses and find someone who will consider your time and your feelings.

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  • well if you hadn't played the shit test you wouldn't be crying over it, just saying becareful what you wish for.

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    • What you did was make him come off as your backup plan /2nd choice in case your first choice didn’t turn up. No desperate guy would accept this. He’s standing his ground like a warrior. I’m afraid you’ve created a tug of war, you’re going to have to contact him and ask him out again because maybe you didn’t give him enough time to chill out, it took me a week before I reached out to her but she approached me in 4days and I showed total disinterest like your guy and then she blocked me. I accidentally bumped into her to fix it.

  • Cut your losses. You seem like a nice person, if he really wanted to be with you he would of made time and been there or at least not cancelled at the last minute.
    You deserve better.

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  • He's obviously not really into you. Move on and find someone who wants to be with you.

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  • To me, it is obvious that you have made a prideful guy feel like he wasn't worth your time, the rest is just his pettiness taking it out on you.
    The crucial piece of information is what the "plans" were and why he was made to think they weren't "real".

    If he made any attempts to set an exact time but they were met with any sort of reluctance on your side, or if you said anything along the lines of "I don't know when we will finish, I will see you afterwards", then I guess there is your answer.

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  • He's beyond flaky, He's downright paralyzed from the neck up. I would never stand you up. Especially over drinks. You are awfully pretty.

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  • NO.

    It's hard enough to deal with flaky girls, but flaky guys? What a pussy.

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  • either he had cold feet last minute or he's lazy and doesn't want to come out or he's trolling you

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  • This is gonna continue porbably just tell him what you want and see if he fixes his behaviour but if he doesn't then next guy

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  • Nope. Cut your losses. He would have said something if he cared.

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  • I guess you always have problems with him. He not listen you and respect your life and on the other side he expect you accept all from him.

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  • Nope. Delete his number, never talk to him again. Don’t put up with disrespect.

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  • Sweetheart,.. don't waste any more time with a dumbass kid who can't seem to pull his big boy pants up. I don't mean to be so blunt, but it sounds like to me this kid is still playing bullshit games with you & can't make up his own damn mind up. You gave him that opportunity to be with a beautiful, sexy woman like you & clearly a douchebag like him can't make up his own mind, he doesn't sound very confident nor sure of himself, & he wouldn't appreciate a real good woman like you.

    Hell if anything, I'm sure you can get yourself a man in your life who can appreciate a good woman like you in less than 30 seconds considering that dumbass can't even get to you within 30 minutes.

    You know something? I feel sorry for you. You sound like a girl who deserves much better than this jackass can provide for you, and already that douchebag just makes other great, sweet guys like myself look real bad all because of his stupidy.

    Trust me honey, you are better off without him.

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  • texts once. if you think the explanation is weak move on.

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  • You're just wasting your time when you could have already been with someone not standing you up

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What Girls Said 26

  • Whyyy would you run after a guy who clearly doesn't give a damn about you (sorry), left you there waiting for no apparent reason, doesn't bother to wanna try and make it up to you... He seems to just want you there when he feels like it and that's a huge red flag telling you to get someone better

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  • I want to say forget him but I know you won't, bc you won't be satisfied until you at least find out what happened, where was the breakdown of communication.
    You're hurt right now he should know that but there's no effort on his part to message you.
    I think you know what you'll get if you end up getting feelings for that guy, hopefully you won't learn the hard way like we all have to sometime.

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  • Maybe he was entertaining another senorita. After having drinks were you a little tipsy? If I were you I would cut my losses and call it a bust. Especially if he has a history of flakiness and standing you up. I'm still trying to figure out what you like about this guy.

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  • He sounds like an a**hole. I don't believe that he didn't have plans to go out that night because you guys already agreed to meet up. Cut your losses and live your life.

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  • I'm a scropio, I suggest revenge!! Which is to block him and be happy. :)

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    • LoL trust me, if she does this, he may pay her a visit and call her out and she will be very embarrassed and have to lie like a crazy biatch. I did exactly this to a girl by accident, I didn’t even know she was standing in front of me and when she turned around and said hello I pulled my broken phone out (she hadn’t believed I’d broken it and thought I blocked her) and showed her my message to her which hadn’t been read 😇😏😏😇😏😏 she got owned. If you play games, expect to be fooled.

    • @Sociopathvictim you are 35, and you write without punctuation.

    • @Sociopathvictim what you said have nothing to do with my comment.

  • Think about, would you really want to go any further with a guy who is flaky and not at all gentleman like... I mean if the guy wants you, make him realize that what he did was soo not okay and he’ll come around, and if he doesn’t come around then he didn’t want anything to do with you in the first place, just keep living your life and he might come back or not but don’t look back unless he actually genuinely is sorry

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  • Honestly you deserve better treatment ignore him and don't give him attention and don't give a 2nd chance.

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  • Messaging him is a sunk cost fallacy. You already lost time; you can't make it up. Don't waste more.

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  • Cut ur losses the least any man can do is make an effort and I just think he's just not that in to u if he was he would have tried harder so ignore him block his no. Truecaller is a great app try tht

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  • Nope don't, he isn't worth the time you put in. Standing you up is very obvious he isn't interested.

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  • Text him and say you don’t know what happend, but you thought you were aupposed to meet up. bye.

    But don’t waste your time on this idiot.

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  • Sounds like he has a girlfriend, I would walk away. He's just playing you. Dump him and move forward.

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  • Nooo, if you are going to message him that will come over as desperate. Ignore that little fool. Your time is worth more than him :)

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  • I would message him, but only to call him on his bullshit. Sometimes life gets in the way. The guy I’m currently seeing did this a few weeks ago when we were supposed to meet for dinner. I sat through an appetizer and dinner by myself, as I was leaving the restaurant I texted him “What th hell happened to you tonight.” The guy called me within 15 minutes apologizing and saying he mixed up the days and thought we were meeting the next day. He was at the restaurant ten minutes later and even bought me a drink to make it up to me.

    Call him out. If he’s a decent, nice guy he’ll apologize and make it up to you, and he’ll respect you for it. If he’s a douche, he’ll make excuses and deuce out (bye Felicia). Either way, he’ll know he can’t get away with that crap.

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  • If I read you correctly, you both had a date, and he didn't keep that date and said he didn't want to come out that night?

    If he didn't keep his words, especially breaking a date at the last minute, he's not worth your time and energy. If he doesn't value you, then don't you value him.

    Another thing with this situation is that, it could be more than just his poor behavior - he could've been sleeping with somebody else at that time and just decided not to meet. He's not trustworthy, either because he doesn't keep his words, or he could've been cheating. Time to treat yourself better.

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    • Plus I think that if the 2 of you always meet for drinks only, not a proper date without much alcohol, he might not have taken it seriously, and how serious can you 2 get anyway? That's my question. I mean, a lunch with some wine is okay, but if you're always meeting at bars for drinks, I doubt that you'll get a gentleman who's going to treat you right. Unless a serious relationship isn't in the plans of both of yours, but then don't be too surprised to encounter a guy who only drinks with you when he needs you.

  • He's not worth your time. Find someone else who cares enough about you to be reliable.

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  • Cut your losses. He's not into you. Those are all signs that a guys isn't into you.

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  • Cut him loose why should you get dressed up for him if he not gonna show. He not worth your tears!

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  • U dumb? It was obvious when he stood u up. I would have blocked his ass that night.

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  • Move on. Doesn’t seem worth the time.

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  • He turned you down due to his own reason.

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  • Ghost him

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  • Cut your losses.

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  • No move on he's not interested

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  • I don’t know, the reasonable answer would be not to message him. But in our days, ghosting and behaving like this has become something that people do without even thinking that on the other side there’s another person who will be unhappy about it. I think “moving on” and letting mit be jut means they will never have to think what they did had consequences. Lately when a date ghosts me I always write, not to see them again but to tell them it’s not nice they ghosted me. I just think people should be made aware of that and they should feel guilty for that because it’s an horrendous trend.

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  • It’s just the beginning of being disappointed further. My biggest regret and flaw is that I don’t cut things off and let go of someone as soon as they show me they’re no good for me/selfish, etc. I always stay and try to see the good in them. Make excuses. If he continues to be this way... cut him off. No explanation given to him. Just go.

    Talk to him over the phone... make plans...
    But if he screws up again... be done.

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    • Block his Snapchat. Then if he adds you again, deny it.

    • It’s your life, not his.

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