Bear with me on the details, please!

I always seem to find these guys who I consider really great friends, then they end up liking me really intensely, and I don't necessarily feel the same way, but I end up going for it because I like them so well as friends.

So basically that's the situation I'm faced with again. I'm great friends with this guy, but he has a girlfriend, and I am(/was?) interested in his house mate. We're on break right now, but I talked to him a few days ago and he asked me if it would be okay for him to ask me out when we got back to school. I ended up telling him about my crush on his roommate and the fact that we had hung out a couple of times before break (we made out, cuddled, I slept over).

We dropped it, then I skyped him again today and he asked me again. I said I didn't want to get involved with someone who has a girlfriend. He asked if I'd say yes if he broke up with his girlfriend, and I said I didn't think it was a good idea. He then asked me how things were with his house mate, and I told him--I'm not sure if he likes me, and we hadn't really talked much over break. He then told me that his roommate had talked about liking a girl from Canada but he didn't have enough money to visit her, and he (friend) didn't think he (roommate) was interested in a relationship right now--just hooking up.

I was kind of upset to hear that. My other friend told me not to sweat it--he might be taking things out of perspective because he likes me--but still, I know him well, and I don't think he was making things up.

I don't know what advice I'm really looking for... I feel stupid for liking the roommate. The more I think about it, I think I was over-estimating my odds with him. And now that I'm in this rejected situation, I'm tempted to go for the friend. As much as I hate to admit it, I really kind of just want a relationship right now.

Umm... thoughts? advice? comments? questions?


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What Guys Said 1

  • You should never feel stupid for liking someone. Attraction isn't really a choice.

    As far as your "friends pursuing you" issue, one must inevitably bring up the idea of the dreaded "friendzone." The "Friendzone (TM)" is the place a guy ends up when he thinks he's entitled to a woman's affection but the woman in question knows better. The idea of being just friends or "friendzoned" is a troubling thing for many guys because of the aforementioned sense of entitlement. They believe that if they provide the right amount of the right things, then it is certainly right and just that the object of their desire fall in love with them. This quickly turns into a love/hate relationship, as the man begins to despise the woman in question for not flipping her attraction switch (wherever the hell that is) for him. The idea is so ingrained in modern culture that a woman can often feel guilty about the idea of friendzoning, and begin to feel that they are taking advantage of their guy friends. Some of these girls will date these men out of a sense of pity, and usually end up fairly unhappy. Some of those women really are taking advantage of those men, maintaining just enough hope to keep them around as a self-esteem boost. Others just don't know how to deal with the situation.

    Luckily, I'm here to help. The best thing in this difficult situation is Absolute Honesty (TM). Be honest about your lack of attraction, and make it clear that friendship is an option. In other words, tell him something along the lines of, "I'm not attracted to you, and I don't want to date you. I do like you as a person, though, and would value your friendship. If you value the possibility of friendship more than the distress of my lack of affection for you, I would be glad to have you as a friend." The key point is to make it clear that you don't owe him attraction, and that the friendship you offer is his to accept or deny based on his own preferences and emotional state.

    I hope at least some of this has been helpful, and good luck with your romantic (and not-so-romantic) endeavors.


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