I lack the experience and don't understand guys. What's his deal?

We were good friends, he wanted to try dating, I admitted to liking him, and then he gave me the choice of whether to stay friends or try dating. I chose friendship and he said he was thinking the same thing - that it would complicate everything.

He became cold after everything happened (about 6 months ago) and I was still seeking him out. He started ignoring me altogether even when I was helping him as a friend (I help him with school and work stuff sometimes) and wouldn't acknowledge receiving any help, etc. I eventually started feeling more like crap so I deleted him from my life, but emailed him later to apologize for deleting him and tell him he hurt me. He apologized for being inconsiderate and we said we would try friendship again.

Things didn't really change much after that happened, but I wasn't contacting him (and he still wasn't contacting me). He then initiated contact and things felt like old times. At the end of the convo, he asked for my help with something. We've talked a couple of times since I've helped him this last time and it keeps getting to how things used to be (before the issue of dating). But, it's even heightened, because we're a little more comfortable saying things to the other. For instance, he'll compliment a picture, talk about my smile, and we'll admit to missing each other. That wouldn't happen before. We're supposed to be seeing each other soon at school and he said I'm the major reason he's looking forward to the new semester starting up.

However, even though he has his sweet moments, for the most part, I don't talk to him regularly. He may see me online, but doesn't say hi. He doesn't initiate a text or call. I'm not sure how to interpret his behavior. Should I think anything or his recent sweet comments? I miss him, but I don't want to ruin our friendship. I'll be seeing him soon for the first time after everything has happened and I'm afraid I'll further make a mess of things. I don't want to be casual when he still has feelings for me and I don't want to be romantic and sweet when he's over everything, which could be the case. I mean, he did ignore me for months while I was still desperate to talk to him. If anything, I'm the only one who isn't over it.

Please advise! I lack experience and need help. My not knowing how he felt before almost ruined our friendship and I don't want to make the same mistake. I don't know if our friendship can take it. I also don't want to look pathetic, though. :(


Most Helpful Girl

  • In my opinion,it sounds as though he was saying that he agreed with "staying friends" to save face and because you said it FIRST. I say this because his actions afterward indicated that he obviously wanted more and he was hopeful that you would want more as well. If you would have suggested dating,he would have likely been thrilled.Him becoming cold afterward was his passive aggressive attitude towards the situation and you,and then him ignoring you altogther was probably him trying to just take some space from you to get over you. Sometimes people need that. So he apologized and he's attempting to move on and continue a friendship..but now you guys are more honest or forthcoming with one another which is good. I guess you are trying to figure out if he still likes you...its probable.Or maybe he is just trying to be nice since he was being so cold before. So he still doesn't message you as often? It's okay,give him his space. Friendships change. This happens to be something that could change a friendship for better or worse. He might just need to take a step back from the friendship by not contacting you all th time...SO LET HIM.

    Now,you are trying to figure out how you should behave and act around him. And you are worried about how he will behave around you. You mentioned you don't want to be "romantic and sweet,when he is overeverything"and that you don't want to be "casual when he still has feelings." What you SHOULD be is his FRIEND. You say that you only want to be friends,so if you see him and then you start acting "romatic and sweet",you are only contradicting yourself hence toying with someones emotions. Being platonic friends does not include being romantic...ROMANCE. That is,unless the two of you agree to something more than just friendship. Being casual and just NORMAL is what friends do. That will ensre I'm that platonic friendship is what you want. Actions speak tons louder than anything that can be said. I'm going off of your entire question...no where in there did you say that you changed your mind and you suddenly wanted to date him. So you have no reason to act ROMANTIC towards him.

    So,he basically needed some space from you for a while,hence him acting weird because he probably really wanted to date you. He's trying to not be weird and talk to you,OR try and get you to change your mind. Who knows until you are around him more. If you still want the platonic friendship only BUT start acting like you want more by behaving in a ROMANTIC way,YES...YOU WILL MAKE A MESS OF THINGS. Just make sure your actions don't contradict what you say. I'm not sure what you aren't over. The fact he stopped talking to you for a while or that you like him,but won't date him. I say get over both.

    He needed things to settle a bit hence him ignoring you.And either you are gonna make a move or not. And if you're not,and he's over it,then get over it for now and move on. Re-establish your friendship.Strenghthen that. Be normal. Good Luck! :)

    • Wow, thank you! This is amazing advice. I've still been reeling from my decision and obsessing over him, but it really doesn't matter. No matter how much I'm hurting, I still want just friendship. I know that I can get mushy sometimes so I just have to make sure I'm not acting how I feel until I'm truly over him. He's probably already picked up on a romantic vibe in our recent conversations so I just need to reinforce the friendship part and be casual. Thank you for the much-needed advice!

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What Guys Said 5

  • Are you a girl? are you have commonsense? educated, still why not learn or read the body language or mind language,the guy expect a dating from you ,you expect a good friend from him,both are two extreams now.Now a days generally friendship leads to dating but not dating leads to friendship.If expect something and you get other thing will you ever be happy,that is happened in your case.Even now identify the truth and do the right treatment to cure the disease.This is a lust wrapped love cannot expect good mature friendship.

    • What do you mean about lust wrapped love? Were you talking about me or my guy friend? I'm a bit confused on that point you made.

    • lust wrapped love simply means that a sacred form of love when mixed with a current of lust,the strong feeling of body sensation that love may not persist.If sacred love comes first and after good understanding and love each other then go for trusting relations..

  • the deal is... you lack exp... you fell for a jackass who treated you like crap... now your options are: to try to get revenge on ALL men because of this puke... or to take the exp... and make better choices on what kind of men to date... but since you are in that particular age group that has the most activity, the most turnover in relationships, just 'charge it to the game'... You should interpret his behavior as self-centered, a bit sociopathic... and pathetic... DROP THE ZERO.. Lose this fool... quit pining over this SOB and go live your life. You MUST separate your emotions from reality- that means no friendship with him, no nothing... just cut him out of your life, period!

    • Thanks for the response! Our friendship is becoming how it used to be, but you think I shouldn't be friends with him? He was amazing before all this went down and then he became an entirely different person. I hate how he acted, but I get he was hurt. I'm not sure that excuses him for everything, though. You're the first to think I shouldn't be friends with him. Every other time I've asked a question regarding him, people have been defending his actions...that he's hurt since I rejected him.

    • it doesn't excuse him- he is immature, as you are... but... I still say you shouldn;t be friends with him... it won't be the same

    • Thanks for the advice. I definitely agree that it won't be the same.

  • He was interested in you and you shut him down. He wore a mask to make you think it was all good but secretly inside he was crushed and he began to hate you. If you've been bouncing on and off from friendship just ask him straight out. Do you want a serious relationship or not. He'll either say yes or no and you'll have closure.

    • You think he began to hate me? That's awful. :( Thanks for the reply!

  • Okay so this is what I think happened: he liked you then when you chose friendship or whatever he got hurt but couldn't show that and played it off, maybe got over you during the time he was cold to you or just came to his senses and realized it was stupid of him to be like this. My advice would be to not worry about looking pathetic and just act the way you feel, if he doesn't return the sentiment then there is your answer. Good luck!

    • Thanks for the advice! I figured he got over me during that time and then was okay with being friends. That definitely would explain his behavior most of the time. But those recent times when we have talked, it's been having this romantic feeling. It's probably just how I feel, though. I still think about him saying he wanted to marry me and that I was his dream girl, but he could have easily moved on. Anyway, thank you!

    • thanks for responce

  • I think he might like you a little more than frends but that is only my expearance!

    • You think he might still have feelings for me beyond friendship? Thanks for the reply! My experience is limited, too, so I don't know what to make of anything.

What Girls Said 1

  • I think that he still has feelings for you but he doesn't want to show it because you denied him the first time. So the only way to mask it is to avoid you altogether. But obviously he still cares enough about you that he acts sweet, but now he minimizes the time spent with you to avoid any lingering pain that you may have caused from rejecting him. I think, if you liked him enough you would risk the friendship to turn the relationship into something even greater. But since you didn't want to take the risk, maybe your feelings aren't enough to push it past the friendship line. Maybe you should ask him straight up about what he's feeling, try to get it out of him. Men are difficult beings, they ignore and hide negative emotions, but once you get it out of them it pours. I believe that is when you can start mending your friendship.

    • Thanks for the reply! I really do have strong feelings for him, I've never felt this way about anyone. It's just that we have different religious beliefs. Getting together would make both of our families upset and things very difficult in general. I know he wanted to try, but he also dated a girl outside his religion before without his family knowing. I don't want to hide any relationship and I tried explaining all of this to him at the time. I just don't know if he still feels this way about me