Do abusers really mean it when they say they’ll change and ask for a second chance?

[Screenwriter]

Abusers always say they're sorry and they won't ever do it again. And for awhile, they can usually stop their abuse.
But they're like alcoholics and drug addicts. It takes REHAB for them to stop. Lots of therapy, 12 step programs, constant vigilence.
Unless someone who's abusive commits to longterm therapy and working out their issues, they will never stop abusing others.
It's better for you to leave an abuser than to hope they mean that they will change, UNLESS they are at work on help to change through therapy and group programs RIGHT NOW.
No promises about the future. No stating that they don't need that kind of help they can do it on their own. This isn't quitting smoking. Their actions ACTIVELY injure other people.
Unless this is a longterm relationship that you've invested a lot in: children, home, family connections, move on.
There are far more people who are NOT ABUSIVE around who you can make friends with, who you can trust to NOT abuse you emotionally or physically. Seek them out.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people do change... but when it comes to physical abusers, I have yet to personally only know one who has taken the steps to change. I will give two personal life scenerios..

1. My ex of 7 years; my children's father. He was narcissistic and manipulative. Incredibly self centered and sexist. He told me all the time that I belonged in the kitchen. Made every attempt possible to ruin my relationship with my kids. And he got physical twice before I body slammed him back in retaliation and sent him flying one day. After I handed his ass to him on a silver platter, he pushed me so hard that it broke the drywall and told everyone I called him a spic, when I didn't. This caused a lot of retaliation from his family, who then tried stripping my kids from me because I was "racist". We split up 5 years ago and he appeared to be doing better. He said he was going to change and I thought he had. Turns out that he had been beating the absolute shit out of his new girlfriend before she got the chance to leave.

2. My current boyfriend.. he was super toxic in the beginning and I was blind to it because i was madly in love. He would leave me, manipulate me and then come back home as if nothing happened. This lasted a year. One day I snapped because he called my family retarded and then chucked me across the room. here's the difference between my ex and my current... after my current boyfriend chucked me across the room, he checked himself into therapy, got a gym membership and actively tried working on himself. He has not put his hands on me once since because he actually wanted to be better. It's been 3 years since that happened.

Point being, if they want to change, they will. And they more than likely won't tell you. They won't make a big deal out of it and expect praise. They will just do it because they want to be better.

[Massageman]

The Farmer and the Snake
One winter day, a farmer found a snake by the roadside, stiff and motionless with cold.
"If you put me inside your shirt," the snake said, "your body will make me warm and I won't freeze to death."
"Oh, I know your kind," replied the farmer. "If I pick you up, you will bite me."
"Oh no," the snake objected. "Why would I do such a thing, if you are good enough to help me?"
So the farmer had compassion on the snake, and taking it up, he put it inside his shirt. The warmth quickly revived the snake, and resuming its natural instincts, it bit its benefactor, inflicting on him a mortal wound. "Oh," cried the farmer with his last breath, "why did you bite me? You promised you wouldn't."
"Ah," said the snake. "So I did. But you knew I was a snake when you picked me up."

Seldom - if ever- do they mean it. They will stay in control of the other people until the others finally break away and quit becoming co-dependent.

[kkirk4442]

Do abusers mean it when they ask for a second chance? Often they do mean it. But the issue is not just do they mean it, but are they doing what is necessary to keep it from happening again. Sincerity in intent, does not make up for lack of planning and getting help, so that another abusive happening doesn't take place. Along with sincerely asking for forgiveness, the abuser needs to get professional help in order to find the cause of the abusing, and to find ways and coping skills in order to keep from being abusive again. Without the specific actions taken, and sticking to the plan, there is no reason to believe that the abuse will not happen again. Promises alone are no good.

[btbc92]

Not always. You'll know when they let you go out of the relationship, get help, and work on themselves. They don't say they'll change and then get worse. Because usually, they get worse.

[jennifer_bloom]

He sounds stupid and uneducated and un remorseful and lazy

Don’t waste your time with him

[Xcommunicated]

More often than not they don’t mean it.

even when they mean it. It won’t be overnight. they need help and it will take a long time to change. The right thing to do is get help and let the other person decide what is best for them. If they really want change they will get help and accept consequences without whining about it. Love is about sacrificing yourself for your partner. This person is sacrificing you for himself. It’s all backwards.

it’s a long path. If it was my daughter, I’d tell you to run not walk. And if he hurt one of my daughters... well I’ll leave it to your imaginations.

[navyrobin]

Okay so here’s the thing about people with psychological issues that drive them to abuse someone else.


These people aren’t truly self aware. They aren’t aware to the point of actually making changes and taking steps to improve. If they say they’ll change, it may mean they regret their actions, and they do mean it. But that doesn’t mean they’ll change.


Depending on the person’s past, they will have to actively work on their issues without having opportunities to abuse someone else.


If he truly meant what he's telling you, he would let you go and work on his issues. He wouldn’t ask for a second chance. I guarantee you.

[Mr_longLegz]

From what I have seen... only in the moment. Some people can change but if they yoyo back and forth with it or are only proactive right after a fight or abusive episode, I would seriously consider moving on and forward. there's a lot of factors and mental that determine if someone is deciding to be shitty or if they lose control and don't "want" to do anything to anyone.

Both can be/are detrimental, and neither should honestly be tolerated by you. If they can't find themselves help on their own for what ever issue they have, I would skip over them.

[loveslongnails]

Abusers rarely, if ever, change. Get out while you can. I mean it.

PS> And speaking of abuse on a lighter note please stop "abusing" the word "literally" !! When you say "I have literally been so torn mentally" it means your head or brain was ripped apart physically, which isn't the case else you'd be dead !! What you mean to say is "figuratively", or better yet, just omit the word "literally" from the sentence and it makes perfect sense. It's not used properly as an intensifier.

[Anonymous]

If they are genuinely abusive, no. Abusers are selfishly-acting people, acting upon their own emotions and projecting them onto others for their own satisfaction. Once that power is ripped away from them and you leave, they realize just how great it felt; they want you back. They will do practically anything to get you back in their life, do not trust it.

I’ve made the mistake multiple times with numerous types of abuse, and things never are normal; not the second, the third, or even the tenth time.

[Andres77]

They're sorry they got caught and are trying to avoid the consequences.
Abusers, once let back in without consequences, might wait for the opportune moment to get vengeance for trying to hold them accountable.
Once the abuse starts it will never stop on it's own. The abuser must always be held accountable.
If they're really sorry and they really love you then they will do whatever it takes to get help before coming back to you.
Never believe an abuser's apology, EVER!!!
If you allow the abuser back into your life it might be the last thing you ever do.

And tell someone else about it, take pictures, go to the ER. Report it, file charges. Why should they get away with kicking your ass just because "they love you"?

It makes no sense.

Please don't fall for their smooth talking honeyed words and give them another chance to hurt you.

[Mishan97]

No they don’t. I was in an abusive relationship and forgave him even after he went to jail for hitting me. He kept manipulating me with sweet words and fake promises. I’m telling you from experience it means nothing. He’ll be sweet for a few weeks, even a few months until he starts getting abusive again and the cycle starts all over. Cut off all contact with him. You deserve so much more. I’m telling you this because I don’t want you to go through what I went through. My biggest regret is not leaving that relationship sooner. Please dump him!! You’ll never get that lost time back and you don’t want to wait until he hurts you in a really really bad way.

[ohshee]

Sure they mean it until it happens again it's in there DNA ITS WHO THEY ARE it's what they have seen and learn growing up to them that life ,, it's just like the kid who grows up watch there parents having a milk shake every day at 12 pm well the odds are he will do the same thing because that's life that what he knows if a kid sees his dad hit his mom every day as the kid gets older gets a girl friend and gets mad at her the odds are he will hit her thst all the kid knows ,, if a mom gets hit every day from her husband or boy friend. And the daughter sees it well when she gets a boyfriend and he starts hitting he's it's all good in her head because her mom got hit and never did anything about it. But there are people who said they would change and I'm sure they did I have never seen it happen

[virtue2332]

Yeah but probably only to get a second chance at abusing you again. Some obviously need help professional help. In order to consider giving them a second chance they should be required to go to anger management. If they feel like they don't need it or they can do it on there own you should take that as a sign that they are unwilling an probably won't change

[Vewrie]

I can’t prove what they mean but if you look at statistics than, whatever they mean they never change.
If they mean it they lack self-awareness or have a split personality where “the good side” doesn’t understand that their “bad side” is also them and haven’t gone away.
Or they are just lying which would not be hard to believe since they lie all the time.

[virgin20]

Don't give him even the tiniest bit of hope.
He will tell you what you want to hear, But he won't change. Once an abuser, always an abuser. Leave him, he will hurt you again or you'll always remember it and not be able to move past it. Find someone who will treat you right, there is guys like that if you look for them

[TeeBar]

Nope, Nada, Never, Complete BS.
The only 'chance' you should give him is a 50 yard head start before you start shooting. Creeps like him seem to be able to sniff out females with low self-esteem who will tolerate intolerable abuse just for the attention they'll get in return.

[lightbulb27]

yes , for about 3 seconds.
Trouble is the abuser is programmed. What changes has the abuser made in their programming is the question. What work have they done on themselvers.

They may be sorry they did that and hurt you, but sorry doesn't change the pattern of behavior and then the question becomes if ya want to put up with more abuse of the same kind, cause that is what will happen.

[SunnySri]

Mam, I hope I could say yes but I don't think they can.
I mean they might genuinely be saying that they want to change but it is a kind of addiction. An addiction to power and control on top of some anger issues, it can only change if they get proper medical help, until then I don't think they can change.

[GingerGuy]

Maybe not, or they could totally mean it, however abusers can never just say "they'll change" and it's done and never happens again. Even if their intentions are good, they not only have to WANT to change, but do the WORK to change. What are they going to do to change that behavior? Because it takes more than saying "I'll change". What is he actually going to do to change it? Example counselling or therapy etc.

[Prettysammie]

They might mean it, but can they actually do it? No one just wakes up and says “I’m going to be an abusive jerk today.” The same way no one wakes up and says “I’m going to be morbidly obese.” There is a lot of stuff going on that made them who they are. Some stuff they can control, and some they can’t.

So maybe they absolutely mean it that they want to change. Maybe they hate themselves and want to be different. But that doesn’t mean they can.

[jean_A]

If I read the comments here there is no place for the 'abusers' you talk about. They won't change and nobody wants an abuser. So he either change or live in misery all of his (short) life. What do you think he wants out of those two options? However don't expect miracles. It will take years, not seconds.

[Anonymous]

Nope, I don't buy it. Almost all abuse follows this pattern. They abuse, then they act all sweet and swear they'll never do it again, then they abuse again. This cycle repeats over and over until the victim gets out. The abuser doesn't change. I've experienced both emotionally abusive and physically abusive relationships. Things escalate. They don't stop.