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Why am I having such a hard time moving on from someone I never dated?

Anonymous

So roughly two years ago I was rejected by this guy who I met through our mutual friends about a month before he'd reject me. He started avoiding me like a plague and ghosted me. I haven't seen him for almost a year. No online stalking or texting. And yet, I still think about him every single day. He was the most caring and nurturing person I've ever met. He would carry my key and wallet when we're at the bar and I was drunk. He would listen to me ranting until 2 am even when he had to work the next day. I wish he wasn't that nice to me.
I regret acting like a bitch (I'm not really bitchy but I was so into him that I couldn't be myself around him. I was always drunk bc he made me so nervous that I needed help from alcohol to just talk to him). I pretended like I had eyes on other dudes. I once told him that I just wanted to be friends. Why the fuck did I say that? I flirted with his coworkers to just get attention from him. Why the fuck did I do that?
Now I'm on the other side of the world due to this fucking corona and I'm not sure if I could even see him again. I feel stuck and depressed.
Why am I having such a hard time moving on from someone I never dated?
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