Spending time with boyfriend. need some opinions?

Question

I feel for some reason that I’ve been such a burden to my man. We have been together all through quarantine and basically haven’t spent a night apart our whole relationship. We had a fight this weekend and he told me he felt emotionally drained from the fight. Today Memorial Day I decided to go home to give him some space. When I was leaving he said “why?” And I said “just to give you some space baby and let you relax” and he said “but I’ll probably just go to sleep and play games cause I’ll be lonely without yo and I said “well you said you were emotionally drained” and he said “I only said that cause of the fighting though” and I said “I’m just gonna let you have your alone time babe if u want me to come back later I’ll come back otherwise I’ll stay home” we kissed happily and left on good terms but like it was hard for me

I just don’t wanna lose him but like I feel like I wanna be around him more than he does. I’ve been in very abusive relationships and so I don’t know how to be in something healthy. I’m working in therapy on that and he is good to me but like he’s just not affectionate. We basically aren’t having sex and I’m holding these feelings to myself so that I don’t “emotionally drain” him

What is the right thing for me to do right now.

He said he doesn’t care if I stay home or stay with him he likes being around me and if I had it my way I’d be with him every night 🤷🏼‍♀️

Answer 1

potatoiswhoiam | 478 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

He doesn't seem to mind you being around him. Like he said, he felt drained because of the fight, which is normal after having a fight. But it's good that he doesn't allow it to overwhelm the entire relationship and accepts it as a normal part of the relationship.
I think you're being a bit anxious about this although you don't have to, he really seems to not mind.
As for the being affectionate part, I'm sorry to hear that, maybe he's not the type of person to show that much love, but this doesn't mean he doesn't love, he just has a different love language than yours, and probably just isn't as clingy. But the fact alone he was surprised you wanted to give him space, and maybe even a little bit upset, shows that he does enjoy you being around, so that is also maybe how he expresses his feelings.

At any rate, you should always talk things out. Be careful how you approach it tho, don't give him an idea that he's the reason to you feeling a certain way or like you're accusing him of being, for example, dry or unaffectionate. You need to approach these matters in a way where you address your feelings and the way you have been feeling and allow him to analyze his behavior on his own, if that makes sense. Cuz when you tell people "I want you to do this and that for me" they naturally feel like they're lacking or they become stubborn and that's how fights happen

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1 Person

Asker

1 y
Thank you so much. No joke this made me feel so much better and just gave me the words I needed. I really appreciate that you took the time to answer. We went through an abortion weeks ago and I’m usually not so clingy but like ever since it happened I have been different and like he seems fine and ok and u are right he does say he enjoys being around me and probably was shocked that I said I want to give him so space rn but like I just want him to miss me and appreciate me too because I can’t be the only one with googley eyes ya know?
potatoiswhoiam

1 y
It also makes sense that you wanna be around him because of what happened, it's normal to mess with your emotions and I hope that you've expressed that to him, but I'm also sure he's noticed (men do notice the changes in their partners mood)
I understand that you wanna feel wanted and loved, and maybe some space would be good in that case, but I also think it's not necessary, as long as he chooses to listen to what you have to say. Like if you tell him lately you've been feeling down and mention to him how you really appreciate certain things he does, and how it cheers you up, chances are he will be more encouraged to repeat whatever actions you told him make you feel better. It's just wired in men to wanna make their girl feel better (and well, same for us if we felt like our partner needs to be cheered up).
So I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and hopefully he will see that you need his reassurance and love right now, and give you both :)
Asker

1 y
Thank you for keeping your fingers crossed. I just feel maybe he’s sick of hearing the excuses. Yesterday I did kinda mention that I don’t really hurt over it anymore which is true but like I did say I haven’t felt like myself since and he just hugged me and said I’m sorry. And I said I didn’t need him to be sorry and hugged him back just that it’s hard and he’s being super patient with me lately but like he asked for space to clean his room on Saturday and then I kinda freaked out cause the way he said it was like he was telling me to leave but beating around the bush which felt super not nice and I just didn’t like the way he said it but like... it led to a whole other big thing and he came and slept over at my place but like literally just went to sleep and ignored me and I felt like my heart was under attack the entire time. I told him if he misses me later he can text and I’ll come back but like if he doesn’t I won’t. I don't know how I’m going to feel if he doesn’t ya know?
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potatoiswhoiam

1 y
It can be a bit annoying when for example he reassures you and you (I know it's not intentional) still don't believe he cares. When he said he's sorry for example, I guess he's trying to be empathic towards how you feel and he probably also doesn't know how exactly to make you feel better, maybe even feels like a part of the problem or he might also be going through something. So try to also understand how he feels, how he's been doing all this time, how he's handling the fact that you're feeling down. Maybe deep down he just feels bad for not being able to make you feel better. And if you just tell him he makes you happy or again, mention one thing he usually does that makes you happy, or something he rarely does but has done recently that makes you feel a certain way (in a good way), he will feel like he's not inadequate, let's say. Just in case he's feeling like that.
It's very good also if you can be raw with each other and just directly tell each other how you've been feeling. It's not bad to reflect on the relationship from time to time, helps you see where things have got wrong and what to do to improve things between you
Asker

1 y
I really do think the abortion put so much strain on both of us emotionally and I just don’t know how to bounce back from it. I want to feel sexy and cool to him. I want him to want me and he just doesn’t show interest in that. It’s super hard.
potatoiswhoiam

1 y
It might feel inappropriate to him to want you (let's say in a sexual way) if you are feeling down. So I think you should focus more on yourself now and overcome the feelings you're facing, until you do feel better in general and about yourself again and he's probably gonna pick up on that. He seems to be ready to give you emotional support but probably doesn't know how exactly to handle the situation. Some people are just not that good at comforting others or making them feel better when they're having a hard time.

Answer 2

Asker

Thank you so much. No joke this made me feel so much better and just gave me the words I needed. I really appreciate that you took the time to answer. We went through an abortion weeks ago and I’m usually not so clingy but like ever since it happened I have been different and like he seems fine and ok and u are right he does say he enjoys being around me and probably was shocked that I said I want to give him so space rn but like I just want him to miss me and appreciate me too because I can’t be the only one with googley eyes ya know?

Answer 3

potatoiswhoiam

It also makes sense that you wanna be around him because of what happened, it's normal to mess with your emotions and I hope that you've expressed that to him, but I'm also sure he's noticed (men do notice the changes in their partners mood)
I understand that you wanna feel wanted and loved, and maybe some space would be good in that case, but I also think it's not necessary, as long as he chooses to listen to what you have to say. Like if you tell him lately you've been feeling down and mention to him how you really appreciate certain things he does, and how it cheers you up, chances are he will be more encouraged to repeat whatever actions you told him make you feel better. It's just wired in men to wanna make their girl feel better (and well, same for us if we felt like our partner needs to be cheered up).
So I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and hopefully he will see that you need his reassurance and love right now, and give you both :)

Answer 4

Asker

Thank you for keeping your fingers crossed. I just feel maybe he’s sick of hearing the excuses. Yesterday I did kinda mention that I don’t really hurt over it anymore which is true but like I did say I haven’t felt like myself since and he just hugged me and said I’m sorry. And I said I didn’t need him to be sorry and hugged him back just that it’s hard and he’s being super patient with me lately but like he asked for space to clean his room on Saturday and then I kinda freaked out cause the way he said it was like he was telling me to leave but beating around the bush which felt super not nice and I just didn’t like the way he said it but like... it led to a whole other big thing and he came and slept over at my place but like literally just went to sleep and ignored me and I felt like my heart was under attack the entire time. I told him if he misses me later he can text and I’ll come back but like if he doesn’t I won’t. I don't know how I’m going to feel if he doesn’t ya know?

Answer 5

potatoiswhoiam

It can be a bit annoying when for example he reassures you and you (I know it's not intentional) still don't believe he cares. When he said he's sorry for example, I guess he's trying to be empathic towards how you feel and he probably also doesn't know how exactly to make you feel better, maybe even feels like a part of the problem or he might also be going through something. So try to also understand how he feels, how he's been doing all this time, how he's handling the fact that you're feeling down. Maybe deep down he just feels bad for not being able to make you feel better. And if you just tell him he makes you happy or again, mention one thing he usually does that makes you happy, or something he rarely does but has done recently that makes you feel a certain way (in a good way), he will feel like he's not inadequate, let's say. Just in case he's feeling like that.
It's very good also if you can be raw with each other and just directly tell each other how you've been feeling. It's not bad to reflect on the relationship from time to time, helps you see where things have got wrong and what to do to improve things between you

Answer 6

Asker

I really do think the abortion put so much strain on both of us emotionally and I just don’t know how to bounce back from it. I want to feel sexy and cool to him. I want him to want me and he just doesn’t show interest in that. It’s super hard.

Answer 7

potatoiswhoiam

It might feel inappropriate to him to want you (let's say in a sexual way) if you are feeling down. So I think you should focus more on yourself now and overcome the feelings you're facing, until you do feel better in general and about yourself again and he's probably gonna pick up on that. He seems to be ready to give you emotional support but probably doesn't know how exactly to handle the situation. Some people are just not that good at comforting others or making them feel better when they're having a hard time.

Answer 8

ellkell | 58 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 5

Everyone needs alone time weather they admit to it or not. Maybe make it a point to spend time apart just sonif doesn't build up again.

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