First Real Love Dilemma

I've had three long term relationships over 20 years. I've been seeing my current girlfriend for nearly four years and we live together with her daughter.

About three months into my first relationship I was introduced to another girl and we became amazing friends. We almost got together. We admitted that we'd fell in love with each other but I chose my then girlfriend over her. She actually understood this and didn't want to break someones else relationship up. I guess even though we were young, we were still quite sensible about it. We never once acted on our feelings. Despite my relationship at the time I feel this is the biggest mistake I ever made. I consider this girl to be my first real love as that first relationship was always pretty one-sided (which makes my mistake seem even bigger). I last saw her fifteen years ago.

That first relationship ended some years later, inevitably, I met another girl, married, divorced, then spent a long time enjoying singledome. As I said, four years ago I met my current girlfriend. All the time I have been in these relationships, I have always thought of this girl and have even looked for her. I will not cheat on my girlfriend but even thinking about this girl feels like cheating.

Though I thought of her occasionally, I love my girlfriend very much. We have our bad times as does every couple but we get through it.

Well, the other day, this girl appeared back into my life and now I am monumentally conflicted. The chemistry with her is still there although neither of us will come out and admit it to each other. she's also been looking for me for many years. On the one hand, I have a secure, loving relationship (so I thought) and on the other, there is this girl who I have thought about for most of my life. I'm not stupid. I won't cheat. I would leave my girlfriend if I thought I was going to act on anything with this girl. I also know that if I did that and it didn't work out with this girl that I would end up with nothing.

You hear that people never get over their first real love. I've never loved anyone like I loved/love this girl. I guess I could accept this and get on with my life on the basis that I'd never expect to see her again. that's how I've justified that in my mind up to now. Now she's is back and its mind blowing. The feelings for her are intense. As I've said, I've not told her and wouldn't right now.

My main dilemma is this: I now feel like I am settling for second best and have done all my life. Almost overnight, I now feel like its not fair on my current girlfriend if I stay with her and have these feelings for someone else who is now within reach, even if I don't act on it.I confided in my friend who mentioned the risk of ending up with nothing but I feel like maybe the 'nothing' is inevitable and probably quite deserved.

My current girlfriend has trust issues (not with me but because of her previous relationships). I just do not know how to approach this dilemma at all.

Any sensible suggestion


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What Girls Said 1

  • this situation sounds familiar. I am younger but I have this friend guy that I really like and we have some chemistry. we understood from the start that we may never date. I understand what you feel after all these years. now, you are much mature and you should listen to your heart and check if she still likes you. if the feeling is mutual, you need to start this relationship since you will never know what it will be like if you are not in a relationship with her.Remeber that at one point, you will need to think about what will happen to your relationship with your current gfriend: break up or stay together since you cannot date 2 women at the same time. good luck.

    • Thanks for the reply. Well, its been three months since this girl from my past reappeared and then current situation is as follows.

      No matter what the outcome is with this girl, whether we get together or not, I realized that her reappearance brought up just one problem of many in my relationship. I ended the relationship not long after posting my question. I just couldn't go on. Now I am single but my concience is clear. I do not know what will happen with the girl from my past.

    • Sorry to hear that. It is nice that you decided not to lead your past girlfriend on since you were not in love with her. Sometimes, one has to move on regardless of first love and enjoy being single for a while to appreciate what he or she is looking in a relationship. I just learned that a first love may not be the love of your love after all. There are plenty of women out there for you and I wish you the best.

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