Thinking about ending friendship with old gal pal. Feeling oddly jealous when she talks about other guys.

I have been friends with this girl for about 2 years. I'm 30, she's 26. We first met on POF and went on a date. She was attractive, but a real tom boy. She also smoked and had some tattoos which kinda turned me off. However when I got drunk I would overlook these foibles. We made out a little bit on the 1st date, but she didn't let me go any further. I respected that, we had just met. She also didn't mooch off me, I paid for dinner but she absolutely insisted on buying drinks afterward when we went to a bar.

So we hung out as friends as time went on. When I'm sound and sober I'm not attracted to her at all. But when I'm drunk...I wish to god she was a FWB. However she has always been very supportive, sweet and helpful. Never, ever did she take advantage of me financially. She even helped me run a charity event last Christmas. I got friend zoned, but I was cool with it because she was honest.

Well anyway about 10 months ago I moved out of state (Colorado) for a new job. She always lit up my Facebook with smileys and "hey babe", "hey sweetie". :) which I returned. I'll admit it did boost my day a bit to have a cute girl give me overt attention (she looks awesome in her pics) So Thanksgiving rolls around and I posted that I'm coming back home. She texts me up a bit and then throws out "I'm looking forward to seeing you and I'm bring my boy toy along...". Then every time she mentioned meeting up she kept bringing up this other guy. The fact she called him a "boy toy" instead of boyfriend was even stranger. This is the first time she overtly brought up other guys with me. She is talking to me like I'm one of her gfs...

Now I realize I can't be ridiculous and expect her to be acting like she's single around me. She's in a relationship now...I get it and the rational part of me is honestly happy for her. It would have never worked out between her and me anyway.

But here is my situation:

Currently I'm not seriously dating anyone and everybody in my family (which are back home in the state I'm visiting) has someone. I am dating a few different girls in the state I moved to (Cali) I'm been trying to be cool and just smile but inwardly I'm very depressed. I'm single during the holidays as usual. To make matters worse my family has been visiting my brother's gf's family and my sisters bf's family has visited my family. Guess what they are all asking me? Why am I not with anyone? What's my f***ing deal. And pretty much in between the lines...what is my f***ing problem?

So with that issue aside, this girl I'm friends with is really depressing me when she keeps asking me to meet up with her and her boyfriend. She means well and she is reaching out to me WAY more than I'm reaching out to her. But in the past she was my de facto date when I was around...and now she is inadvertently making feel like a chump.

What should I say to her? I don't want to meet up with her but I feel like I'm spurning a true friend


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  • You really just gotta tell her how you feel. Fact is she probably doesn't mean to make you feel that way, talking about it is going to be your best bet at getting across how it makes you feel and getting understood best. It really is something that good communication is going to solve.

    Its not reasonable for you to have to go through that, its beyond awkward, and you can tell her that "You know I'm feeling really single right now with all the relationships going on in my family. I don't want to make you and your boyfriend feel awkward" and she'll understand, I mean everyone in this whole world has felt that way before. It just happens.

    If you do choose to talk with her make sure that its in the form "I know that you don't mean it this way but when you do...(insert what bugging you) I feel...(say how you feel)."

    Anyway I hope that this helps the last thing I can say is that communication is the most important factor in any relationship, be it with your mom and dad or with your girlfriend. Talking about something important is something that everyone has to buckle down and do sometimes. I really feel for you man, I've been right in your shoes before. And hopefully what worked for me will work for you.

    • You are wise beyond your years bro. Thanks. But I don't see this girl thinking of an ideal time to communicate with her isn't easy. I'd rather not do it over a text/fb message either.

    • Yeah text/fb would not be the way to do it. It would depend on your relationship, but you could call her, or maybe you when she comes you find a good time to talk to her about it. cause either way it sounds like these are the facts: 1) she coming 2)she has a boyfriend and its making you feel awkward 3) she has no prob hanging out with him and you at the same time (this is made worse with fact #2) 4) your going to have to talk about something or these facts are never going to change. and that would = :(

    • I think I'm going to conclude that the best scenario is for to meet her in non party situations. I can handle this alright as long none of us are under the influence. I would love to have her help with the holiday charity this year (and I don't even mind her boyfriend coming along to help). If I had another girl with me this wouldn't be an issue anyway. But that still leaves me in a situation where I have to explain why I won't party with her anymore.

  • Yes, you are spurning a true friend, a true friend is hard to come by. Get over your feelings of insecurity and loneliness and meet her as a good friend would. You said she boosted your day and supported you, now it's time to do the same for her. Sometimes you have to put your own feelings to the side and think of the other person feelings.

    • I could meet her as a true friend if it was just her and I. But this is the first time she wants to bring one of her bf's along. If he's a decent guy, than I'm honestly happy for both of them. But it is making feel extremely awkward...and more of a "third wheel". If I had a girlfriend right now this would be a different story though.

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    • no I didn't down vote you. Someone else did that. I was looking at your response rationally. Yes I need to get over my insecurity, which is easier said than done. If I was banging some other chic right now this would be a non issue. The good news is I'm going to meet this girl (and possibly her boy toy) in a casual, sober place. We are talking about grabbing a snack at panera bread. Booze would complicate things. I would like to have her help with the Christmas charity.

    • also I didn't consider about her possibly wanting my judgement of this guy. Got a point there.