Dilemma: tried changing my dating pattern but I still only attract narcissistic abusers. Should I finally accept and settle?

Question

I grew up with a narcissistic mother, from 22-26 i had the best relationships. Nice guys, at 25 i fell madly in love with someone I knew already. We remained very connected for the next 4/5 years but broke up after a year because I was moving and other things. He was always there for me, loving and kind. After that I didn’t really date or meet anyone and lived by “if its meant to be it will come” (well that was nonsense). Then at 29 i tried to be a little more proactive, i met someone at a party. We lasted a month since I could very early on see the red flags. After that I met 2/3 more such guys. I met one very nice guy before my last ex (who was the ultimate narcissist) but even after a few months I couldn’t like him more. I have liked nice guys and i usually like reserved decent slightly awkward guys but somehow luck has never favoured me in love. The nice guys I like, don’t like me back. I took timeout especially with lockdown to work on myself and to understand how the last 2/3 years i didn’t attract good guys. But I think I’ve worked so hard, tried everything and now im 32. Maybe standing by myself, dumping every shady guy as soon as red flags emerged (by the way somehow I always foudn out months down the line that these guys were indeed horrible so my instinct is strong) was for nothing.

i mean this for the older people out there, maybe the trade-off isn’t worth it? Should i settle for an abuser since those are the only ones willing to marry me?

thank and you please be sensitive:)

Answer 1

btbc92

Influencer

You need professional counseling, Jesus in your life mostly because only he can heal you and your pain. But until you know that only YOU can truly desire to change your selfish ways then it won't change. The reason why you keep having these problems from what I've read and from other replies. You want everything! And you can't. You never learned to be happy alone, so you keep finding men to accept you because you don't love yourself. That's the source. The root is your mom who sadly helped beat you down as a person. You have to first learn to LOVE YOURSELF AGAIN. Baby steps. It is not a race. And if it takes a few years, so be in. Focus on yourself because you claimed that you believed in waiting. But here is a problem. Not only did you NOT believed that it could happen for you, but that you wasted those years basically moping instead of growing. Their nice guys, BUT are they KIND MEN? No.

Your problem is that you rush into relationships instead of making sure that men build your trust as a FRIEND. Stop dating strangers. Because strangers don't owe you kindness. You owe yourself the love you need. Take this from somebody who NEVER DATED. And yet I am still alive, thriving, and surviving. You can overcome it. But you have to badly want it. And it starts by letting go, and let God be the one to order your steps. For he is forever faithful.

React

Asker

1 y
Not all of them are strangers, if I didn’t love myself I’d stay with these guys and lack boundaries. I have my faith, its not those things.
btbc92

1 y
Loving yourseld is not doing what your doing because you wouldn't be having those problems or attracting those men. It's not about staying with those guys. It's about what's really deep inside of you that hasn't been fixed. Because first of all yes it is those things. Because it wasn't things you would not be keep having that problem. I know because I went through similar issues before growing up. It's not too much of changing your dating pattern. Because you still haven't healed from your narcissistic mother.
Asker

1 y
How did you go through the change? Because I have meditated, I have worked on myself, i surround myself with positive people but also ones I can learn from, I genuinely only like nice guys. Don’t we all attrCt bad people? Isn’t it only wrong when we are attracted to them too? In my case, i try to give them a chance (indeed not yet seeing they are narcs but also because I want to be more open minded). How did the shift happen for you?
Show All Show Less
btbc92

1 y
It starts by trusting God and going to his word. Stop putting your wheel before Gods. God orders your steps and everything in your life. When you put your trust in God and everything begins to fall into place. You would not only have the knowledge but you will have the wisdom and discernment to stay away from those kind of people. At the same time he will also increase you to where it won't affect you as much as it did before.

The problem is that you like nice guys. But what about kind guys? Anybody can be nice. Even narcissist. That's why you keep on getting them. I attract them all the time. And I still do. That doesn't mean that I go after them. I'm not going out to anybody anyway. When you have your mind focused and spent on God you begin to realize that nothing else matters down here. Only God, and through his son Jesus we have salvation guaranteed with him. But because we fall short of the glory of God every single day, so do we also make potentially lose the chance of Salvation every day. That's why we pray. That's why we repent. That's what we ask for forgiveness. That's why we grow, we would sure, and we continue to move forward in Christ. Everybody go to the process. But you have to be willing to go through the storm and then come out alright. But know that you're not alone you go through it. Because if you keep on going through the same issues that also means that you may not be learning something that you still have to learn. Something that you're missing that must be taught.

You must go through the process of Deliverance and healing. And that's where your main focus should be. Not one men. Not what goes on down here in your life. But how can you get healed fully and completely? Only God can do that. But you are the one that has to make him not just your all but to declare that he is your healer and that he is a God that heals thee.
btbc92

1 y
https://youtu.be/0H2PxM4LmnM
btbc92

1 y
You mustn't just declare it, you must also believe it!
Asker

1 y
So I have my faith which is so private that I will not comment but it is similar to your values and perspective.

I don’t think you get it, when I say nice I mean kind men with integrity who are secure and respectful of all. Narcissists lack this completely. I aim for those guys but when these narcissists come along, I think well... i should keep an open mind and give someone outside my type a chance. And oh boy are those outside my type usually filth.

I have spent a year putting my faith into a higher being but I must say, nothing changes. i’m glad it did for you and i wish you all the happiness and health. Not all of us are as lucky. Yes maybe there are things to heal, things I did heal... but then experiences prove I’m stupid to dream or believe I deserve more.

Either way, for me its time to settle down. I don’f want to be single anymore and so I’m willing to accept that if I had to find true joy i would have. Take care and thank you for taking the time to comment
btbc92

1 y
@Asker

I understand exactly what you're saying. But I am telling you call them kind not nice. If I didn't already say this before then I will say it now. It is expected to be nice but it's another to be kind. And not everybody is kind and not everybody have kindness.

It's not that nothing changes is because again you have a self-serving attitude and that's why your perspective haven't changed at all. It's again understanding about why do you need to be dating in the first place. Did you bother even wondering if you're even call for that kind of life? Not everybody is called for that. But again it doesn't have to be that way with you having to settle down you don't have to do anything. But if that's the life you want to take them that's your choice. But remember that it's your choice. That doesn't mean that that's what God has for you to do.

Answer 2

Asker

Not all of them are strangers, if I didn’t love myself I’d stay with these guys and lack boundaries. I have my faith, its not those things.

Answer 3

btbc92

Loving yourseld is not doing what your doing because you wouldn't be having those problems or attracting those men. It's not about staying with those guys. It's about what's really deep inside of you that hasn't been fixed. Because first of all yes it is those things. Because it wasn't things you would not be keep having that problem. I know because I went through similar issues before growing up. It's not too much of changing your dating pattern. Because you still haven't healed from your narcissistic mother.

Answer 4

Asker

How did you go through the change? Because I have meditated, I have worked on myself, i surround myself with positive people but also ones I can learn from, I genuinely only like nice guys. Don’t we all attrCt bad people? Isn’t it only wrong when we are attracted to them too? In my case, i try to give them a chance (indeed not yet seeing they are narcs but also because I want to be more open minded). How did the shift happen for you?

Answer 5

btbc92

It starts by trusting God and going to his word. Stop putting your wheel before Gods. God orders your steps and everything in your life. When you put your trust in God and everything begins to fall into place. You would not only have the knowledge but you will have the wisdom and discernment to stay away from those kind of people. At the same time he will also increase you to where it won't affect you as much as it did before.

The problem is that you like nice guys. But what about kind guys? Anybody can be nice. Even narcissist. That's why you keep on getting them. I attract them all the time. And I still do. That doesn't mean that I go after them. I'm not going out to anybody anyway. When you have your mind focused and spent on God you begin to realize that nothing else matters down here. Only God, and through his son Jesus we have salvation guaranteed with him. But because we fall short of the glory of God every single day, so do we also make potentially lose the chance of Salvation every day. That's why we pray. That's why we repent. That's what we ask for forgiveness. That's why we grow, we would sure, and we continue to move forward in Christ. Everybody go to the process. But you have to be willing to go through the storm and then come out alright. But know that you're not alone you go through it. Because if you keep on going through the same issues that also means that you may not be learning something that you still have to learn. Something that you're missing that must be taught.

You must go through the process of Deliverance and healing. And that's where your main focus should be. Not one men. Not what goes on down here in your life. But how can you get healed fully and completely? Only God can do that. But you are the one that has to make him not just your all but to declare that he is your healer and that he is a God that heals thee.

Answer 6

btbc92

https://youtu.be/0H2PxM4LmnM

Answer 7

btbc92

You mustn't just declare it, you must also believe it!

Answer 8

Asker

So I have my faith which is so private that I will not comment but it is similar to your values and perspective.

I don’t think you get it, when I say nice I mean kind men with integrity who are secure and respectful of all. Narcissists lack this completely. I aim for those guys but when these narcissists come along, I think well... i should keep an open mind and give someone outside my type a chance. And oh boy are those outside my type usually filth.

I have spent a year putting my faith into a higher being but I must say, nothing changes. i’m glad it did for you and i wish you all the happiness and health. Not all of us are as lucky. Yes maybe there are things to heal, things I did heal... but then experiences prove I’m stupid to dream or believe I deserve more.

Either way, for me its time to settle down. I don’f want to be single anymore and so I’m willing to accept that if I had to find true joy i would have. Take care and thank you for taking the time to comment

Answer 9

btbc92

@Asker

I understand exactly what you're saying. But I am telling you call them kind not nice. If I didn't already say this before then I will say it now. It is expected to be nice but it's another to be kind. And not everybody is kind and not everybody have kindness.

It's not that nothing changes is because again you have a self-serving attitude and that's why your perspective haven't changed at all. It's again understanding about why do you need to be dating in the first place. Did you bother even wondering if you're even call for that kind of life? Not everybody is called for that. But again it doesn't have to be that way with you having to settle down you don't have to do anything. But if that's the life you want to take them that's your choice. But remember that it's your choice. That doesn't mean that that's what God has for you to do.

Answer 10

Shruxee

Xper 3

I’m not technically older but to give my two cents, I don’t think it’s ever worth settling for someone abusive. Ask yourself, is what you’re getting out of the relationship worth the stress or putting up with the abuse? I’m guessing 99% of times, it’s probably a no. What if someone special eventually did come in your direction and you’ve settled for and married said abuser? Just a couple of bits to think about. Sorry to hear what you’ve been through though. I understand the struggle of growing up with narcissistic/abusive parents.

React

Asker

1 y
Aww sweet reply! Thing is, I always spoke like you. Stood by it, my serious relationships were only with decent guys (since I can’t respect moronic gamers etc). But I’ve been waiting and looking for 6 years now... it doesn’t get better. No matter what I do, I meet men who want shallow girls or just to control etc. Its a new world... earlier I met men who were looking for the classy beautiful girl. Now, I feel like I don’t have options and those are really my only options.. its all I have been meeting, even when I try to avoid and give “simpler” guys a chance. I want kids and I’m 32, im waiting for something that may never come...
Shruxee

1 y
Ah yes, of course, I didn’t consider that you might want children, sorry! There’s always other ways to do that though, rather than putting yourself through an abusive marriage. Adoption for one or if you want you own kids, having it artificially done could be an option. I guess it’s hard for me to view from a woman’s perspective but I feel like those options would be more suitable than getting stuck with someone you can’t stand the sight of. Also it’s worth thinking about but if you settle for someone who’s willing to abuse you, what might that mean for any children that come onto the scene?

I’m very much the kind of person that’d rather always be alone than be with someone I’m not 100% about, so maybe I’m being a tad bias in all this.
Asker

1 y
This is where age comes in, i never settled and look where I am now. I dont want kids alone and honestly my last guy... i could have stayed with him, i wouldn't have love but so many couples dont. I would have other things/benefits
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Shruxee

1 y
Yeah that’s understandable. Wishing you the best in whatever decision you make though 🙂 Take care of yourself.
Asker

1 y
Thank you:), may you always find happiness in everything!

Answer 11

Asker

Aww sweet reply! Thing is, I always spoke like you. Stood by it, my serious relationships were only with decent guys (since I can’t respect moronic gamers etc). But I’ve been waiting and looking for 6 years now... it doesn’t get better. No matter what I do, I meet men who want shallow girls or just to control etc. Its a new world... earlier I met men who were looking for the classy beautiful girl. Now, I feel like I don’t have options and those are really my only options.. its all I have been meeting, even when I try to avoid and give “simpler” guys a chance. I want kids and I’m 32, im waiting for something that may never come...

Answer 12

Shruxee

Ah yes, of course, I didn’t consider that you might want children, sorry! There’s always other ways to do that though, rather than putting yourself through an abusive marriage. Adoption for one or if you want you own kids, having it artificially done could be an option. I guess it’s hard for me to view from a woman’s perspective but I feel like those options would be more suitable than getting stuck with someone you can’t stand the sight of. Also it’s worth thinking about but if you settle for someone who’s willing to abuse you, what might that mean for any children that come onto the scene?

I’m very much the kind of person that’d rather always be alone than be with someone I’m not 100% about, so maybe I’m being a tad bias in all this.

Answer 13

Asker

This is where age comes in, i never settled and look where I am now. I dont want kids alone and honestly my last guy... i could have stayed with him, i wouldn't have love but so many couples dont. I would have other things/benefits

Answer 14

Shruxee

Yeah that’s understandable. Wishing you the best in whatever decision you make though 🙂 Take care of yourself.

Answer 15

Asker

Thank you:), may you always find happiness in everything!

Answer 16

OlderAndWiser | 9.2K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Influencer

Settle for an abuser and you are consigning yourself to a lifetime of misery.

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1 Person

Asker

1 y
But I’m no happier being single and I don’t seem to meet nice guys. The nice guys I do meet, just don’t want me. The narcissists are the only ones who want to settle down with me
OlderAndWiser

1 y
Then you need to change your strategy for how/where you meet guys.
Asker

1 y
I did! I tried to change the type of guy i go for, changed my hobbies, worked on building myself, tried to understand how id like to make a partner feel etc. Everything... too much work, no results
Show All Show Less
OlderAndWiser

1 y
Perhaps you should consult a dating coach. What do you think, @coachtanthony?
coachTanthony

1 y
@OlderAndWiser Nobody attracts a certain person... it’s when the person shows you those narcissistic personality traits you are unconsciously drawn to that behavior for whatever reason and allow them to stay in your life too long! Just odd the top of my head this could be what’s going on!
Asker

1 y
@coachTanthony hmm but I dump within a month or max 2 months since I am so adept at seeing those red flags (having seen it in my mother)... also with love bombing, you spend a lot of time with such a person so it doesn’t take long. I have had 2 very healthy and good relationships so i know how good should feel and I don’t waste time on people who show red flags early on (all narcs do if you pay attention).

With the nice guys, they just somehow don’t like me enough. So all im left with are these controlling abusers.
coachTanthony

1 y
@asker Anybody can go on a bad date it’s the ones who cut people off early that are successful... one month is too long! It’s not so much about the red flags as giving a guy a chance that doesn’t meet your standards!
Asker

1 y
@coachTanthony spot on! The last 3 duds I met, I remember not being so keen but telling myself to be more open (lowering my standards or what id wish for). That I’m too picky and the ones I want aren’t happening so I should change direction or widen the pool. Whenever I change direction/widen the pool, I meet a horrible guy. I know many girls like bad boys, I never have. But I feel like I’m too picky or waiting for something I can’t have (since thats what experience shows) or maybe I simply don’t deserve it. Age definitely plays a role, i would never tell anyone to settle. But for me, the benefits of being single don’t outweigh being with someone and finally starting a family. I feel like I gave it my best shot. I've worked on my wounds, worked on my insecurities (which were career wise, some emotional baggage and to be fitter). I finally got to doing things I always wanted to and found more peace within. But i have reached a crossroad, how many crappy guys will I keep rejecting in hopes of finding something elusive? I definitely questioned: what will the type of man i want value. I belieev i am the package, im a phd, empathetic, social, classy, sometimes a goof and i want a partner with who those qualities can match. But those guys don’t choose me.
coachTanthony

1 y
@asker You should follow me on Instagram. I am doing an Instagram live next Tuesday night with a girl named Megan... she found the one on match. com after going on more than 40 dates! I think it would be a good listen for you! Check it out! My IG is TheDateCoach!
OlderAndWiser

1 y
"I definitely questioned: what will the type of man i want value." DO NOT try to change yourself into the kind of person you think those guys will want; you must be yourself and be accepted or rejected for who you are. HOWEVER, earlier this year, I dated a university professor and while she had many great attributes and is quite attractive, she was also arrogant and condescending. I am an attorney so I am not intimidated by a Ph. D. but I can see how many guys could possibly be afraid of not measuring up to your standards. What is your occupation or profession?
Asker

1 y
But why would they ask me out if that is the case? Also most of these guys are doctors, etc themselves. I work in venture capital, nothing too special. I also notice their previous or next partners are highly educated and succesful. I don’t try to change myself, but I do try to assess what I am willing to accept or not and what I feel comfortable cultivating within myself. Either way, for me it feels impossible, no matter what circumstance, what emotional state I am in... i get the same controlling type man willing to marry me (the last guy introduced me asap, talked rings and was all trophy wife prepping (yuck)). I've met nice guys along the wya but nothing evolves. And im tired of trying to figure it out. I've rejected so many guys for their major red flags... and i don’t make excuses. Insecure men are dangerous. My friends have always said I've been smart that way. I know i have been. Yet here i am single, while they move forward. Im willing to settle, just i dont see why its such a problem (probably because I've never stayed with someone long enough for them to abuse me so i dont understand the effects and i see other women accept it). My longterm relationships were balanced, respectful. i know luck plays a big role, but luck is unpredictable. And so many people settle. Its not like im choosing to settle at 20, nor am I going in like i did in 2019... im going in aware that those men will never love or value me. I won’t lie, i can be arrogant with rude entitled people but im very humble otheriwse. On the contrary, my phd has attracted more guys than i woudlnhave without. Nor am i condescending. Ultimately, i can't force myself to like someone i don’t (its unfair to him), i can’t attract my dream man, and i can’t keep waiting while rejecting the abusers willing to settle down with me.
OlderAndWiser

1 y
Did you part with some of these good guys on amicable terms? Have you ever considered reaching out to them and asking for some honest feedback on what made them run away?
Asker

1 y
The nice guys? No since it was one or two dates, they don’t run away.. it just never takes off even. The jerks I don’t part with amicably no, I dump them and make sure to have a clean cut or i know id be weak and keep them around in some form. And well my longterm ex knows me for 8 years, he has given me some tips but more within relationships. with the guys.. he says the ones I’ve dated are just horrible (some he knows personally). I guess those nice guys just have more options? Also its up to them right, what woudl it change for me. My question is really more about not fighting it anymore, to accept what i can get and if its really so bad? Is the struggle I've bene through and going through worth it? Being single is no fun either, all my friends settled down and being the odd one out etc. Marriage brings many benefits, my last guy was filthy rich and everything was on track.. both families approved etc. I however didn’t like the pathological lying, the attempt to make me feel bad for succeedinf in anything, being jealous of anyone liking me etc, the potential cheating, the reckless drunk driving.. it goes on and on. And then the next guy i met, maybe not as bad but also vain and narcissistic (in the disorder way and not the popcorn term thrown around). And 2 weeks ago, same. A guy i met and i could tell immediately that he is fake. But i can’t kepe going through life rejecting guys. And no, im not selecting the wrong guys. These are the only guys asking me out (besides creeps). Before lockdown, dating was a bit better for me but that time is gone
OlderAndWiser

1 y
The vaccine will start getting released within 60 days and things will return -somewhat - to normal.

I understand you are frustrated. I am 65 years old and single! Believe me, I understand. But would you advise anyone else to settle for someone who is going to be abusive?
Asker

1 y
I don’t know anyone in my position so I can’t say. Most of my friends are happily settled down, the single ones refuse to settle and seem to be meeting nice guys. For me, if I think of the 3/4 men who I considered seriously in the last 2-3 years... all were narcissistic. I met a nice guy last March, exactly my type. Humble, genuine, secure and with similar values. But he lives far away and covid ruined chances of meeting. Nor does he seem sooo into me etc. He messages from thme to time thats it. I guess its my decision to make, it would be easier to know what I’d get into if someone who is with or has been with an abuser longterm could tell me. It seems to work, my options are limited. I really chose myself, prioritised finding a good man so never took that option away till i did, worked towards meeting him etc. Luck just never favoured me, one by one my friends settled down. Id rather be with a narcissist than single at this point. Of course id rather be with my dream guy but i can’t really ask for that...
Asker

1 y
@coachTanthony will do!

Answer 17

Asker

But I’m no happier being single and I don’t seem to meet nice guys. The nice guys I do meet, just don’t want me. The narcissists are the only ones who want to settle down with me

Answer 18

OlderAndWiser

Then you need to change your strategy for how/where you meet guys.

Answer 19

Asker

I did! I tried to change the type of guy i go for, changed my hobbies, worked on building myself, tried to understand how id like to make a partner feel etc. Everything... too much work, no results

Answer 20

OlderAndWiser

Perhaps you should consult a dating coach. What do you think, @coachtanthony?

Answer 21

coachTanthony

@OlderAndWiser Nobody attracts a certain person... it’s when the person shows you those narcissistic personality traits you are unconsciously drawn to that behavior for whatever reason and allow them to stay in your life too long! Just odd the top of my head this could be what’s going on!

Answer 22

Asker

@coachTanthony hmm but I dump within a month or max 2 months since I am so adept at seeing those red flags (having seen it in my mother)... also with love bombing, you spend a lot of time with such a person so it doesn’t take long. I have had 2 very healthy and good relationships so i know how good should feel and I don’t waste time on people who show red flags early on (all narcs do if you pay attention).

With the nice guys, they just somehow don’t like me enough. So all im left with are these controlling abusers.

Answer 23

coachTanthony

@asker Anybody can go on a bad date it’s the ones who cut people off early that are successful... one month is too long! It’s not so much about the red flags as giving a guy a chance that doesn’t meet your standards!

Answer 24

Asker

@coachTanthony spot on! The last 3 duds I met, I remember not being so keen but telling myself to be more open (lowering my standards or what id wish for). That I’m too picky and the ones I want aren’t happening so I should change direction or widen the pool. Whenever I change direction/widen the pool, I meet a horrible guy. I know many girls like bad boys, I never have. But I feel like I’m too picky or waiting for something I can’t have (since thats what experience shows) or maybe I simply don’t deserve it. Age definitely plays a role, i would never tell anyone to settle. But for me, the benefits of being single don’t outweigh being with someone and finally starting a family. I feel like I gave it my best shot. I've worked on my wounds, worked on my insecurities (which were career wise, some emotional baggage and to be fitter). I finally got to doing things I always wanted to and found more peace within. But i have reached a crossroad, how many crappy guys will I keep rejecting in hopes of finding something elusive? I definitely questioned: what will the type of man i want value. I belieev i am the package, im a phd, empathetic, social, classy, sometimes a goof and i want a partner with who those qualities can match. But those guys don’t choose me.

Answer 25

coachTanthony

@asker You should follow me on Instagram. I am doing an Instagram live next Tuesday night with a girl named Megan... she found the one on match. com after going on more than 40 dates! I think it would be a good listen for you! Check it out! My IG is TheDateCoach!

Answer 26

OlderAndWiser

"I definitely questioned: what will the type of man i want value." DO NOT try to change yourself into the kind of person you think those guys will want; you must be yourself and be accepted or rejected for who you are. HOWEVER, earlier this year, I dated a university professor and while she had many great attributes and is quite attractive, she was also arrogant and condescending. I am an attorney so I am not intimidated by a Ph. D. but I can see how many guys could possibly be afraid of not measuring up to your standards. What is your occupation or profession?

Answer 27

Asker

But why would they ask me out if that is the case? Also most of these guys are doctors, etc themselves. I work in venture capital, nothing too special. I also notice their previous or next partners are highly educated and succesful. I don’t try to change myself, but I do try to assess what I am willing to accept or not and what I feel comfortable cultivating within myself. Either way, for me it feels impossible, no matter what circumstance, what emotional state I am in... i get the same controlling type man willing to marry me (the last guy introduced me asap, talked rings and was all trophy wife prepping (yuck)). I've met nice guys along the wya but nothing evolves. And im tired of trying to figure it out. I've rejected so many guys for their major red flags... and i don’t make excuses. Insecure men are dangerous. My friends have always said I've been smart that way. I know i have been. Yet here i am single, while they move forward. Im willing to settle, just i dont see why its such a problem (probably because I've never stayed with someone long enough for them to abuse me so i dont understand the effects and i see other women accept it). My longterm relationships were balanced, respectful. i know luck plays a big role, but luck is unpredictable. And so many people settle. Its not like im choosing to settle at 20, nor am I going in like i did in 2019... im going in aware that those men will never love or value me. I won’t lie, i can be arrogant with rude entitled people but im very humble otheriwse. On the contrary, my phd has attracted more guys than i woudlnhave without. Nor am i condescending. Ultimately, i can't force myself to like someone i don’t (its unfair to him), i can’t attract my dream man, and i can’t keep waiting while rejecting the abusers willing to settle down with me.

Answer 28

OlderAndWiser

Did you part with some of these good guys on amicable terms? Have you ever considered reaching out to them and asking for some honest feedback on what made them run away?

Answer 29

Asker

The nice guys? No since it was one or two dates, they don’t run away.. it just never takes off even. The jerks I don’t part with amicably no, I dump them and make sure to have a clean cut or i know id be weak and keep them around in some form. And well my longterm ex knows me for 8 years, he has given me some tips but more within relationships. with the guys.. he says the ones I’ve dated are just horrible (some he knows personally). I guess those nice guys just have more options? Also its up to them right, what woudl it change for me. My question is really more about not fighting it anymore, to accept what i can get and if its really so bad? Is the struggle I've bene through and going through worth it? Being single is no fun either, all my friends settled down and being the odd one out etc. Marriage brings many benefits, my last guy was filthy rich and everything was on track.. both families approved etc. I however didn’t like the pathological lying, the attempt to make me feel bad for succeedinf in anything, being jealous of anyone liking me etc, the potential cheating, the reckless drunk driving.. it goes on and on. And then the next guy i met, maybe not as bad but also vain and narcissistic (in the disorder way and not the popcorn term thrown around). And 2 weeks ago, same. A guy i met and i could tell immediately that he is fake. But i can’t kepe going through life rejecting guys. And no, im not selecting the wrong guys. These are the only guys asking me out (besides creeps). Before lockdown, dating was a bit better for me but that time is gone

Answer 30

OlderAndWiser

The vaccine will start getting released within 60 days and things will return -somewhat - to normal.

I understand you are frustrated. I am 65 years old and single! Believe me, I understand. But would you advise anyone else to settle for someone who is going to be abusive?

Answer 31

Asker

I don’t know anyone in my position so I can’t say. Most of my friends are happily settled down, the single ones refuse to settle and seem to be meeting nice guys. For me, if I think of the 3/4 men who I considered seriously in the last 2-3 years... all were narcissistic. I met a nice guy last March, exactly my type. Humble, genuine, secure and with similar values. But he lives far away and covid ruined chances of meeting. Nor does he seem sooo into me etc. He messages from thme to time thats it. I guess its my decision to make, it would be easier to know what I’d get into if someone who is with or has been with an abuser longterm could tell me. It seems to work, my options are limited. I really chose myself, prioritised finding a good man so never took that option away till i did, worked towards meeting him etc. Luck just never favoured me, one by one my friends settled down. Id rather be with a narcissist than single at this point. Of course id rather be with my dream guy but i can’t really ask for that...

Answer 32

Asker

@coachTanthony will do!

Answer 33

Anonymous

Give me a chance to warm your heart and show u we aren't all the same😉

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Answer 34

Anonymous

You need stefan molyneux

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Asker

1 y
Who...
Asker

1 y
Lol i’m brown... I've been with a prep school mysogynist though. He is a doctor with complete lack of empathy, morals or integrity. I didn’t last more than 2 months.. dont know how women are strong enough to stay

Answer 35

Asker

Who...

Answer 36

Asker

Lol i’m brown... I've been with a prep school mysogynist though. He is a doctor with complete lack of empathy, morals or integrity. I didn’t last more than 2 months.. dont know how women are strong enough to stay

Dilemma: tried changing my dating pattern but I still only attract narcissistic abusers. Should I finally accept and settle?

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