For the second time in about two months my girlfriend is considering going out of town for a big event (football game, concert, etc.). I am frustrated by this because we both have very busy lives and don't have a lot of time to spend together. We have been dating about two months but things have moved very very quickly. I am capable of going to the event, but its not something I'm really going to enjoy. Nonetheless, I'm going to go and try to have a good time only because I want to be with her and spend time with her like a good boyfriend should. I've made it clear that I don't really want to do it but that I am anyway. I do a lot of things for her so I'm kind of frustrated that she has decided to go ahead and sort of, "force my hand" and make us go to this event. Granted, this event is very important to her. I guess my complaint is mostly that I wish she were more appreciative for what I've done and am doing for her. Can any women hypothesize why she might be choosing to act in this manner? Can I get some just general feedback from girls?
Most Helpful Guy
I have a few observations.
First, two months is a very short time to be dating, regardless of how quickly it's moved. This is a delicate period in a relationship and you're both feeling each other out (in more ways than one). These out of town events could have been planned well before you started dating her.
Second, you wrote:
"I guess my complaint is mostly that I wish she were more appreciative for what I've done and am doing for her."
How are you defining "more appreciative"? She might appreciate what you do -- but her appreciation doesn't necessarily manifest in a way you prefer.
You seem to suggest that if she appreciated you, then she wouldn't attend these out-of-town events. I think that's an unhealthy way outlook (I've done it myself!) -- that there should be some kind of tit-for-tat scorekeeping in the relationship. "If I do ABC for her, she should do XYZ for me."
But it life and relationships don't usually work that way. Now you're feeling resentful and sending mixed messages: "I'm going to go and try to have a good time only because I want to be with her and spend time with her like a good boyfriend should. I've made it clear that I don't really want to do it but that I am anyway." Will you expect her to "appreciate" your going against your preference, and expect her to "pay you back" in an even bigger way?
Third -- and this is from personal experience -- you might be giving too much to her.
Whenever it feels like you're giving more than you're getting, it's often because you're giving too much. It doesn't necessarily mean the other person's a leech, or that they're selfish and don't see what you do for them. It means you're on somewhat different wavelengths.
Don't give so much to her. Try giving, then waiting for her to reciprocate. If you're giving a lot, she might not appreciate it precisely because you're giving a lot. She might be taking what you do for granted.
Fourth, you seem to view this relationship as part of a power struggle. She's "forced your hand" by making you go to this event. She has not made you go to this event. You DECIDED to go to this event.
Fifth, read No More Mr Nice Guy, but Dr. Robert Glover. An excellent book for learning to recognize and change some of the traits you've mentioned.
Hope this helps!