What's wrong with dating a guy who has a kid?

I've noticed that some of the girls I've gone out with or met, get turned off when they find out I have a little girl. I don't understand it. It has nothing to do with us dating unless we were to get serious. If you meet a guy and you like each other enough to go on a date, then find out he has a kid, does it turn you off? Why? If you are ok with it, does it still affect the way you feel about him? My daughter doesn't live with me. So I'm not sure why it matters, if we're just dating.
Updates:
So many answers, lots to think about. Most are really good answers that make a lot of sense. Some sad, depressing. A few cold, hateful ones. But thank all of you for your opinions, and a thumbs up to the single dads who answered. You're awesome.
Conclusion: If being a loving responsible dad is a bad thing, so be it. I'll accept that title with pride.
Be Asexual. Just occasionally pick up a trashy girl to satisfy the urge. Plenty of those around. Lol.
Nice guys finish last, lots of truth in that.
Learn to be like all the other guys.

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Most Helpful Girls

  • I love kids, and single dads are as awesome as any other man in this earth! You my lovely are worth everything, and the right woman has not presented to you yet, and she will love you and everything about you and people and whoever is in your life. Just keep your chin up and keep on dating, dont give up thats why its call dating... if you realy want someone, she will come, but it takes time and place and the right time. Please dont give up... i know if i were there i would love you for being a parent and it shows that you care about your daughter, and hey she comes first before anyone else! She is your main priority and girls will come and go, but your daughter shell be there for you bc you're a dad that she will come to admire in your life! the most... so i think your one great dad and i know there's someone out there for you, just not the right time just yet!! All the hope and best to you. Its not a turn off to me, its actually wonderful to me, kids are my life, i love them. Hugs x

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    • Thank you!

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    • It was well deserved! My pleasure.

    • Thank you love. Many many hugs. Have a sweetest day ever! 😊

  • I have respect for those who do it. But having seen it from my mum's experience, I don't think I could do it. I have 2 older siblings that my dad had from another marriage and the younger (of the 2) just caused my mum constant agro from the get-go. She did everything to help and be nice and he threw it back in her face. Then I mentioned something my brother (of the same parents) told me about our childhood and he accused my mum of brainwashing me! So now, unfortunately, we don't really talk. He's not disowned but he showed that he's still not got over the fact our dad moved on (despite his mum moving on before him). On top of that there was a lot of crap from his mum too, so because of that I couldn't possibly do it. But if you're one of those who can, then fair play to you. If I was dating someone that had children however, I'd hope they'd tell me and not hide it, I'm not expecting to be introduced straight away or anything, but to know about them would be helpful for me.

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    • I've seen that in my family too. It sucks. I'll never want to live like that though.
      But just going on a date, it shouldn't even be an issue. (Shrug)

    • Yeah just innocent dating, it really shouldn't!

Most Helpful Guys

  • I'd guess it's for the same reasons that I would never date a woman who had a kid. Some of the things I say might sound a little harsh, but this is the way I think.

    Firstly, kids are hard work. I know that now especially because I have two. You have to put in a lot of time and effort to raise them properly, and you have to make a lot of sacrifices. I love children but the only time I'd ever be willing to do that would be for my own children.

    Secondly, to me it's just a red flag. What I looked for when I was trying to find someone I wanted to be in a serious relationship, along with the obvious things such as compatibility, shared interests and things like that, was someone who I thought was also 100% loyal and 100% committed to staying together, working on any problems in the relationship.

    So many people nowadays are incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship long-term. They don't try hard enough to fix their problems, so they end up splitting up. I never want that to happen - especially with children. It's so important for children to be in a loving household with both of their parents, in a healthy relationship/marriage. Many people don't understand that, they make all kinds of excuses and they basically have an attitude of "eh, shit happens, whatever". They don't care enough, they think it's no big deal. I could never be with somebody like that long term, I can't trust those people especially because they couldn't even keep it together when they had kids, never mind without them.

    It doesn't matter whose fault it was. If it was her fault, then she caused that break up leading to a kid being raised in a broken home. If it was his fault, she chose to have kids with him. Either way it's a sign that a person makes bad decisions, and when that decision involves kids and impacts them it's even worse.

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  • The girls' comments above say it all. Women usually do not want to waste their time on a date with a guy they know they can't be serious with due to a dealbreaker or two, and most consider it a dealbreaker if he does have a kid (and be glad you don't have three like I do).

    Make sure you make it clear that your child does not live with you and that you don't need the girl you want to date to be a stepmother or some kind of mother figure to the kid. Also tell her what sort of visitation schedule exists, because they may otherwise assume you have your child on weekends and holidays.

    Most women around the age your dating pool probably consists of don't want to be around someone else's young kid on the weekend instead of hanging out and going places with their boyfriend, and they have plenty of guys to choose from who don't have kids.

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    • Yes. And those are the ones I don't need to have around. I wouldn't want a girlfriend who might mistreat her because they resent her.

    • Oh, and to be honest, if I could have two more just like her, I would actually love it.

    • Rather than maltreatment, you'd have to worry about resentment or jealousy.

      I'm glad to hear that you are up for having some more kids, but be sure to do it within the confines of a stable relationship.

Recommended Questions

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 57

  • Nothing if it works for you, i want to have my own children with someone, so them already having kids with someone else is a dealbreaker to me.

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  • I married a man with kids, dated men with kids before I ever had kids of my own... so speaking more from what I hear from other women or reasons I broke up with men with children.

    It’s hard to keep things casual when children are involved. I got attached to the child (ren). I either needed to remain platonic or get serious.

    Some women don’t want to compete for your affection/attention with a child because they are still children (or have daddy issues, they’ll never admit it).

    They never want children and they’re afraid they may get attached to you someday so it’s easier to cut ties now.

    You have different parenting styles.

    Baby mama drama. If I didn’t love my husband so much, the baby mama drama would be enough to tear us apart. They’re nuts. But I love the kids. I love my husband. And someday, the kids will be 18 and I won’t have to deal with them ever again.

    The dynamics can be different if it was a divorce/LTR vs teen pregnancy vs accidental pregnancy with a short term relationship...

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    • Thank you for a good, if disappointing, answer. I think you may be exactly right.
      I suppose I am biased. In my eyes, I'm like, who wouldn't want to be around her every other week? Lol
      And baby mama drama, I totally get. Daddy drama too. I stay out of her business but if I thought she was dating someone who might be a danger to my little girl, I can see myself going off too.
      So did you and your husband never have a child together?

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    • I read your update. My husband was a player before me. He never brought his conquests around his kids. I was the first one around them. Which, of course, made all the THOTs pretty angry. They’re out there. It’s easier if they also have kids. We started out slow as play dates with the kids (and snuck off to make out in the closet). We didn’t come out as dating until a couple months later to the kids. Lol.

    • I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you have better luck with this planned pregnancy.

  • I mean, some people feel like it's you holding onto a piece of your ex, which is true in a sense, but this is your kid for crying out loud, it's different! I don't like when people feel like they only can love someone without "baggage", it's just not cool. They should love you for you, and your daughter for her, as she is a part of you, and a big part of your life, so whoever gets with you needs to accept that they need to love both of you, and not just storm away like that.

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    • Holding on... you can't just forget your kid exists. How would those people feel if their dad walked out of their lives and never saw them again?
      Or maybe they already had that happen to them.
      I'll never do that. My daughter doesn't live with me, by the way.
      Thanks for replying.

  • If you are a good dad nothing is wrong with that. Find someone who deserves you and your child. Just say I have a kid and if they leave, earlier the better. You dont have to waste your time with them.

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  • How soon do you tell them? I Can see how it could be a turn off if it's the first thing you tell a girl because she will start envisioning the other woman you were with, and she will either get jealous or feel pressured. Either way, she'll feel less significant. So, she will lose interest

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    • As soon as we start talking about personal things, like family. Or, if they ask, I'll tell them.
      When I didn't tell them right away, they felt I was being dishonest or hiding it.

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    • You sound really smart and mature for your age. More than a lot of people my age.
      The thing is some of them get so offended if you don't tell them. If I hide it until we get close, she may be hurt and angry that she wanted so much time on me, not to mention her feelings when we have to break it off.
      So really either way can be bad.

    • If it's like the first date, I wouldn't care. But if I was like in love i would worry about it because I don't know if I could be a good mother.

  • I wouldn't mind it, but maybe not this early in life. I'm only twenty, I'm not ready to feel any maternal duties yet, but maybe in my later 20s if I'm still single. I don't mind children and as long as any baby mama drama isn't beyond a level I can handle, why not?

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    • I'm not asking them to be maternal. Just dating.

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    • I guess I didn't realize I was doing that. Pretty pathetic.

    • you aren't, it's just a red flag for a lot of people because a lot of guys who call themselves nice aren't nice at all and are just super intitled

  • Mmmmm. For me, it doesn't. If I am really into the guy, it wouldn't matter at all. So I guess, the girls you've dated with either, not just into you that much or shallow minded girls. Well, it's a good thing that you know the personality early though. So maybe they're not the right one for you that's why.

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  • A lot of the time, kids are extra baggage. Its a physical reminder you felt "in love" enough to have a child with somebody else. It's a whole other being that needs care, attention, and a child could put strain on the relationship if they don't like the woman. It's a big commitment and you can't expect any woman to just jump into it.

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  • in my opinion- absolutly nothing. I just have to say this thing, even if it's not my plaxe because those kind of things happen often. Please do not put your girlfriend above your kid, ever.

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    • No, never. I usually don't even allow them to meet her.

  • It’s the commitment. Basically ur looking for a forever spouse and a step mom to your child but the women u chose see u as a short term relationship. I have a daughter and haven’t found a guy who wants to be long term it’s always short with a I’m not ready to be committed

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    • I don't think I am ready for a long term relationship. I mean, if it happens, it happens. And I'm not against it. But I do want a love life, preferably with someone who is going to hang out a little while. I'm not into one nighters or sharing.
      Not dating can get pretty boring and lonely really fast. "You're not getting any younger."

  • It's a massive turn off.
    1. I don't like kids.
    2. Not interested in that responsibility. Especially since you're 23 years old, that automatically tells me that you're reckless and not reliable (the mother of your kid is probably the same).
    3. I'm not interested in casual dating.
    4. If a guy has a kid I will never be his priority.
    5. Not interested in the drama.
    6. I want someone who doesn't want the burden of having kids.. like ever.
    7. Don't want to be a potential stepmom.
    ... and shit ton of more reasons, but the same goes for casual dating. I just don't feel any attraction towards a man who has a fucking kid.

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    • Reckless? Irresponsible?
      We dated for years. Lived together, planned to be married. She left, not me.
      I pay my bills, went to college, take care of my responsibilities as a father (many guys don't), don't do drugs, never drink around my daughter, am careful who I even allow in her presence, the list goes on and on.
      If you hate kids, that's fine... that's your loss. But no need to be insulting of those who don't hate them, nor insulting to someone who doesn't deserve your wrath and insinuations.
      Seriously?

  • it's not that the kid is the turnoff, its just the responsibility that comes with it

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    • But there would be no responsibility on my date's part. I mean yeah, if we got married or something but that's like way down the road if wver.

    • its a hasssle, worrying about the kid 24/7, and would affect ur availability too. i guess just thinking bout it down the track.

      though again, it really isn't a turnoff. some girls would defs be willing

  • There's nothing wrong with it but personally, I'm not the 'mother'-type. Like I don't even want own children, not to mention somebody else's..

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    • Why? Your mum got you, why wouldn't you get at least a baby too. I bet you will love them

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    • Why is it so impossible for some people to respect a girl's opposition to children though? I might dedicate a paper on this once I'm done with my bachelors because it would really interest me why there is so little genuine respect for women who choose to never have children or why that standpoint can't even be taken seriously by so many people, especially men.

    • I respect your decision. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that.

  • Turn off for me, I'm pretty jealous so if I'm going to hear about the mother of his child or see her or anything, I would hate it.
    Too dealing with a child that aren't mine so young is tiresome.

    If the girl date for a long terms relationship she's going to be bothered by having to deal with a child that aren't their.
    Guys also don't want to date women who have a child so it's basically the same reasons.

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  • Women that get turned off by this usually don't like sharing or are insecure or just don't like kids. This is a deal breaker or it can get serious. No in between. So women can get spooked at the thought of responsibility /understanding of time sharing. Or they can absolutely love it.

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  • Would you date a woman with kids if you didn’t have any?

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    • Yes, I would. It's just a date. But if we liked each other, and she trusted me around her kids... and I got along with them, I'd be open to more, possibly.

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  • It's the extra responsibility you have. They don't want to be tied down to the only every other weekend doing stuff. I'm married but had a son prior to my husband we worked around my son going to his dads. Also it could be the drama that can associate with having to deal with another person.

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  • I would date a guy who had a kid. But that’s because I was emotionally mature very early and have always wanted kids. The fact that I can’t get pregnant makes it so that I would be welcoming of the kids of my future partner. Some women might be very career orientated which I am also to be honest. So when you are career orientated there simply isn’t time to raise the kid. So if my partner had a kid, I would hope he has co-parentship. But I wouldn’t turn him away for having a little kid because if I chose for him I realise that it is a package deal, that I will have to accept his kids too. And kids need a lot of love, so I would be very welcoming of them and not showing them any of my worries. Everyone is different though. Emotional maturity comes at a different age for everyone,

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    • She lives with her mother. I get visitation pretty much whenever I want.
      Thanks for your reply.

  • because I am not sure I ever want to have kids of my own and I don't want to be stuck with a child

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    • I did date a guy with a child (young daughter) and she caught me and her dd having sex. I was topless and sitting on her dad's face

    • That would be awkward...

  • I was dating this guy who knew i had a kid but he didn't meet him until my son was 4 , i had a kid at 17 , but my friend introduced me to his friends and we were friends for a while and dated

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    • A lot of girls don't even want to go on a simple first date though, if you tell them. Thanks.

    • Well i though guys were worse when a girl has a kid , they wouldn't want to date them

    • A lot of them are.

  • No problem... just know that dating has the highest rate of breaking up. So people who have no problem with breaking up, please date.

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    • Lol. Well you HAVE to date to get to know someone before you can get into a relationship.

    • Not feeling interested at all about dating.

  • They feel a competition between her and your daughter to have your attention and love or competition with you ex, the mom.

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  • It’s not always a turn off. women dating a guy she likes will want their own kids with him, finds out he has a kid... what goes through her mind:
    “thats a big thing to hide to someone you’re dating” “don’t want to take care of 2 people if we get more serious” “want kids with him of my own now I’m going to have to deal with him having his ex in his life” or even “I don’t really want kids”
    Also, it’s a daughter... who is going to be the first girl priority over all others... girlfriend will always come second. not a lot of women are ok with that. If the relationship is serious girlfriend may not want drama that comes with a daughter... if she’s thinking about a future with you. There’s nothing wrong dating a guy who has a kid, just let your date know right away. be transparent about it. It’s usually a turn off because it’s extra hassle, a challenge for a peaceful future, most women dating want a future, it doesn’t involve another ladies child.

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    • I'm very proud of my little girl. So, it's always something I reveal first, that I have one.
      But if it's just a date, I fail to see why it matters.
      Honestly, I am considering leaving that detail out until there is a second date or even a third. If there is potential for a relationship, I don't want to hide anything.
      But, if she can't accept the idea of my daughter being a part of my life, then there is no room for her in my life. My daughter will always come first.

    • I think that’s fair. I agree your daughter should come first. I’m just letting you know most girls you may date want to be first not second even to a daughter unless they themselves are very secure and mature. A women not a young lady.

  • The kid won't bother me if
    1. He/she will live with mom and the guy will have him/her on weekends or something like that
    2. The guy won't have no drama with his baby mama

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  • I wouldn't mind but had u asked me this question at 22yrs I would have said no now I would I wouldn't mind as long as the is no mother of the child problems

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  • Most girls are afraid of having to deal with a problematic ex or just don't like kids.

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    • But they're not even around the girls...

    • Thinking in the long term if things actually go well that would eventually happen.

  • No it's not a turn off for me. Maybe some womans are afraid to get close with guys with kids, because they think that have to take care of that child. When you date someone its nothing wrong if he./she has kid. You may never met and see this child, until you both and little one is ready. So there is nothing to worry about. Even you take care and live with your child without the mother make you stronger.

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  • I don't think I understand. It's just a date right? Why would that matter.
    That's just stupid and immature, and not fair. It's a date, not a wedding.

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    • Josh789, I read some of the comments and I feel so sorry for you. And some of those people just don't have any heart. I hope you don't think all girls are like them.
      You sound like an awesome guy and I think your question and the answers made me see something about MY dad.
      We lost my mom in 2015 and he has barely dated ever since. I always bug him about dating more but he just mumbles and says he isn't bringing a stranger around his family.
      My daddy takes care of me and even if he is too crazy with rules, I know he's just watching out for me and I know he is always there for me no matter what. You sound a lot like him.
      But now I am like, what if he's having the same problem you are? It makes more sense.
      I don't know what I can do about it but now maybe I can understand more. And maybe I shouldn't pick on him about that anymore.
      Me, I think a girl would be lucky to have you. You sound like an awesome person. I hope you find the right girl soon.

      ♡ Hannah

  • I wouldn’t feel important if I was with you due to you caring more for your daughter. Just being honest...

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    • Have you ever loved two people at the same time? For example, your mother and a boyfriend? 2 different kinds of love.
      Everybody in my life is important to me. However, I will not disown my daughter to please someone else. Just isn't going to happen.

  • Doesn't really bother me, I do like kids so I'm fine with it. I think most other people don't like it because it's not their kid and it's a big responsibility. Which both, I have no problem with since I already take care of my nieces and nephews a lot and I do want to adopt a kid later when I'm married (of course I want to have my own kids too). So for the most part, I don't care much about whether they have a kid or not. Plus the biggest point is that it's just dating, I don't even know if I'm going to actually marry the guy, so why would I be bothered?

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  • Show more from Girls
    27

What Guys Said 21

  • There are several psychological issues at work in such a situation. First, most people aren't serial daters. So, even on the first date they're asking themselves if their date is long-term relationship qualified. Only serial daters can overlook major detractors because someone is "good enough for right now".
    Also, most modern women expect to be your top priority, if not the only priority. That's just not possible for a decent single father. You can't drop everything to be at your girlfriend's beck and call with a job and a child that must come first. Most women simply can't handle that you won't be as easily manipulated. Furthermore, most women want their own kids. Women your age aren't considering adoption or blended families. They think they'll meet Mr. Right and start the perfect nuclear family from scratch. Co-parenting is difficult when you have equal biological and legal interest in the kids. It's a monstrous undertaking when one "parent" is a newcomer. Both men and women of all ages have faced this challenge and failed. Lastly, even if you get past all those other challenges, blended families can be extremely difficult to manage. Between your financial responsibilities to your daughter, and ultimately her mother, co-parenting with at least 2 different mothers, managing your own time as well as the children's schedules, keeping the romance alive with your current partner, and frankly, maintaining your sanity, your hands will be full. As I said before, women expect to come first. So your chances are slim.
    Oh yeah, and one more thing. Women, just like men, want to feel special. While men value virginity to boost their pride, women value unprotected sex and child rearing to boost theirs. You're not a catch now that women know you'll bareback any ol' skank. Even if that's not how it went down, you'll never convince a woman otherwise. As far as most women are concerned, we're all indiscriminate humping dogs carrying a virtual Petrie dish of disease and infection. You're trying to raise proof of your mistakes. You've got your work cut out for you.
    Good luck!

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    • Reality is pretty sad, isn't it?

    • Well, look at the bright side:
      if she gets past the first date, she's obviously pretty special!
      Not all of us get that significant qualifier so early on. Just relax, focus on yourself and your own little lady. Even if "the one" never comes around for you, you have a commitment to keep. One that directly ties you to the quality of women available to the next generation. Don't take either of those responsibilities lightly.

  • Cuz divorcees with children already have too much on their plate. A new fling will NEVER be the #1 priority - EVERYTHING else will come before them.
    Worse, your children don't need strange women (or men, in the case of single mother) parading in and out of their lives. They need your complete attention, whatever you have left after working and running a household.

    So no, you need to raise your kids first. THEN, when they're grown and gone you can give dating a try again. Till then you're preoccupied.

    Oh, and stepping has to be THE WORST job ever. Regardless of the effort or accomplishment, they will NEVER be properly appreciated, by either you nor your children. And if their mother is still in the picture the step-monster will always be the enemy. And a step NEVER has final say on anything, in fact rarely have any validity to what they say at all, and pretty much zero authority.

    Look at any single parent dating profile and the first thing they'll say is "my kids are my number one priority". As well they should be, but that precludes a new date.

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    • On update...
      You're making a little more sense on your update. It's fine to do a few, but bringing on into your family is gonna be pretty tough. You may find one that doesn't want to have her own children, but wants to be a mother anyway. My daughter did that, and she's happy with it. So far at least. She has about ten years on you.

      "... unless we were to get serious." This is what it's about. Generally women don't just date for entertainment - they're looking for a mate, a partner, and SO.

      If I were you I'd have a slew of plates, do them randomly. Outside of the time my kid was with me. Surely nothing wrong with that.

  • Find a woman who has a kid in your range, then set up play dates for the kids. While the kids are playing, converse about different things. Then you might be able to get an adult date.

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    • Two parents is a more complicated situation than one parent and one non-parent.

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    • I have ear plugs. Just gotta have plenty of tokens.

    • Lol, that place I've had plenty of run ins with shitty parents. When your kid (who is around 10) steals my 5 year olds tokens and tickets, the kid isn't getting punished... The parent is

  • I think your problem is not You but the society's mentality of your status. It's easier for women to date a guy who's single (supposedly) without attachments because they can call, meet, chat, date etc. Knowing that the guy has nobody else in his mind than the person his dating. But in your case it's complicated because you are attach to your daughter, you will never put anyone above your daughter thus, your dates will be feeling like a second person after your daughter or worse feel the need to compete for your attention. Plus, let's not forget the drama with your baby mama that's another problem for them to consider. So, the end result of their assessment is that "you are too much drama to handle and you are not worth it"(even if is just dating or casual).

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    • And yet they'll date a guy who dates several other girls, and that's ok with them. Crazy as hell. I hear you bro.

    • Unfortunately that's the sad truth, bro.

  • Been through the same thing with my son and my son doesn't even live with me. I see him every 2 weeks so the whole thing is just crazy.

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    • Exactly!

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    • Yeah I'm divorced too. 😆

    • @Rob614 I'm not. :)
      We never got married.
      Score!

  • there isn't anything necessarily wrong with dating someone with a child. but it is also not necessarily wrong to NOT want to date someone who already has a child.

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  • At your age it either spells irresponsible or simple, non of which are attractive

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    • College educated, and financially responsible. Far from either one, though it may appear as you said, to some.

    • I can only speak about myself and a different gender, but if a gal even had dr degree and pulled over a mill a year id still not be interested if she had a kid. Im not wasting time and resources on someone elses genes, even if its a good deal for me from an objective standpoint. Not to mention having to have the childs father in our lives, meh

    • "... and im a..."*

  • Cause it's evolutionary suicide. You are committing time and resources to raising someone else's offspring. There's no biological imperative to do that

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  • Maybe the girl feels like they will be the stepmother figure in the childs life but really only wants to be dating you.

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  • Evolutionarily raising someone else's kid is not good so people tend to avoid that on a subconscious level
    -psych major

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  • "What's wrong with?" Nothing I guess, just a lot of them don't want to.

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  • i can see where they are coming from since i dont wanna be with a girl who has a kid either

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  • Simply put, it's not their kid. That's why.

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    • It's a date. Not a commitment. The kid has nothing to do with it, or shouldn't.

    • Well they're thinking ahead. They are unable to have a future with you.

  • Just tell them ones to slide on

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  • I feel your pain.

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  • nothing.

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  • Wow. I am in your shoes bro

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  • Nothing

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  • Nothing

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  • Agree.

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  • My dad has a child... would you wanna date him?

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