If most single moms are honest with themselves. They're looking for a guy can be a father figure for their children. As well as a man who will help with the bills unless she's well off financially.Which tends to be connected to moving in or her moving on to a guy who will. The average single mom is asking for a guy to take on the role and responsibilities of father without the respect or full power to be that in the family relationship.That's the primary problem. If a single mom can allow herself to let the man be the leader in the relationship. Put him first and really work with him with trust in his decisions. Then it can work.How many single moms do you know that have done that? If they have i bet they're happily with a new man. If they haven't I bet dating has been a struggle or they're "putting up with" a guy for the sake of stability while having a shit relationship, because she questions him and doesn't respect his role in the relationship
No, I don't have any kids yet. Thanks for sharing your answer.
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Here's the thing: you'll always be second to kids whether or not they're yours so if you can't handle that, it's still going to be an issue you'll face when you have your own.I don't think a woman can reasonably expect a new partner to raise her kids from someone else. If she wants financial support she should be claiming it legally from the father
@Maxilicious listen dude there is no such thing as marrying a woman with kids then not help her pay for her kids college. You sound like you lack life experience Here’s what’s gonna happen:Your wife is busy paying for her 2 kids college education which may cost her 40k-60k a year. Her annual salary is probably only 40-70k. She takes out a loan for her children. You’re gonna be responsible for the debt too because you are the husband. Debt collectors will come after you too, not only her Since your wife is paying most of her salary for her kids college, who is gonna be paying the mortgage , car insurance , property taxes , retirement , gas, internet , light bill? YOU WILL BE PAYING FOR EVERYTHING
@Maxilicious and if you are to complain about being second to YOUR OWN children, then I can already tell you won’t be a decent father. Decent fathers who love their children to the utmost , have no problem with their wives showering his kids with the utmost attention. Parents already have each other , kids don’t have anyone else to love them other than mom and dad.
@Maxilicious being a parent is all about selflessness. A Man Unwilling to be selfless is not a real parent at heart
That's why she gets the father to pay support as he is LEGALLY required.
@Maxilicious It depends on the arrangement. If the father is also the custodial parent, then he is not required to pay child support. This means if the kid lives with mom half the year and then the father half the year. But for college tuition payments, there is no guarantee that the step father won't have to help the wife pay. When your wife takes those loans out, you will immediately feel the financial consequences in your household.
It entirely depends on arrangements and future hubbies should take note before entering into such unions. Having said that, loans may well cover most if not all the fees. I don't see why parents would automatically pay for college when the child can take on the debt, work for grants, scholarships, get a side job, etc. College isn't for everyone, many kids don't have the ability or the willpower to knuckledown and do well in college so it's something to be earned not a right considering costs.
Now if a guy doesn't want to "sweat the details" and discuss and make agreement about finances before marriage - that's really foolish.
@Maxilicious Grants, scholarships are not substantial enough to cover most of your tuition. Scholarships and grants are difficult to get unless your child is exceptionally talented or skilled in something, which most kids aren't. There is a substantial sum that you must pay in order to send your child to college. And your child frequently won't have the credit history to take out 50k in loans. You will have to use YOUR credit history to take out such a huge loan. Even if you want to put the loans on your child. You will often be the CO SIGNER of the loan which means that if your child doesn't pay it back, creditors will pester you and your wife to pay them back until your death.
@Maxilicious listen dude, if you're willing to marry a step mom with two kids that are entering college. There is no real way to avoid being financially hurt by it.
Any loan that she takes out, you will also be legally responsible for. And even if you don't want to help pay the loan, she will be spending all her income paying back the loan and paying for tuition. You will be the only one left to pay all the bills, which leaves you poor as hell. And don't be surprised if she skips dinner for the night just because she wants to save up some more money to pay for her son's college.
that’s actually really sad.
Oh no that's awful. Do you think the ex will always be there to haunt us?
I don’t have experience with this honestly I only have second hand knowledge but I have a friend who is a single mom and every time the dad gets involved with someone she asks like she is crazy and starts drama and I can tell it’s just bc she is jealous.
I am single mom but the dad is not involved so I have never had baby daddy momma drama.
None of that makes me feel uncomfortable however, having to deal with a mean ex is what bothers me the most.
Couldn't agree more.
His kid lives in another country.
Your S/O's kid does?
If he's attentive to you but also has his moment with his kid, I think that'd be okay. How do you feel about it?
I absolutely love his daughter she can't talk yet but she's the sweetest little thing in the world and she likes me from the beginning. The reason why I asked this question because so many people my friends included said it's a nightmare to date someone who has kids and so far my experience has been great better than I could imagine.
Then you have nothing to worry about! I feel like if he sees that, he'll be comfortable that someone like you isn't bothered by him having kids.
True, it's not always the case but it's generally what I've seen.
That’s what child support is for. Not all exes are deadbeats. Not all exes cause drama. I don’t even talk to my ex unless it comes to something important about kiddo. I also manage to see my boyfriend all the time. But I also believe in giving her plenty of time with her dad too. Sorry hater.
Oh btw- I have a good job and my own home and car. All due to my hard work. Betcha hate that, don’t yah? Haha!!!
Actually jerk that’s what child support is for. That old line is invalid and overused.
@Sweetheart666 Don't you get sick and tired of these trolls? They troll the questions to find answers they don't like just to call them names. Troll
It popped up in my feed. I didn’t look for anything.
I'm in competition with the dad? Why would I be competing with my boyfriend? I don't understand.
In some cases, the real dad wants to be there for the kids, and he might not like that another guy could raise his kids, especially if he doesn't have the same views on education.If he's completely gone, it's fine, but if he's not, it's not just you and your boyfriend. It's you, your ex, and your boyfriend.
What are you talking about? The real dad is my boyfriend.
First, your question never said anything about you, it was a general question.Second, if he is, then you're not even concerned by your own question, and my answer to it.
I have no idea what are you saying. First you say "You're in competition with the dad." why would I want to compete with my boyfriend? Then you say "In some cases, the real dad wants to be there for the kids, and he might not like that another guy could raise his kids" who's the other guy I really don't get it.
dude you just causing lots of confusion here. first you're talking to her as if she's a guy. she's a woman who's dating a guy who has a kid why are you talking about other man raising his kid when the real Dad is her partner duh
@Guanfei. Stop and think, I believe that @sheikalana is the person dating someone with kids not her.There lies the flaw with stereotyping or assumptions. You obviously assumed it would be the woman with kids not the guy.I may be wrong but I try to look at things from all directions, free from stereotypes, assumptions or biases.
@raphaella_goncalves allaboutyou2 The hell are you both talking about? I'm not even talking to her at the beginning, I'm answering her question, it's her who bring up her personal situation when I didn't even talk about it.Stop trying to defend someone who wasn't even concerned by my answer.
@Guanfei why do you assume she needs defending?I was actually trying to clarify things to you because it appeared that you were the one confused by her reply.If @sheikalana was not concerned about your question why would she have taken the time to reply, replying to a question is not the actions of a dismissive person.
@allaboutyou2 Because, just like you and the other guy, she thought I was talking about her, for whatever reason since at no point I mentioned her. My original comment never mentioned her, or talk about her, in any way.
I'm not planning to do that I'm not her parent.
Why would you want to? You think the child likes all the drama?
And, yeah, some ex may still be in her life. Usually too much drama altogether.
Mistake? Yikes. Why are any kids any more of mistakes than What you are? You have parents too. All of the things you are listing should be standard, children should come first. People divorce, it is 2020. But I don’t encourage people to get involved with people who have kids, for the kids sake, not the new boyfriend/girlfriend.
The kids aren't the mistake. The person she had them with is the mistake.
It is an ex. Love ends. We are not living a 100 years ago when divorce was illegal. It is quite extreme to stretch a relationship with the same person for your entire life, unless you are REALLY right for eachother. But most people in couples aren’t that perfect with each other. Doesn’t mean they are mistakes, love biology can keep up our interest for 7 years but after that it often resolves.
Then why get married? Marriage is for better or for worse. For rich or for poor. In sickness and in health. Till death do us part. Why take the vows if you're not going to honor them?
When someone gets married they're not getting married to file a divorce years later. When they make their vows they say them with hopes things work between the two. But we can't predict the future we can't predict that you will fall out of love with someone, you can't predict you both were not made for each other, you can't predict anything. Seeing your parents constantly arguing and fighting with each other is way more traumatizing then seeing your parents going through a divorce.
It's not whether you make plans for it or not. For better or for worse means just that. You're not supposed to dump your partner when things get bad. marriage is something that you go through together regardless of what happens. I can think of very few exceptions that someone would get divorced that wouldn't go against the vows they took. That being said going back to the original question I don't think that it's realistic to expect someone else to pick up the slack for someone else's mistake. the simple fact is that if you have a family with someone you should probably do your best to try and keep everything together rather than dumping them for whatever reason and trying to find a better deal. So no I don't think there's anything positive about dating someone that has kids. the fact that they have kids and no partner means that someone fucked up.
Sure, you can't predict the future. But if you're too unpredictable to stay with the person you commited to (voluntarily) and keep a family going for more than a few years after you started it, you shouldn't have started it in the first place. That's the mistake the guy above is talking about. Sure, people make mistakes, and if you don't mind taking responsibility for them and paying for them yourself, nobody is stopping you. But since you asked what the disadvantages of dating a single parent are, it's fair to point out why it may be a bad idea.
Thank you @Eridan for explaining that. I'm not sure how much clearer I could have been.
@Vewrie Kids are mistakes when they came from a crap relationship since kids should always come from a stable relationship first.
Yeah, it does not work that way in modern times, I thought you had noticed. I am surprised by how many guys here reason as if their ideal society is some sharia law based one. I am not married so I can’t speak for myself but why do you think people get married in the WESTERN world?
@Maxilicious That is just naive of you. I guarantee you that some of the most prominent human beings through history have had parents that did not live eachother forever.
@Vewrie believe it or not that is how it works in modern society. Regardless of whether you conform to that idea or not. The simple fact of the matter is that most guys will not consider dating someone that already has kids that are not their own. If you're not married and you have kids then that's the problem right there. you're two options now or to stick it out being a single parent, or get back with the father of your children and try to work things out. I would also recommend that you try to pass on your words of wisdom to the next generation so they don't make the same mistakes. You could always get lucky and find the guy who is willing, and then the poorest app will learn the same lesson that the rest of us already know the hard way.
@Vewrie That doesn't mean anything or change the fact that couples SHOULD be good together before trying to reproduce
Yea but I guess that's not her business because in the end of the day that's not our biological child unless he's abusing/mistreating his child that the only time I would intervene.
But his child lives in another country.
Then there is no disadvantage. Except, if he don't want children. And you do.
Of the kids?
Yea... Imagine if they're bratz... Ugh!
No one is asking you to help raise their kid. The just happen to have one
I'm not raising or educating anyone his kid lives in another country.
What? I'm on my 30s.
So if you're in your 30s you should have a PRETTY good idea of what the disadvantages of dating someone who has kids is, no?
I don't because I don0t have kids and never dated anyone who has kids either. That's why I'm asking this question.
Good Lord! How did you actually make it into your 30s and you're NOT able to figure this out?