I think it's kind of lame that I have to break down and hang out. Any insight? I need some male perspective!

Long story short, the ex and I dated for about 4 months before he pulled the 180 on me and then broke up. The reasons were lame (work, not the right time, we can still be friends and hang out, I still care about you, blah blah). But then he just flat out stopped bothering after the holidays (when we broke up). Needless to say, it left me really confused and wondering what happened. I wrote it off on his immaturity.

With the exception of one time (I initiated contact), I haven't heard from him in over a year and a half. I tried to remain civil and friendly the first few months in, but stopped bothering because he just wouldn't bother, and I wasn't about to be one of those girls.

As far as I know, he hasn't dated since we broke up.

All that said, starting this last spring, one of our mutual friends invited me over (they live in the same house). I thought it was odd because up until then, nobody had bothered to since the break up. Then he tried to invite me over again. About 2 months ago, another mutual friend added me on Facebook (which was odd because I'd tried to add him before and he declined). He started suggesting I come over. Then his other friend, who's the only one who knows how I feel about the entire thing, started telling me I should just go over and would invite me over. That's when I started to find it strange. I haven't read into it much, but I found it all kind of weird. The only other time I've seen this behavior from them was when my ex and I started dating. Major encouragement from them for me to come hang out and all that, which is why this stands out to me now.

Sooo, with that said, guys... wtf? I'm not really looking to get back with the guy. I wouldn't mind being a friend, but just being around him is blah to me since he treated me like he did. And if there is any motive behind this, I kind of want him to step forward since he's the one who behaved like a jerk. :/ I think it's kind of lame that I have to break down and hang out. Any insight?

To reiterate since GAG changed my title- my main questions are does this appear that his friends are trying something by insisting that I come over?

And- am I out of line for being so stubborn about it? They like to rag on me about not wanting to. I think it's lame I have to do the breaking down when I distanced myself for a reason.

Sorry for the confusion, it was late when I wrote this. :p


Most Helpful Guy

  • Well, he broke up with you so he should man up and get in touch with you himself. He can't always get his buddies to do his bidding for him.

    Maybe you should ask his friends what's going on? Also, you could say that if he wants to see you he can get in touch with you himself.

    • Thank you. Glad to know I'm not too out of line with this expectation.

    • You really can't expect the guy to change much, so chances are he won't contact you himself. Unless you want to get back together with him, I'd say don't break down and go there without talking to him first. If you do go, he might get the false hope that you want a relationship again.

    • Yeah, I was thinking that. Just going with a year and a half of no contact? Weird. Him clearing things up before, THEN going? Easier. Fortunately, I've been able to hang out with the guys a few times recently without him there. Their persistence of getting me over there is just weird and what bugs. :/ "It'll get easier!" Cause that's fair to me. *cough* Thanks for understanding my incoherent post. :p

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What Guys Said 5

  • I'm hearing a lot of "I want my ex to act this way" "I want him to be this type of person"

    Do you even want to be friends with guy? I doesn't sound like he's going to be the type of friend you want. Sounds to me like you want friends that are upfront, honest and forthcoming. If he's at all interested in reigniting this friendship, he certainly doesn't fit any of those needs for qualities in a friend. He's displaying exactly the type of friend he intends to be... and your kinda wringing your hands over someone who left you... hasn't talked to you in months, and at the verry best sent his friends out to do the work for him.

    However If you want to be friends with him.. take some initiative. Talk to HIM, not his friends and do what you want to. You say you want your friends to be upfront and honest with you... be upfront and honest with them. Don't fall into some crazy double standard just to prove that you were right and he was wrong.

    (You want my opinion? Screw that noise! and his dumb friends! Go find a new boyfriend, some better friends, and let that guy go sulk by himself somewhere else)

    • I think you misunderstood a little. I get what you're saying and I appreciate the sentiment, but I'm mostly wondering if this appears to be what it seems to be- friends trying to get me to come over. I agree that his behavior was crap, which is why I distanced myself. Friends suddenly insisting I should hang out with him around had me suspicious. That said, it's like well if it IS the case, he needs to step forward. Not them helping get ME over there. I've been turning invites down though

    • I said I wouldn't mind being friends if this is what their deal is to get me to go over. But I've thought exactly what you said- his bs behavior doesn't really make me in a rush to go break down and be friends with him. If this is what it looks like, and he wants to extend the olive branch, I'm okay with being friends. Again, appreciate the input. I agree with what you said. :)

  • Yes, it sounds like his friends are either being talked too and asked to act, or they're trying to get you two back together out of their own will. Should you go and hang out, be around him? That's your call.

    • Yeah, I was thinking more the latter if anything. He doesn't seem to be the type to ask others to do his bidding. Before, when we'd first started dating, they just knew he liked me, so they did things similar to this to help move things along. It's why I was curious as to what other guys thought of these guys' behaviors. It seems like that, but I guess time will tell. :/

  • He's trying to get back together with you. He's tired of being alone and wants a woman in his life. But he hasn't gotten since the break up and figures he'll try with you again since you were his last.

    • Maybe. He hooked up with some chick as a one nighter a few months back. Guess it'd been awhile. :/

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    • Maybe you really are reading too much into this. Just go, but bring a friend if it makes you feel any better.

    • Eh.

  • No don't worry about it just go hang out, If he's doing good with you maybe let him hit it. Otherwise just do something else big deal right.

  • What are your views...first

    i mean...

    what are you thinking to do in this situation?

    • Either don't bother, despite the pressure from our friends (which I find strange), or break down and just remain civil with minimal contact while there. I wouldn't mind hanging out with everyone again. I could use the distraction since I'm a cancer caregiver to my mom. But at the same time, it's like ew, why do I want to bother being around this guy? I guess I'm second guessing myself since the guys are downplaying how I feel. Maybe I'm just being dumb about the whole thing. :s

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    • Probably not bothering. It's just difficult since we have so many mutual friends. I know it's bound to happen at some point, but for this sudden onslaught to pop up, it had me wtf.

    • you're actually smart...you made a good option


What Girls Said 3

  • First off, you are thinking way too into this situation.

    Unfortunately the line "lets be friends, I still care about you and want you in my life" is just a LINE. 99% of the time it means "I feel bad for breaking up with you so I'm going to make it seem like I care and offer my friendship even though I have no intention of being your friend." It was only 4 months, if he broke up with you chances are he just wasn't into it. He didn't really mean lets be friends because if he wanted you in his life he would still be with you or at least attempt to talk to you and show that he actually cares about how you're living.

    Girlfriend, its been a year and a half. You need to get your mind off of him and find someone new. You might not be into him romantically but you definitely harbor some feelings towards him. It could be because you didn't get closure, but leave it be and brush it off. I think that hanging around him isn't the best idea for you until you are at "peace" with this whole situation. Being around him will just more than likely intensify your feelings, whatever they may be, and make the situation more awkward. Unless he talks to you about what happened and approaches you, I don't think its a healthy situation to put yourself in. Its been so long since you guys broke up and I don't really see him doing that either. Personally if it was me in this exact situation I'd ask him what happened. Otherwise I'd avoid his house and either make plans with those friends somewhere else or go when you know he isn't there.

    But also you have the option of showing up, having fun, and showing him that you're living well. This is probably the ideal thing to do, especially to get back at him. But that's only if you can keep your cool. Meaning don't show that you're holding a grudge for how he treated you, or that you even care about what happened. If you can do this I highly suggest you do. But that's ONLY if you can come to terms with what happened between you both personally. Otherwise, you'll just look like the crazy ex who is still bitter after a year and a half which is understandable until you show it.

    Now about his friends. I really don't think they have any hidden motives especially since they're mutual friends. A lot of times a good friend will see their friend's ex as an off limit person even after a break up and will cut off contact with them. They probably figured that its been some time since and that its in the past and that you're someone they want to hang out with. If they were trying to get you to come over so that you can hook up with your ex, your ex would have made an effort to talk to you.

    • I know it's a line. Notice I called it "lame?" :p I'm not disagreeing with you, but a lot of what you just told me is state the obvious/things I'm aware of already. I had moved on until the friends brought this up recently. It's not cool that you're assuming I haven't moved on/found anyone new. I was fine not bothering with the guy until they started bugging me/downplaying how I felt. I only question it because of their behavior in the past. I HOPE it's not the case. Still weird behavior.

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    • Well if you're moved on then the best way to approach this situation is like I said, show him that you don't care. The more it seems like you're hung up on him, the more of a chance his ego will get a boost.

    • Yeah, I know. I just liked where I was before, and now I have 3-4 people pushing me to be around someone I chose not to associate with to begin with. It's just how I deal with the jerks I've written off.

  • If you don't really want to hang out with them anyways then don't. You can be rude, I mean he broke up with you what does he expect

  • He was pulling some tail and then his supply ran out. So he's trying to get you on the line again. Guys wingman like that all the time.

    • Actually, he HASN'T been with anyone since we broke up. I'm not sure if he sent them along, but that maybe they're doing it on their own. Who knows. It's like wtf are you guys doing?

    • I like this, strait to the point.

    • Agreed. I'd think of this too, but I know he hasn't been with anyone since we broke up. He'd even suggested being friends with benefits post break up, but he never followed though. The entire thing is strange, tbh. :/