1 mo

How to overcome trust issues?

I've had couple of long term relationships, bunch of short term relationships, lots of hookups and few one night stands. You could say I'm "experienced" but honestly all it gave me are huge trust issues. I am not lying about this but 90% of all those breakups were initiated by them in the worst possible ways (mostly ghosting). They all started very good for few months and then poof. Never knowing why. I really worked on myself trying to figure out the pattern and how to improve my choosing of men (because what else could it be) and I never came to a conclusion. There is no pattern, there's nothing I've been doing that caused this. It's impossible to recognize the signs early on because all those men were extremely good to me in the beginning, which put my walls down. I've never had a fight with any boyfriend, all of my relationships were very communicative. No drama. I've been told so many times that I am the most reasonable person in the world and they want to marry me. I really believe they did love me... until they didn't anymore. Once the honeymoon phase is over and real life kicks in, they disappear.
So because of that, for years now, I am unable to fully give myself in to any relationship. I am dating a man now that seems great and all but I am expecting him to disappear too. I get butterflies when we kiss and I daydream about him, but then reality (trust issues) kicks in and I stop myself from it. And on the slightest "warning" (like not getting a goodnight text one time) I push him away, I'm cold and uninterested, I go on about my day and wait for him to just ghost already. There is nothing he or any man I date can do about it, I always think the worst. I don't even know what would assure me, there is nothing.
I think the only way I let go of trust issues is waking up next to him 10 years into our marriage. Or risk it again and fall in love and enjoy while it lasts and then die from heartache when he leaves me.
How to overcome trust issues?
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