I am 31, female. I met a guy on match in the late fall (October). We live in different cities so between Oct and now have gone on 4-5 dates, always in a restaurant. We have not kissed or had any physical contact. We have talked on the phone a fair amount, though not every day, and not since mid-dec at this point. He is a very nice guy but, 3 months and a few dates later, I feel tepid at best. I don't want to see him anymore but feel way too cowardly to do over the phone. Any support for writing a kind email to tell him it just won't work out? I'm really nervous about this!
Most Helpful Girl
Definitely do it.
When he won't be reading it on a work day !
I would encourage you to keep trying to step things up in your relationship.'Tepid' is better than 'nothing in common' 'used' or 'abused'. As we get to know people we slowly are exposed to all the wonderful aspects of their whole self.
The main reason school friends and family members know us so well is because they are stuck with us over an extended period of time. Even co workers who tend to date/befriend each other- connecting on a real level takes time.
If you write him, I suggest something along the lines of:
" Hey, it's been so great getting to know you and I really loved ( list specific experience/conversation) and you are ( list specific personality trait you appreciate about him). But, I'm feeling like we are spinning our wheels at this point. Do you think we should continue to pursue this relationship? "
If he replies 'yes' ask him why.
If he replies to that, tell him one or two things that, again, are great about him but then something meaningful that you need out of the relationship that you are not getting .
He may surprise you and reveal that he thought you did not want that and he had been holding it back or maybe he was taking things slow and you have given him the go-ahead to step things up to the next level.
When you really feel you can't get anywhere, just say you don't think you can give him what he wants out of the relationship but that you'd love to keep in touch. Phone him to say
"i'm just calling quickly to say I'm sorry it didn't work out,you're a great guy." Then get off the phone,don't drag it out
I have dated online and had people just stop contacting me which is just mean.
Also,no matter how thick skinned or hardened to that sort of behavior I might be becoming, it leaves me wondering if it's a 'test' or if I've done something specifically to offend them.
I hate the thought that I may have inadvertently ended relationships with people who cared so much that they had gotten mad and were waiting for me to contact them to talk it over or who had had a tragedy which kept them from contacting me and then had lost my info' or had felt like they couldn't contact me because too much time had passed.
I have seen a big change over the past three decades: People are getting worse and worse at treating each other humanely, accepting that we are not all the stars of our own reality shows where everyone else are merely 'bit players'.
Being the person breaking up does not make you the bad guy, treating someone like a throw-away item does.
If he replies to your email and continues to ask you questions, continue to reply. He deserves that as a human being and we all deserve one more person educated in the art of dating, instead of one more embittered prejudiced person added to the ranks in The battle of The Sexes.
You'll not just be doing the right thing by him but also for yourself and for all the rest of us women/men he'll be dating in the future (;0