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I just discovered I can be a truly toxic person in my relationship. How can I change?

Anonymous
Please no rude comments. At least I am admitting to my mistakes and I truly want to change because I love my man.

Long story short, my boyfriend isn't perfect and I've given him a lot of shit for it. However, I realize that most of the stuff he does that i dont like are just reactions to things I do. First of all, I intentionally distance myself to get his attention. It is really manipulative. I also ignore him and distance myself when we fight or when I get mad at him, because I want him to worry about the relationship. I also act like I never get jealous to prove to him that I could care less and that I know Im better than everyone.

The truth is guys... Im just hiding the fact that Im the most insecure girl out there. I get really jealous fast, but I have too much pride to show it. I almost never text first or reach out, because I have too much pride and I want him to work for the relationship.

Now you've heard a lot of bad things I do that seem really toxic, but here is proof that I really love him. I love to make amazing food for him. I help him sometimes financially, I support him through school and I've told him so many times how amazing he is. And I truly mean it!

I just need help and advice how I can get better. It bothers me and I realize I won't deserve anyone with this behavior.
I just discovered I can be a truly toxic person in my relationship. How can I change?
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