Girls, what do you want us to do when you're afraid of getting into into relationship or closer?

For my own situation, a girl was sending me mixed signals. After talking with someone about it, they said maybe she was afraid of getting into the relationship, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of opening up, or afraid of becoming closer.

If you were in a spot like this, how do you want the guy to proceed with you? It's incredibly frustrating because I feel like there's so much room for error. I just want to do what's right.

So what do you want us to do?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I would just like to say, on behalf of all girls who display this frustrating behavior, I am so sorry. Basically, girls like she and I allow ourselves to be vulnerable and some selfish, inconsiderate jerk doesn't appreciate it then we end up getting sincerely, deeply hurt. It becomes natural for us to want to protect ourselves and we begin to display this, I'm sure annoying and frustrating behavior. Even if the guy is a good guy who is kind and sweet, it's like we still have to keep our guards up because the last guy was like that and he left us feeling so painfully disappointed. It feels like sh*t giving someone have your heart then having them stomp all over it and hand it right back :(

    I would suggest that you have a very real, open, honest discussion with her about what you are to her. Ask her what she views you as. Open up a discussion about past relationships and getting hurt. Just be very open, honest, and real. It may make her feel more comfortable telling you about why she acts the way she does and maybe she'll start letting her guard down. If she's really worth it, then be patient and try to help her get over it. Just having that talk is like a peephole into the depths of her and hopefully it will make you more understanding :)

    • Thanks, I do understand what you mean. I'd think it's unfair to expect someone to open up the way we want, especially considering what you said that other guys might have hurt you. That upset me so much, that even for one tiny bit the last guy hurt this girl that I care for now and made her put up a wall against me. What she told me was she didn't want me to get too attached like she did with her only other boyfriend that ended up hurting her. But it's still not like I can say "that's not fair"! bc

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    • it depends on how strong your connection is and what type of chemistry you have. for some people, talking about those things comes naturally :)

    • Ahh I thought I had gotten over this by now... and it doesn't help that I'm an overthinker like most girls haha..

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 1

  • Directly ask what it is that she is afraid of. It will allow her to open up, and you can learn what exactly is on her mind. That is the only way you will not make any error.

    • Wouldn't it be weird to ask though, after all it was just a thought that maybe she was afraid.

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    • hmm that's actually pretty difficult to do.. you can't tell if she's shying away because she's afraid or uninterested. but I think if she was afraid but interested, she would still try to talk to you instead of totally ignoring you.

      And thanks!

    • and that's it, what reinforces that I'm the doing the right thing by moving. I stopped texting her first to see what happened, 3 months of no contact.. thanks for you answer.

What Guys Said 1

  • Im in this spot myslef (see my posted questions and maybe some people can offer some help). We've talked about moving things to a real relationship, because the one we've got is just so odd. It's boyfriend/girlfriend without the physical side. She has been through a rough period before. I know more than she has told me, and I know things I've seen first hand. She's been physically and emotionally abused by past men. I am in many ways so much different from those people. I take care of her, I care about her future more than me just getting a piece. I look out for her, I am very protective over her. But I don't tie strings to it. We've slept together many times in the past, before this deep connection developed, and when her world was turned upside down, I made the decision to be a real friend. It's been as much of a test for me as it's been for her. I never knew I had this type of resolve or patience before. And yet, it's so hard feeling like I'm doing all the giving, but it's so infrequently given back, at least in the way I would want. That I've openly aditted my love for her, my desire for us to be together, my respect for her, and not have it automatically welcomed. I've never had to work so hard before. I wish I had a road map to know how to behave. Not to manipulate things, but to really foster something deeper. She's got major trust issues, and its so hard to deal with. It's like, do I take whatever time I can get with her, even if its just a few moments a week, and then do my own thing. Or try to move things along with formal date suggestions, etcs. I get such mixed signals because when we are together, or talking on the phone, it's amazing. We can talk and disagree, and have intelligent conversation and its never stale. And it sucks me right in, and I end up going home alone, wishing things would one time end up differently. And all the while pushing everyone else away who pursues me, because I'm afraid if discovered, she would think I bailed on her (like everyone else has), and that I was being insincere all along. Almost wish someone close to her would really know and see what I do for her, things no normal 'friend' are usually asked to do, and smack her upside the head and tell her it's OK to take a chance.