During. What if it was during a rocky patch for you guys and she had felt neglected by you?
How rocky? If we had split up at the time, then it wouldn't be so bad, but if we were still a couple and just going through a difficult time, then I think it's still a deal breaker.My opinion is that if you intend to stay together, then you try to work through the problems with each other. Getting emotional support from a friend is fine. Sexual activity with someone else is not.I don't want to have to worry that every time we have a disagreement she's going to cheat with some other guy. That's no way to live. Trust is really important. If I can only trust her when everything is fine, but not during more difficult times, that would be pretty hard to live with.
I'm assuming you are asking this because you did that. I think you've put yourself in a very difficult situation. If you tell him, he might break up with you. If you don't tell him and he finds out some other way, then he'll almost certainly break up with you. There's no risk free option now. Probably telling him and apologizing profusely is the best option, but there's no guarantee that he'll accept the apology and stay with you.If you would like to explain the whole story about your relationship and what led you to do that (either here or by private message) I can tell you how upset I would be and whether I might consider staying in the relationship. Unless it was unusual circumstances though, I doubt that I would stay. If I did, it would take a long time to be able to trust you again.
It's a messy situation sometimes. He and I have very different lives as people. We don't mix with the same type of people. I do get along with his friends but he doesn't really get along with mine. We live together and we've got a little boy, he's almost two.We've been together for a while and in the beginning, we just worked. It was instant. We just clicked. You know how they say opposites attract- it was like that for us. For the most part, we are still like that, but we did drift apart for a while. We have very different jobs with very different working hours and like I said we just have very different lifestyles. We have times when we still have a physical relationship but he can almost pretty much ignore me the rest of the time. It's like he has far more important things going on, and I know he does not it's not nice to feel almost invisible apart from when he wants sex. It reduces your relationship to not much at all.The other guy I met. He's more on the same wave length as me and we spent a lot of time together. I was happy around him. I knew he liked me and it was nice. I considered leaving my partner. Not for that guy, just because I wanted to at that time, but it would have meant taking my son out of his home and looking for somewhere else to live. I still considered it. I told my partner that I didn't think we were working anymore, that he and i were just too different and that maybe we should think about where we go from here, and he said that I couldn't leave him. He looked so hurt and I felt so bad in that moment. Right now, things are good for us. It feels like things are back to normal.What happened with that guy, I just don't feel like it's worth saying anything about, but feel wrong for not doing so at the same time. Sorry this was such a long reply.
No need to apologize for the length. More information helps me understand the situation better and I think I do now. I certainly have more sympathy for your situation now than I did after reading the initial question with few details.Have you ever taken the 5 love languages quiz at www.5lovelanguages.com? If so and you're willing to share the results, I'd be interested in that.I'm high on Quality Time so I'd never be happy in a situation like you are with limited interaction with my partner. I like close, deep relationships with a lot of time together, so any kind of cheating would be very hurtful to me and likely cause me to leave.Though it seems that you have a connection with him and apparently he likes having you as a partner since he seemed so hurt when you suggested splitting up, I can understand you feeling unappreciated when he seems to only be interested in being with you for sex. Especially if you have an average or higher than average score for Quality Time, I think that would be hard. Do you think you want to stay with him even with things as they are? Or do you need changes and more time with him in order to be happy?I'm willing to discuss this further with you and try to help you decide what to do but it's late here and I need to get some sleep.I can add more tomorrow. If you can answer the questions I just asked and let me know what your top love languages are that will help.
I think maybe the first thing for you to figure out is whether you want to stay in this relationship. Is the occasional time you get with him (mostly centered around sex it seems) enough for you? Can you be happy with that long term? If not, then it's pretty likely that you'll find yourself tempted to do something with another guy again when you're feeling abandoned and unappreciated. You can hope that your guy will change and pay more attention to you if you tell him how important that is, but it's probably more likely that nothing will change and you'll have what you have. Is that enough? Or do you really want a closer relationship with someone that you spend a lot more time with? The child of course makes a decision to leave more difficult. Does your partner spend any more time with your son than with you? Or is there not really much of a relationship there either? That could be a factor.
If you decide you're staying because you think you can be happy with what you have for the long run, then I think you have to think about how you think he'll react if you tell him what happened with that other guy. It's safe to assume he won't be happy about it, but do you think it will drive him away or perhaps be a wakeup call to him that he needs to pay more attention to you and give you more of what you need in a relationship? Have you ever heard him talk about cheating to know how much it would upset him?I think openness and honesty are really important in a relationship and not telling him would clearly violate that, but I suppose that if you're committed to staying, are confident that you'll be happy enough that you won't do something like that again, and think it will drive him away if you tell him, then maybe there's a case for not telling him. But you might have to live with a feeling of guilt about hiding it from him and if he ever finds out some other way, it would probably be worse than if you told him.So I don't think there's a good answer. The best you can do is consider all the factors and weigh the benefits and risks of each choice and then decide what to do.Good luck. I hope it works out well whatever you choose to do. Let me know if you'd like to discuss it further.And if you do decide to tell him, it would be interesting to hear what his reaction is and how it turns out.
Hi, thank you for replying. I'm really not sure at the moment. Things are good now, but I'm not sure how long that will last. I am happy with him, but I could also be happy without him. He is a good dad. I can't say anything bad about him in that sense. . He has surprised me with how much he actually likes being a dad. I was quite unsure about it when I found ai was pregnant, I thought it might break us, and that he'd resent it somehow, but he's brilliant. I know all relationships have ups and downs, and I always thought we would survive anything. He's my man. As far as I was concerned, he always would be. Finding this other guy I met so addictive to be around blindsided me a little. I'm not really sure about the future anymore. I can't say.
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No, I'm not making it up, otherwise I wouldn't have asked. You know when you genuinely, genuinely regret something and you think "well I could say something, but what would be the point" but then you feel bad because it's almost a betrayal for them not to know... I could have had sex with that other guy, but I didn't, so there is a part of me that just wants to leave it now, and another part of me that it is still weighing on.
Rule number 1 - NEVER kiss and tell. EVER. EVER.If you fuck around with somebody else, but you want to KEEP your primary relationship, you NEVER tell them anything. EVER. Take it to your grave. Do not push off your own guilt onto someone else. This is lower than a snakes belly in a wagon wheel track. ;)And quit fucking around on your man, or dump him and just fuck around. Guys just don't deserve this behavior from the one they love. It's disgusting.
It was one time that it happened. I don't go looking for, or hoping for stuff to happen with other guys. He was a guy I got close to when my partner and I weren't so close. We went through a time when I felt like I was the only one trying to make things work. I was kind of down on myself. It was nice to have someone's attention. That's all.
This level of neediness and desperation will be your undoing. I guarantee it. If you're actually trying to hold a relationship together, you don't fuck someone else. Just move on. You both deserve better.