I do agree with only being hurt as much as you allow them to hurt you...As for the rest of this it is honestly in my opinion a little unhealthy sorry to say and I don't want to offend you or step on toes,, but you should not be okay with being treated poorly,, as time goes on you might find yourself being tolerant to people treating you more and more poorly...But bonding is trust and to trust you can't expect a person to hurt you...
@Gabriel007 I've rarely been treated any other way. Since childhood. My point is if you are fine with it, if it doesn't bother you, you'll be much less hindered. If somebody gives me a scar I don't hold a grudge, can you say the same? Hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I'm not sure I could ever trust anybody otherwise.To your point lately I have been more careful about my kindness. Continuing to do favors for people who only ever hurt you isn't good. Especially when permanent physical damage is done to your body. Your writing was very polite, so no offense taken. A thank you would be more appropriate on my part than for me to get offended.
@meesegoMoo Okay I hear you, and I agree with most of what you say, I think we are actually saying the same thing just in different ways...Yes I can actually say same, I have the scar, true, but I don't hold the grudge, that is unhealthy holding grudges, I forgive, but I do it for me, for my own wellbeing I don't hold grudges, that doesn't mean I will ever trust that person again,, forgive them, but know to avoid them...What you said about being careful about your kindness and not continuing to do favors for people who only ever hurt you that it isn't good,,, I agree completely,, could not agree more if I tried...
@Cynicaldreamer I see where you're coming from but it's difficult to bond with people who have shields up. Maybe it's worth the effort, but I don't stick around long enough to find out. I view it like if they're going to resist my attempts to bond, then I'm not going to keep trying. It feels so one-sided, like they're not interested
I'm not saying let everyone in, but let in the right people
I'm not the majority though. I'm more open
I keep refusing to learn that lesson.
experience is a good teacher.Thank you for mho
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Why do you think that's better? self-protection?
You really can't know a person fully in the beginning. You need to have a good amount together and significant learning about the other person before you go all in like that.
I do with trust until given a reason not to
@SWPegasus that's a really good point!!
If you don't talk on a deep level, and you don't trust nor let each other in, then it's not a very deep bond.
I see then your question should be is it neccessary to drop shields to bond deeply because that is something severely different and they are once in a lifetime relationships. I am talking about day to day encounters your're talking about the unthinkable yet your question doesn't reflect this. Bonding and bonding deeply are not the same thing as there are different levels and people will connect in different ways
@lightbulb27 Woo! Star trek metaphors!The Enterprise goes in with shields down unless they're given a reason to raise them.
@JohnDon9 I'm like that too
@JohnDon9 this song really helped my self-esteem for this particular thing so I'm going to share it with you.https://youtu.be/qcXsq0eI_w0MitiS - Open WindowLight parading in your eyesAn open window never liesIf you take me for grantedYou'll leave empty handed I'll forget youI hope that helps you as much as it helps me
@Insightfull Nice song , i can already imagine myself on the highway cruising with a playlist like this 😬
Yep. Totally good cruising music :D
@es20490446e Yeah, fair point. The question is about your default: before you know whether to be open or defensive.For example, I go in with shields down. I give the connection a chance. I raise shields if they give me a reason to.
The thing is: shield against what?What are you protecting from speaking about talking with a stranger you just met?
Against what depends on the person. People with shields are difficult to bond with because shields directly oppose and resist attempts at bonding
What should depend on the other person?
"Against what depends on the person." in response to "shield against what?"What a person shields against depends on the person doing the shielding. What are they afraid will happen? Do they have a fear of intimacy? A fear of betrayal? A fear of being used and taken advantage of? A fear of someone being mean to their heart?I would be in the last of those categories. But I still go in with shields down (for the most part) since I'd rather be able to connect and get hurt by the occasional mean woman, than never get hurt but not be able to connect properly
Another way to read "What should depend on the other person?" is what about them would make someone more or less willing to be to open. How would you answer that? What aspects of a random person would make you more or less willing to connect with them?For me, I would not want to connect with lowlifes, thugs, people high on crazy drugs, people who have a mean or pretentious vibe, ...But the average person who doesn't give me a reason to have shields up, I keep them down. I give the connection a chance until given a reason to not. At which point, my shields go way up and I will resist future attempts at connection from that person. I would give them a chance to earn back my trust, but each time it is broken, it gets harder and harder to get me to
Hurt by expectation, too son.The thing is that you don't really know how someone is till you have qualified them.
Hurt by expectation, yea. I guess. I tend to expect a certain normal amount of openness.. so it feels like they don't trust me when they have shields.Beyond that, I don't get a good feeling from people who are guarded. It's as if they're hiding something.
Some are, some are just in the wrong environment.
@Brainsbeforebeauty I agree. There are some people I have shields up for. Like if there's some sketchbags or thugs or something like that I'm not going to try nor allow a bond. I am not interested in being friends with lowlifes, but the average person yes, I'll always be shields down. Maybe that attitude is why I feel insulted when someone has shields up? but moreso than insulted, I just feel like I'm wasting my time. If they're going to resist my attempts to bond, then I'm not going to keep trying. It feels so one-sided, like they're not interested
@Insightfull Very well said!
If they're going to resist my attempts to bond, then I'm not going to keep trying. It feels so one-sided, like they're not interested
That's true, if they never let their shields down then it's pointless to keep trying when they aren't.
@lucas262 I'm an ENFP. I often won't stick around long enough to bond with someone with shields up because I feel like they're not interested in connecting and will move on to someone who is
Just careful, really.
Be sure to not be too careful
@ghost_101 never lose that.
@ghost_101 I think that keeping my heart open and trusting is so incredibly important.Sure, I've been hurt, but I get over it, and it gets easier every time. It doesn't even really hurt anymore. And the upside is that I'm open to new connections. When I meet someone I might fall in love with I'll still be able to
That’s very true I never thought of it that way
@ghost_101 We're the way to be
I so agree
@Porcelaine hahahah what do you mean?
you don't need overanalyze everything to such a miniscule detail, I know your username is insightful but omg all of your posts are so extremely analytical, not everythig is that complicated, people bond with the right person no matter if their shield is down or not
@Porcelaine analyzing things leads to a deeper understanding.. I have trouble accepting something like "people bond with the right person".. why? What makes people right?Also, it's not possible to bond with shields up. Maybe two people have shields up and so they feel right for each other (both guarded) but the bond is a pale shadow of what it would be..
you don't need a deeper understanding of something so simple, this is what I mean when I say you make things overly complicated. Two people could have the biggest shields up, but if they feel comfortable around each other and want to bond, want the connection, the shield will instantly disappear. What makes people right? that answer is different for all of us, you know when the girl is right for you when you feel completely herself around her
@Nikki1989 yes!! Absolutely. And be careful to not guard against those who are because you're not sure
What do you mean? not guard yourself against those who are also guarded?
@On_cloud_wine No, I meant that guarding keeps out the bad, but also the good. Being not sure and guarding will make someone miss out on a lot of the good people (those who are worth it) because they were repelled by the guard.As for "not guard yourself against those who are also guarded?"That's backwards.I go in which shields down, but if the other person is guarded, then I guard, and a meaningful connection never develops (because either/both have shields/guards).Besides it's hard to trust people who are guarded (have their shields up). What are they hiding?
For me, mistrust is earned
Ok not good if thd trust isn't there
It is needed. Can't develop a deep bond with shields up.