What are the rules for friends with benefits?

I’ve been in a friends with benefits relationship for the past year and a half. At first, he was pretty clear that no feelings were involved. But recently he told me he loves me and that I was one of his best friends.

He is in an open relationship with a woman he lives with. She knows about me and we get along great. He and I hook up at least three times a week and sometimes we hang out a bit.

Last week he told me that he was going on a date with a woman he met. This kind of rubbed me the wrong way because we don’t go out and he’s always complaining about not having money. In fact, I often cook for us when we are together (I make more than he does). Then he proceeded to tell me they had sex and hung out until late the next day. They also went out this weekend. I did not ask for this information, mind you.

He doesn’t understand why am upset about this since his main relationship doesn’t bother me. This just feels different and I can’t explain why. We’ve argued about it for the past week. And I just want to stop talking about it but I can’t get over my feelings. I told him to please stop telling me about his dates with this woman but he feels like as one of his best friends, he should be able to talk about it. We also go to sex parties together and I’ve been in threesomes with him. And that also doesn’t bother me.

I hope someone can give me some insight. Am I being unreasonable? Is he being selfish?
Updates:
4d
Hi everyone,
I appreciate everyone who took the time to respond! There are so many different perspectives - It really helped me see things from his point of view.
I believe him when he tells me I’m an important part of his life and that he loves me. He just doesn’t think sex with someone else changes that.
I’m not ready to toss him out but I’m going to insist that he spare me the details. If he can’t stop, then there is no hope.
2d
Update 2: I realized after much reflection that I let my guard down to far with him. I got sucked into the words he was telling to me and started to believe it meant something. This made me realize it didn’t.
I’m trying to put my guard up a little bit but he keeps asking me what’s wrong. I’m just trying to stop myself from getting hurt. I know he doesn’t want, things to change but they have for me, At least until I figure all this out.

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What Guys Said 25

  • Friends with benefits is actually Friends with bullshit and there's a whole lot of it going on. This is a disaster waiting to happen. You're in the blast radius of a ticking time bomb. Lust always leads to a broken heart. You two are technically together because there is a soul tie between the two of you. That's why it hurts! It's never "just sex" and whoever thinks so is fooling themselves. Get out of this nonsense and give yourself some peace of heart and mind. You deserve peace

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    • 4d

      This is literally everything! Everytime i say this, people look at me like i have 15 heads😒... the world truly needs more guys like u in it 😩✨

    • Show All
    • 4d

      Aww I’m glad it made your day, and its just the honest truth. just happy there's someone out there finally that thinks like u 😌💋

    • 3d

      I'm a big fan of friend w benefit if they r truly a friend. Friendship. Sex. These are great things don't get it confused. Like, what r u going to insult food next?

  • You’re both stupid af for thinking these relationships are harmless. They never end well and they all end

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  • Depends, for me there are two categories, friends with benefits and sex buddies. A sex buddy for me is someone who I only have sex with, I never call them or call me another reason. friends with benefits for me is someone closer like a normal friend but I also can have sex with them. Both have one important role, don't get emotional. Don't fall in love with each other.

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  • There are no rules for friendship except be nice to each other, so he should respect your friendship enough to shut up if that talk bothers you. Also, you sound like you want control over him, like you want him to treat you better and spend money on you... Friends wouldn't do this, this is girlfriend behavior. So I believe u should talk to him about what u want without having to get offended or upset about anything he does as long as he's honest and nice to you.

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  • You might not be able to tell, but from what I can see, your starting to fall for this guy, you got annoyed cause he doesn't take you out but he did her, he's treating her different from you, I think you just need to tell him how you feel about the whole situation, if he's a good enough guy he will understand you and try to get to an outcome which is best for both of you, hope I could help

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  • Friends with benefits is not a good idea.

    That is because at some point someone will fall for the other. It has to do with chemicals released in the brain during sex.

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  • I'm not sure if there are general
    rules for so called sex buddies but I am curious about what happens when the benefits run
    out and they eventually do run
    out.

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  • The main thing about being friends with benefits is just sex nothing more than that. Also not get feeling

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    • 5d

      He’s the one who started with the feelings. This is why am so confused.

    • 5d

      Now you both got feelings lol this might not end well hopefully it does tho

  • The first rule is this:

    Don’t have friends with benefits relationships.

    That’s it.

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  • It sounds to me like you want a relationship with him and the fact that he has one that you're not part of is upsetting you. You don't really seem to mind if he has sex with other women so long as you're not left out. It's actually not possible to have sex with someone and not develop feelings for him/her. Typically friends with benefits starts with "just be friends" but that seems like such a stupid delusional mindset to me. You can't have sex and be friends. The two things don't mix. Your mistake was entering a sexual relationship and trying to avoid romance. If you want to stay with this guy then you'd better get used to being a bitch in his harem or you're gonna end up miserable.

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  • You definitely earned this...

    =====
    Congratulations!

    Your question is today's Question of the Day illustrating that Friends With Benefits is an illusion because eventually one of them will get emotionally involved as if in a couple.

    It's not a question of "if" it's going to happen, but "when".

    If it is any consolation, in December 1988 just before I turned 26, I was involved in this intense 2.5 week F W B situation with my roommate. I was very emotionally involved, but, for her, I was just a convenient lay between more "serious BF"s.

    So, was I a stupid fool? Yes and no. I knew better, but I wanted what I got into and paid the price. I learned through The School of Hard Knocks just like you are...

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    • 5d

      Well that was your fault.

    • Show All
    • 4d

      Sometimes that dislike switches too.
      Nothing is certain in life but, life & death.

    • 3d

      @Drifter83UK... and taxes and eye lens growth.

  • A legendary man once said
    “I can fix that”
    It is your choice if you want to call lol

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  • I don't know if there are formal "rules". Actually, the biggest problem I see (looking from afar and not being in the situation myself) is the spending dichotomy. You've hosted him around 234 times! And many of those times, you- essentially- paid for the "date". Why the sudden shift? But I digress - - - - Open relationships are tentative at best, and doomed to failure at the worst. You might want to call 1-800-A-FAMILY for some guidance about this. Good luck. I hope you find a great relationship.

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  • There are no rules other than those you make with your friends with benefits.

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  • I think u should be casual... I don't know if u feel jealous or something but u should be like casual... No strings attached

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  • why not make an ultimatum? " either me or them" you'l get closure for sure

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  • Rule #1: Don't do it in the first place unless you want to kiss your friendship goodbye.

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  • Rules?😂
    I never played this game before...

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  • Don’t get attached

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  • The only rule I have is we must be friends first.

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  • there are known

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  • No falling inLove 💕💕💕💕

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    • 5d

      I agree, but he’s the one who told me he was in love with me!

    • 5d

      That’s crazy that’s why we have friends with benefits

  • No idea. A silly concept really

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  • I’ve never been a fan of friends with benefits. Somebody always seems to end up getting hurt, especially if it lasts long. Your friendship is essentially a ticking time bomb, because rarely does it ever end with you two still being friends. I don’t fault you for not wanting to hear about his dates with this other woman, but the fact that you’ve had threesomes and are ok with his main relationship makes his point more valid. I think you need to think about why his dates with her bother you— do you think she’s prettier? More successful? Younger? Etc. I think this is the point where you need to decide if you can continue being friends with benefits, because it sounds like feelings are coming into play. Not to be too critical, but the whole situation sounds unhealthy, and I’d advise getting out. If you’re an attractive, successful woman, you should have no problem finding a guy that would want to be monogamous. Good luck!

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    • 4d

      As for rules, I think that really differs, and the two of you should set the rules. Do you go out with other men? Would he be ok with you talking About those encounters? If the answer is no, then there you go that’s rule #1– Don’t talk about dates with other people. And think about what else you’d like, and talk to him so that you two can set the rules together and go from there. But again, I’d advise just getting out of the situation, I feel like you’re just gonna end up getting hurt. What’s the attraction to this guy if he’s seeing other women and you make more money, if you don’t mind me asking?

    • 4d

      Read your update. Don’t let this guy play you. If he loves you, then why is he having sex with other women?

  • There is no reason for him to tell you about his dates with this other woman, why does he feel the need to tell you this? I find that a bit insensitive, considering he knows that it upsets you. If he can't respect your feelings, I'd cut him loose, because this isn't the way someone who loves you would handle this situation. My friends with benefits has told me that they love me as well, and I definitely love them as a friend, but I don't tell him about my dates with other people. I know that while he may not mention it, it does upset him. So, I would have to say that I think that he's being selfish to disregard your feelings and you're not being unreasonable to request that he not tell you about his dates with other women.

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What Girls Said 27

  • Oh, he's using you as much as he can. what man wouldn't like a chick he can have anytime? or that he can have threesomes with? or that she doesn't complain if he sleeps with others?
    I think... if you would be fine with it, then there wouldn't be a problem. But if he tells you that he loves you, that's bs. he wants to keep you but he wants others too. I believe he is the one being selfish in this case. Having a friend with benefit would mean having sex with someone you'd normally just hang out. The moment he said 'I love you', he crossed the line. it's not a friend with benefit relationship anymore.
    I think you should ask yourself what do you want from him, or from your life for that matter? where do you see yourself in a couple of years? do you wanna marry him? do you wanna just fool around for some more time? or forever? is this relationship worth it, or you should stay alone for awhile? or just break up and maybe find an honest partner who you can be with, just the two of you? maybe find another friends with benefits for now, so you won't think about him? it all depends on what you really want. don't answer me, answer for yourself.
    good luck with everything.

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  • Of what I can interpret is that it doesn't bother you, but bothers you at the same time.

    Sometimes, without even knowing it, we can develop feelings and emotions towards a relationship, either romantic or not. It is part of being and interacting for a certain time with someone. A relationship always changes or needs to be upgraded if the people in question still wants to continue it.

    That's why I don't support in part the friends with benefits relationship, in my opinion.

    I think you have to talk with yourself, honestly. Ask yourself about what do you want in life, be sure about yourself, your feelings, your life projects and what do you really want from him. (Sorry, but a relationship is a kind of inversion where you expect to receive something and not just material, it could be love, friendship, loyalty, empathy, respect, support, an upgrade in the relationship, etc)

    Once you have your inner talk, then try talk to him about it. Be honest and don't be scared if things won't be as you expected.

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  • I would not tolerate that degree of sluttiness in anyone I'm having sex with because I'm STD free and intend to keep it that way but then again I would never even accept anyone who is in a relationship (open or not) for a friends with benefits to begin with.

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  • You're being unreasonable. I'm pretty sure he told you that he loves you in a friendly way, not a romantic way. He's fucking other women and wanting to open up to you about it since you're his FRIEND (emphasis on the friend), but you get jealous about it, you're slowly catching feelings. You need to stop yourself before you fall in too deep, chick

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    • 4d

      Best advice I've seen on this post. She should get out...

  • Well, the only rules are the ones you both agree to.

    It's hard to hear that a lover likes someone else better than they seem to like you, even if you have tried not to be jealous.

    Ultimately, it sounds like you have unmet needs in this arrangement.

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  • It didn’t bother you before because he was choosing to add you to the relationship. But now, you’re feeling like he’s replacing you with someone new. It’s bounf to happen with this guy over and over.

    I’m sure the new chick feels okay with y’all because she’s the new girl. But wait until he sleeps with someone after her, and he will, and she will feel the same as you.

    If you choose to be involved with an open relationship guy-this will be your life. Choose wisely.

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  • I understand your being a little upset about him starting another relationship. But does it not give you a higher level of understanding, being that’s you have filled for his unmet needs in his main relationship? Maybe he is missing something again. What is that? Has he told you? Also, ‘friends with benefits’... what do you get out of it?

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    • 5d

      We did talk about it and he said that for him it’s just an activity that he enjoys with other people.
      I get really good sex out of the deal. But maybe it’s not enough…

  • You are not in a friends with benefits relationship. You are also in an open relationship.
    FWB's only meet up for sex. They don't hang out other times. They don't cook for each other. They don't go out on dates.
    Kinda sounds like you've got feelings for him to. I suggest asking him to have a sit down talk about your relationship so you can discuss what you both feel it is, and what you see for it in the future.

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  • First of all you guys confused everything. He and you are not aware of your feelings and you both do not know what you want.
    I think he does not love you like a lover does. He can date with others. There is no others in love.
    If i were you i would just end it. Friendship is more important than sex in my book.

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  • As far as I understand the rules are
    - Don't fall in love
    - Don't get jealous
    - Always keep in mind you're "just friends"

    You're not being reasonable since he's "just a friend" and if you're upset it means you feel he's more than that and you're breaking the rules. He's being selfish... only if you're in love with him and somehow he's doing it to hurt your feelings.
    It is extremely unreasonable to be in these kind of relationships and think things will never get weird like this.

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  • It’s the rules and expectations. He sprung this new information on you. Perhaps he’s been feeling a lot of emotion lately and floating and hence why he admitted he loved you. For you, he threw a spanner in the works and from your update, I think you figured it out. I hope you will be happy though. All the best.

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  • I'm in an open relationship as well. I've noticed that usually when I get jealous it's because I'm unsure of where I stand with him. As for the dates. Explain that you're upset because he is taking another woman on dates but not you.

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  • He's being I think its a little of both. Your being unreasonable because you are his best friend, but he's mostly wrong in my opinion because he should be able to understand that u just don't want to talk about it.

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  • That is why friends with benefits is a horrible idea

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  • The rules are the same with any relationship whatever you both agree to. Communication is key no relationship will survive without communicating.

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  • Maybe he expected you to reply back to his “I love you” sentence. As you didn't - I guess- he looked for another woman. Sex he has and now he also want love.

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  • I feel like a friends with benefits relationship is just a reason to only be attracted to someone sexually which isn't okay with me

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  • I too was in the same situation and the same thing that bother you bothered me.

    It wasn’t him sleeping with other women it was him dating and going out with some of them. Spending ‘quality’ time with them investing his best self in them etc etc

    This really really bothered me none of the other stuff really did like you said.

    I think it’s because it’s the emotional side of him that he’s giving to him and not me. He’s also said he’s doing friends with benefits because he doesn’t want a relationship so then why do relationship activities with these other girls

    I feel like he’s lying to me. I don’t know so many mixed feelings about it. And like yours he doesn’t get it or agree.

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  • you are just a F'buddy to him whereas she is his life partner and love. he talks to you like he gags with guys. he will never change

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  • Don't catch feelings because the feelings sometimes are only one sided and someone is bound to get hurt.

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  • Im not sure, im in one right now and have been for about an month now

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  • Sex. Nothing else but sex

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  • Don’t put any emotions into it trust me

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  • Keep your emotions to yourself

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  • Never have one

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  • Don't do it

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  • Listen, he wants to be honest with you. Please please value this! I know it makes you feel like dirt--but he feels so comfortable with you that telling you these things won't end your relationship. I've been there. It hurts so bad at first. Eventually I started to feel happy for him. It's an open relationship. Talk to his main chick about it. I'm my guy's main chick and if his side babe needed help; I'd love to chat about it. Talk to me, Ma'am!

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