I dated this guy three times and every time he splits the bill on our meals?

Question

This really makes me uncomfortable. I have been unemployed for a couple months and have financial distress. He knows about that. But every single time he would split the bill. He works a high paying job but he's not even willing to pay for a $5 burger. Not that he should pay for everything. We can do the "you pay for meals, I pay for movies" that kind of thing but he just wants to split the bill. He admitted that he's a cheapskate and he had a rough childhood living in poverty etc. But now he's rich and I have zero income. I have no problem with occasionally spliting the bills etc but this?

Sounds like a stupid reason to stop seeing him but I'm REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE. I don't think I could bring this up and discuss with him face to face. I don't want to hurt his feelings either. He's just as a lonely person as me without many friends. Actually we met from Tinder. He told me he got very few matches, and his last date ghosted him after their first date. He's a sweet guy tho. I just don't know how to break it to him... I'm pretty shallow I know... What are your thoughts?

Updates:

1 y

My question should be:
Do you think splitting the bill sets up a mental barrier between two people who are dating, and that could prevent them from making connections? Do you think in my situation where the guy insists on splitting the bill even tho I'm broke and he's rich suggests that this guy doesn't really want to take care of me even though we develop a further relationship?

Answer 1

McMillanD

Influencer

I do not allow a guy I am seeing to pay for me on our dates. It sends a bad signal. Like he owes me to date him or something. Like we aren't on equal ground and both want to go out with each other.
So I always split it.
It really is the only way that's fair. We each pay for our own meals, tickets, etc. Why should I be entitled to spend his hard-earned money?
If you were going out with someone that you weren't seeing would you not be expected to pay your way? It's the same thing. If you can't afford to go out, then don't.
"Sorry I would love to, but I am broke right now, maybe another time".

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1 Person

Answer 2

ToastyOats | 211 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Xper 6

I read the comments, it's not your fault that there is no specific guideline on anything now. That's how this guy feels too, you could connect on that maybe? Details are the devils best friend of course, but... hey, He has probably been led on and and dumped for no good reason before. Being an suspicious cheapskate is just one of his quirks and it could be a good thing later when your in his trust, right. Protective and cautious, good qualities! He just wants that commitment, maybe, most guys, way over half are not cheaters, they just want loyalty. If you really think you might love this guy and He love You, it might be worth putting in the effort. It's your life, but I'm a creative compromiser and I thought If I was in his shoes I say hey "I'll buy the ingredients and you can cook them up." If your looking for a guy with an income for two, by default, that's gonna make you a Mom. Are you the woman he's looking for?

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Answer 3

Apope16 | 735 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Influencer

Good. Thats the way modern dating should be. Welcome to the 21 century. You are now equal to your man. You are independent. You are not a damsel. You are not the weaker sex. He is not your sugar daddy. Putting on makeup and a pushup bra does not mean you are deserving of free meals and drinks.

Splitting the bill is like a shit test for a woman. He is VETTING YOU. Are you with him for the right reasons? Like... sex. love. Loyalty. Fun. Understanding. Compassion. Committment.

Or... are you there to see what resources, time, and attention you can take before lining up a new guy?

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2 People

Paul09

1 y
This guy gets it. Well said too.

Reply

Answer 4

Paul09

This guy gets it. Well said too.

Answer 5

Anonymous

Makes sense to me that you're looking for someone who you know will take care of you in the future 🥰 and has the ability to support you. Personally, this is very important to me because I want to be a stay at home mom with a lot of kids. He's all about the "equality" thing. I prefer more traditional roles. Depending on what kinda life you want in the future... might be good to just dip on this guy.

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1 Person

Answer 6

Drumlin2001 | 2.2K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Guru

Sounds like you ought to be doing more to find employment.
When my ex was out of work, I picked up the bill, but that was my free choice. He is choosing to be careful with his money that he goes out and works hard to earn. Maybe a little odd but it's not outrageous.

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Answer 7

Anonymous

you got two options you can either break up with him or you could go on dates with him that don't cost anything like go for walks or sit at a park and eat ice cream. or you could find a cheap movie theater where they have the 2 or 3 dollar movies showing. and in the mean time find some side hussle gigs to work like ubereats or doordash (shitdash) or postmates (shitmates) and do online surveys or sell things on ebay or recycle cans and bottles or sell movies or videogames. or you could even do an onlyfans account and show off your body on cam for horny simps to pay you money. you just have to think outside the box when it comes to making money that's all

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Answer 8

Paul09 | 713 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

Please! Either dump him. Or communicate! Tell him you can't afford to go out. There's plenty of cheap or free things to do, you can always do that. If not, then move on. And how do we/he know You are not a gold digger? But again communicate with him, tell him straight. Better to understand each or not early in the relationship. If you can't communicate, then what's the point?

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Answer 9

Browneye57 | 6.3K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

No, he's just cheap.
And if you aren't all gaga for the guy, cut him loose and find one you are. It's really that simple. This is your job, your duty, in dating - to determine, to discern, to judge, if he's worthy or not. You're falling down on the job. LOL

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2 People

Answer 10

slatyb | 8.3K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

Don’t go on dates you can’t afford. He doesn’t seem like much of a prize.

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5 People

Answer 11

boggboss | 8.6K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

That like any normal adult if u have a issue speak to him about

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boggboss

1 y
No thats your thinking going into it some people simply think differnt as this is the starting stages he may not be willing to spend on you but that could change but its your choice

Reply
boggboss

1 y
Hmmm better yet who set up the dates

Reply
Asker

1 y
We literally payed our own food when we were standing side by side in front of the cashier. It's sooo weird and embarrassing when it's something as cheap as two freaking bottles of water. In my previous dating experiences guys would always offer to pay. Maybe like u said he simply doesn't want to spend on my at starting stage but given my financial problem and how wealthy he is this simply suggests how much of a cheapskate he is... But it would be way to shallow to not date him bc of that... Or maybe I shouldn't date someone like him whos from a "higher class"

Reply

Answer 12

boggboss

No thats your thinking going into it some people simply think differnt as this is the starting stages he may not be willing to spend on you but that could change but its your choice

Answer 13

boggboss

Hmmm better yet who set up the dates

Answer 14

Asker

We literally payed our own food when we were standing side by side in front of the cashier. It's sooo weird and embarrassing when it's something as cheap as two freaking bottles of water. In my previous dating experiences guys would always offer to pay. Maybe like u said he simply doesn't want to spend on my at starting stage but given my financial problem and how wealthy he is this simply suggests how much of a cheapskate he is... But it would be way to shallow to not date him bc of that... Or maybe I shouldn't date someone like him whos from a "higher class"

Answer 15

Anonymous

You highly doubt you'd let it slide in the reverse situation, so I think it's fine. Equality is working. However, if you *genuinely* can't afford what you're doing then you say "I'd like to do that with you, but I can't afford it." Problem solved.

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Answer 16

Anonymous

You should not be dating because you cannot afford to date right now. Stop dating until you can afford to pay for your shit instead of expecting someone else to "take care of you".

I would never date such an entitled woman like you.

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3 People

Asker

1 y
Thanks. This is what I need. Maybe your harsh words could motivate me to get a job. But you don't understand my situation. Besides, did you miss the line where I stated I will be happy to alternating paying for the bills with him?

Reply
Opinion Owner

1 y
You should get a job so you can pay for yourself, but more importantly you need to lose your female entitlement. The days when it was okay for women to expect men to pay their way and expect men to "take care of them" are long gone. That is, unless you expect to repay the debt with sexual favors. Women like you are the female equivalent of men who expect those sexual favors. Is that what you want to be?

What is the difference between alternating paying the bills and splitting the bills?

Reply
Asker

1 y
There's a difference there. Splitting the bill makes me feel like we're just friends. But we're holding hands and kissing and all that. Like there's a mental barrier gets in our way. Offering to pay is a way to express your care and kindness and I will pay for the next meal to show my gratitude and my care. As a girl who was brought up in a traditional family I find it difficult to "make the first move" and I was waiting for him to offer for once but he never did

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Opinion Owner

1 y
All of those things are attitude issues that are within your control (and yours only) to change.

Reply
Opinion Owner

1 y
I didn't realize you were from China. I don't know what the cultural expectations are where you live. My comments are based on culture in the US so take them for what they are worth. Best of luck to you.

Reply

Answer 17

Asker

Thanks. This is what I need. Maybe your harsh words could motivate me to get a job. But you don't understand my situation. Besides, did you miss the line where I stated I will be happy to alternating paying for the bills with him?

Answer 18

Opinion Owner

You should get a job so you can pay for yourself, but more importantly you need to lose your female entitlement. The days when it was okay for women to expect men to pay their way and expect men to "take care of them" are long gone. That is, unless you expect to repay the debt with sexual favors. Women like you are the female equivalent of men who expect those sexual favors. Is that what you want to be?

What is the difference between alternating paying the bills and splitting the bills?

Answer 19

Asker

There's a difference there. Splitting the bill makes me feel like we're just friends. But we're holding hands and kissing and all that. Like there's a mental barrier gets in our way. Offering to pay is a way to express your care and kindness and I will pay for the next meal to show my gratitude and my care. As a girl who was brought up in a traditional family I find it difficult to "make the first move" and I was waiting for him to offer for once but he never did

Answer 20

Opinion Owner

All of those things are attitude issues that are within your control (and yours only) to change.

Answer 21

Opinion Owner

I didn't realize you were from China. I don't know what the cultural expectations are where you live. My comments are based on culture in the US so take them for what they are worth. Best of luck to you.

Answer 22

exitseven | 3.8K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

He sounds like a real cheapskate. It is surprising that this got to a 3rd date.

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Answer 23

genericname85 | 7.6K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

congrats. you found a man that's looking for an emancipated woman, not for a kitchen appliance. i think you should be happy to date a man that sees women as equal. i mean given that this is a man you personally want of course xD

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1 Person

Asker

1 y
You make it sould like this act is nobel and deserves to be praised and imitated. Would you also do that in order to find an emancipated woman to match your value system?

Reply
genericname85

1 y
you know i live in germany. most women here actually are offended if you try to pay for them. it's a bit different here. i personally would see "splitting the bill" as a way to communicate that i'm looking for a partner, who's status in the relationship i want is the same as mine. i'm not cheap. i can pay for her easily... but in my mind, paying the bill for her sends the opposite signal.

Reply
Asker

1 y
Maybe there's some cultural difference. I'm from China where the culture is that the guy should pay the bills and takes care of the girl. He's Russian. But it's not like the guy should pay for everything. We can buy each other meals on different dates. That sounds more like a date. And occasionally splitting up the bill isn't really that much of a big deal but doing this on our first three dates without him even offering to buy me food makes me feel off somehow

Reply
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genericname85

1 y
well your culture still predominantly has the male breadwinner model right? (man being the one that earns the money, woman being the one running the household/rising the children). obviously the culture must be different here, cause here, we have a dual breadwinner model, where both partners work and usually at the point where there's children, the women still at least work part time after maternity leave. the household and child raising is split up accordingly between the partners.

so coming from your cultural backround, i would understand why you're offended and i'D communicate those cultural differences with my partner. but even then, you have to realize that people want different things and how they date, communicates those things.

Reply

Answer 24

Asker

You make it sould like this act is nobel and deserves to be praised and imitated. Would you also do that in order to find an emancipated woman to match your value system?

Answer 25

genericname85

you know i live in germany. most women here actually are offended if you try to pay for them. it's a bit different here. i personally would see "splitting the bill" as a way to communicate that i'm looking for a partner, who's status in the relationship i want is the same as mine. i'm not cheap. i can pay for her easily... but in my mind, paying the bill for her sends the opposite signal.

Answer 26

Asker

Maybe there's some cultural difference. I'm from China where the culture is that the guy should pay the bills and takes care of the girl. He's Russian. But it's not like the guy should pay for everything. We can buy each other meals on different dates. That sounds more like a date. And occasionally splitting up the bill isn't really that much of a big deal but doing this on our first three dates without him even offering to buy me food makes me feel off somehow

Answer 27

genericname85

well your culture still predominantly has the male breadwinner model right? (man being the one that earns the money, woman being the one running the household/rising the children). obviously the culture must be different here, cause here, we have a dual breadwinner model, where both partners work and usually at the point where there's children, the women still at least work part time after maternity leave. the household and child raising is split up accordingly between the partners.

so coming from your cultural backround, i would understand why you're offended and i'D communicate those cultural differences with my partner. but even then, you have to realize that people want different things and how they date, communicates those things.

Answer 28

OliviaOfTheScots

Xper 6

Tell him whilst your looking for a job that if it's ok for him to cover for you in the meantime

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1 Person

Answer 29

Archerer

Explorer

You need to stop going out then, and if he asks you to go out you have to say if you split the bill because I can’t afford it anymore. If you can’t talk about it the relationship is doomed anyway so you gotta try.

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1 Person

Answer 30

wankiam | 2.9K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

in a world thats striving for equality i can't see the issue myself though if it was me i would pay for the dates anyway...

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1 Person

Answer 31

jjj101010 | 462 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Guru

U could just tell him. U can’t afford to go out at the moment. Then if he wants to go out and says he will pay then that’s up to him. If he says he will lend u the money, just tell him u don’t want to be in debt

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1 Person

Answer 32

Anonymous

You can't afford to date so get out of the dating pool

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3 People

Answer 33

SpaceGalaxy | 671 opinions shared on Dating topic.

Yoda

Question should be: Am i really that stupid to still go out with him?

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3 People

Answer 34

jahaims | 2.1K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Guru

Don't date if ur broke

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Asker

1 y
good point. so I shouldn't socialize either?

Reply
jahaims

1 y
Only if it's free or you can pay your own way

Reply

Answer 35

Asker

good point. so I shouldn't socialize either?

Answer 36

jahaims

Only if it's free or you can pay your own way

Answer 37

Slim57 | 4K opinions shared on Dating topic.

Master

No one is forcing you to keep dating him.

React

I dated this guy three times and every time he splits the bill on our meals?

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