I have no desire to date since my ex broke up with me and I feel pathetic. PLEASE Help?!?!?!

With trying to make this as short as possible...was with ex for 1 year 4 months. it was a very emotionally and mentally abusive r/s with some physical abuse as well. He was a selfish, cocky, rude, disrespectful person who thought he was better than everyone. I had lots of distrust and questioned everything he did and said. It was an off/on relationship with both of us "breaking up" with each other. But with all that...I "thought" he really loved me and I knew I loved him. It was very intense

He moved back home which was 12 hrs away from me. we tried to make it work, but the arguing continued. He eventually broke up with me in Nov 2010, and we stopped all communication in Jan 2011. He made it very very clear he never wanted anything to do with me ever again. (the last convo he said he was "talking" to some girl and he was happier without me in his life)

I have no idea what or how he is doing since we have no mutual friends, he has no fb, and he lives so far away. BUT, I'm assuming he was telling me the truth and he is living his life to the fullest now that he doesn't have me. I, on the other hand, have had NO DESIRE to date, nor to even have sex with anyone else. I have met some guys, and EVERYONE turns out to be a "loser" or they turn out to have a girlfriend. This just makes me miss my ex more and makes my suspicions seem true that all guys are the same and they all will lie and cheat (sorry to any guy who isn't this way...this has just been my experience)

I am really starting to feel pathetic that my ex has moved on, and I have not. I do not want to spend one more minute "wishing" things were different with us and "hoping" he will one day come back. I want to date, but every single guy I've met has let me down one way or another. As I said, I have no desire to even have sex. And I'm not the type to just go out and have sex anyways Because I have a lot more self respect than that.

how can one person move on so quickly while the other is left behind? I'm worried this feeling of not wanting to date will never go away. its been almost 7 months now since he broke up with me. please, any advice, opinions, stories...ANYTHING that can help is much appreciated.

P.S - I want to go to therapy, but I have no insurance and cannot afford it. Also, how can I weed out the good guys from the bad if I ever get the feeling back to date again?

sorry...just realized I accidentally picked wrong category!


Most Helpful Guy

  • You need to keep in mind that YOU are the one who chose this guy, and YOU are the one who stayed in an obviously unhealthy relationship.

    There are plenty of great guys out there, but I have a feeling (based on the fact that you were attracted to this abuser) that you aren't interested in the good guys. They are "boring losers" to you. You want the excitement and danger of constant conflict and drama. Likely it's a reflection of your childhood and your (or your mother's) relationship with your dad.

    Anyway, what typically happens is that you end up finding another guy just as bad (or worse) than the last one, and you convince yourself that you love him and make excuses for all of the bad things that he does. Some girls get seriously hurt (hospitalized) or even killed this way, while others end up with guys that get them hooked on drugs or worse.

    If you think that *could* be you, then not dating is the best thing you can do, until you can get some therapy. There are actually lots of social programs available to help abused women, and you really should find one near you and go there, even if you don't "feel" like you were abused. They will talk to you, and you can talk to other women, and it would really help you figure yourself out and make some postive changes.

    • it definitely could NEVER be me. I have never and will never do drugs or anything like that. And I'm not attracted to "bad boys". I like pretty boys who don't smoke, do drugs, etc. My ex wasn't like that in the beginning so although I did choose to stay, it was not what attracted me to him. I fell in love...and when the relationship got unhealthy, I just couldn't be the one to leave. Thank you for your in depth answer. But like I said...i am NOT wanting a "bad boy".

    • No abusers are bad in the beginning. They eventually reveal themselves though. The fact that you tolerated the abuse for so long and still crave your boyfriend show that you need help or therapy. There's nothing wrong with therapy. Nobody "wants" a bad boy yet many girls like yourself subconsciously chose them.

    • Oh I know there isn't anything wrong with therapy...this is the ONLY guy that ever treated me this way so I don't think I subconsciously choose bad boys. This was just a very bad experience and I will never allow it to happen again. I learned so much from that relationship and for that I am actually thankful. I now know to never ever go against what your gut is telling you and I now know some red flags to watch for next time. Thanks for your response!

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What Guys Said 2

  • A person who really loved you would not have been abusive to you. Most women would have dropped the guy like a hot rock, even if they still had some feelings. You need to figure out what part of you over-rode your survival instincts and made you stay in an unhealthy, abusive relationship (which also, BTW, encouraged an abuser, making him think what he was doing was okay).

    I just wouldn't want you to make the same mistake again.

    • i def know why I stayed. it was because I was and still am scared of being alone for the rest of my life. it was also because I couldn't bare to think of him with someone else. I look back and see how stupid I was. but your right...he DID think what he did was OK. he always said it was my fault that he treated me that way. he is the type of person who thinks he can get away with stuff like that because no one stands up to him. I don't want to make that same mistake and I know I wont. thank you :)

  • Good call on the therapy. Wait till you have a job that has insurance that covers it and then go for sure. In the meantime, don't worry about dating. Just work on improving yourself. I like to think of a few different life categories: health, work, social, hobbies. Try to pick one goal in each and work on them every day. It gives you something to do and it will make you feel better. Over time you'll be totally ready to date and have sex!


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