My boyfriend cheated, what do I do?

Basically, he messaged a girl from his past. I found out, he denied it. Then he admitted to it. It really hurt me deeply. He told me that he let the influence of his friends and society get to him, that men should have tons of women, and not settle down right away. We have been dating a year, we aren’t living together or engaged. He is the one that pushes for me to live with him, etc. I am really upset by his actions, and don’t think he should have “cheated” to express his inner feelings.

He told me he wanted to work for me, and be with me. But, deep down I know he wants to date other women. He has the “grass is greener” syndrome, and he should be allowed to see it’s not always that great.

I kind of don’t want to be his girlfriend right now. I think i want a break/open relationship. But, he said he doesn’t want either of those things. I still love him and imagined a future with him, but, at our own pace. He is 26, and I’m 22. He’s only been with 4 women and I’m his first girlfriend.
Updates:
When he messaged her, he said he messaged her because he wanted her to respond, and to see if he could still “get” her.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • I don't consider messaging another girl cheating but I can see why you would think of it as a betrayal. I can't tell if you're thoughts about his having a "grass is greener" syndrome are based on oversensitivity to the situation or if its reality. It sounds like he has made it clear that he only wants to be with you and regrets messaging the other girl.

    You've been together a year and this sounds like its likely the biggest problem you've had to deal with as a couple. If a relationship is important enough to both partners, then you work through the hard stuff TOGETHER and move forward. Taking a break and/or having an open relationship sounds like the recipe for a long and hurtful breakup to tell you the truth.

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    • I feel that way, because he mentioned to me how he feels that he should have been with tons of girls. He’s 26 and I’m his first girlfriend. Also, he’s only had sex with 3 other women. He mentioned to me how his friends and society make it seem a guy needs tons of girls to not be a “loser”. So, I feel he really, deep-down, wants to experience more women. Also, he is mentioning how deep-down he cares for me so much. When I ask if he loves me, he hesitates to say he does. Of course, I’m not madly in love after a year. But, I still feel love and care for him.

    • At 26 he should be more secure than to worry about whether his friends or society think he's a loser based on how many women he's been with. That is my biggest concern in this entire situation. Second is the fact that after a year he cannot say that he loves you and you're not madly in love, either. This might be a relationship that isn't meant to last forever, and if that's the case, I understand why you think a break would be good. Like I said before, those types of things usually end up with a break up but in your case, maybe a break is what you need before you're ready to end things with him permanently. I'm sorry, I wish I was more optimistic. It just doesn't seem like the emotions or committment level is there for a long term relationship.

    • No. He has said he loves me. And he would say it all the time. But, when I found out about him messaging another girl, i asked him “do you love me, because if you did, you wouldn’t message her”. And he said that he cares about me so much, and he wants to be with me. But, when I asked “but, do you love me?” He hesitated and couldn’t really say he loves me. He said “the times I’ve told you I love you, I felt love!” But, love is a fleeting thing. You make a choice to love someone, even when you don’t feel those intoxicating emotions that go away after the honey moon does. And i agree, at 26 he should know better. Also, my opinion should mean more than society and his friends.

Most Helpful Guys

  • Lol he messaged her... that's not cheating.. cheating is committing a carnal act with someone other than the person he is with.. he is a POS for doing what he did, and especially for lying about I, but by definition he did not cheat.

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    • I consider it cheating because of the intention.

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    • Whoa. Well, I’m sorry that happened to you. I’m not that extreme. My boyfriend told me himself why he did it, he wanted to make sure that if our relationship ended, “he could still get it” from that girl. That, if we broke up, he wouldn’t have to worry as much. I find that really sad. If me and my boyfriend break up, I’ll accept it. I don’t go searching for “safety nets”. That’s harmful.

    • Oh no disagreement.. he sounds like someone you should cut from your life.

  • So he hasn't actually done anything with her? Maybe it's just an urge to flirt then? Not condoning, just saying maybe he had no intention of anything ever coming from it, just wanted the ego boost?

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    • That’s still wrong to me. I don’t go searching for ego boosts from men. It’s different to receive attention than to ask for it.

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    • I just feel upset. He wasn’t very lucky with women before I came along. I’m his first girlfriend, and he’s 26. I liked that he was kind-hearted (or so it seemed). And, I’m appalled he would search for an ego-stroke from another woman. I know he’d be upset if I did the same.

    • Well it sounds like he doesn't deserve to be lucky then, I've had the same wth women, why Is it is nice people get the ones messing around?

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What Girls & Guys Said

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  • So he messaged another girl and that is cheating too you, and now you want an open relationship? I'm not sure who is the one who was more likely to cheat here.

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    • Messaging a girl from the past, that you used to have sex with, to talk with her, and probably meet up IS cheating. It’s the intention to cheat. Did you read the rest of my question? I want an open relationship because he wants to see other women because his “friends and society” say to. Are you daft?

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    • If that's what you want to do you should just break it off entirely. That just won't end up working.

    • I wanted to be with him. But, his actions tell me he doesn’t want to be with me.

  • His excuse sounds like bs because the only person he has to blame for his actions is himself. It doesn’t sound like he cheated, but taking that step to talk to someone is a problem, especially if it hurt you.

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    • It did hurt me. He did it to “stroke his ego” and make sure he had someone in case we broke up.

    • I would talk to him about it and let him know it hurt you. Obviously it’s still bothering you, so he’s the one you should be talking to about this. That’s not right to just have someone waiting if you guys broke up either. You should be the only person he is paying attention to, and if you broke up he should deal with being alone for a little while not move onto someone new right away. You guys should really talk this out and I hope everything works out for you :)

  • Texting an ex isn't cheating. It's shady, but not cheating.

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    • I’m talking about the intention. The intention was there to get some kind of “emotional gratification” which is emotional cheating, to me.

  • I think you need a break. Just leave and take some time for yourself. Two months should be enough.

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    • The fact he messaged another girl, to see if she would respond and still be down to hook up, really hurt me a lot.

    • yes. He needs to work out his priorities because right now he's not being honest to you and he is not being honest to himself.

  • He is paying for your dates, your sushi, your hotel room, your pizza and every other stupid demand you have. He is entitled to bang as many pussies as he like.

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    • Actually. We split everything. You’re dumb.

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    • I shall hold your beer, public vagina.

    • Whoa lol, you sure are crazy!

  • Something or else he will treat you as something useless or even just use you you will never trust him again and you will put a lot of stress and on you but every time he goes out the door you will be wondering what you doing and it will tear you apart get out of it now

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  • What do you mean you KIND OF don't want to be his girlfriend? Do you not have a backbone in your body? Do you not see his history? He doesn't care about you, he is only with you for sex. He doesn't love you. No wonder why he cheated on you. You're easy and naive. You leave him and don't ever go back to what is not good for you. He's a hoe. All the more reason why I would NEVER have premarital sex outside of marriage. You got plenty of them around. Even if their virgins, if they have that whore mentality, RUN. Don't walk. They will cause you heartache.

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  • He didn't cheat right? He wanted to know if he could get her. It's bad, but it's not super bad. You talked to him right? Do you think he will do it again?

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  • Well if you feel you need to dump him then do it. If you dont then dont. It sounds like a clean cut might be a good idea if your not happy both people should be happy. Whatever you do dont do an open relationship. That seems like a really bad idea and a good way to get into a lot of BS really fast.

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  • It's really your choice. If you want to spend your life being with cheaters then you can't complain when they cheat.

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  • If he was really cheating leave him get a guy that's good to you don't wait around

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  • You are young and should date other guys before committing to one. Committing includes living together.

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  • 22 is way to young to settle anyway.
    And what ever greengrass syndrome he has now will be 50 times worse in 10 years

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  • Wait, all he did was message another woman? Nothing physical happened?

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  • Neither of you sound very happy. I would try to end it amicably.

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  • I think you need to move on... this man will only cause you trouble. I personally can’t say that an open relationship would be a solution.

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  • If it is cheating, then leave and find another man.

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  • It’s not cheating

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    • The intention was to cheat.

    • He even said he messaged her because he wanted her to respond, and to see if he could still “get” her.

    • Do you like open relationship?

  • You leave him and find a real man.

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  • I can relate but leave asap

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  • Dump his ass asap. You deserve better

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  • unleash the kraken

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  • Dump his ass

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  • Dump him

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  • The fuck is wrong with you?

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  • Society made him cheat? Geez and you bought that?

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    • I didn’t. I think he just wants other women.

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    • Which is dumb. The grass isn’t always greener. If a girl has something I’m lacking, she won’t have all the other qualities that I have.

    • Don't even worry about that. Because he will cheat on her and the one after that and so on. It's very rarely due to some sort of shortcoming from his better half.

  • either leave him or do it and get back at him

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  • I’m confused. Did he sleep with the girl from the past or bang her?

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    • He tried messaging a girl to hook up with her, but the asker caught him.

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    • Also, it’s cheating to me because his intention was to get her to respond. It’s basically emotional cheating.

    • Dump him and don’t look back

  • Classic complain of women now a days. First go to a bad boy then try to change them or complain about it. You can’t change a person , life is not movie. Start think what is good for you.

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    • I thought he wasn’t a “bad boy”. He fooled me.

    • No one writes bad boy on their faces. Anyway it’s up to you now , talk to him now about your problems and dislikes if he agrees to follow them unconditionally then it’s ok , if not , it’s up to you.

  • He didn't cheat

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    • Yea cause he got caught.

    • He literally told her that he tried texting a girl to get with her.

    • @Gotcha_Writer10 that means he probably had the intention to. I'm not justifying him, but the fact of the matter is he did not cheat.

  • He should be looking to settle down at that age more than the things you mentioned.

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    • I agree. Once he hits 30, there will be less good women.

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    • Yes. Well, he’s 26. He’s never experienced many women. He’s only had sex with 4, including me. And I’m his first girlfriend. He feels he’s missing out on the hookup culture and experience of tons of women. He’s afraid he’s getting old, and worries.

    • How experienced are you?

  • stop going after the top 20%

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    • Thought he was better than that.

    • hun you are going for the top 20% of men

      THEY HAVE ALL THE CHOICES THEY WANT LO

    • Not really. My boyfriend wasn’t very lucky with women.

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