How do you deal with being lonely?

I'm 21 & never had a boyfriend. I've only been on dates with 2 different guys... The first one was a player and stole my virginity & it was a horrible experience :( and I only went out with the 2nd guy once, I don't think we really clicked much. I'm not good at dating... I'm too shy, I don't even try to find guys to date, I only go on dates if someone asks me... But that's rare because I don't go out very often. I feel like I will be alone all my life :( I just want a companion & someone special in my life. But I know no guy will last long with me because I won't have sex with them (I've learnt my lesson from being used by that guy & I hate sex because of him) maybe I'll have sex after a few years of dating or when I'm married though. What do you suggest I do?

I should probably add that the guy I had sex with gave me genital warts :( they are gone now but I should probably never have sex again, not that I want to anyway... I got them even though he had a condom on & didn't know he had them. It's my punishment for having sex :(


Most Helpful Guy

  • Okay, first please stop thinking that the genital warts was a punishment for sex. That's not how it works, and indicates a slightly perverse, somewhat puritanical view of sex that isn't healthy.

    The second thing I'd say is, at 21 you're not alone. There's plenty of 21 year old virgins out there, and 21 year olds who never even kissed someone. There's also 21 year old gay people trapped in a closet of their own fear, living in small homophobic towns. 21 is young.

    And I'd say to all of them and all of you, life is just beginning for you. You have no idea where you're going to be in 5 years. Or even who you'll be. But the future requires some assembly, and if you've got the free time now because you're not dating, then spend that time crafting the person you want to be.

    If you're fat, lose weight, hit the gym, become fit. If you're shy, work on your confidence and people skills. That sort of thing. Become the person you always wanted to be.

    You say you don't find guys to date. That's fine, lots of girls refuse to chase guys. You also say guys have asked you out. That's great! It means that, no matter what your self confidence might be feeling right now, you're clearly not some hideous troll who has to live forever in darkness. Guys like you and find you attractive, even if you don't feel like dating too many of them.

    For now, I would say you should try to widen your social circle. Make friends with girls, and throw a few guys in there too. They don't have to be dateable guys or anything. But just having a few guy friends will allow you to see that not all guys are sex-chasing a**holes at least.

    No one is forcing you to date right now, or to have sex in the near future. I would *hope* that time being a great healer, you'll eventually change your mind on some things, but for right now, it just seems like you're feeling very alone. And friends are the solution to that particular problem.

    I'd suggest joining a few clubs, to meet new people. If money is tight or there's no clubs which interest you in your area, you can find online clubs that don't have members dues usually meeting near any college campus. They can run the gamut from writers workshops, to salsa lessons, and hill walking, all priced at levels to fit a students non-existent budget.

    I've had some experience with bringing shy/quiet or depressed individuals out of their shells, so if you'd like some in-depth one on one time, feel free to message me directly. But if you would prefer not to deal with guys at all (after all, I am a guy) then I'm sure there's plenty of friendly girls on this site who can both sympathise and socialise.

    It's a global community now, you know. There's no need for anyone with internet access to feel alone these days.

    • Oh, one other thing. If you're the sort of person who takes some comfort in a religion, many churches/temples/etc... have social clubs too, and would be one way to meet people who aren't ... well let's say 'mainstream'. That is, they won't be interested in going out on Fridays, getting wasted drunk and looking for sex.

      I'm not saying you have to do the church thing or go that route. I'm just trying to point out that there are many many options to meet people of all shapes, sizes, personalities.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 6

  • "...I hate sex because of him." Please don't let one a**hole ruin something in your entire life and keep you from enjoying something awesome. There are a lot of guys out there who WILL take advantage of a girl. Somehow other girls become wise to this and don't allow themselves to be further used by guys but realize a good guy when she sees him. My suggestion is do something like join an organization like It's Just Lunch. They are expensive but they will profile you and set you up for lunch dates with pre-screened guys. It's doubtful players will be able to survive ijl's screening process.

    • I can't trust guys anymore am I susposed to know if he wants to use me or be with me? this guy that used me made me belive that he liked me & we even spoke about our future together :( then we had sex & I never saw him again. It shattered me... also the sex was a disaster. Nothing went right!

    • You were scammed for sex. I was scammed by a girl for money. Learn from the past and don't give your trust so easily. A little cynicism is good. Just tell the next suitor of your experience and that he will have to walk over hot coals, then broken glass to prove his sincerity to you. Very few guys will do that for you unless they really are sincere about his feelings for you. If he's really sincere he'll be willing to pay the gatekeepers price.

    • I don't really want to have sex again :( maybe I'd let him if we had been dating for a long time or married... but even after that I probably shouldn't have sex. The guy who I had sex with gave me genital warts, they are gone now but it's probably still not safe for me to do it, you can get them even with a condom, that's how I got them & I didn't know he had a std :(

  • No one and no entity has punished you for having sex. That is clearly a puritanical viewpoint.

  • I think you're over reacting and not actively doing anything to change your situation, so your chances of being happy are small. You need to learn from your mistakes, not shut yourself off from enjoying life with members of the opposite gender.

    • I can't trust guys anymore though if they want sex I think they will use me & I'll get hurt again. Not only did it hurt me emotionally it hurt me physically too & made me sick.

  • Well the way I see it the more stuff you have to put up with or suffer from having no one. It should make you feel just that much better when you do find someone that cares about you.

  • try being a 23 year old guy

  • Hanging with friends usually works for me.

    • yeah that helps but I don't even have many friends :( I moved away from where I grew up & haven't met many friends since moving.

    • Oh. You can always talk to me. :)

What Girls Said 3

  • I know how you feel girlie. I was raped as a virgin (talk about an a**hole), after him I got close to a guy who I later found out was telling everyone he was using me to do his homework. Then came the d*** who convinced me to sleep with him despite having a girlfriend (who I later found out was pregnant). And it doesn't stop there...I got stood up by a guy I had driven 2 and a half hours to go see. I became extremely bitter and resentful of the male "species." I wanted to have nothing to do with them. I shut myself up inside my shell, very much the way you have described. I didn't believe in love nor did I think it was within a man's ability to truly care for someone. But I must tell you. It does get better!

    I've been with the most amazing man for 5 months now :) and I'm positive it will be forever. It's OK to be angry and it's OK to be hurt. Hell, my biggest suggestion would be to find a close friend or just someone you can talk to and just cry it out. If you have to, cry until you can't cry anymore. Until you have no more pain to shed no more bitter feelings to dwell on. Remember, we're girls...we need to cry! Lol until you face your past and I mean stare it in the face and accept that there is no way you can change it, you cannot begin to fully heal.

    You didn't "deserve" what happened. I'm a Christian and I strongly believe that there are consequences to all our actions but I do not see anything as a punishment. I don't believe God is like that. You woke up today didn't you? Which means you still have stuff to accomplish. Don't close yourself off from the world. If you aren't ready to start trusting guys again...then don't. But go out and enjoy the life you have been given. You never know, the best things come along when you aren't expecting them and you might just find someone who helps you heal and who you come to realize you can't live without. I did...

    Remember, you're stronger because of what you've been through. Be confident in yourself. Learn to love yourself and then you can learn how to love other people. If you ever need to talk feel free to message me. You're never alone girl.

    • That is some really nice and inspirational writing.

      "the best things come along when you aren't expecting them "

      I really believe that's true.

  • Honey, I've been through more sexual abuse than I'm going to announce on a post. But all I can say is you need to get out there and meet guys, you can't let one guy ruin something so important in life just because he was selfish. I'm sure you are a charming and beautiful woman, go out and have some fun. Your still young and have time to find the right guy <3 best wishes for you. I hope you find the man of your dreams, just get out there. He's waiting.

    • People will still love you and want you, there are people out there that don't care weather you have that or not. It's okay, you won't end up alone...

    • I'm right there with this chick ^^

  • Turn your life around. Go out into the world, join things, get involved, meet more people

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