A really good, thought provoking answer. Thank you! Where you learn that?
From a book called men are from mars women from venus by John Gray.
I'm confused from the definition. Talked with girlfriend and I agree and see it this way. Trust and love are more rooted in personality and training by early care takers, I think, not male/female.
That´s true. I just experienced these character traits more in females than in males. I don´t want to say that males can´t have them and can´t be like that.
I gave an answer above that may shed light... DWornock.The issue is emotional, my heart goes to the needy all too often, I can't turn that off without feeling bad. I'll do nice, good things for her, rub her back, do laundry... do do do... blah blah blah.. emotional love, not so great. homeless person walks up, I want to help them and connect with them as a human, as I feel for them. Other women who are needy... and there's a long list that seem to just show up like stray cats... get my attention to serve them, sometimes for decades. It isn't as extreme in my view as I just said, but she's the woman and feeling it and the absence and likely feels like grand canyon of a void.I think fundamental issue is I'm not wired emotionally for intimate/romantic relationship, damage in youth... I've been introverted, shy, ran from females, closed off for a long time... slowly the nut cracked so to speak.. Various flaws feed that dynamic, been true in every relationship. I can be committed and loving but distant and not let someone close and put up barriers, not commit all the way, emotionally.. I think I don't feel safe.2. she is stating hard boundaries.
3. Throw that one back in the water or love it as is with encouragement to change, enjoy his strengths and accept the flaws, make the most of.. if she can do it without ending up feeling empty. Requiring people to change and heal at any age, including after 50, is a tall order. Im open to some change, to treat her well so she has a good life. Challenge here... she has everything she needs except the thing I'm not so good at giving her. I'm not awful person, but I have flaws in intimacy. Sure, some areas I want to change, but it feels so large and complex to repair, I can barely process it some days. Ever try to see your deepest emotional flaws and unravel them... ugh! I'm trying to be critical of myself. I do like relationship... I don't want a roomate, but she isn't getting some essentials as she's noted I've given to others, that's the hitch.
So you perceive a flaw in yourself and helping others helps you to feel better about yourself. That motivates many to do good works for other, and that's fine when you aren't in a relationship, but what happens when "the two become one?" Will you still put your individual needs ahead of the needs of your marriage? You can't get to that point if you aren't willing/can't make her your highest earthly priority.
I do feel better, good, responding to someone in need. That sometimes has blown up and I have learned some discernment/boundaries, can't deny the feeling of wantig to help. She sees the flaws in this and wants to protect me from myself and heal. That's a ball of yarn to unravel to me so far.How do I deny my quench for water? I'm fed by being kind and good and connecting with others, treating them as equal or better. It's me. Me is flawed in that I'm not being the man I have to be, to be her man.Highest logical priority can do.. do for her, touch, help... I'm good at that. Emotional is the issue, she feels that is still with someone else. I thought we were doing quite well, all happy... then kaboom, landslide... doesn't take much to bring the structure down. I see some of my flaws, damn if I know how to unravel them into chunks to work to change them enough. I cna't ask for compromise, she can't compromise on love. Seems insurmountable, when in reality, it's probably small changes.
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What does "differential mean" in this context? Wholly mackerel, though you just "smacked one out of the park". That is at least some of what she sees and part of the dynamic... I don't stand up for myself, enough. I let others take priority over me, esp women, so thus over her... and she can't stand that. I feel good "helping" those who are "needy" and hurt... my training was to give the shirt off my back to others, so I'll crave to serve a down homeless person, if it feels right.. end goal I will treat others than myself and thus her, although I think I treat her well, from an emotional view, others get the emotional control. I've evolved some, but it's my programming with I'm sure lots of other short circuits. woman no like...
It means, you lack or don't show confidence in your position, that you don't let the other person know what you need and that your feelings and position need to be taken seriously even if the other person believes their position is better.
I am soft with some positions and doesn't take much to push me off. Firm position with her... works for some people who will "bow down" or if it's not a hard rule. There certainly is a power dynamic at play. But in this case, it's a matter of "being loved" and she'll fight to the end as its number one, all there is. A dominant one can get away stating a hard position (aka Isreal vs Palestine), but results in periodic conflict and death. Being stronger I don't think will work, fight harder... being more loving to her likely might. Beyond that, I don't know.Trust me, I'm lost in the soup of my scrambled thoughts and emotions trying to sort it out, so I don't know. Thank you for your input.
I suppose, where possible, it's okay to just avoid conflict. Many things don't really matter anyway. If she believes in astrology, or ESP, or socialism when you know or believe otherwise, instead of arguing, say, "What do you think?" Lots of husbands let their wives choose how many children and where they live. If she is not someone that would overspend or assume too much debt, the following should never be an issue. Otherwise, if she wants a million dollar house and you income won't support it, why not agree. It is not your fault that lenders won't lend the money. If she wants to buy overly expensive furniture, big screen, TVs, and appliances, in the final analysis, you don't have to sign or, if she pushes you enough, add a clause "In event of non-payment, returning the merchandise cancels the debt." She can always sign for the merchandise but unless her income alone, if any, is adequate, there is no sale.
good thoughts, you're a good thinker... what field you in? Agree, avoiding conflict would be key if I can put my "self" aside. Easy to hurt someone dancing when on wears dumbo feet... so to speak. she's good with all that stuff, money and stuff generally very in synch. Those tips may work for others benefit, not everything is a "hill to die on". I think the issue is love, impact to family, in effect insults and risks that infect the "nest". I got covid from my "need to heal others" and paid the price... how can I risk the whole family... tha'ts not smart, but my emotions are a B#$ch I own. I see people live like infected in a physical sense... like they have 10 cats roaming the house... would make me ill and I like cats. I see people do it with emotional junk... bringing garbage from society into the home. We all have our "hard" limits, when they clash is the challenge to put ones self aside. that's hard. I see where she's coming from, It's just not easy to adapt. This all helps me process it more. ty.
oh lord that's deep wisdom. I just bought light bults because they are more efficient and want to throw out the others:( ugh oh...
You're wrong. Women should always come in second or third. And something else should be priority like yourself first. My example1. Me2. My job, earning money.3. Everyone else
Your are wrong. Your not going to have a woman for long being selfish like you are. You never put yourself or your job before your special lady. However, It looks like to me your parents failed to teach you how to make a woman feel special. Good Day Fool!
Concise. In essence, situation is pressure to change, some change need occur, I don't see her changing.. that leaves me. Any wisdom how to change emotionally... cause that'st he issue, not logic. I can and do make her logically priority, give affection, do for her. It's my nature to give love to the needy and not stand up that causes the infection. I guess Ihave to tear open my heart and see what's there...
Good luck mate. Put girl prioty and she loses attraction for you. Next you will tell me that marriage is next thing men should do for women. What a little wanker hahha.
Key point there is "make her feel special". Maybe this is some of the challenge that blows up a lot of relationships and I sometimes fail to recognize, and can grow. As stress/pressures of life builds up and "doing" takes priority, her priority drops... someone doesn't feel loved... work, kids, house, stuff, the move takes priority... then boom! She's empty. Maybe some religions have a better view..."God first".. god being love, takes some pressure off to fill in when their's void. I've heard that. Maybe other religions solve other ways by way of social position? Both people need to feel good, feel loved, valued, etc.. I think @honestguy saying that if man don't have those other things in place, then man turns to useless vapor and she moves on anyway, emotional or physically, so it's constant feed of love... keep some things solid, make her feel #1.
Yea you got it. Men who doesn't love himself (prioritize) is looking for someone to fill him. If men is loving himself already then women will be automatically attracted to him. Like bees on honey. Look at cats, they prioritize themselves first owner secodn and you can't resist petting them and taking care of them.
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